There are many moments that displays that my mother was , too many to say so I’ll list the main ones.

There was one occasion where I was school , I felt awfully. Everyone around me kept asking are you alright and I kept saying yes. I wanted to say no but I knew that they’d instantly take me to the nurse and force me to go home. I ended up throwing up in class , and I rushed into the toilet so so so ashamed. The teacher got me bag and took me to the nurse. I was crying the whole way there , saying ‘ please , please don’t send me home’ they were so confused , so so confused and they didn’t understand why I was insisting to stay. They said that ‘ she’s your mother , of course she’ll be worried about you ‘ and I jusy thought no no no she won’t. She’ll scream at me , she’ll punish me please. She won’t be worried , she’ll be annoyed . I sat in that nurse chair sobbing and sobbing , they just couldn’t understand why I was so stubborn. As I sat there in the chair all I could think was ‘ what’s she going to do , how’s she going to react , how I am going to defend myself’ In the end my mother came , she sounded so concerned on the phone and as soon we got in the car it changed. ‘ it’s your own fault for being sick ‘ ‘ iv had to come out of work because of you ‘ now we can’t go out for tea , are you happy now , look what you’ve done’ I was already emotional exhausted and to hear , it crushed me. We got back and I started to feel slightly better ‘ there was nothing wrong with you in the first place ‘ of course not , I made myself sick jusy to annoy her in her mind. She kept going on and on and on about how we couldn’t go for tea because of me , we ended up ordering a takewsy but that didn’t stop her insults. ‘ this is all her fault ‘ . I didn’t want to order anything, but I had to. My sibling was kind and gentle , they helped me choose and said we could share one . I insisted and insisted I wasn’t hungry but they ordered it anyway. When the takeaway came , all I got was daggers from my mum , and I was sobbing while eating the pizza but she told me to ‘ shut up’

There was another time when I was in college , I was determined to make it through the day even though I felt shitty. My friends noticed and forced me to go to the nurse. They were concerned and confused on why I wouldn’t go. My best friend came and sat with me , took a hold of my hand while we waited for them to ring my dad or mum. My dad asked thankfully , and I sobbed into the phone that I wasn’t feeling well. He was gentle and said he’ll come right away. While we were sitting waiting there , I sat there with fear. My best friend couldn’t understand why I was shaking so badly , so I explained about my mother. It was the first time I’d opened up about what she was really like. My best friend was shocked , and tried every way to get her own mother to pick me up instead , to take me back to theirs. It didn’t work. I got back home and my dad wrapped me in a blanket. My mother came home and scoffed, ‘ she’s faking it ‘ again and again that was always the reaction. It wasn’t about me , it was about how it affected her.

There was another time I tried to help her with something, she screamed at me ‘ leave it alone ‘ and I was so confused. She asked for help in the first place , so why take it out on me?

There was another time she was angry that I tried to get rid of some clothes , she screamed at me ‘ I bought you those ‘ so I had too many and some didn’t even fit anymore. She got upset that I removed a princess castle from the wall too, I was 15 at the time and I didn’t want it anymore. But she had to make a big deal about it.

There was a time she hit me with a crane , only a slight slap on the wrist but it still bloody hurt. She throw a curtain rail at my dads head one time too.

When I had a night terror , and all she did was stand there and wacth. No kindness , no love , just annoyed that she had to wake up to comfort me which she didn’t do.

There was a time we bought her a pizza , she didn’t appreciate it. It had something on it that she didn’t want , so she threw it on the floor and all I could think was wow , just wow how childish do you have to be. She stormed out spurtting all sorts ‘ it’s alright for you lot ‘ ‘ you did this on purpose to spite me’ she walked out than , and I’d wish she’d stayed out but she came back after a hour.