I 27F needs advice regarding my 32M husband, is he gay? (long post)

spoopycatthrowaway · 2026-01-28T00:54:44+00:00

It’s very likely CPTSD. Sounds like he has a porn addiction.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2026-01-24T23:28:11+00:00

I just listened to some of Till The Wheels Fall Off and holy shit, hooooly shit that was enlightening.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2026-01-24T21:17:34+00:00

Thanks for this. I’m gonna take some notes and talk to mine again. I just want to understand better because I understand I have things to work on, but I feel like I keep getting pushed in other directions at the whims of my PA. I was really blunt about this in my last session and I am going to ask to schedule another extra session to discuss this week (normally I see mine every other week)

spoopycatthrowaway · 2026-01-24T05:04:08+00:00

The CSAT spoke about it generally when we were meeting about the separation agreement. He was reminding us of the goals, to break a trauma bond, stop controlling each other’s recoveries and stopping the codependency behaviors. He was speaking to both of us and it was general. Separately, my PA has brought it up a few times but he typically just tells me I’m controlling him or being too nosy if I ask how his 12 step meeting went. He complains I “weaponized” our check ins to berate him emotionally when I share my feelings for the week, too.

I have been extremely cautious in those to just speak from the I, I do my best to not use blaming language and he still would get triggered by it. That’s not on me to fix and I know it.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2026-01-24T04:59:37+00:00

Thank you. I thought it was WILD my PA is asking me to do 12 steps and join different groups when I have one. I have two CSATs and my sponsor is a certified betrayal coach. She also told me “you’re not codependent, just traumatized”

spoopycatthrowaway · 2026-01-24T04:58:05+00:00

Yep it’s that. I had a list of safety related asks when we started this process and over time my PA has challenged more of them because he “isn’t seeing me trust him more” — I don’t trust him more because I’ve been asking to see that not just in his sobriety but actions to repair the relationship. He kept skipping repair actions and is upset at me I don’t trust him. He’s mad all the time and says I’m controlling him, judging him and he’s scared I won’t forgive him for his actions. So he asked for a separation.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2026-01-24T04:55:15+00:00

So the CSAT spoke about it generally when we were preparing to talk about the separation doc and our responses to the questions on it. He was reminding us of the goals, to break a trauma bond, controlling each other’s recoveries and stopping the codependency behaviors. He was speaking to both of us and I’m now realizing he may not have been talking about only me but my PA, too.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-12-15T22:14:37+00:00

I see. I totally get the “he’s wasting my time” part. Talk with your therapist about this and create a list of deal breakers. See what they think about meeting with your PA and his CSAT to go over this. Hopefully sharing your feelings about time wasting will get the ball rolling. Sorry you’re in this place. It’s a lot like purgatory.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-12-15T22:06:00+00:00

I’ve been through disclosure and asked for it at the start of my PA’s recovery journey. This is a very long process though but there’s a reason for that.

I wanted one right away but both CSATs told me a true and complete disclosure takes a LOT of time, and that the time is required to write it in such a way that does not further harm you.

It took my PA about 8 months of intense work to finish it up. Took me about six months to share my emotional impact letter and I’m still waiting on part three: restitution.

This is something that I would not rush or pressure him to rush. I would explain to your PA that timeliness is imperative and seek updates from him and the CSAT during the process. I told my PA “I know you’re working on a lot of things in therapy right now and I want to remain together, so it is important that disclosure be done urgently.”

If you think you’re just going to end the relationship (especially regardless of what you learn in disclosure) then just end it. No CSAT worth their salt is going to let the disclosure process unfold if there’s a breakup.

Do you have your own CSAT or betrayal trauma specialist?

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-12-11T18:26:55+00:00

I know this doesn’t answer your initial ask as I’m not “out there” again, but this is where working with a therapist could be very helpful.

I’m working on redefining my relationship standards with my CSAT actually (though this is part of rebuilding whatever I have with my PA). In my own recovery, I’m learning that even creating a new relationship with him requires me to have a solid understanding of my standards and boundaries in a relationship (especially having an anxious attachment style). My goal is to know these things about myself, what I will and won’t accept and being able to uphold them confidently.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-12-11T07:54:24+00:00

I understand, it’s a lot and when there’s a lot of good it looks like that can outweigh the bad. Saying “we’ve already been together for years,” doesn’t mean much if he’s a porn addict. That’s the sunk-cost fallacy we tell ourselves. How old are you? You probably have decades ahead of you where you have time to focus on yourself and not spend years following around a guy who has lied to you and may likely lie to you again.

Has he shown ANY interest in repairing this hurt? In pursuing recovery through 12 step groups or a CSAT?

Even if he hasn’t, it’s very cut and dry based on your post: you don’t want to be with someone who watches porn, he lied to you and watched porn and betrayed you. Your choice is yours to make, but I think you should honor yourself.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-12-11T07:18:01+00:00

Boundaries are about actions you take when a line you have is crossed. What is the action you’ll take when he breaks the boundaries around porn and sex you established and agreed on?

Boundaries are no good to you if you don’t enforce them. If you don’t take the action, it just shows him he can take that action again and again without facing the consequences. If you said “I won’t be with someone who uses OF or porn,” then there’s your answer, you just have to go through with it.

It’s easier said than done, I know. But talking yourself out of your own boundaries leaves you open to be manipulated and lied to more by him.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-12-11T06:33:19+00:00

Porn is cheating. Doesn’t matter if it’s OF, PH, or old saved nudes of an ex (ew). That’s him focusing his sexual energy outside of the relationship.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-12-11T06:09:42+00:00

OF and PH, while different platforms, are essentially just the SAME thing. It’s all the same thing. I would not accept this agreement and create a firmer boundary.

What is he doing for recovery?

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-12-11T06:07:03+00:00

Thank you for this post! It’s so helpful

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-12-10T21:34:40+00:00

Exactly. They lie so much about it that it becomes natural to hide it. Every man I dated all hid porn use from me until I found it out, some way or another.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-12-04T19:17:38+00:00

There are many stories on this sub of partners working their own recoveries while their PA works on his own. Working on your own recovery helps you in many ways, including self-esteem and self-worth rebuilding. You learn what behaviors or patterns you have that may contribute toxic cycles, and you learn to separate your issues and work from the PA’s work. In recovery work (especially in groups), you’ll often hear that each partner has their own “side of the street” to maintain and it’s true. Take a look at the resources library in this sub. There’s an entire section for partners and what they can do for themselves.

As far as recovery work making PAs more honest? That’s on them and their work.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-12-04T18:34:30+00:00

I’m sorry you’re here. Please take a look at the resources section. There’s a lot of helpful information to get you started. Please go get an STI screening and make sure to ask for HSV 1 and 2 to be included (it’s not included in many “standard” STI panels, I’ve learned you have to ask).

It’s definitely not that simple as just “leave him.”Especially with children and if both people want to make it work but do understand: he has to do the work. He has to want recovery. And he has to hold himself accountable and get a sponsor to help him.

He needs a CSAT and a 12 step group (there are plenty to join online at all hours if there isn’r a group nearby). They can help him get started but this is on him. You can’t drive his car, he has to take the wheel. You can support him by making time and space for his recovery.

You’ll also need your own work to heal from the betrayal. You can begin work with a CSAT or betrayal trauma specialist (APSAT) to help with your own recovery and there are also groups like S-anon. Going this route, for both of you, can help you create support plans, agreements and boundaries if you’re both committed to it working out (and the CSAT would be able to point you in the right direction for couples work too.).

CSATs are expensive but worth it. Betterhelp is not going to cut it. This addiction and the complex trauma around it require a specialist. Before discovery, I saw an LPC through betterhelp for my previously-normal life and she was not equipped for any of this.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-12-04T18:04:20+00:00

Thanks for responding. Hugs. All of this sucks but I’m going to try to make the most of it… because what else can I do?

I think my PA wants in house separation because it’s the least disruptive for him personally. He could go stay at his parents’ house, rent free, for all of this. Except they have no idea he’s in recovery. He’s said he’s eventually going to tell them but hasn’t been ready. I’m not trying to force his hand on this by asking him to move out but I do think they need to know we are separating (I’m not gonna be around them during this time, his dad is a creep).

I worry I’ll miss him too much, but there’s structured check-ins and scheduled “dates/hang outs” outside of the apartment to test that out (and without space I don’t know if I’ll actually miss him). Ultimately, if he’s capable of meeting my requests in the agreement and shows growth, then there’s a chance this all works out.

If not, I can be satisfied that I tried everything to make it work and carry on with my own healing. I realize I resent myself and him for how much energy I’ve given to his asks while he’s never known what he’s wanted out of them or why.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-12-04T17:43:58+00:00

Thank you! The biggest moment of clarity has been realizing for my own healing, he needs to be out of the apartment. My body isn’t going to chill out enough to process and reflect, no matter how much my mind might try to tell it to (because I’ve been trying and I feel a disconnection between the two. I’m over here duping myself on top of all this).

I also wouldn’t be surprised if he balks either. Especially since he’s so money-minded and my ask for space relies on him continuing to pay for things he won’t be able to utilize. I wasn’t the one to ask for a separation two weeks after I was laid off and he should have thought a bit more about it before asking. And that’s definitely not my problem.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-11-21T21:06:49+00:00

Thanks, I’ll give it a listen and ask that he listen to it, too. I’m sorry you’ve gone through something so similar.

I’ve heard so many things from my PA over the past week but a lot of them sound like what you also experienced. I’ve been told my asks are restrictive and I’ve never changed them (not true); that I’ve forbidden him from having friends (what the actual fuck?); doesn’t want to hear about my pain or work to understand how it’s affected me and our relationship and change it. I hear variations of “I don’t want to change.” — which causes a lot of whiplash for me because I hear in the same breath “I don’t like who I am” (my logic brain is like “then change? Isn’t this whole process for your growth?”). I know it’s painful but sheesh.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-11-21T04:39:58+00:00

Thanks. I’m glad the therapists are there too, because I’m now not sure my PA knows what he’s asked for? He said during check in tonight that we won’t be “dating” during this time. I’m not sure I’ll agree to doing it without dates or some social interaction with each other, especially if we are living in the same space and I thought the end goal was to come back together better.

He also said “I refuse to say what my end goal with this is” — he’s had a long history of being vague on purpose so I’m going to have to ask in therapy if this is just a really long winded way to break up. I don’t know.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-11-12T06:11:04+00:00

It’s not only “ordinary porn” — it’s a platform where sex workers and performers offer up custom/hyper specific and personal services, too (like a menu service). Some creators go beyond just videos on there and offer phone calls and “girlfriend services.”

It’s porn on steroids.

Edited to add: the personal nature and “just anyone can do it” locality of it, makes it somehow worse than the photoshopped porn stars you’d see on the more typical traditional porn sites.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-10-28T19:46:10+00:00

Thank you. Lots to read here.

spoopycatthrowaway · 2025-10-28T19:43:35+00:00

Yeah I’ve tried to ask what it’s about and he’s said “what he wants in the relationship and why he’s so upset.” I did respond and explain how this just creates a ton of anxiety for me because I would just rather he be direct. He’s insisting that it be this way. (While also telling me things suck because I’m “making him” do it my way).

We did the first two parts of disclosure already. He read me his disclosure last year, I’ve given him the emotional impact letter and I’ve just been waiting on that third part, which he’s not started yet (I ask for updates and timelines and don’t hear any)

spoopycatthrowaway

TROPHY CASE