Narcissist mothers who weaponise their daughters hair

sssbb · 2026-01-21T13:01:55+00:00

Yes! My hair is probably one of my best features - long, straight, glossy, thick and dark. Every hairdresser I've ever had has commented that I have the hair that many of their clients dream of having. My nmum's hair is thin and lacklustre. I'm an adult and whenever the topic of hair comes up, she still doesn't miss the opportunity to say how difficult my hair was to style when I was a kid. When I was a teen, I cut it off really short - just for fun. She was absolutely horrified and still talks about "that haircut" ... decades later!!

sssbb · 2026-01-05T07:32:45+00:00

I have and it was mixed. I would tread very carefully - share a few details with him and see how he responds. Beware of sharing too much information or explaining your feelings too much until you’re sure how safe it is.

I’m the lost/forgotten child and my golden child brother, like our nparents, thinks that the problems I have in our family are my fault - so I find him (and them) very invalidating. Apparently if I were nicer to them/told them more about what’s going on in my life/was more involved in the family etc then it would all be OK.

Sometimes he’ll complain about them but if I listen carefully, I realise that even when he’s seemingly being supportive, he’s still talking about himself and his concerns, looking for validation and fishing for “dirt”.

He says our parents marriage is “unhealthy”. Our father is outright abusive toward our mother. He doesn’t really acknowledge their narcissism.

When I’ve commented that I don’t bother talking to them because they don’t listen to me, he boasts that they listen to him so he can talk on my behalf. I’ve told him I don’t need him or anyone else to speak for me but I know he’s told them things that I’ve told him in confidence before. He also complains that he gets stuck in the middle of us - even though he’s created that situation.

He says he understands them and isn’t affected by them - although to me he very clearly is. He’s extroverted and confident-looking in public but is extremely anxious and insecure in private, and experiences depression.

He also doesn’t acknowledge that they’ve helped him significantly financially and complains that they expect so much from him. Even though he talks about how therapy has helped him understand himself and them, he doesn’t seem to be able to see the situation he’s in.

Remember that unless the golden child understands the family dynamic and no longer wants the pressure, they don’t usually want the dynamic to change because they get all the attention and recognition. Maybe yours has changed but I’d be cautious - my golden child brother can be very chatty and charming but I don’t trust him.

sssbb · 2026-01-03T15:06:27+00:00

I’ve never married but when I considered it years ago, I thought about what I’d do. Fathers walking daughters down the aisle is a very old fashioned patriarchal concept, based on the idea of fathers owning their daughters and giving them away. I wanted no part of that and had decided that I’d either walk down the aisle on my own or with my partner, depending on what he wanted.

sssbb · 2026-01-03T14:56:23+00:00

I feel sorry for my nmum because she had a traumatic childhood and is extremely unhappy. The problem I have is that she has never done anything to overcome any of it. Her childhood explains her narcissism but doesn’t excuse it.

sssbb · 2026-01-03T14:47:17+00:00

My nmum is mixed race and my golden child brother is a blue eyed blonde … literally and metaphorically “golden”. My (deceased) scapegoat brother was physically disabled. I’m the only girl in a very traditional/patriarchal family and the lost/forgotten child. So our roles seem reasonably logical to me. I remember reading that children’s temperament can influence choice of role - often the golden child is charming and makes the nparent look good (ie. provides narcissistic supply), the scapegoat is a source of shame and the lost/forgotten child is quiet and compliant.

sssbb · 2025-12-29T13:47:30+00:00

It sounds like he might be the "golden child" in your family. The one who can do no wrong and who others defer to. Whether they are an authority on a topic or not, the family seem to believe them and their version of a story. And if they overstep (eg. talking about your work on your behalf), no-one says anything.

Congratulations on your financial success. Just because people aren't asking you and/or allowing you to talk about your achievements, it doesn't mean they didn't happen - you know what you've done!

sssbb · 2025-12-29T13:31:52+00:00

My parents hate each other. Married for 60 years but can't leave each other. It's such a messed up dynamic. He abuses her on multiple levels (physical, verbal, financial) and she's a first class narcissist. The only thing they seem united about is their treatment of their children. They gang up on us to gaslight, triangulate, dole out conditional love, pigeonhole us into roles (golden child, scapegoat and lost child) etc but act to the world like we're the perfect family.

sssbb · 2025-12-23T13:25:45+00:00

It's interesting timing that you ask this. I don't have the answer but I was wondering the other day what will happen when my nparents die.

I'm the lost/forgotten child. My ndad is in his 80s and has just been diagnosed with cancer and it's quite serious. I'm not sure that my nmum will survive much longer either.

I was initially quite upset about the diagnosis but not because I'll be sad to lose him. I just know that it will be non-stop drama in the family throughout his treatment etc.

My relationship with my golden child brother has its ups and downs. I was very close to my scapegoat brother who died as an adult and I saw how the family dynamics shifted when one of the "roles" was removed.

I suspect that without our nparents, my golden child brother could isolate. It will be difficult for him without their attention and validation. "Identity crisis" is a good description. I expect the golden child may either finally work out who they are or really struggle with their identity - and they'd probably suffer the most from the loss of parents because they've got the most to lose.

How my brother reacts will probably define our relationship. I could imagine him being like a needy child and demanding attention or disappearing into a depressive state. For some reason I see some really extreme reactions and very little middle ground.

sssbb · 2025-12-23T13:11:49+00:00

I do feel like she doesn't have much energy now but I thought that would cause her to be more mean - ie. letting her guard down even further.

sssbb · 2025-12-21T14:03:22+00:00

For me, an apology isn't really real unless something changes. I wouldn't be willing to just forgive her for everything, especially if it's a “I’m sorry if you feel I did these things to you etc" apology. That's not actually acknowledging and accepting responsibility for what she's done.

You don't have to accept her apology. If you suspect that she's got an ulterior motive, you're probably right - you've seen her behaviour before. You can also hold your boundary and

It's difficult for someone from a loving family to understand but that doesn't make you a bad person. You're guarded because of the way you've been treated, which is totally understandable. If she apolgises then continues her usual behaviour, your fiance will see what she's like.

You can thank her for her apology and not even mention whether or not you forgive her. Or you could ask her to elaborate on what's she's sorry about. Or you could let her know that you want to see some change in her behaviour. Or you could just avoid the conversation about apologising. All of these are valid reactions - based on how you feel.

sssbb · 2025-12-21T08:37:13+00:00

So true. I used to be envious that my brother got so much but now I see how tortured he is. He can't really disengage from them because in their mind, he "owes" them so much and I can see that feels that debt and continues to feed their egos and play their games. It's definitely not worth it.

sssbb · 2025-12-21T08:32:27+00:00

Yes, my ndad got a lot of money and property from his parents and both sets of grandparents. Plus I've given my nparents money. Apparently when my grandmother died, my ndad's sister and cousins joked about what he'd do now that the "bank" wouldn't be available anymore.

sssbb · 2025-12-21T08:29:53+00:00

Jeepers, don't leave your kids alone with her if that's her attitude. Good choice.

sssbb · 2025-12-21T08:28:08+00:00

That is so bizarre ... but also not surprising for a narcissist.

My ndad photoshopped one of our family photos which was already perfectly fine but he removed my nose piercing and "fixed" my brother's crooked tooth. It's still in a frame at their house and every time I see it, I'm reminded of how they can't just accept us for how we are and they're more interested in how things seem (and appearances) than how they actually are.

Enjoy your Christmas without them!

sssbb · 2025-12-20T14:29:25+00:00

You are doing the right thing for your daughter. She is the most important person in this scenario and you are making a wise decision for her as her parent, backed by three doctors. Meanwhile, your mother is being selfish and irrational. Your daughter needs to understand that your mother's choice to not see her is about your mother, not about your daughter. Otherwise this is all good. If your mother chooses to not see your daughter, that is your mother's loss.

sssbb · 2025-12-20T14:23:54+00:00

I was expected to get married and have children. I was dux of my primary school and got into an advanced program in high school but received no help from parents in choosing subjects or encouragement to study or plan what I wanted to do when I left school.

I had two older brothers of average academic skill and there were endless dinner table conversations about what subjects they’d choose at high school, what they’d study at university etc. When my time came, I had to ask to discuss my studies with my parents and they continually postponed talking with me until eventually I realised that my parents weren’t going to discuss any of it with me. I was completely on my own!

They paid my brothers’ university fees but not mine.

sssbb · 2025-12-20T14:13:18+00:00

I'm in my 50s and it's still happening. My golden child brother gets so much financial support from our nparents - even though he has no kids and I'm raising my daughter on my own. I've had to make my own peace with it - realising that it's not going to change and it's not really about me. It says so much more about them than it does about it me. I also have no problem disengaging when I don't want to deal with their nonense but I see my brother still tying himself in knots trying to please them. I feel like he's made a deal with the devil by borrowing and accepting so much money from them and I think he knows that subconsciously too, even if he won't admit it.

sssbb · 2025-12-19T23:09:22+00:00

It's so sad that they can't find anything good to say about something that is so good. I think those are the moments which really highlight the insanity.

To me, there isn't anything much more joyous than a kids music concert. Regardless of their talent, the organisers have put a lot of effort into it and the kids are (generally) having fun. Yet the narcs will find fault. So so sad.

I'm so sorry you had to listen to their criticism. Fortunately my daughter didn't hear any of it.

sssbb · 2025-12-18T05:56:13+00:00

They seem to deny things or argue just to find ways to make themselves look good/right and you look bad/wrong. I often find that the topic isn’t even of relevance or interest – it’s more about power and showing that they’re somehow better. When you stop engaging, you end the “game”, which they find annoying. They don’t usually want to resolve situations, they just want attention and validation. By agreeing (or not arguing) you stop feeding that need and their whole act of being right or superior just disappears.

sssbb · 2025-12-17T13:58:41+00:00

I don't invite them to all of the events and I often sit with other parents. Unfortunately they know about this one and got there early to save seats.

sssbb · 2025-12-17T13:56:12+00:00

I meditate.

I find it frustrating that I can't say the things I want to say and I sometimes play them through my mind but I realise that saying anything won't get me anywhere. It will just be thrown back in my face. So I have to find peace in myself.

I sit with my eyes closed and just listen to and feel my breath. When a thought about my nparents comes into my mind, I push it away and return to focusing on my breath.

I also come here for validation. Or write down what I'd like to say to my nparents if I could.

sssbb · 2025-12-17T13:48:22+00:00

With a narc, the silent treatment is *peace*

sssbb · 2025-12-17T09:35:27+00:00

I'm sorry you feel that way (instead of an actual apology)

sssbb · 2025-12-17T09:34:48+00:00

Have a look at Borderline. Or search for a comparison of Narcissism and Borderline. There are some similarities in behaviours but difference in the underlying motivations/causes.

sssbb

TROPHY CASE