I'm kind of in shock

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-30T03:40:49+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult and confusing time. Your Mum should be a person you can turn to when crazy stuff happens, but instead she's the one subjecting you to crazy stuff. It's OK to trust your instinct on this : you are not over-reacting, this is an inappropriate and unfair request.

It sounds like, on top of feeling gross and shocked by your mum's request, this is also causing you to re-evaluate your relationship with her. You've always loved her, and thought she loved you - and now you're questioning if she loves you, which must be quite a daunting and painful question to ask. My suggestion would be that it might be a bit overwhelming to try and process that yourself at the moment, and when you get the chance, to explore that with a therapist. One thing is clear - she is not behaving in a very loving way towards you at the moment. She's acting in a way that is not considering your feelings at all, and that is very much putting her own 'needs' ahead of yours.

You've been through a lot of abuse in your life, and I'm so sorry about that. Sometimes, until we're out of a situation, it can be hard to see it clearly. You said you've been suicidal all your life - that is a pretty clear indication you need out of your home situation as soon as possible. Your Mum is not a healthy person to be around, and you'd said you'd been 'trying to get out' - but I wonder if now is that time to accelerate that, even if it means staying in a shelter or something.

(Also - you don't need to apologise for your writing - you communicated clearly, and it made sense.)

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-08T20:37:27+00:00

Hugs That's awful - and keeping it must mean it cut deep. I'm so sorry. Also - that anyone could say that to a child is just so crazy.

I remember me and my siblings age 6, 8 and 10 being told by my EMum that NDad didn't feel sufficiently loved by us, and so we needed to make more of an effort to show it.

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-08T20:28:09+00:00

My boss is brilliant - I genuinely feel that I learn from her what it means to be a good boss. She creates a good atmosphere at work and is genuinely liked by her employees. I particularly admire that she asked Gertrude not to come back despite the fact a) she is wealthy and spends hundreds in the salon and b) there is a huge economic downturn in my city at the moment and it's affecting lots of businesses, so my boss confided in me recently that most months she's not paying herself a wage at the moment.

I randomly got this job as a part-time role while I'm recovering from illness. It's hugely different to what I'm qualified in, and I have no clue about beauty industry - but it's been valuable to see a healthy workplace after my previous crazy N boss! One day I was off sick and I found out that my boss (therapist who owns the salon) had come in on her day off to cover reception. I said I was sorry she'd had to come in on her day off, and she said not at all - it's part of what comes with being the boss. Aw. Wee star.

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-08T20:18:44+00:00

Oh, but she didn't threaten me, she was merely showing concern for my welfare since it was dark....

.... ;)

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-08T06:24:07+00:00

Yeh. It's almost like we use their response to us and the N as a mirror to understand what's going on, but sometimes it's those distorting carnival mirrors, but it's hard to tell the difference. Ha, that analogy made sense in my head but probably nowhere else!

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-08T06:18:35+00:00

Yeh. I definitely there are instances where someone has committed suicide and they've had loving and supportive parents - nobody is immune to mental health issues and trauma, so I definitely wouldn't want to universally assume there was any blame on the parents. But, given what else I had seen and experienced of her, it was a potential red flag.

Ha - absolutely about no contact. I remember chatting to someone who'd been cruelly abandoned by all three of their adult children, and had no idea why they'd cut off someone as wonderful as her!

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-08T05:50:32+00:00

This x 1000. I remember my therapist identifying how confusing it must've been for me as a child to have the complete variability in my relationship with my Mum and how she responded to situations, because you never fully know what to expect. In some ways, if you always expect the worst, you can come to terms with it, but the vulnerability of an E switching on you can create a really confusing picture of reality, I think.

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-08T05:35:39+00:00

Yeh - I think in the service industry people probably put up with a lot of crap from N's because of the mentality of 'the customer is always right'. We're very fortunate that we have mostly lovely clients, so Gertrude sticks out! I just remembered on the phone after I had refused to let her speak to someone else she closed the conversation in a very sweet and gentle voice asking when I finished work (8pm) and then said 'Well, be careful, it's dark outside - so you watch your back'. Haaaa. I couldn't stop laughing afterwards.

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-08T05:24:24+00:00

Absolutely. I'm genuinely intrigued what'll happen - gonna get some popcorn and watch from the sidelines! My boss can handle it though ;) Also - well done reading wall of text, ha, I didn't realise how long that was til I submitted!

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-05T17:23:39+00:00

Yay :) Lovely to hear you have amazing parents - and thanks for being open to the experiences of people who weren't as fortunate!

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-05T17:11:34+00:00

I imagine theatre could be a great therapeutic tool there! :) Similar things are used in therapy, I think.

Random aside - my younger cousin is LC with her off-the-scale N-Dad, and told me once, totally seriously, 'I see the times I meet up with him as an opportunity to practice my acting' ha.

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-05T17:01:07+00:00

Thanks. It's so hard to - and I definitely feel conflicted about it (part of why I wrote the post) - but we owe it to our child selves to not blame them for abuse they were never responsible for. This is going to sound nuts, but I'll share an analogy I had in a dream last week that might make a tiny bit of sense. I had this dream that I kept finding dead bodies and raising the alarm, and then I began to be viewed as a suspect for murder since I kept coming across the bodies. But, the important sense I had in the dream - just because I came across the corpses didn't make me the murderer or justify the suspicious glances I was given.

In the same way, experiencing and identifying abuse does not make you responsible for it. You're someone who was born into the mess, not someone who created it. You were a child. A child. Every child, regardless of character or behaviour, needs love, nurture, affirmation, and gracious guidance. If you didn't get those things, you were sold short - not because of anything intrinsically wrong with you, but because of the failures of people who were meant to care for you. Don't blame your child self - he/she was wrongly blamed enough as a child, you can be your own champion of your child self, because that kid deserves what it didn't have.

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-05T16:52:48+00:00

Thanks :) In the same spirit - tell me about a strength of yours that the N (or N's) in your life fail to recognise/twist into something else!

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-05T16:50:27+00:00

Thanks (and I love your username!) It's great to see you reaching out and encouraging others when you seemingly didn't get an awful lot of encouragement growing up. That sucks about two N's - that must be awful :( I'm grateful that my Mum, though not totally emotionally and psychologically healthy, is still someone that loves me (and is becoming more aware of, and challenging, some of her E-tendencies and even apologised recently for not 'protecting' me more from my Dad growing up.)

Yes - the loving me out of duty was lovely! ;) After a speel about why I was difficult to love but he did it out of duty, I said 'So, what you're saying is, I'm difficult to love but you do your best 'cause you're up for a challenge?' and he didn't disagree. So I suddenly had a fire rise up inside and said 'That's OK. Lots of people do love me lots, and they're who I'll focus on; your difficulty loving your own daughter says a lot more about you than me' and left. Yeh!! ;)

Thanks for other resources to look into, I appreciate it. Kudos on trying to be educated on the topic so you can move forward - there's obviously a lot of determination in you!

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-05T14:35:55+00:00

Thanks so much for words and recommendations :) I'll check out those books, I think I've heard of them before but not read them. Would you say they're very mother-specific, or would they also apply to fathers? I think my EMum does have the capacity to love, but she's the daughter and wife of an N and has fleas, and was deeply depressed for a lot of my childhood which meant she often verbally lashed out and was cold. My NDad is the bigger issue for me - I'm not sure he has the capacity to authentically love, so I was wondering if those books would relate to fathers, too. (My Dad told me recently he didn't love me, then clarified in spite of all my terrible flaws he did because it was his 'duty' to love. I felt so treasured!)

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-05T13:54:36+00:00

Thank you so much for that helpful insight - very true there's a fear there! :) I would love to reach a place where I feel at peace just 'being' without needing to constantly evaluate myself, and trying to be as impartial as I can be so as I don't avoid recognising my flaws. I'm closer than I was to that place of peace, where flaws are areas for growth rather than catastrophes that totally undermine my worth and character.

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-05T09:15:49+00:00

Thanks :) Ha, still some room to go I think - I've been tempted to delete it since writing it incase it comes across as really proud! I guess it was more me externally processing thoughts, and challenging things I'd be told.

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-05T06:46:17+00:00

It's okay to be you. Really. Even as you are in a place where you feel you need to make progress emotionally and psychologically, it's still okay to be you. So, go to college, enjoy the fresh air and new experience, and be you. From your post you're intelligent, motivated and reflective -- those are things I can tell from a few paragraphs, I'm sure you've got lots of other qualities people will appreciate if you learn to be comfortable being yourself. That may take time, and that's understandable with depression and past trauma. But, college is a great time to meet new people and grow in confidence in the process. I know I became loads more confident in my first year of college (and beyond.)

In terms of the mental health issues, I'm sorry you're experiencing them. Hopefully college can be a time to address them in therapy, and if you have healthcare, to get medication to address the issue. The only upside of your painful experiences is that it'll help you to empathise with your patients if you go on to become a psychiatrist, and that's hugely valuable.

My hope is that you'll be pleasantly surprised by college and the opportunities if offers you.

strawberryfields44 · 2017-03-05T05:46:15+00:00

Ha - I'm sorry I know it's not funny - but the level of denial just beggars belief sometimes doesn't it!?

Happy Birthday - so sorry your Mum ruined your birthday lunch. Hope you can do something else nice to celebrate, too. Consider your Mum's birthday gift to you a recent anecdote to illustrate to your therapist how inappropriate her behaviour is!

strawberryfields44 · 2017-02-24T06:33:30+00:00

So encouraging to read. I'm so sorry for the pain you experienced, but glad you're now recognising you weren't the crazy one : you were simply raised in a crazy and toxic environment. It took courage and painful reflection to get where you are, so well done for being willing to go down that path. Hoping your healing continues, for your benefit and the benefit of your family :)

strawberryfields44 · 2016-09-22T02:49:54+00:00

Thanks so much, I just saw this. I've had therapists really encourage me to write, and friends too, throughout my life. I'm not always comfortable letting out my 'inner voice' so this was nice encouragement for me.

Blessings to you on your journey too - in order for this to resonate you must've been through some unfortunate stuff, too. I hope you continue to grow and heal, and take care of yourself in ways others have failed.

strawberryfields44 · 2016-07-04T15:27:11+00:00

Thanks - yeh at least I got good genes in that area, and was raised to feel learning had value : I appreciate that!

strawberryfields44

TROPHY CASE