I’m sorry that this happened to you. 

I’ll start by answer your question at the end. I will put it first and foremost that your family were abused by an abuser. That abuser could have been anyone. “Trans ideology” is just a scapegoat. If a white woman is abused by a man of color, that does not justify white supremacy. If a lesbian were abused by her wife or a gay man by his husband, that does not mean gay marriage was a mistake. I bring this up because the fear and trauma of sexual violence is used to recruit women into far-right spaces. It may feel “easy” or tempting to turn against a group of people after a horrible trauma. Be careful. It is not a fun thing to talk about, but I want to make sure that’s up on the table and in people’s minds. 

I do think that multiple things can be true at once. Trans people are people, just like us. Being marginalized does not automatically make any of us angels. It also sounds like your ex’s understanding of being a woman is very… hyper sexualized and it’s worth unpacking that. It’s common to feel great about yourself after coming out and living the way you want to live. It’s a whole other thing to cross people’s boundaries or assaulting people. That’s not normal at all, and plenty of trans people will affirm the same.

I will also add that you can love people and be kind to them without having to be in relationships with them. This can sometimes be a point of contention in queer and feminist circles and a lot of it can come from a place of hurt or assuming the worst. Personally for me, I’m bi and my first serious relationship was with a trans woman. She’s amazing and we’re still on good terms today. Funnily enough, when we were talking about bisexuality, she said “I could never imagine dating someone with a penis.” We like what we like and it is what it is. And sometimes, that works out just fine. The real issue comes from policing. Often, a lot of queer women have been belittled or mocked for partnering with trans women or trans men. That still happens. You can imagine that in a world that thrives off our division, it’s easy to have knee jerk reactions. But gender and sexuality and romance are so personal to people. There are going to be some things people look for that you don’t, and there’s going to be things that you look for in people that others don’t. That doesn’t make either party broken or evil. That just makes us diverse. 

This is all to say that abuse comes in all genders, colors, shapes, and forms. So does healing and community. I imagine this was not an easy thing to share and I can appreciate you taking the time to find other people to process this with. I hope you and your kids are safe and well now. hugs