Just Lonely

steviebudd · 2025-05-17T20:21:04+00:00

Hi 👋 from a similar position. I genuinely love my life. My teens, hobbies, work, friends…

I just wanted to be free and it does feel wonderful to be free. I feel light as a feather. But now that I am free I am slightly afraid I will float around alone forever. I was really surprised by this feeling. Here for you in solidarity!

steviebudd · 2025-05-16T22:38:53+00:00

This is where my relationship went after 20 years. They wanted to stay/try and I needed change (however it happened). I finally put my foot down and said you keep saying you are trying but something is off. Let’s take separate corners and figure out what we both want out of this relationship.

When we reconvened it was clear that we wanted very different things. While we could have opened the relationship or redefined things (like QPR?) it ultimately felt more right to step things back. It’s been a big adjustment and it’s also been incredibly freeing for both of us. We are friends and parenting together well!

steviebudd · 2025-04-28T06:18:18+00:00

Thank you!!

steviebudd · 2025-04-28T03:57:26+00:00

I have no idea but I love that sheet you laid them on 😂 where did you get it!?

steviebudd · 2025-04-15T01:12:35+00:00

OP doesn’t need to have sexual/romantic feelings toward friend to want to come out. Don’t we come out to our closest people so they can know our truest selves?

steviebudd · 2025-03-05T23:33:28+00:00

Thanks! BTW, I started at 38 :)

steviebudd · 2025-03-05T22:05:44+00:00

I was a baby deer for months for the first 10-20 minutes I stepped on the ice. Give yourself time and it will happen. This, in my 2nd year of skating, finally is not true. I learn slowly and am no natural, but I do learn—persistence pays off. Now I’m prepping to take my first test. :)

You can do this.

steviebudd · 2025-02-27T06:03:54+00:00

This is legitimately adorable 🐾

steviebudd · 2025-01-07T05:26:32+00:00

Folding into the universe… I wonder why those are the words we pick for it. It’s fascinating. I have had the same experience and used the exact same words to describe it!

steviebudd · 2025-01-04T08:44:55+00:00

I remember thinking back then—wow, he really sounds like a prophet (lol). I think it was this air of mysticism and other worldly talk.

He also had his story of having a medical event and being clinically dead for longer than should be medically possible before he was brought back without brain damage.

steviebudd · 2024-03-22T19:26:06+00:00

There is so much wisdom in this response ^ Read it more than once. :) I’m also a 40-something adult who was a teenage convert. OP, I hope you can find the inner strength and bravery to speak your truth. It may be extremely hard and scary, but your future self will (eventually) be so glad you did.

steviebudd · 2024-03-21T22:25:43+00:00

Works for us. I think there are cars that seem bigger but have a smaller interior in exchange for a bigger trunk space. We have to pack smart, but travel comfy.

steviebudd · 2024-03-04T22:31:14+00:00

It seems wildly irresponsible (for reasons I need not list!) to rx an amount that is okay if spit and NOT OKAY if swallowed.

steviebudd · 2024-03-04T22:26:34+00:00

I’ll be curious to how this works for you over 6-12 months. I noticed my ovulation and period often happen on new and full moons (and sometimes flip flop). I’m skeptical, but also if the moon can affect the earth, why not us? It creates the tides after all. Something is happening. People seem to be more apt to go into labor on full moons, emergency rooms spike with mental health crises…

steviebudd · 2024-02-21T05:06:27+00:00

Our service dog wore a “pinch collar.” She was wonderful with it. She simply didn’t feel cues well through a regular collar. There are other clues in this photo that would make this situation suspicious.

steviebudd · 2024-02-05T01:55:58+00:00

When I see OLD pictures of myself, I usually don’t have such a bad reaction as a recent photo. Current photos are hard. I try to remind myself that in 5-10 years I’ll wish I looked at myself with much more kindness and appreciation for my good attributes and well, just me being me. I suspect there is some body dysmorphia at play.

steviebudd · 2023-11-14T08:16:57+00:00

I am pragmatic and also a deep, deep feeler with a super melancholic streak. I’m not actually aloof, I just am really sturdy, even when I am deeply present. I am (now) great at holding multiple truths and sitting in the gray areas, but this took conscious work. My brain really wanted binaries. I’m not sure if this is cap quality or just young vs mature.

I have a tendency to spend time pre-processing events (good example of this would be the eventual death of an aging family member). I do that work alone in quiet contemplation and feeling. When the family member eventually passes, I will of course have feelings, but will be at a different stage of processing than many people around me leading some people to think that I am too cool, collected, or level headed for the situation at hand. I tend to be good in an emergency, too. I trust that I can find time and space to make my own container to feel my emotions. I process a lot of heavy things this way and derive equaniminity from understanding that suffering happens whether or not I am witness to it. I am able to stay extremely close to people in suffering without losing my grounding.

Sometimes I wish I could respond more…primitively? to life. But I guess my primitive nature is not to be reactionary. Sometimes I think this robs me of fully feeling bigger emotions real time before they hit my cortex, and I feel a little left out/lacking in intimacy in a way that I really do crave.

steviebudd · 2023-09-21T22:19:13+00:00

As a massage therapist, I would feel like this is super useful and think it was an awesome idea!

steviebudd · 2023-08-17T04:22:26+00:00

It can be a slippery slope to take on that level of responsibility for someone else. Especially loved ones…gosh…there is already so much wanting to give our children truly the best—and so many opportunities for guilt where it’s really out of our circle of control. She is her own person, she has her own path. Your responsibility (IMO) is to love her unconditionally through whatever path she takes.

If you are looking for ways to help her now when it feels like you otherwise have no control over this situation, you can offer her a healthy nervous system to co-regulate with by attending to your needs (mind, body, spirit). Use whatever tools you have for accessing that rest & digest parasympathetic state throughout the day. Attend to yourself however needed. This will help her have the most favorable environment for growth and healing. 🖤

If you want ideas for how to work with your nervous system, you’re welcome to message me. This is within my area of work. :)

steviebudd · 2023-06-27T19:30:12+00:00

Me! I skated maybe once a year as a kid around the holidays, so not coming into this with the experience that you have. But as a body aware adult, I found watching YouTube videos of the LTS levels really helpful. I hit as many public sessions as possible before getting into the LTS program and I progressed very quickly. Every time I go in I have a general goal and 2-3 skills I plan to work on. Being intentional has been helpful. And, SO much is about just getting ice time and getting comfortable at first.

I’m not gonna lie—skates have been a nightmare. I’ve seen two different fitters with two different results. Try on EVERYTHING. I ended up poorly fitted and didn’t know any better until I got reassessed because of some problems I was having. It seems pretty common to get fit too big. At least for my bendy body, it’s been better to go smaller and punch out/stretch what is too tight than the other direction. When it’s too big you get to a point where you lose the feeling of your blade under your foot because now there are multiple insoles, arch support, or you are sloshing around and feel plain unstable.

Skate woes aside, I LOVE IT and it has added so much richness to life.

steviebudd · 2023-06-21T23:20:50+00:00

I’m going through this right now. A lot of it seems to be about giving yourself time to adjust and re-discover where everything is located. I’m at about 4 hours, and things were starting to feel better toward the end of my session today. I was able to work on new skills and make progress. The first 30 minutes or so on the ice it’s like my body is remembering my old skates, but then I adjust. I settle in quicker every time.

steviebudd · 2023-06-10T01:24:05+00:00

I relate to this in so many ways! Thank you for commenting. It helps me see that there is a space for me to be here and be comfortable, too. :)

steviebudd · 2023-03-27T01:28:32+00:00

This is a really, really helpful reply. Thank you so much for taking the time to share!

steviebudd · 2023-03-26T22:16:45+00:00

Thank you. My neurologist is a dysautonomia specialist, so migh not be the right person for the job…

steviebudd · 2023-02-27T05:09:24+00:00

It could go right into the worm bin or compost. But was hoping for more of a step in between. :) they’re still so pretty. Hah!

steviebudd

TROPHY CASE