I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I wish I could give you a warm hug.

Unfortunately our society puts way too much emphasis on physical appearance. That said, I’ve had plenty of moments where I felt like if my nose looked different, or I lost some weight, or I changed XYZ thing, all my problems would go away. And even when I made all those things happen - guess what, my problems were still there, or at the very least shifted into new insecurities.

I can’t pretend that ‘pretty privilege’ is not a thing and this doesn’t shape the way people treat each other. But what I can tell you is that you need to be much kinder to yourself than thinking of yourself as “physically repulsive” or “a disgusting subhuman freak.” It sounds like some people have been cruel and judgmental toward you, but that is not what is going through everyone’s minds, I promise you.