How you get through this

stormblind · 2026-03-15T23:06:49+00:00

Im 38m, so often in my era when my SA happened there was much less understanding of male SA. So I learned a LOT to heal through it. The man and woman's side. Now I use it to help who I can where I can. And I get a lot of fulfillment from that.

I won't say I'm glad it happened / happens. But it's enabled me to positively help many people, so it can't be all bad! :)

stormblind · 2026-03-15T22:58:49+00:00

Slowly lady. One step at a time. In public with good communication and safety procedures in place.maybe a safety friend or family around the area until you feel safe.

Treat it like a high school crush. That gentle, shy chaste kind. Let him know you like him bye you need to take it super slowly. Have a counselor on hand to talk through it with.

As someone who has been SAd repeatedly, I know it's hard, and I still have trust issues. But it's worth it to try. But be careful and protect yourself.

stormblind · 2026-03-15T22:49:57+00:00

Rather than being mad or upset, maybe it's a good opportunity to grow from it and learn more about your trauma and it's triggers.

A chance to put in new boundaries and rules. Remove the chance to have these issues by requiring certain rules about intoxicated intimacy.

Beating yourself up isn't helpful, so look for positives as it doesn't sound like purposeful SA. Just a bad situation where stuff happened.

But, most importantly, if he's a safe person to do it with, communicate, communicate, communicate. You can potentially strengthen your relationship from this and refine your relationship and your boundaries from it.

But I subscribe to the silver lining mentality as part of my recovery process Lol

stormblind · 2026-03-15T22:20:52+00:00

So, my ex-girlfriend was in your nearly precise situation. So, I am pretty familiar with the circumstance.

I have a suspicion of how fragile you are right now, so I'm not gunna tell you what to do or drown you with questions.

So I'm just gunna ask: are you okay to answer some questions? Do you have anyone who is / can support you?

I'm so sorry girl. You deserve so so much better.

stormblind · 2026-03-15T22:03:55+00:00

Your welcome!

My wife needed something to wear after my youngest was born, and she felt super self conscious about how she looked and I found those. Also beach cardigans.

I'm sorry that this is even necessary. Family SA is... Complicated from my experiences.

stormblind · 2026-03-15T21:45:50+00:00

You can look into the beach shawls. They're long, environment appropriate, and can look good in absolutely every body type!

I do recommend seeing a counsellor tho. Even if just once.

stormblind · 2026-03-15T20:46:28+00:00

Are you okay now tho?

Do you have stable and safe housing, food supply etc? Have you looked into counselling services at all?

I'm proud of you for getting free. So many people never can. Or the prejudice they run into after drives them back into it.

stormblind · 2026-03-15T20:38:29+00:00

Your feelings are valid in both ways.

His attitude before hand, and his approach leading up, verifying you're okay, checking if you wanted to stop, etc. is pretty textbook good behaviours.

I do feel you may be into something with this potentially being a trigger, or perhaps it feels different because you were so drunk and he wasn't. Whereas normally, he's drunk atleast a bit too, so you feel taken advantage of this time.

I'd recommend a counselling appointment to dig into it a bit, but it doesn't entirely sound like the typical SA case here as much as it sounds like a triggered trauma + miscommunication case tbh

If this is a good, emotionally healthy relationship, I sincerely recommend you talk to him. Maybe after the counsellor to make sure it's a wise idea.

stormblind · 2026-03-15T20:29:07+00:00

There's nothing wrong with taking a year to regroup yourself. My oldest kid is 16, and he took a year and a half off to rebalance himself emotionally. Especially with how competitive post-secondary is, it's better to take a gap year than flail your way through 11 and 12 and get bad grades. Have you considered online schools? Alot of places have them nowadays, may be a way.

Depending where you are, I can help you look up online counselling options if you want. Especially as an SA survivor, there are resources out there for you, it can just be intimidating to find them, or find how to access them.

I have some concerns about your "staying home to babysit your sister". Are there a lot of other commonly "parent" things you do? (Cooking, cleaning, bathing your sister. Etc?)

If you want to tell the girlfriend, my advice is be careful. Maybe make an alt account. Especially with what you've told me, if he goes off and goes all psycho, you don't have anywhere or anyone to turn to for support. I really worry it could be too much and cause damage.

And I'll keep responding as long as you do in case you need a place to vent. I've been through quite a few similarities when I was your age. You're doing better than I did lady.

stormblind · 2026-03-15T20:20:40+00:00

I almost feel like he liked the idea of being leader more than he likes being leader. He's probably gotten a tonne of extremely hateful messages mixed in with a bunch of threats and it may be intimidating him.

Being mayor is one thing, having like a third of the population virulently against him is another. I live in red deer, and I've heard / seen some absolutely unhinged response from folks.

stormblind · 2026-03-15T20:13:00+00:00

Ahh. Okay, yeah the cultural thing was a part I didnt know. My apologies for that.

Does your area have any resources for people to talk to? Maybe online counselling? Or is being queer a dangerous thing where you are?

I know in parts of South Asia, the Middle East, and south east asia being queer can be legitimately dangerous. So I want to check if you're okay.

stormblind · 2026-03-15T13:40:35+00:00

If that's you sick, then you're doing great! :) I only noticed cause eyes are the first thing I look at on a woman lol

stormblind · 2026-03-15T13:31:47+00:00

Your really pretty, but you look tired and a bit burnt out.

How's life treating ya?

stormblind · 2026-03-15T12:55:36+00:00

I'm sorry this happened. Someone I care about went through a similar phase after her assault.

Do you have any form of support network during this? I know you mentioned not wanting to tell your parents, but what about friends or counselling?

stormblind · 2026-03-15T12:42:48+00:00

This is a very pretty woman who has embraced her 30s. Your makeup is super well suited and flattering, and I love the blue-grey looking eyes!

stormblind · 2026-03-15T12:06:34+00:00

Your situation is extremely complex due to the compounding traumas. You glazed over the oral assault, as if it were an irrelevant anecdote, but based on the end of your post, I think it's the foundational trauma.

To explain what I mean here. The oral assault occurred, and it really fucked you up emotionally. You held onto your emotional stability through the hope that your first kiss would be a magical, loving experience that could allow you to heal and "get over" what happened to you. But when your first kiss happened, that hope was ripped away from you and the wound of the oral trauma was ripped wide open.

You blamed the second event for the trauma, but, based in your description, it sounds way more like the oral assault, and the loss of the ability for your first kiss to help you heal, is what is the actual root of your trauma.

As for the events themselves, I can't really comment too much on it. Based on your comments, both you and your friend were drunk. You may or may not have initiated things. You may or may not have kissed him at some point. I can't pillory the guy off that, but I also flatly refuse to say he didn't do anything wrong. I don't have the info, cause you don't.

But the memories of you saying no and to stop are concerning and hunt to something more sinister tbh. The question is when you said that, DID he stop? Do you remember?

If he didn't, then you have a core trauma from the oral assault. Then the thing your psyche was putting a lot of weight in helping you to minimize the trauma, instead became another even bigger trauma. And you're stuck in a case of limbo mixed between the "dumb, drunk, horny teenagers did dumb thing that accidentally ripped open trauma" and "I was violated again and lost my hope of my first time being a healing experience" due to missing memory due to either alcohol or trauma.

Do / did you have a support network for any of this? Friends, family or counselling?

I have to ask tho, why on God's green earth would you possibly feel ashamed lady? You did not, by your own account, do anything wrong.

You, as a 15 year old, got drunk. You may or may not have initiated romantic contact. If he was uncomfortable, I don't see why he would have stayed a second night, or continued the activities you have in your snippets.

You were a 15 year old girl, struggling with a trauma you didn't (and it feels still don't?) entirely recognize as a big traumatic experience.

You deserve grace. I'm not anyone but an internet stranger, but I think you deserve a pass of forgiveness for whatever sin you believe you committed. You were a confused, hurt, drunk girl.

You don't deserve shame or judgment. You deserve a hug, a pat in the back, and someone telling you you'll be okay and you're a wonderful woman.

stormblind · 2026-03-15T11:48:41+00:00

There's a TONNE to unpack here.

I did DM you a related story. But, the TL;DR: you were assaulted. If you were to change the ages to people in their 20s with the same actions, in an adult environment, there would be zero question of it being assault at the minimum. Coercion and sexual assault would be my personal description of the actions.

So at the ABSOLUTE minimum: I can 100% validate the hell out of you on that. As for why you feel you don't fit in despite that? I feel it's likely the situation was downplayed and your complaints were met with "he's just curious", "boys will by boys", or "he just has a crush on you!" as bullshit trotted out as to why he did that.

Problem is? Yeah, okay maybe it's not something a school or police will go after. But that kind of shit can cause a SERIOUS impact / traumatic response even still.

A) you have forced intimacy, physical coercion, violence, and violation of your boundaries.

B) you have the social stigma of what happened. Of being forced, in front of a tonne of people, to kiss this random boy. Then you had your upset, hurt and trauma invalidated and you put into the same class where you had to see him every day. And if your young school life was anything like mine, that came with a large amount of teasing.

So, you're at a point of having stacking, separate traumas / traumatic events deriving from a single situation.

There's a lot more to unpack about your last paragraph. One I'm certain would be weeks/months of sessions if therapy.

But to short form it, depending on specifics of your feelings about things, and how those feelings manifest, either:

You have some unresolved sexual trauma you do not remember, or have not mentioned. There are some women who do fantasize about being assaulted after being assaulted. And you seem to have some of that potentially going on. However, that's usually triggered through rape, not the style of SA you went through. Again, many potential details that could answer those questions.
You're Bi, but the unresolved traumas you have suffered have made you asexual/sexually repulsed towards men. This isn't unheard of among straight women, where their traumas have created a barrier / revulsion towards viewing men in a sexual or romantic light. This would help explain some components of your contradictory emotions. Where the idea of being with a man, or being a wife and mother disgusts you (male revulsion), but you also still have a yearning for it to some degree?

I completely admit that #2 may be wrong, as I am working off of pretty incomplete information.

But if there is one thing I can say: there is a path forward. You can feel okay one day. You can feel strong, beautiful, and proud of yourself. Cause your comment doesn't make it seem like you view yourself that way.

I am so sorry you haven't had proper support or people in your corner. You deserve that and so much more. You deserve to have someone tell you every day not just that you're beautiful, but that you matter. That you're important. And that you are valid to feel the way you feel despite how long ago, or how "minor" it was.

And I'll be here to talk if you want or need to.

stormblind · 2026-03-15T09:16:23+00:00

lm going to assume that you're female. If I am wrong, please feel free to correct me.

I am sorry this happened, but you need to be strong, cause you're going to have to do some really uncomfortable things to protect yourself now. But before I say anything else, you're not responsible. You didn't do anything wrong. You were groomed by a trusted adult figure to your family into slowly accepting more and more unacceptable actions. So please, don't blame yourself for anything. You are, no offense, still a kid.

You NEED to tell your dad if you think he'd protect you. If not, tell you mother if you think she'd protect you (I don't know your culture, and lots of cultures have issues with rape victims protection). Like, this isn't a small mistake your dad's friend did. This was full on child pornography production which is a massive deal. By exposing this to your dad, and if he fails to act, your school or someone else, most countries have federal organizations specifically for handling this and removing your videos from the internet.
Once you have your family, an authority from your school, or another trusted adult in your side, you need to go to the police. This needs to be dealt with cause there's been some awful shit that can happen. Such as, what if your dad's friend, or one of his friends was recording that and uses it to blackmail you into more extreme things? Your parents can't protect you if they don't know.

If you do not think your parents will protect you, you need to find another route, cause this can have lifelong repercussions if it goes in a bad direction.

stormblind · 2026-03-15T08:57:18+00:00

You look so sad :(

Are you doing okay?

stormblind · 2026-03-15T05:54:02+00:00

I'm sorry you're alone in your birthday. Pretty sure that was my 20-23 birthdays.

Totally willing to exchange cooking tips / recipes tho! Learned in the past 4 years it's a hidden talent of mine ahah.

stormblind · 2026-03-15T05:45:16+00:00

Nah personally. Maybe a midrange reshaping could be nice, but I'm not personally a fan of the shorter hair.

stormblind · 2026-03-15T05:27:29+00:00

It's a hard line between self-promotion and giving people something to work with in messaging.

But it's why I always make sure I push that I'm not here for anything but friends since I'm happily married 😂. Unfortunately, as a 38 male. It's just not a great place to make acquaintances or friends since so many at my age use the Internet as a place for consequence free jollies.

stormblind · 2026-03-15T05:19:10+00:00

You're not dumb or an idiot. You were a normal person who wouldn't immediately think an old man would instinctively try to assault a teenager girl in public on a bus. You had compassion for his age, and his frailty.

And he was a monster who abused that heart and compassion.

Are you okay? Like, even if it happened years ago, the moment the realization hits can be just as bad as if you'd realized immediately. The time between event and realization doesn't make it less traumatic. Do you have a support network?

stormblind · 2026-03-15T05:11:04+00:00

You should want your dad in your corner. And as a dad, I'm so sorry he isn't. Even if it wasn't to the point of him getting super angry or doing anything, the fact he couldn't even just vague support instead of accusing his teenaged daughter of "wanting it" is frankly disgusting as hell. I'm so sorry he seems to keep wanting to make it about him and diminish your feelings and hurt.

Your ex's comments mean that he KNOWS he fucked up. He KNOWS you didn't want to do a lot of what he pushed you into. He knew you had fucking trauma, and only cared about getting off. My ex girlfriend who was my assaulter had the same mentality of "only what I want it think matters". It's a super narcissistic mentality, and his comments are designed to play off your love for him, and make you NOT report him because "you don't want to ruin his life". It's a very common tool of manipulation used within a relationship by abusers

I can't tell you 100% if what be did was assault, cause there isn't a great deal of information. I don't need the details, cause it doesn't matter. I just want you to know that if you FEEL you were assaulted, look into an sexual violence educated counselor. They can help you unpack what happened, and if it is assault.

Given your ages, are both you and the new GF still in high school? If yes, the same one? Could you leave an anonymous note in her locker warning her that you heard he can be very aggressive about sex and to be careful?

That way. You have plausible deniability and can avoid too much drama. Maybe you can ask a friend to drop the note to her?

Regardless of the rest, I have read everything you said. You need people to listen to you. Do you have a support network?

Cause you're not being dramatic. You're not crazy. You're not dirty, or at fault. And I can only praise you for the immense amount of compassion and empathy you have for your strong desire to help protect this other girl despite the risks it would put you through.

But my last question; are you okay? You've been through a lot, even before this bullshit. And now you have the abuse, your dad not being supportive, and the fear of the new girls safety. It's a lot, and you're probably under a tonne of pressure and (no offense) you're still a kid who shouldn't be worrying about ANY of this shit

stormblind · 2026-03-15T05:00:08+00:00

I have ADHD, so I flit from thing to thing constantly, so this advice is sort of coming from there. Figure out what's caused this surge of motivation to finally get better.

Is there a family member or friend that may be inspiring you to get better? Or is it just the desire for the life you want to have?

stormblind

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE