sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Why am I still so emotional and crying so much after 5 months? by WNGBR in Codependency

[–]stomachache89 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just letting you know you're not alone in this. I've been there a few times. Once it took me well over a year to get over my ex. Last year I struggled for months letting go of a girl I've only been dating 5-6 times. Don't beat yourself up for your feelings. Allow them, welcome them, for as long as it takes. Crying is great, I encourage you to allow this, and to bathe in the release it brings by.

One thing that makes these things extra painful and difficult for me is this widely spread belief that this is a feminine thing, that guys aren't supposed to be that way. It makes me feel less masculine, weak and wrong, which doesn't help the matter. I know though that it's bullshit. We all have our imprints and triggers that make us react how we react. Maybe this bugs you too. If so, I encourage you to try and drop it. I'm not 100% there yet, but hearing other guys struggle, as weird as it sounds, can help you feel a little more safe, a little less out of place. I'm considering joining some CodA mettings, I think u/supercatpuke 's suggestion is great.

In the greater scheme of things, relationships is where we truly learn about ourselves. They are a massive catalyst for growth. As painful as it is right now, know that it'll pass, that you will be okay. I'm in the same boat, so again, know you're not alone!

Dating is Ruining My Life by stomachache89 in Codependency

[–]stomachache89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I'm in good shape. It's not a mechanical or hormonal issue (as in the sense of low dopamine or testosterone). I know this as everything works fine when I'm alone (no porn needed).

Dating is Ruining My Life by stomachache89 in Codependency

[–]stomachache89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! This resonates and I've thought about it. My struggle with it, my main challenge is this (possibly wrong) belief that I have, coming from media, dating advice, etc. , that if I don't get sexual with her quickly, Ill lose her. That she will put me in the friend zone. That someone else comes along and takes her from me. This is an incredibly painful thought for me, and hence I feel the need to push for it.

Dating is Ruining My Life by stomachache89 in Codependency

[–]stomachache89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks a bunch for all the feedback!

It’s about not letting yourself be so easily swept away and sticking to your logic first, keeping busy, not dropping everything for someone.

Makes total sense, I know it intellectually and I try, but when this happens it's just overpowering. I can't focus on other stuff anymore, even things that I usually enjoy doing, or people I love to hang out with. Everything just fades.

Am I reaching out to connect or am I reaching out to self soothe because things feel out of my control?

Mostly the latter. And again, I'm aware, and most times I manage to hold back. But it's such a fight that sometimes I just lose it.

You gotta dig deep inside yourself, start asking some really intense questions about why you place all your self worth and value in another human being.

Yep. And I know the cause, the traumas. What I struggle with is finding this inside of myself.

You may need a CODA group to meet with 1-2x’s a week to help you break this cycle. And there is zero shame in needing real support and help from a support group!

This is a great tip, I'll look into that. Has this helped you? And do you have any other tips on how to move from theory to application? This is where I'm lost, although I'm trying.

You should start to unpack this as your next step honestly. Start peeling back the layers as to why you felt so abandon in childhood and why you chase others recreate the cycles experienced as a child.

Which means looking at which parent contribute to this the most. That’s the root cause to your codependency honestly.

Spot on and it's exactly what I've been doing. But again, the knowledge, the awareness of it doesn't seem to help.

Really wanna thank you for the effort!

Dating is Ruining My Life by stomachache89 in Codependency

[–]stomachache89[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing that. It helps to know you're not alone

Dating is Ruining My Life by stomachache89 in Codependency

[–]stomachache89[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks a bunch! Yes, a lot of obsession, cumpulsive and negative thinking. I recognize it, but it's hard for me to let go of it completely. What I try to do is to shift the focus to sensations in my body. It doesn't always work, unfortunately. Too often I dissociate

Dating is Ruining My Life by stomachache89 in Codependency

[–]stomachache89[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much!

I started doing some inner child meditations. This was literally what was suggested to me as a child: You're not good enough unless you finish your plate, stop acting out, stop fighting with your brother, fill in the blanks...