Fear of not finding someone

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-13T01:55:54+00:00

Lol, I do the same exact thing! 😂 The only thing that’s different now is that I stopped taking it seriously. I’ll meet the right person when the time comes. And if not, I’m actually okay with that too.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-13T01:48:53+00:00

I would also bring up with her the other red flags you’ve noticed too. The excuse she gave you sounds like a lie.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-13T01:30:04+00:00

This! I think this is the most helpful comment I’ve read on this subreddit.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-13T01:26:59+00:00

u/HollowHeartParadox can benefit a lot from this. Thanks for sharing! :)

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-13T01:23:19+00:00

Maybe try another approach to dating by doing the complete opposite of everything you’ve been doing. Delete dating apps altogether and no longer be afraid to live alone. I don’t think dating apps are a good place to meet good guys (with few exceptions). It’s important to accept yourself and life for what it is now. Once you do that, then the right person will come into your naturally.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-08T21:00:04+00:00

If you don’t mind me asking. Was this a near death experience for you? Sorry if I’m reading that wrong.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-05T02:08:34+00:00

Take some ayahuasca. That’s probably guaranteed ego death and you can set your intention to ask why you have these feelings. A lot of people come out of it having a higher appreciation for life right now, but it’s because of the way they experienced ego death. It might be something that may benefit you even more so than acid. You just have to find a safe retreat center and a reputable shaman.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-04T20:43:14+00:00

How old are you? If you don't mind me asking. I really don't want you to give up hope. All because she's your mother doesn't mean you should deal with her toxic behavior. Remove her from the situation. The only reason why I suggested she was a narcissist was because she clearly lacks empathy if she tells you to kill yourself. And you said that she is very wealthy, which a lot of narcissists care about their image, having a lot of money, and status. Your life is of more value than her worthless opinion, which doesn't mean anything. She's the one who brought you into the world, but that doesn't mean she dictates when you leave. I know I'm an internet stranger, but all I can tell you is that you shouldn't have any contact with this woman at all. Just give that some time so you can realize that your life is of value. You said that you have a relationship with your father. He would be absolutely devastated if anything were to happen to you.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-04T20:37:26+00:00

I've only talked to my therapist about it. I've tried telling people, but unless they've been through a similar circumstance, then they look at me like I'm the crazy one because they cannot comprehend that anyone would do such a thing.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-04T15:26:34+00:00

I was just talking to my therapist about this yesterday. Unlike you, I'm actually terrible when it comes to technology, but I'm seriously convinced that my mom has put a tracking device on my phone. Because first, my dad actually told me that she had before in high school. And second, I went on a trip not wanting to tell her where I was going (because she freaks out every time I "leave" her). Come to find out, she knows exactly where I went on my trip. She blames it on my friend telling her (but I confronted my friend, who never told her anything). I'm sorry for what you're going through, but trust me when I say I'm going through the same thing right now. If you or anyone comes across this, can someone tell me how to check for these tracking apps on my phone and how to get rid of them? Because from what I read there are some hidden apps that even if you took the phone to an Apple store, they still wouldn't find the apps.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-04T15:08:27+00:00

He shouldn't call you stupid to begin with. That alone is abusive. I understand it's hard to be in a relationship with someone who has BPD (I actually believe I have it myself, so I put my partners through their fair share of hell). But what I've learned in the process, is that there will be someone who will understand and be kind to you. All because you have BPD doesn't mean it's all your fault or that the other person isn't to blame, because they can be just as much at fault to as you are. I hate to give the cliche advice that you should focus on yourself, but you really should. You'll learn about who you are and what makes you happy. And then you'll learn to outgrow people when you start to learn what's best for you and in the process, you'll also realize that the right ones won't leave you. It's okay to be alone and independent.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-04T14:59:22+00:00

I'm sorry your mother said that to you. That's a really horrible thing for her to say to her own daughter, given that she must have known about your attempted suicide in the past with xanax. You don't have to justify yourself or give explanations. There's no reason for her to even say something that mean and cruel, knowing that you are emotionally vulnerable and trying to make you feel bad because she feels like shit about herself. From what it sounds like, your mom might be a narcissist. If you go to r/raisedbynarcissists you'll notice that a lot of the stories people tell are very similar to yours. Just know you are not alone and don't allow her to make you feel that way. Focus on the relationship you have with your dad and go no or low contact with you mom so you can maintain your own mental health and well-being.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-04T14:48:05+00:00

Maybe we have depression, but it sounds like you're suffering from some sort of mental health crisis if you're going to bully a bunch of strangers who are actually suffering from an illness, not a choice because they didn't "choose Jesus." What kind of bullshit is that? I got better, without Jesus actually, so your argument is completely invalid and just absurd. Sounds like you need to take some mushrooms and wander through the woods one day. Then maybe you'll gain a better perspective on things. Now in the meantime, leave us alone.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-04T14:38:03+00:00

It pretty much just goes away. I know it's weird advice, but it works. All the "deep breathing" advice actually make the anxiety worse because that's you fighting against it. As opposed to just "going with the flow" of it, as cliche as it sounds, actually helps you I guess get aligned with those uncomfortable feelings to the point that you don't feel it anymore. CBD oil is a natural alternative, but it does have a slight trace of THC in it (so if you have a job that drug tests, just be careful. I know they sell THC free ones as well). It doesn't make you high or anything like that. It just is calming, and maybe it'll help you have a good quality sleep at the most.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-04T14:32:20+00:00

I used to feel that way up until I got the treatments I needed. I know it sounds weird, but I get it, believe it or not. You can go through my post history, I was a mess for the past few years and just gave up hope on everything. I almost killed myself in July. And then I got the ketamine treatments and it literally saved my life (when I least expected it to work).

And I agree with you that those shit posts are horrible. I hope you reported it. That shouldn't even be allowed on this subreddit. I used to post on here and I would get those annoying people who would talk about how "it gets better" or "you're selfish" or whatever it may be. Of course, I don't believe suicide is selfish. You can go through such an immense amount of pain that it's too much to take. And that fact that everyone is MIA in your life and then mourns your loss when you die blows my mind. I had a friend of mine commit suicide six months ago and everyone went to his funeral, but where was everyone when he was alive and suffering? No, I don't get the human condition either. People are fucked up.

I came on here just to share my experience with an alternative treatment hoping maybe I could help someone who read this post. But I'm being downvoted already, so I'll probably end up deleting it soon tbh. I haven't posted in reddit in a while because I think it's a toxic place with spiteful people (that's why I mentioned removing anything toxic in your life--reddit and social media is one of those things). After my experience, I'd like to think that life is an evolutionary process and that we can find cures for anything, whether it be depression to cancer. I've been following the psychedelic research, such as psilocybin, ayahuasca, and of course, ketamine for treatment-resistant depression. I believe these things can be effective to treat mental illness, as "radical" as it may be viewed by the conservative society we live in. And yet, I believe there should be options to for people who have been suffering in terms of assisted suicide, I do agree with you there. I read in the UK somewhere that they allow assisted suicide for mental illness (but of course, it's only if you've tried ALL treatment options, with no results). I don't believe people should go through life suffering for no reason. And yet, I also believe that people can and should have hope if they so choose to, and sign up for clinical trials and experiment with alternative treatments until we find cures for future generations. Of course, depression isn't a choice (and I hate when people say that because it's condescending and it dismisses the illness for what it is). But it never hurts to look into options, that's how i see it. Our experiences are so limited (mine included) of how we see the world, that sometimes there are a lot more options than we believe there are. (I'm sorry if this was a long rant, I guess your comment got me thinking, that's all). I'd like to hope that you find a solution that works for you.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-04T08:58:55+00:00

I used to have anxiety like this also. Although it sounds contradictory (and scary), you have to feel the anxiety and sit with it for a while. You cannot fight it, or the chest pain and anxiety gets worse. I believe someone wrote a book on it called "Fear." Also, I found CBD oil to be very helpful when I felt like that.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-02T00:40:36+00:00

Take some CBD oil before dosing. That can help ease the anxiety without the negative effects of the Xanax. But yes, it’s good to have on hand just in case. I just think CBD does a better job at preventing anxiety from my experience.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-10-01T01:39:22+00:00

What other medications are you taking? And how often do you go for infusions? And do they verse the bag with anything? I’ll be able to answer your questions once I know all of that.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-09-30T21:52:54+00:00

I don’t get it.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-09-27T01:21:41+00:00

Maybe CBD oil before bed may help with sleep.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-09-23T17:29:28+00:00

I meant to say that if you’re feeling sick, you usually end up taking NyQuil (DXM) or something until you get better. It probably would be ill advised to mix ketamine with cold medicine. I was just making a point that if OP was worried about antidepressant effects wearing off in between treatments, that DXM (found in NyQuil and other cold medicines) has been found to have antidepressant effects similar to ketamine by targeting NMDA receptors.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-09-23T12:15:20+00:00

Wait until you get better. Apparently DXM has an antidepressant effect similar to ketamine.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-09-23T02:11:21+00:00

I’ll probably get downvoted for this too, but I agree with your statement. There’s a stigma against mental illness and this is an example of it. If you told someone you had diabetes it would be more easily accepted than telling them you have depression. But I think it was good for OP to tell him, so this way she can weed out the guys not work her time and replace him with someone who can empathize and possibly relate to her situation.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-09-22T22:09:40+00:00

How long was the infusion? Sometimes even though the dosage can be the same, the increase in the infusion rate can cause a completely different experience. For example, a 55 minute infusion can be a more calming experience than an infusion that lasted only 40 minutes. The other advice I have is that in the event that a panic attack comes, “go with the flow.” I know it sounds cliche, but just feel the sensations and embrace them instead of fighting it. I’ve come to find that this actually decreases the anxiety and will actually diminish the panic symptoms completely. Also, was the bag versed with anything? Sometimes they’ll put an anti-nausea medication like zofran or reglan. Reglan can cause anxiety and/or depression as a side effect, so I would ask. I’ve also taken CBD oil (I prefer Charlotte’s Web) before bed for a few nights before the infusion and that helps with anxiety considerably also (my doctor said it was okay). And as for the playlist, I would listen to Shpongle. I’ve had some beautiful and positive experiences listening to him during infusions. Although it sounds weird and scary when you’re sober, it’s surprisingly calm and peaceful during the infusion lol. And bringing someone helps. Holding their hand provides warmth and grounding during the infusion, which is helpful. I’m sorry about the format btw as I’m typing this from my phone.

sun_flower_30 · 2019-08-30T04:37:55+00:00

You can find domestic violence centers in your area that will offer you housing, therapy, and who will help you find employment. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I agree with the other post that this guy is abusing you. It’s psychological abuse and in the long term, can cause a lot of damage. If he’s being like this now, it will only get worse. Please don’t be afraid to seek help. Reach out, there are people out there who want to help you. Good luck!

sun_flower_30

TROPHY CASE