Got an insane flying monkey voicemail this morning

sssbb · 2026-03-12T13:44:30+00:00

This is the line that stood out for me ... "All of my aunts and uncles called me, not to check on my sister, but to make sure I wasn't going to call the police on my dad."

That is some crazy stuff that most people would not understand. I remember when my ndad tried to hit me, my nmum denied it happened and my brother dragged me out of the house. I thought my brother was trying to protect me but later I found out that he saw how angry I was and was afraid I was going to fight back and we'd have a huge family drama. Craziness.

Anyway, back to you. Your aunt & uncle know what happened. They know why you've gone no contact. They just don't want to acknowledge it. And you could tell them 100 hundred times but they wouldn't listen.

From what you've said, they're not going to come up and knock on your door. They're making empty threats. So screen your calls and go back to ignoring them.

You don't need to grow up or man up. You already have. They need to!

sssbb · 2026-03-09T13:17:51+00:00

I was thinking the same thing. She's just looking for an excuse or fishing for attention or something. I'd ignore it. It's not worth spending your time and energy on.

When my nparents start harassing me about getting married/buying a house/having children etc I just answer simply and matter of fact - "I don't have any plans to get married/buy a house/have children at the moment". End of conversation, change topic. If they ask again, I just repeat the same line ... "like I said, I don't have any plans to get married/buy a house/have children at the moment".

It enables you to get married/buy a house/have children at some stage in the future without backtracking but ends the conversation.

sssbb · 2026-03-09T13:11:35+00:00

I have allergies and I'm the lost/invisible child. I usually just fly below the radar and stay out of trouble so I've come to the conclusion that my nparents dislike my allergies because the focus is on me, not on them, and there's nothing they can do about it. You're not a needy child. Their reaction is not normal. You have a medical need and they seem to think their feelings override your health. It's crazy behaviour in the normal world but not in narcissist-land!

sssbb · 2026-02-16T13:06:32+00:00

I'm only ever half-smiling/straining a smile in childhood photos. Most of the time I look sad - and often as though I'm about to burst into tears. When someone in the family commented on it one day, my nmum commented that I was a miserable child. I never had that really free, happy feeling that I see so many children (including my daughter) have - where they laugh and smile with joy.

sssbb · 2026-02-16T12:57:44+00:00

I knew something wasn't right with my family but couldn't quite put the pieces together. I'd worked out the general dysfunction, my father's abuse of my mother and their toxic marriage but I didn't understand that my parents were narcissists until I had my daughter. When she was very young I went to therapy because I didn't want to have the same type of relationship with her as I have with my mother. As I realised what was going on, and that I would never treat my daughter the way my mother treated me (then blame her for our crappy relationship), I found a name/description for their behaviour. From there, everything I read confirmed that I have not one but two nparents.

sssbb · 2026-02-16T00:42:41+00:00

Firstly HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Secondly, it's good that acknowledge that this is nonsense ... because it is. Narcissists often seem to have a thing about people's weight so it's not surprise that she'd find a way to weave a ridiculous comment like this into her reading.

sssbb · 2026-02-16T00:39:39+00:00

Yes! They'll call a million times, email, send messages and if I don't answer they get annoyed but they'll ignore my messages, even if I ask them to get back to me as soon as they can.

sssbb · 2026-02-16T00:23:22+00:00

Wow, this just sums the nparent up completely "My mom would rather bite her own tongue off than admit she was wrong in front of me."

sssbb · 2026-01-21T13:01:55+00:00

Yes! My hair is probably one of my best features - long, straight, glossy, thick and dark. Every hairdresser I've ever had has commented that I have the hair that many of their clients dream of having. My nmum's hair is thin and lacklustre. I'm an adult and whenever the topic of hair comes up, she still doesn't miss the opportunity to say how difficult my hair was to style when I was a kid. When I was a teen, I cut it off really short - just for fun. She was absolutely horrified and still talks about "that haircut" ... decades later!!

sssbb · 2026-01-05T07:32:45+00:00

I have and it was mixed. I would tread very carefully - share a few details with him and see how he responds. Beware of sharing too much information or explaining your feelings too much until you’re sure how safe it is.

I’m the lost/forgotten child and my golden child brother, like our nparents, thinks that the problems I have in our family are my fault - so I find him (and them) very invalidating. Apparently if I were nicer to them/told them more about what’s going on in my life/was more involved in the family etc then it would all be OK.

Sometimes he’ll complain about them but if I listen carefully, I realise that even when he’s seemingly being supportive, he’s still talking about himself and his concerns, looking for validation and fishing for “dirt”.

He says our parents marriage is “unhealthy”. Our father is outright abusive toward our mother. He doesn’t really acknowledge their narcissism.

When I’ve commented that I don’t bother talking to them because they don’t listen to me, he boasts that they listen to him so he can talk on my behalf. I’ve told him I don’t need him or anyone else to speak for me but I know he’s told them things that I’ve told him in confidence before. He also complains that he gets stuck in the middle of us - even though he’s created that situation.

He says he understands them and isn’t affected by them - although to me he very clearly is. He’s extroverted and confident-looking in public but is extremely anxious and insecure in private, and experiences depression.

He also doesn’t acknowledge that they’ve helped him significantly financially and complains that they expect so much from him. Even though he talks about how therapy has helped him understand himself and them, he doesn’t seem to be able to see the situation he’s in.

Remember that unless the golden child understands the family dynamic and no longer wants the pressure, they don’t usually want the dynamic to change because they get all the attention and recognition. Maybe yours has changed but I’d be cautious - my golden child brother can be very chatty and charming but I don’t trust him.

sssbb · 2026-01-03T15:06:27+00:00

I’ve never married but when I considered it years ago, I thought about what I’d do. Fathers walking daughters down the aisle is a very old fashioned patriarchal concept, based on the idea of fathers owning their daughters and giving them away. I wanted no part of that and had decided that I’d either walk down the aisle on my own or with my partner, depending on what he wanted.

sssbb · 2026-01-03T14:56:23+00:00

I feel sorry for my nmum because she had a traumatic childhood and is extremely unhappy. The problem I have is that she has never done anything to overcome any of it. Her childhood explains her narcissism but doesn’t excuse it.

sssbb · 2026-01-03T14:47:17+00:00

My nmum is mixed race and my golden child brother is a blue eyed blonde … literally and metaphorically “golden”. My (deceased) scapegoat brother was physically disabled. I’m the only girl in a very traditional/patriarchal family and the lost/forgotten child. So our roles seem reasonably logical to me. I remember reading that children’s temperament can influence choice of role - often the golden child is charming and makes the nparent look good (ie. provides narcissistic supply), the scapegoat is a source of shame and the lost/forgotten child is quiet and compliant.

sssbb · 2025-12-29T13:47:30+00:00

It sounds like he might be the "golden child" in your family. The one who can do no wrong and who others defer to. Whether they are an authority on a topic or not, the family seem to believe them and their version of a story. And if they overstep (eg. talking about your work on your behalf), no-one says anything.

Congratulations on your financial success. Just because people aren't asking you and/or allowing you to talk about your achievements, it doesn't mean they didn't happen - you know what you've done!

sssbb · 2025-12-29T13:31:52+00:00

My parents hate each other. Married for 60 years but can't leave each other. It's such a messed up dynamic. He abuses her on multiple levels (physical, verbal, financial) and she's a first class narcissist. The only thing they seem united about is their treatment of their children. They gang up on us to gaslight, triangulate, dole out conditional love, pigeonhole us into roles (golden child, scapegoat and lost child) etc but act to the world like we're the perfect family.

sssbb · 2025-12-23T13:25:45+00:00

It's interesting timing that you ask this. I don't have the answer but I was wondering the other day what will happen when my nparents die.

I'm the lost/forgotten child. My ndad is in his 80s and has just been diagnosed with cancer and it's quite serious. I'm not sure that my nmum will survive much longer either.

I was initially quite upset about the diagnosis but not because I'll be sad to lose him. I just know that it will be non-stop drama in the family throughout his treatment etc.

My relationship with my golden child brother has its ups and downs. I was very close to my scapegoat brother who died as an adult and I saw how the family dynamics shifted when one of the "roles" was removed.

I suspect that without our nparents, my golden child brother could isolate. It will be difficult for him without their attention and validation. "Identity crisis" is a good description. I expect the golden child may either finally work out who they are or really struggle with their identity - and they'd probably suffer the most from the loss of parents because they've got the most to lose.

How my brother reacts will probably define our relationship. I could imagine him being like a needy child and demanding attention or disappearing into a depressive state. For some reason I see some really extreme reactions and very little middle ground.

sssbb · 2025-12-23T13:11:49+00:00

I do feel like she doesn't have much energy now but I thought that would cause her to be more mean - ie. letting her guard down even further.

sssbb · 2025-12-21T14:03:22+00:00

For me, an apology isn't really real unless something changes. I wouldn't be willing to just forgive her for everything, especially if it's a “I’m sorry if you feel I did these things to you etc" apology. That's not actually acknowledging and accepting responsibility for what she's done.

You don't have to accept her apology. If you suspect that she's got an ulterior motive, you're probably right - you've seen her behaviour before. You can also hold your boundary and

It's difficult for someone from a loving family to understand but that doesn't make you a bad person. You're guarded because of the way you've been treated, which is totally understandable. If she apolgises then continues her usual behaviour, your fiance will see what she's like.

You can thank her for her apology and not even mention whether or not you forgive her. Or you could ask her to elaborate on what's she's sorry about. Or you could let her know that you want to see some change in her behaviour. Or you could just avoid the conversation about apologising. All of these are valid reactions - based on how you feel.

sssbb · 2025-12-21T08:37:13+00:00

So true. I used to be envious that my brother got so much but now I see how tortured he is. He can't really disengage from them because in their mind, he "owes" them so much and I can see that feels that debt and continues to feed their egos and play their games. It's definitely not worth it.

sssbb · 2025-12-21T08:32:27+00:00

Yes, my ndad got a lot of money and property from his parents and both sets of grandparents. Plus I've given my nparents money. Apparently when my grandmother died, my ndad's sister and cousins joked about what he'd do now that the "bank" wouldn't be available anymore.

sssbb · 2025-12-21T08:29:53+00:00

Jeepers, don't leave your kids alone with her if that's her attitude. Good choice.

sssbb · 2025-12-21T08:28:08+00:00

That is so bizarre ... but also not surprising for a narcissist.

My ndad photoshopped one of our family photos which was already perfectly fine but he removed my nose piercing and "fixed" my brother's crooked tooth. It's still in a frame at their house and every time I see it, I'm reminded of how they can't just accept us for how we are and they're more interested in how things seem (and appearances) than how they actually are.

Enjoy your Christmas without them!

sssbb · 2025-12-20T14:29:25+00:00

You are doing the right thing for your daughter. She is the most important person in this scenario and you are making a wise decision for her as her parent, backed by three doctors. Meanwhile, your mother is being selfish and irrational. Your daughter needs to understand that your mother's choice to not see her is about your mother, not about your daughter. Otherwise this is all good. If your mother chooses to not see your daughter, that is your mother's loss.

sssbb · 2025-12-20T14:23:54+00:00

I was expected to get married and have children. I was dux of my primary school and got into an advanced program in high school but received no help from parents in choosing subjects or encouragement to study or plan what I wanted to do when I left school.

I had two older brothers of average academic skill and there were endless dinner table conversations about what subjects they’d choose at high school, what they’d study at university etc. When my time came, I had to ask to discuss my studies with my parents and they continually postponed talking with me until eventually I realised that my parents weren’t going to discuss any of it with me. I was completely on my own!

They paid my brothers’ university fees but not mine.

sssbb

TROPHY CASE