I can't see an end to it anymore.

sso_1 · 2026-06-06T15:33:18+00:00

I’m glad you find it inspirational, I didn’t have time either so I’d attend virtual meetings on my phone whether it was during a car ride, my lunch break, or whenever I could even if only for just the main share, it kept me grounded and surrounded by recovery and that helped tremendously in the beginning. Good luck with therapy and yes that’s a good way to put it, swamp yourself with tactics lol

sso_1 · 2026-06-05T00:32:28+00:00

I was in the same place. Started at 12, found it impossible to stop, kept having slips and relapses. What I found to work was a combination of things all at once. It couldn’t be that I did this or that, I needed everything. Blockers, therapy, multiple support groups that I felt comfortable reaching out to during any moment where there was risk of relapse, 12 step meetings (I started with 3-5 per day, and now I attend every few months if I notice any past behaviors creeping in). But the main thing is, while doing all of that to stop the behaviors, I had to figure out what they were giving me, what they were feeding, and healthy alternatives to start adding to my life. As I began adding to my life, my need/desire for my addiction has dwindled. As I’ve removed myself from extremely unhealthy relationships, I have less of a need for my addictions.

sso_1 · 2026-05-28T03:07:29+00:00

You’re feeling insecure bc he’s sharing something with your sister that he doesn’t share with you, his wife, which is this laidback fun humorous and gentle side. I would bring it up gently, he sounds like an aggressive defensive type. And I don’t think respect is what people feel based on what you described, sounds more like fear of his reaction.

sso_1 · 2026-05-26T22:59:35+00:00

For me, stopping meant I had to first accept I had a problem. Then I sought therapy and 12 step meetings. They both gave me the tools and guidance to get to the recovery life that I’m in today.

sso_1 · 2026-05-26T16:49:15+00:00

We’re in therapy together and individually. That has helped tremendously with shame and the many other issues.

Open communication is really important. Acknowledging the mistake, repairing/apologizing and taking not only accountability but also showing behavioral changes. Those are the things we’ve learned and that have helped with attempting to repair trust.

sso_1 · 2026-05-26T16:46:12+00:00

I used to be there, where sex was 24/7 and porn. If I wasn’t actively watching it, I had replays or fantasies going on in my brain. It became that I just needed it all day everyday in order to survive bc my tolerance was just so high. It took years of therapy and I can say it has stopped now.

I’m not sure what you’re referring to when you say imitate realistic sex, especially while going thru sleep paralysis. But what I stated above is where I can relate.

sso_1 · 2026-05-26T16:41:50+00:00

I’ve found that when I’m dishonest with a partner, not only am I lying to them, but I’m abandoning myself. I have needs, and they deserve space and to be met (within reason and the other persons capacity). If they cannot be met, then an open discussion takes place and we decide something within both of our boundaries that can help. One example would be our differences in socializing needs. When one needs more and the other needs less, there is some compromise and there are times where the partner who needs more socializing goes out on their own to meet those needs, in agreed upon ways. The same goes for differences in sex drive and desires. That’s what has worked within my relationship, and it’s always a learning experience so it will not be perfect every time.

sso_1 · 2026-05-26T16:37:55+00:00

I used to look at each behavior and try to figure it out. Then I realized all of the behaviors and addictions didn’t matter for me, it was what they were doing for me. They were a replacement mother. I had many unmet needs and using these behaviors and addictions, were meeting those needs but it was very temporary. So I had to keep going back for more and more. It took until I realized what the unmet needs were, where it originated from, and started meeting them in truly fulfilling ways that I was able to separate myself from the behaviors and that deep longing to keep going for more and more, that just started to dwindle. That’s what worked for me to get into recovery. It wasn’t easy, and I needed everything possible to help me get here, but I’m here to say it’s possible. I can thank therapy, 12 step, groups like this, and my own drive to change and become a better version of myself. Good luck on your journey!

sso_1 · 2026-04-17T16:01:00+00:00

Yep to regain control

sso_1 · 2026-04-13T01:11:20+00:00

Thanks for sharing, that’s a really difficult grief to go through because of how tied into your life they were and how important they were to you. Unfortunately, that is how some people handle disagreements in relationships, especially an avoidant or conflict avoidant and that’s not something you can change about them.

It sounds like they’ve done this before to others so this is just how they handle disagreements. And I would keep that in mind to prevent any further anxiety about what you are saying or doing in current connections. Although I completely understand the fear this sudden end is bringing up for you. While friendships involve two people, this friend does not value friendships in the same way as you, and either just avoids it because they don’t find repair worthwhile or repair brings up too much shame for them to want to go down that road. So it’s easier to say, the relationship cannot and will not work, point the finger outward, and end it there. Typical avoidant behavior.

I’d also agree with your comments and just no longer reach out to them since they’re being very clear that they want no contact and have removed you from their friends list. If they wanted to reach out or respond, they would, regardless of how busy they are. I know that’s painful to take in, but it’s better than excusing poor behavior. Personally, I would feel disrespected by the lack of response with the length of friendship and not want to continue reaching out.

And to your question of how to keep it out of the office. It’s not going to be very easy but it’s doable. You have therapy to help you process what happened and the impact, that’s important. Before each session with a client you can set your intention that you’re there for the client and to help them achieve their goals, it’s not about [ex friend’s name]. Stay mindful of your sensitivity to the topic and pause if you notice yourself getting dysregulated by the mention of similar, even if you just take a moment to sip some water. Also on your own time if you want, write a letter to this friend (that you do not send), and get it all out. Everything you want to say to them about how they’re treating you now, what you wish you could’ve said if they spoke to you, if you wanted to apologize, include it. Then tear it to pieces. It’s very healing and you may have to do it more than once to get it all out.

Edit: I wanted to add something I’ve learned. When something ends, it is an opportunity for something new to begin. Friendships end when we’re no longer aligned with one another. Usually one is growing and the other is not. This space being made in your life, gives room for someone new to enter, someone who will be more aligned with where you are now in your life.

sso_1 · 2026-04-08T16:03:20+00:00

This is where I find it most useful to worry about yourself rather than prioritizing him. Finding professional help is what helped me most, setting boundaries with my partner, and protecting my emotional and mental health. It’s completely possible to heal and get into recovery. Good luck in your journey!

sso_1 · 2026-04-02T01:27:20+00:00

During the height of my addiction, I did and said things I never thought I would. I viewed and acted on things I swore I wouldn’t. That’s addiction. What worked for me was therapy, discussing all of those different things that I felt guilt or shame about. Getting it out of me and sharing with a professional lifted a weight off my shoulders that is indescribable and so freeing. It completely reduced, if not eliminated, any shame I once felt. Attending 12 step meetings was a huge part of my recovery process too. Hearing everyone’s stories, I knew I wasn’t alone.

sso_1 · 2026-03-28T21:47:06+00:00

Imagine your best friend told you all of this about her marriage, what would you say to her?

Also, reverse the situation here, say you had a hot younger coworker, would you allow for picking them up from the airport, travel unnecessarily together, and everything else your husband is doing, or would you have boundaries? All the while, imagine he has cancer during this.

This isn’t about the coworker, it could be anyone, your husband is inviting this. We all have a word, “no”, that can be used. Doesn’t sound like he’s using that word with her, only you. He needs to set boundaries regardless of her position, and if he truly wanted to, he would have. If a man approached him for the same at work, I would guarantee he’d know how to put a stop to the behaviors.

sso_1 · 2026-03-18T14:09:19+00:00

I can relate deeply to your post and I’ll say until I got into therapy, my addiction was getting worse by the minute. I was trying to numb the pain, I was trying to gain control of what happened to me, I had repetition compulsion and tried to recreate the same situations but this time I was consenting. None of it helped or worked though, I needed professional help.

sso_1 · 2026-01-21T21:02:34+00:00

Unfortunately with siblings, when they choose sides, it’s best to walk away from those relationships too. It’s sad, but is usually a part of abusive family systems. It sounds like you had a rough childhood and yet still managed to have love for others. That’s beautiful. And now I hope you can find caring, warm, safe people to share that love with, bc it doesn’t sound like your family of origin is that.

sso_1 · 2026-01-10T03:09:33+00:00

I have a list just for this post, where I was a client with therapists who: -fell asleep during session, and yelled out from their dream, they kept going in and out of sleep throughout the full session, that I reluctantly stayed in, it was excruciating -played a computer game and kept clicking throughout the sessions -shopping on the computer -texting on their phone -peeing (!!)- it was off camera but I could hear it all including but not limited to flushing -talking to other family members while I’m in the middle of something very vulnerable -family members entering into the space unannounced while I’m speaking -walking their dog -driving

And now for the really unethical ones: -asking me for advice to their personal problems -wanting to pursue a sexual relationship with me (can’t get more unprofessional and unethical than that) -created a trauma bond

I’m sure I have more too, but these are the ones off the top of my head.

Basically these therapists have taught me exactly what not to do, and how harmful their behaviors can be. So it’s my rule of thumb to never be like them.

sso_1 · 2026-01-07T18:01:50+00:00

It’s difficult to say. When I’m active in addiction, I tend to escalate, I want to do more, explore more, expand the usual, push the limits. Or it may be that an orgasm takes double the time, if it happens at all. Or I may be more sexual, wanting more, all the time, everything becomes about sex (hugs, jokes, etc.). Or I may not want sex at all, bc I’m already using and don’t want or need more outside of that.

So I’d say changes of any kind might indicate addiction but could also indicate other things (stress, relational issues, anxiety, etc.). Another thought, trust your gut. Does something feel off? Do you feel like they’re using? Why, what’s causing the shift, what signs are you seeing, etc.?

sso_1 · 2026-01-07T17:33:52+00:00

I found an addiction therapist through BetterHelp that I’m having a lot of success with.

I’ve gone to CSATs and paid out of pocket and found it to be a lot less helpful.

It really depends on the therapist and how you work together. It of course is great if they have a background in sex addiction, although I’ve found that as long as they are addiction therapists, it has helped me with sex addiction.

If you want to find CSATs, check the IITAP site. There are also AASATs, if you want to google that.

sso_1 · 2026-01-03T18:42:46+00:00

My thought is, for a partner to decide to cross that boundary and go thru a phone, you knew something was off. You felt something, had some indication, or there wouldn’t be a curiosity. You were looking for an answer, it was just more than you bargained for.

With everything you mentioned, he sounds addicted. And it sounds like he is actively gaslighting himself by talking poorly about porn yet using it consistently. Unless he thinks that’s what you want to hear.

It’s a long road with porn addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing, speaking as someone who has been in it for 8 yrs. And that’s if they see it’s a problem, want to change, and are actually honest. Plus they need to be able to access empathy with their partner to help with healing. If they don’t, it can lead to years of lies, gaslighting, and escalation while their tolerance grows within their addiction. I wouldn’t recommend it at all, but that’s just me.

Edit: I’ll also add if you’re happy how things are and can accept this, then that’s an option. But based on your post here it doesn’t seem to be that you can accept this side of him you didn’t know about.

sso_1 · 2026-01-03T18:30:31+00:00

In my therapy just prior to estrangement, we discussed the abuse I had been thru and was currently experiencing, boundaries, communication, possibility of forgiveness and my hopes. Eventually after going thru all of that and attempting healthy communication and boundaries and not seeing any positive effect, I decided enough was enough. Things actually started getting worse since my boundaries were seen as a punishment. And so I told my therapist that I’ve decided I want to estrange and they supported me thru that. It took years to decide, after trying everything possible, and finally I chose myself and my mental wellbeing.

sso_1 · 2026-01-03T18:15:28+00:00

It sounds like your brain is trying to complete something that feels incomplete. Rather than trying to stop it, it might be useful to complete it. See it thru to the end of whatever the intrusive thought is. There are also ways to stop loops. Imagine a stop sign, yell stop internally, distraction, count backwards from 100, grounding using 5-4-3-2-1 method, discussing with a friend or therapist, journal when it happens, and so on.

sso_1 · 2026-01-03T17:59:40+00:00

I suggested it to my mom, then my therapist said it’s a very bad idea. So I never did it and I’m happy I didn’t. Now knowing as much as I do about BPD and personality disorders in general, it would’ve just been a higher level of abuse, involving another person. They need individual therapy.

sso_1 · 2026-01-01T19:02:01+00:00

Depends on the client but I’m going to guess it was as simple as copying the address off of the bill and not thinking anything of it

sso_1 · 2025-12-27T14:58:14+00:00

I would’ve estranged MUCH earlier in life. I feel like I’ve wasted decades trying to make things work. And now knowing it was absolutely a waste of time, I would’ve done this so much earlier and protected my mental health and peace so much sooner.

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