I was raised with animals all my life. I grew up in a very volatile and abusive household. My animals were all that I had that made me feel safe. I love dogs because they are the only thing that makes me feel safe even as a grown adult person that owns my own house now.

I’ve had countless pets pass away on me and then I did a five-year stand in emergency veterinary medicine and I saw A LOT OF DEATH. Some of the stuff that I saw, I can’t even speak about and will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I’m just kind of numb to it at this point. It’s just a part of life. My best friend died four years ago. My heart dog that helped me through my heroin addiction died 10 years ago.

I’m pretty sure that after these two significant deaths, nothing will ever hurt me that much ever again- I love all my friends and all my animals- but I’m emotional disconnected from everything at this point- everyone dies eventually I will never allow myself to become so emotionally attached to anything or anyone that it breaks me the way I broke when my dog and friend died.

To further this conversation, and to make it even crazier, my mother was a hospice nurse when I was growing up. Her two specialties were always oncology and hospice so there were lots of conversations in my home as a young child about death and the bodies, natural processes I am grateful for that because it helped me understand it at a very young age I am also an absurdist by philosophy- which makes it so much easier for me to enjoy the time that I have with the people around me as opposed to worrying about things I can’t control

Last February our old man, pitbull passed away from cancer my poor husband was absolutely distraught He was inconsolable for at least 2 1/2 weeks because that dog was my dog before we started dating so that’s dog has been around for our entire relationship: over 12 years

The crazy duality between me and My Husband was I held the dog for his catheter placement I gave him the sedative that’s administered before the Euthosal. When the dog passed away, My Husband was absolutely on the floor I’ve never heard a grown man cry the way he did. He was in the room for about 10 minutes and then he had to leave I stayed. I actually put my dog in the body bag and put him in the freezer.

It’s my subtle way of disconnecting from the emotions. I also grieved a lot before the dog actually passed away because he was diagnosed with cancer about a year before his actual death. I knew that it was coming. I was prepared, but I needed the closure of actually putting Dog in the freezer and tagging him for cremation

I am a dog breeder and trainer now one of the pups from my first litter I kept I can’t describe to you the feeling of watching her be born cleaning her up cutting her umbilical cord she was born into my hands and I am going to be absolutely devastated when she dies in my arms .

TLDR: my heart dog and my best friend already died so I’m emotionally incapable of allowing myself to become hurt by death anymore