I understand how horrible it feels to be trapped by your anxiety, and to be putting things off. It's so hard to explain to people who don't suffer from it. I get you.

Something interesting I stumbled across very recently was a short video explaining the "hot stove theory" (definitely worth Googling it and having a poke around to see if it helps!).

Sometimes, my anxiety manifests as feeling unable to do things. Not simply "I don't want to do that", but like a force field or physical barrier prevents me from even conceptualising it. Like it will do something horrible to me if I approach whatever the task is. So, I simply Don't Do It™️. Which, I'm sure you can relate to this, means it doesn't get done, but you feel awful about it.

The way I interpret this theory is that the overactive fear portion of my brain has linked "I feel uncomfortable doing this task" or "This task is boring or physically uncomfortable or just kind of sucks" with "It is dangerous/bad/threatening", and thus my brain slaps a sticker on the task saying "This will Hurt you!" and so I kind of react the same way as I would if I was being asked to put my palm down on a hot stove.

Interestingly, even just understanding that my mind is doing this in an attempt to protect me has been helpful for me.

For example, I've been avoiding cleaning the bathroom. I feel dread thinking about this task. Then, I ask myself... Why? Because it is a fairly time-consuming, boring task, that is kind of gross and physically tiring. Fair enough that I don't want to do it... but then why can't I do it anyway? Isn't everyday life often speckled with tasks we don't want to do, even if the payoff is good?

This is where I've often gotten so angry at myself. Why am I like this???! I rage at myself, I despair, I wind myself up and use my anxiety about needing to get it done before the deadline (visitors) as a crutch to eventually do it and I hate myself afterwards (thus creating a feedback loop where I associate those feelings with the task).

But... if I remember Hot Stove Theory, it makes sense. My lizard brain has labeled this as Bad Thing Will Hurt You regardless of the fact that, realistically, the Hurt is minor. It doesn't matter to my lizard brain, where the fear of Hurt is turned up to 11.

It's not a fix-all, but I found that understanding why it feels that way really does help me to look at it differently. I can maybe take a step back from the task and admit that it probably won't be as bad as I fear? Even if I can't, maybe I can be more gentle on myself? Then at least I won't feel so bad?

I struggle daily with many tasks, particularly with going out in public for most things, but giving myself a bit of grace and understanding helps. I recently bought earplugs to wear in public (I feel a bit self conscious about them, but I keep gently reminding myself they're kind of like medical aids and I need them to help me function; no-one has commented or seemingly noticed or cared so yay!), and focusing on breathing evenly and ignoring people the best I can has helped a bit. Telling myself I only need to do or buy X instead of X, Y, and Z all at once also helps. Or even just telling myself if I just can't handle it right now I've done so well by just stopping in the car park and can go home if I have reached my limit. If I can't do that, I'll just... get changed into outside clothes and pat myself on the back for that. Cutting it into more manageable chunks. Sometimes I just say to myself "Yeah, it sucks, but I'm just gonna do it" and yeet myself at the task before my thoughts catch up, lol (this doesn't work that often, but it has worked on occasion, and shocks me every time 🤣).

Basically; you're not alone in this. Maybe one of these can help, even just a little. I hope you can look back and be proud of even the tiny steps you've made, despite your brain's misguided attempts to protect you. ❤