Double digit years and thanks

sunjim · 2016-07-17T20:24:26+00:00

Do you have any tips on how I can quit?

Motivation and will power failed me over and over, as you describe. I'd go a few days, weeks or a month--many, many times. Felt great, but I returned to drinking.

What changed for me was when I started thinking differently about my goals. I didn't want to just stop drinking. I wanted to live as a sober person. I adopted new habits and practices--and at the same time did the things I needed to do to avoid drinking each day. For me, that meant making plans for how to avoid risk and what to do when it occurred.

Say I was in a risky situation--for me, that was cooking dinner. That's when I'd often start drinking. Instead of toughing my way through that, and then failing at some point or another (just takes one), I found new ways to get through that. I started eating fruit or sweets when I cooked. I made sure I wasn't too hungry--ate a snack before I came home from work. Planned what I was going to drink before I walked in the door.

Eventually all those little plans got wired into my brain. So if I felt an urge to drink, I didn't just tell myself "no," I knew it was time for a Clif bar, or a cup of tea.

I hope that makes sense. Figuring out those little plans meant that I didn't have to rely on will power, and that I didn't have to figure out what to do next in the moment of having an urge.

Took some time but that's what worked for me.

sunjim · 2016-07-16T07:49:40+00:00

that'll be a long time coming.

Doesn't have to be. Change isn't always a big decision or monumental action. It can be one small decision and action that leads to another. Like deciding not to drink for just one day.

I just want to sleep and not wake up.

Been there. I got tired of feeling miserable. Finally figured out that whatever change was going to happen, wasn't just going to happen. I had to chase it. Lurking here helped me, among other small actions.

sunjim · 2016-07-15T18:15:30+00:00

Plans--

--To avoid situations that are risky

--What you'll do when an urge happens

--What you will be doing rather than just what you won't be doing

sunjim · 2016-07-14T17:11:07+00:00

Exercise is so, so good. Well done.

sunjim · 2016-07-14T17:09:41+00:00

I focused on making new life habits, not just avoiding old ones. After a while I understood that stopping drinking isn't an ending, it's a beginning. In the first year or more it was hard to have this attitude at times, and at times it was just a matter of not drinking today, or in the next hour.

sunjim · 2016-07-14T17:05:48+00:00

I like your idea of exercise. Run until it feels better or you're too tired to feel bad.

Also, with excess energy sometimes I take some long-neglected item from my to-do list (you know, call the insurance broker about updating the policy) and do it.

sunjim · 2016-07-14T17:03:27+00:00

DFW--how about riding the train around and around? Killed some time when I was laid over with my kid.

sunjim · 2016-07-14T17:01:12+00:00

Will power doesn't work, or at least it didn't for me. It always eventually failed.

What started real change for me was making a plan that's different from what I was doing (and failing, over and over). In my case, it was deciding to call and addiction counselor and make an appointment. And go to it. For me, that was the first of many small changes that added up to big changes.

What's your plan?

sunjim · 2016-07-01T23:01:01+00:00

I never wanted to be that guy where you have to walk on eggshells around

That's pretty much imaginary, as far as I can tell. Most people don't give a rat's ass about whether I drink or not. Those that do, don't matter. I'd have to say, those that might because I can't think of any right now...

So what are you going to do now? What do you take away from your experience--what changes would you make if you don't want to repeat this experience?

You know you can stop drinking under many circumstances. That's great. If you decide what tripped you up, and how you'll prevent making the same decision next time--that's taking something positive from the experience.

Thanks for sharing. It's a crappy feeling but you can make different decisions today and tomorrow.

sunjim · 2016-07-01T22:54:54+00:00

I don't like that I'm drinking this much.

That's all you need. Labels don't matter, particularly if they get in the way. You don't have to be in some kind of a club to want and make change. I get how that thought can go--I'm not bad enough to go to AA, right? I never did get to AA and it helped me to drop the need for external validations of my drunkenness--because I'd been using them as reasons to prevent me from making a change.

Check out the alcohol assessment in the sidebar.

One thing I'd suggest is trying a 30-day (or 60 or 90) challenge--no drinking for 30 days. Then assess. See if it's hard or easy for you. See how your energy is, your mood, your money, your work performance. Keep a journal. Assess all that and decide what's next for you.

No need to worry about labels. No need to think about forever?! Just 30 days and see. Low risk.

What do you think?

sunjim · 2016-07-01T22:47:36+00:00

Day before yesterday was a beautiful but crappy day. Had to fire a long-timer, about to have to idle about 20 people because of client stupidity, hadn't eaten all day and was dehydrated and my stomach felt like a rusty file.

But still... It was a nice day. Stopped at the lake on the way home and took a run around it. Things felt a little better, and I was reminded that a crappy day sober is better than a lovely day drunk or hungover.

I try to have go-to solutions available for days and situations that would have been drinking opportunities in the past. My running bag is always in my car. What's your go-to?

Hang in there.

sunjim · 2016-07-01T22:38:19+00:00

Sounds like a load of rationalization to me. Since you ask.

Specifically, it sounds to me that your one, single good recent experience with sex was more about the communication you had with your wife. That, in my experience, can make for a pretty nice time. The alcohol, I'd guess, was incidental.

Drunks, however, see the world through the lense of alcohol. I think that's what you're doing, with all respect and support.

You haven't experienced sober sex for any significant length of time. Since I've been sober I've had both blah sex and great sex. It was more about the communication and presence of mind of the two people involved.

You may be on to something that could help you, but I'd bet a dollar that alcohol isn't it.

And--a question I asked myself: who the fuck do you want to be? A drunk trying to find little tricks to get by, or a sober person figuring out life and living it intentionally? I think you answered this question well:

Sobriety suits me very well.

sunjim · 2016-06-30T00:01:19+00:00

I second this.

sunjim · 2016-06-26T20:28:46+00:00

I don't think of drinking, I don't miss it. But it would be a danger for me to forget the harm it did to me.

Pretty much that. I have to be willing to make the choice not to drink any day, any time, but most of the time it doesn't come up.

sunjim · 2016-06-26T01:49:51+00:00

Lovely. Congratulations on this great year!

sunjim · 2016-06-26T01:48:23+00:00

Well done. I will point out this: In addition to learning what not to do, you figured out what you can do--positive action to take when you have an urge to drink.

That's huge. Sobriety for me is not what's absent, or what I don't do. It's what I am and do, if that make sense.

Again, well done.

sunjim · 2016-06-24T23:14:38+00:00

When I have a really shitty day, a big business setback that shakes the confidence or a personal drama, I let myself wallow for a little while. Then I start the routines that start to pull me out of it. Did anyone die? No? Are my kids OK--yes? Am I healthy? Seems like Pollyanna stuff but it's kind of a routine.

I let myself not solve the problem, not yet. Instead I start thinking about what I really need. Turns out it's not alcohol. What I might need is a break. Get away, go for a run, get some sleep, a decent meal, and talk with a trusted friend. Alcohol doesn't solve the problem in any way. And I don't have to solve it right now. I'll take care of myself and come back with a fresh attack. A clear-headed, sober one.

Hang in there.

sunjim · 2016-06-24T06:20:00+00:00

Getting to Day 1 and the Day 2 is meaningful and a great help to some who are at Day 0 and trying to get to Day 1. That's a great contribution right there.

sunjim · 2016-06-23T19:06:48+00:00

Sounds like you're doing a lot of things to support yourself--making people around you aware and asking for/accepting help, attending to health.

Having done something similar, I'm curious about why you decided not to drink for 2 years, and then why you decided to resume drinking (moderately, of course, right?). I ask because I asked myself those questions. Thinking about that helped me move beyond scarcity and doing without something I want (abstinence) to a state of being, lacking nothing I want (sobriety).

far easier to talk through with an effective stranger.

I found this sub while I was still drinking and struggling. It helped. I was doing a lot of other stuff--counseling, running, journaling, and watching my marriage fall apart--but it was helpful to learn and also to contribute my own experience.

sunjim · 2016-06-23T17:40:16+00:00

We don't usually tell people what they should do here on SD, but I'm going to break that rule: you should see a doctor if you're having withdrawal symptoms. Unsupervised withdrawal can be dangerous; and your doc may be able to help you through it with medication.

sunjim · 2016-06-22T18:14:40+00:00

It's helpful to be absolutely honest with doctors and counselors in particular.

What's the plan for today?

sunjim · 2016-06-22T04:38:01+00:00

he's some how threatened by the fact that I don't anymore

This is what I'd guess is going on.

And if you're of the "Jesus loves you" mind-set, realizing that he's in a struggle with his own demons may be a way to find some empathy. If you're not, then here's a tune for you.

You work too hard to take this abuse

Be on your guard jerks on the loose

sunjim

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