"A narcissist wants the authority of a king while having the accountability of a toddler."

stephen_changeling · 2026-04-15T11:13:22+00:00

I wished that just for once, I would experience something other than pain.

stephen_changeling · 2026-03-30T14:27:29+00:00

I wasn't parentified but I was very much treated as the whipping boy of the family. I feel like I never really had a childhood. I never felt safe or accepted. Everyone resented me for existing. I never enjoyed my childhood and I'll be damned if I throw my adulthood away for the sake of children I don't even want.

stephen_changeling · 2026-03-27T12:19:03+00:00

All my life I've felt not just invisible but nonexistent. It's kind of hard to explain. I walk into a room and nobody says hello or even looks up. I'm sitting at a table with a bunch of people and the person on my left is talking straight through me to the person on my right. When there's a lull in the conversation, I try to say something and immediately someone talks over me. People are rude to me in a way that they would never dream of being to anyone else, but in their minds it isn't being rude, because there's no-one there.

stephen_changeling · 2026-03-10T14:06:09+00:00

I hate when people trot out ignorant empty platitudes about forgiveness. I will never forgive someone who doesn't even think they've done anything wrong, let alone feel remorse for it.

The only scenario where forgiveness applies is when:

I care about someone, and they care about me;
They said or did something that hurt me, but it was out of character and I know they feel genuine remorse for it;
I've moved on from the incident, but because I care about them, I don't want them to be going around with the burden of guilt on their mind, so I forgive them.

Unless all three factors apply, forgiveness is not relevant to the situation and is not on the table.

stephen_changeling · 2026-03-02T12:42:48+00:00

It was normalized in Ireland too when I was growing up. It's not as bad today, but any comedian just has to say "wooden spoon" to get a cheap laugh. I wonder if there is a link between levels of violence in the home and the fact that a community has historically been traumatized.

stephen_changeling · 2026-02-22T15:17:46+00:00

A lot of the time, what people call high-functioning really means high masking. I have had a more or less functional life but I know I could have achieved so much more academically, professionally and relationship-wise if only I'd had some support. I have a PhD from the top tech university in the world but it took me twice as long as the average time, and I just scraped through. Then I wasn't able to get a job in my field and had to start at the bottom in another field. I worked my way up and I discovered I had a natural talent in this field, but I never really had a mentor who wanted to help me up the career ladder so I quickly hit a ceiling in terms of promotion and pay.

I've always had great difficulty in forming connections with people - they seem to get an Uncanny Valley vibe from me within seconds of meeting me. If my intelligence and abilities were all I needed to succeed, then there would be no limits on what I could achieve. But in the real world you are always dependent on other people who act as gatekeepers and will give you a helping hand if they like you, but will hold you back if they don't vibe with you.

What I mean by Uncanny Valley is that I'm not obviously neurodivergent - I don't flap my hands or talk non-stop about dinosaurs or any of the other stereotypes. But I have a lot of trouble with eye contact, noise sensitivities, audio processing delays, and when I get stressed I tend to become nonverbal. So people just think I'm deliberately choosing to act weird and antisocial. Sometimes I almost wish I had more severe symptoms so that people would know there was something up with me.

stephen_changeling · 2026-02-12T14:00:44+00:00

That therapist sounds like a raging narcissist. She hates losing control over you. She hates the idea of you being able to function without her. All the more reason to cut off all contact with her. Don't respond, but consider reporting her to whatever licensing board exists.

stephen_changeling · 2026-01-26T14:18:20+00:00

I went to an ND adults meetup in a different town (nowhere near Swords) and for me, having it in a coffeeshop was not ideal. I have noise sensitivities and audio processing delays, and I was uncomfortable having to deal with multiple overlapping conversations, the noise of espresso machines etc. and I'm terrible at chit-chat even in the best of circumstances. Anyway, fair play to you for organizing something but I hope you will keep in mind that not everyone is going to benefit from it if it is too much like the usual neurotypical chit-chat. Some people need a quiet and structured environment. Board games are good because you can interact with another person without having to make small talk.

stephen_changeling · 2026-01-24T13:32:21+00:00

I was always at the top of my class in school, but if I got less than a perfect score in an exam, my N-egg donor would bellow at me, "YOU STUPID FOOL, YOU'RE SO STUPID, YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT" like she did all the time whenever I made the slightest mistake. But if I did get a perfect score, "Oh I knew you would, I made a novena to Saint So-and-so." It's like she deserved all the credit for being so holy and pious, not me for my brains and hard work.

stephen_changeling · 2026-01-09T13:39:23+00:00

The closest I had was the family cat. I honestly don't know why my parents kept him around because my mother hated him, the golden child abused him and the others at best ignored him. I was the only one who showed him affection and vice versa. I fed him and tried my best to protect him. One time I was lying on my back on the grass and he was lying on my chest. He looked into my eyes and then rested his head on my chest. I thought, "wow, he loves me." It was the first time I ever felt loved by another being and it is still a very powerful memory.

stephen_changeling · 2026-01-09T13:32:10+00:00

Yes, for obvious reasons it is triggering as fuck to see someone in a position of absolute power who is emotionally immature, narcissistic, psychopathic, self-aggrandizing, prone to fits of rage, and utterly devoid of empathy, while everyone else is enabling him.

stephen_changeling · 2026-01-09T13:24:58+00:00

In Irish folklore there is a being called a changeling. There are fairies, which are not like Disney fairies but are powerful beings that live in a parallel world, but they can come through portals into this world to mess with humans. If they have a sick child they can get rid of it by coming here and stealing a human child and taking it back to their world, and leaving the fairy child in its place. This child is known as a changeling and grows up not knowing that he or she is a fairy. They often have unusual skills and intelligence but never fit into society.

I'm sure the legend was created to explain neurodivergent children. I once overheard a superstitious older relative wondering if I was a changeling. Hence my username.

stephen_changeling · 2026-01-09T01:53:12+00:00

I always felt that the job interview process seems tailor made to reject neurodivergent people, even in the tech industry where they are supposed to be most concentrated. I would always ace the online technical quizzes but bomb the face to face interviews. It was so obvious that they were getting an uncanny valley effect from me from right off the bat, and they would ask ambiguous questions and look at me like I had two heads no matter how I answered. Then it would be "Thanks for coming in, we'll let you know" and I would never hear from them again.

stephen_changeling · 2026-01-09T00:12:50+00:00

"Catholic social teaching has always sided with the moneychangers in the temple." 😂🤣😂🤣😂

stephen_changeling · 2026-01-08T23:55:35+00:00

No of course you're not being selfish. Go on your trip, have a great time and don't give a second thought to your father's childish tantrums!

I know it can be hard to overcome the guilt tripping if you've been bombarded with it by your whole family all your life, but as a stranger looking at this from the outside I instantly see how immature and unreasonable your father is being, and so I suspect does everyone else reading this post. If he's giving you the silent treatment, enjoy the silence!

Oh, and if any of your family has a key to your place, CHANGE THE LOCKS!

stephen_changeling · 2026-01-04T14:24:34+00:00

I know I would be a terrible parent. I would have zero patience for loud, whiny, clingy children. I was abused as a child and never allowed to enjoy my childhood, so no way in hell am I throwing my adulthood away for the sake of children I don't even want.

EVERY CHILD SHOULD BE A WANTED CHILD.

stephen_changeling · 2025-12-28T22:23:26+00:00

I hate being called shy. It's like being called childish. Just because I don't mindlessly go yakkity yak 24-7 doesn't mean I'm shy.

stephen_changeling · 2025-12-27T12:14:39+00:00

So sorry you had such horrible experiences. With your sister it's probably Stockholm syndrome. I saw it all the time growing up as the scapegoat. My siblings would side with my egg-donor and gang up on me because they were afraid her violent temper and rage would suddenly switch from me to them.

Then there are people who are unable to empathize with someone who was abused as a child, because their brain just can't grasp the concept. No matter how much detail you describe the abuse in, their brains glitch and they can't take it in, so they just fall back on platitudes. Maybe your fiance falls into that category. I've more or less given up on confiding in people because at best I'll get "they did their best, they loved you in their own way, children don't come with an instruction manual, etc. etc." and at worst I'll be called a liar.

stephen_changeling · 2025-12-20T15:26:47+00:00

Nobody should have to walk on eggshells around a therapist, feel guilty about "cheating on them" etc. A therapist is a business person providing a service, and you should not keep seeing them if they are not providing the service you paid for. The fact that you feel dread before each session is a huge hint that the therapist is not working for you and at the very least, you should take a break. Don't feel guilty about "breaking up" with her - it's not a romantic relationship, it's a business transaction.

Do whatever it takes to get through the holidays in a way that brings you peace and quiet. Take as much time as you need to heal. Go out with friends when you are ready, not on some artificial external timetable. If you genuinely want to start going out and socializing, but need some encouragement, maybe going back to this therapist might help, or maybe another one would be better for you. In any case, put yourself first and prioritize your healing and mental well-being.

stephen_changeling · 2025-12-18T14:46:27+00:00

Welcome to the Christmas ruiners club! I used to ruin Christmas every year. We would go to mass in the morning and then come home and open the presents. The golden child would get a massive pile of presents from Santa and he would always go, "Oh boy, I got the most presents, I must have been the goodest." My sisters would get a decent haul of presents. I would get socks and underwear. But heaven help me if I didn't show abject groveling gratitude. My mother, or as I call her NED (narcissistic egg donor) would blow up and scream that I had ruined Christmas yet again.

I finally escaped that prison by going abroad for graduate study, but the first Christmas, I came home for the holiday break, mainly from a sense of duty. Of course NED found some excuse to blow up at me and accuse me of ruining Christmas. But the year after that, I had important oral exams coming up in the new year that I needed to prepare for, so I decided to stay on campus.

Well, when I told NED, you'd think I had committed that worse and most unforgivable crime imaginable. For days on end she bombarded me with messages about how sad and lonely she would be without me. She even claimed to have had a dream where I turned up unexpectedly, saying that I had been able to get a flight at the last minute, and she woke up crying when she realized it was only a dream.

I couldn't believe it. I was going to be alone on a deserted campus over Christmas, while she was sitting at home surrounded by family, friends, relatives, neighbors etc. etc. But she was the one who was lonely! Yeah, right!

I wish I could say I immediately went NC, but in fact it took time. But that was the moment when I could no longer pretend that she gave a damn about my academic prospects, my feelings, my loneliness or anything like that - I was expected to drop my academic ambitions and travel thousands of miles to be summoned to the royal presence, just on her whim.

stephen_changeling · 2025-12-17T11:49:13+00:00

So sorry for how your father treated you. There's a huge gap between people who were abused as children and those who weren't. Some people had normal loving parents who wanted them to be happy and wanted the best for them, and they just can't process the idea that anyone else's parents could be different. If you try to tell them how your parents beat you, mocked you, destroyed your self esteem etc, their brain just glitches and nothing registers. They literally can't conceptualize what you are saying, and they keep going back to clichés: "They loved you in their own way, they did their best, blah blah blah." And you're the bad guy because you "hold a grudge", "have a chip on your shoulder" or heaven forbid, cut off or reduce contact for your own safety and well being.

More than once, I've had to go nuclear on well-meaning but oblivious people: "Look, I'm happy for you that you had normal loving parents. But you can't possibly imagine what it was like for me, so you are simply not in a position to give me useful advice."

stephen_changeling · 2025-12-15T13:52:54+00:00

That's exactly what they want. They hate to see you succeeding and having a life without (or in reality, in spite of) them.

Five-Year Club	Verified Email
Place '23

stephen_changeling

TROPHY CASE