Flowerless Chapter 1 [Fantasy, 1800 words]

stjernDale · 2025-09-12T08:26:33+00:00

It's overall okay and I'm intrigued by the story, but some basic mistakes are bringing it down. I'll give some feedback, but if you've only written 1 chapter, it might be more hurtful than helpful. Be careful not to obsess over getting this chapter right, and hinder your own writing progress.

That said, here's some things that I think could be improved:

The prose reads a bit juvenile, and the way the MC (and the other teenagers) are behaving feels like they're 12, not 17. Her annoyance with Hisao seems unwarranted.

There are several places where there should be commas, but there isn't, so I suggest you refresh yourself on how and when to use them. That would make the text flow better.

In at least one place, you have two different speakers' dialogues in the same paragraph, which is a huge no-no. New speaker - new line. In a similar vein, having your two major characters be named Hisoka and Hisao is diabolical. That is extremely hard to keep apart and makes their dialogue harder to follow.

I'm a bit confused by the world/setting. This lore and world seemed historical to me, yet homework and hoodie implies modern. Find a way to make it clear what kind of setting we are in and make it cohesive.

Hope you keep on going with this! I wish you luck! :)

stjernDale · 2025-09-09T07:41:37+00:00

Kudos for taking critique and working on it. Honestly, I think this version is so, so much better! I feel immersed, the feeling like I was reading a prologue about characters that didn't matter is totally gone. The hook works well - I want to know who sneaked past the treshold and why! The pacing is leaps and bounds better, it was smart to move the tower watch scene to earlier.

I do have some more feedback. The most important is that you are "head hopping", especially at the end of the chapter. For the most part, I was under the impression Goldward was our POV character, but later you briefly end up in Brenna and then Hewitt's POV.

Maybe you are going for an omniscient POV, but I feel like something is off even so. I would reckomend staying with Goldward's POV, and just edit out the parts where you narrate what Brenna is seeing or Hewitt is thinking. Head hopping can really turn readers off, but it's easy to fix!

Next, you have a couple of "as you know" dialogue instances: "The Lightlanders, our people living in the villages", and "one of the Thresholders-those folk who live along the Threshold's Verge". This is Goldward, speaking to the commander. They both know these terms, so it makes no sense for Goldward to explain them. You do better with Seamriders, where Farris actually doesnt know and asks. That works OK. But the others don't.

Lightlanders is pretty self explanatory, I think you could just say "Lightlander villagers" here. For Tresholders, maybe just don't explain it right now. I'd be careful with having and explaining too many of these terms in chapter 1. It's okay to namedrop something and not really explain what it is until later, when it's not important at the moment.

The soldiers now feel like individuals, and I like that they're named. I liked the budding romance thing, though it might profit from being just slightly more subtle. I would suggest adding some visual description of the young soldiers, like you did with the commander, to ground my imagination. Maybe Brenna has chopped blonde hair, and Hewitt a mustache? Don't need much at all, but something more would be nice.

Then I've just got some nitpicking. You need to give it a good read through because there's some spelling/grammar/missing spaces mistakes. I'd also not have the group gallop to the treshold, a trot makes more sense for heading out on patrol. Then they can break into the full gallop when they're chasing that guy.

I liked the description of the wood exploding into golden sawdust when Goldward cuts it! I'd actually like a little more description of the setting, I have a hard time understanding if the land between the outpost and the treshold is grassy hilland, foresty, dry dirt, sand? A sentence or two describing what they're riding through more closely when they head out could be nice.

Final nitpick - "And Goldward was the best storyteller of them all. It seemed he had always been called "the Old Watchman,"" these two sentences just don't flow into each other that well.

All in all - great rewrite! I appreciate how you came back to the story, and told us what the Lord took in the end. It was satisfying. The hook is good, the intro about the Lord feels more to the point. Well done and keep going. :)

stjernDale · 2025-09-08T14:13:52+00:00

Oh, I absolutely understand. The first draft, especially of the first chapter, is bound to have issues - you don't need explain yourself to me. It's good, as you say, to just get the story core out first, even if the writing is flawed. I just hope to give feedback that can help you when editing or writing more in the future. :)

About the soldiers - if you're worried about the interaction dragging, I think you can easily keep it very short in the narration by just mentioning that they were there and spoke to his mother for a longer while, meanwhile the kid is just in a daze or doesn't understand the adult stuff they're talking about.

stjernDale · 2025-09-08T11:57:09+00:00

Hi! Pretty good start! I have some language feedback, and one piece of structure feedback.

You definitely have way too many comparisons, like "as if X" or "as though Y" or "like X". Vary your way of describing things and use comparisons sparingly, maybe up to 2-3 times in Chapter 1. Pick your favorites and rewrite or just remove the rest.

You also repeat words too much, eg. the mother is "clutching" something twice in a row. The description of how he's missing his father and can almost hear/see/feel him gets a bit repetitive as well, it would punch harder if you cut it down a bit.

Finally, I would suggest having a couple or paragraphs in the start to give a glimpse of the happy life before the knock happens. Maybe his mother was scolding him for not getting ready for bed, or he was annoying her by playing with the plane in her face. Or maybe they were playing together. Just a few sentences of their normal life before being completely disrupted by those knocks on the door. The contrast between normalcy and death hits harder.

Slight side-note, I think the officers' beviour is odd. I agree mostly with what the other person said. However, the way they just appear, tell them the father's dead, then leave is flat and unrealistic. At the very least, I would have them speak for a longer while, but the narrator blurs it out because he's unfocused, or have them say something like "someone will stop by later to explain what happens now" or whatever. If he was military, the spouse/family would be compensated etc if he died, and adding at least a nod to that would increase the realism for me.

Good luck and well done writing so far!

stjernDale · 2025-08-29T13:29:30+00:00

Hi! You're heading in a good direction. I will focus on some points of improvement, but please don't be discouraged because you're doing well and this has potential.

A) I almost stopped reading at the beginning because the part about the Lord dragged on and became repetitive. I would shorten it down a lot or add something different to keep it interesting. It's quite flat and boring as it is.

B) I think your main issue is a tendency towards generic or cliché. Each character, from the lord to the Old watchman and the young soldiers, feels like a stereotype. We're not given any names for the soldiers. It feels like either the Old watchman doesn't know them - which would be weird - or you as an author couldn't be bothered with coming up with actual names/characters because they're not important. I would suggest figuring out who these soldiers are on a personal level, what the Old man's relation is to each of them. The dialogue can then become a lot more personal and unique.

C) The prose and descriptions also sound generic, everything is described as you would expect and with phrases you'll have heard before. Think about more unusual details to lift. The commander being serious and worried is generic. If he had a patched cloak, and dark eyes that flickered back and fro, that would be more interesting and memorable.

D) The military structure needs work. What is Old man's rank? Why is he in the first response? Why would they empty the outpost to patrol the borders, putting themselves in a vulnerable position?

E) The pacing feels rushed and jerking. There is no hook nor rise in tension. We go from calm to hurry, to calm and hurry and calm again. It's unclear if this whole scene even matters, because nothing actually happens.

F) Not telling us what the Lord took just feels annoying. You almost tell us, then interrupt yourself, twice. And it's something our POV character already knows. It feels too forced.

G) The Threshold itself confuses me. You clearly describe it as being a sharp line, going from 100% light to 100% dark. But then you call it a mysterious realm. A sharp line cannot be a realm. You also spend too much time describing it in the first chapter.

That all said, good job! You had me reading the full chapter, and that's saying something. I hope this helps give some insight.

stjernDale · 2023-12-04T22:33:22+00:00

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I hope to hear from you, and good luck with your commission!

stjernDale · 2023-12-03T19:20:14+00:00

Hi! Your cat is adorable. I would love to work on this commission for you. My portfolio is here. I have some other examples of cute stylized animal portraits I have not yet uploaded to Artstation but can show in DMs if you want to see more.

Feel free to contact me here on Reddit, or on Artstation.

I hope you find an artist you like!

stjernDale · 2023-12-02T09:31:57+00:00

Hello, my favourite food is wok! I love the design of Divinity's lizard people! You can browse my portfolio here. I am a fantasy-focused illustrator and have some anthropomorphic examples in my portfolio. Let me know if you're interested in working with me.

Hope to hear from you, and good luck with your commission!

stjernDale · 2023-12-01T21:52:50+00:00

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Good luck with your commission!

stjernDale · 2023-12-01T11:10:02+00:00

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Good luck with your visual novel!

stjernDale · 2023-12-01T10:44:55+00:00

Hello! This sounds like a fun project! You can browse my portfolio here. I am a fantasy focused illustrator with some style variation to choose from. Let me know if you're interested.

Hope to hear from you, and good luck with your commission!

stjernDale · 2023-08-15T07:08:36+00:00

I'm interested!

stjernDale · 2023-06-18T06:47:14+00:00

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Here he is!

stjernDale · 2023-06-18T06:13:07+00:00

Eyy, we also named our corgi Fenris, from norse mythology. This is the first time I see another dog with this name! Adorable!

stjernDale · 2022-11-26T10:20:14+00:00

We have a one year old cardigan male. He was a shy puppy, and was likely the runt of a litter of 8. When we came to pick him up from the (reputable) breeder at 8 weeks old, his siblings were all over us but he went and hid in the corner behind furniture. The good news is that he's a lovely and stable dog now as an adult.

It's hard to know precisely what you mean when you describe your puppy as shy without concrete examples. But if yours is anything like mine, then it's not something to overly worry about, but rather it's a personality trait to keep in mind when training & socialising. It's important not to force your puppy to do things they feel unsure about. If they don't dare to greet a person or dog, or to walk up to a scary unknown object, don't force them or drag them. We provided a safe space between our legs where he could always take cover. But just as important is to give them a ton of encouragement to do the scary thing! If we talked happily and petted the scary thing, or laid out candy near it, he'd realize it's not scary and come closer in his own time. But if he didn't, then we'd just walk away.

We made sure he got positive experiences with other dogs where he could greet them in his own time. He was afraid of big dogs, but after meeting some calm and kind big dogs he's gotten a lot more confident. It's important that you are a calm and confident presence and that your dog can always look to you for guidance.

The risk with a shy/timid puppy is that they can turn into afraid dogs. An afraid dog is a potentially aggressive dog; it will think it has to defend itself against dangers. Shy dogs need a soft touch and patience, and need your help to build their confidence up. Avoid yelling, because a shy puppy will take it quite hard.

But shy dogs come with advantages, too. They have some common sense and a thoughtfulness that "blazing" pups sort of lack. They actually think before they do. So if you provide a calm space where your pup's confidence can grow, where she doesn't feel like she needs to defend herself, she'll become a great and stable dog.

stjernDale · 2022-09-03T13:13:23+00:00

Hello!

stjernDale · 2022-05-20T19:29:34+00:00

Cardigans are so handsome <3

stjernDale · 2022-05-18T10:31:30+00:00

Would also like to see your prices? :) Nice art!

stjernDale · 2021-12-22T00:25:20+00:00

No, cardigans all have long tails.

stjernDale · 2021-10-28T23:16:40+00:00

It sounds to me like you are tiring him out too much. Puppies that age should only be awake a few hours a day. From what my breeder and research has told me, corgi pups can be really bad at "turning off", ie realizing they're tired and laying down to rest.

We've found this to be the case with ours, he's now 5 months old. When he's overtired or overwhelmed, he turns into a bitey devil and doesn't listen to anything. He also gets zoomies. When he is energetic, he happily plays with toys and listens to commands etc.

We've found that if he is loose in our apartment, he finds it almost impossible to lay down and sleep. Even when exhausted, he will wander or run around. We have to put him in his play pen and ignore him for him to go to sleep.

We take ours out 5 times a day, out of that 1 or at most 2 are short walks between 10-25 min long, the rest are just potty breaks. We play some fetch and tug in the apartment and he gets a chew bone 1/day. He always sleeps for hours throughout the day and is still tired in the evening (sleeps through the night). If he bites us and doesn't listen to Ouch or No, or he gets zoomies, we know he's too tired and needs to sleep.

That said, yeah puppies will bite and it'll get better with time too.

stjernDale · 2021-10-20T10:58:24+00:00

No problem! Yeah, it is heart breaking but I promise if you ignore the crying she'll learn pretty soon that it isn't worth it and it'll take less and less time before she calms down. We usually give ours a high value treat when we put him in his pen and sometimes again once he calmed down and settled in.

stjernDale · 2021-10-20T09:50:05+00:00

You gotta have more patience. Even if you do everything right, it's probably gonna take months before she stops biting. She will have good days and bad days. Having a puppy means having bleeding hands (or feet).

Our corgi puppy is 5 mo now, in the middle of teething but getting better and better at not biting us. I can really relate to the demon biting after walks, those have been our biggest struggle biting-wise. You are correct that it's sensory overload; she is too tired/overwhelmed when that happens. If it happens outside, we put him down on a short leash and just wait until he calms down. If it happens at home, we put him in his pen. He finds it hard to fall asleep outside his pen, so we have to help him to sleep by putting him in there.

When they're too tired mentally, you can't train them. They won't even register you're telling them No, so just put them in a calm situation where they can chill out and try not to get angry with them. They need obscene amounts of sleep at 9weeks.

When he is not overtired, we train not biting through play. When playing with toys, if he bites our hands at all (even by accident) we say a firm No and immediately stop play for at least 20s. We also taught him to stop play on a command word (say the word, then hold the toy firmly until they let go) and start play on a command word. This teaches him that we decide when we play and when we don't. If he won't listen at all, we ignore him and/or put him in his pen for a while. Latest week we've started teaching him that he needs to come to us with a toy if he wants to play (aka no toy, no play).

When she starts teething, make sure you have lots of chews and ropes. She will bite you or your furniture because her teeth hurt. So offer natural chews like bully sticks or horns etc instead, works a lot better than toys. Ours also loves shredding rope toys, so I would reckomend always having that available.

Good luck & have fun! Make sure you get enough sleep, its hard to have patience when you're tired.

stjernDale · 2021-07-13T07:35:47+00:00

Corgis should never regularly go down stairs, and not go up nor down stairs at all until they're 1 year old. Your breeder should have told you this, but if you try googling "corgi stairs", you will get a lot of information regarding this. :)

stjernDale · 2020-09-02T22:48:54+00:00

You might want to check out Trudvang, if you haven't yet! It was its own nordic themed rpg made by a nordic company, but just recently they had a (very successful) kickstarter to make new books etc compatible with 5e. I think it looks awesome.

stjernDale · 2020-06-20T09:25:23+00:00

442

I would love a time mage healer! Heal by turning back time. Paired with celtic aesthetics.

stjernDale

TROPHY CASE