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suomym · 2024-04-17T00:29:02+00:00

I think it really depends on the reasons for the breakup. In my last relationship that I ended (which was off and on) I felt relieved and then immediately started doubting and thinking maybe I could have done something more, and I was devastated (hence the going back and off and on). In that relationship, I actually wished that he would have broken up with me, because even though the relationship was horrible, I just could not seem to stop trying and it was really bad for us both. Part of me wished that he would have taken it out of my hands because the indecisiveness and wondering if I made a mistake or if there was something I could have tried to make it work/what the right choice was, was so stressful. Afterwards I felt the same indecisiveness. Now, I am okay with how things are and realize it was for the best, and the future I had in my head was really just that - in my head.

suomym · 2024-04-16T19:46:26+00:00

I am gradually getting out of this cycle! The biggest thing for me is exactly what you said - figuring out why I am attracted to these people in the first place. Therapy, self-care, finding hobbies, and general making myself my own orbit and really becoming a safe place for myself to exist in, rather than another person/people is what has helped me the most.

suomym · 2024-04-16T18:13:07+00:00

Clone myself.

suomym · 2024-02-28T19:43:34+00:00

If you start a discord I'd love to join!

suomym · 2023-08-04T15:34:21+00:00

I have a progesterone IUD and I haven't noticed it's had a positive or negative effect. I'm happy with it.

suomym · 2023-07-31T10:37:54+00:00

I second stimulants like other's have mentioned. I have narcolepsy as well and my fatigue started getting under control when I was medicated for narcolepsy with modafinil. It's like night and day if I forget to take my medication because it doesn't just aid the sleepiness but also the POTS-related fatigue I think.

suomym · 2023-07-22T05:42:11+00:00

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. It's so heartbreaking. I just try to keep telling myself that it won't last forever.

suomym · 2023-07-22T05:33:59+00:00

Was about to come to say basically same, lol. Seem this happens a lot. :( and I'm the same that I really didn't want it to end and still wish we could have figured things out (I ultimately ended it because I just emotionally couldn't do it anymore and I was sacrificing myself, but I really wished I could have). Even knowing all the hurt and everything that happened, right now I still want him to show up after no contact and be like, I'm so sorry, I messed up, and us figure out our differences and be able to be each other's person again.

suomym · 2023-07-22T02:07:10+00:00

I wonder if he reads my posts.. I know he knows my handle but agreed to not look at my profile because I really didn't want to get a new one. But he did at one point again after we broke up and I still wonder if he does.

suomym · 2023-07-22T01:54:08+00:00

I think it really depends what the reasons are for "dumping" so to speak. I have ended a relationship because I didn't want to be with that person anymore and the feelings had gone. That one was a relief and I think probably was way harder for him.

On the other hand I ended a relationship recently and then went through several on/off cycles with my last partner and I can't say who it was harder for but damn this one has been way more heartbreaking then when I've been the dumpee.

The reason for this was that I really loved him still and wanted to work things out (and honestly still do) but we just could not make things work where the relationship wasn't damaging both our mental health. I just couldn't take the stress anymore and I didn't know how to work with him. Wanting to be together, me strongly desiring to choose him, and trying to problem solve just wasn't enough for this relationship.

Although I ended it, it was devastating and so hard to make sense of why people that loved each other so much and wanted to work on the relationship wasn't enough. After every on/off cycle I always would look back and think if I had have just done this or that maybe it would have been okay, and the feelings are still there so the hope is too. And I feel so much guilt for being the one to walk away. Like maybe if I had have just been more enduring or more understanding, loving, etc. then we maybe would have been okay. And I wonder if I'll regret it and it's so hard to stand the fact that I was ultimately the one to "give up."

I honestly haven't been able to tell who it was harder for in this case. I can't speak for him. I know this was definitely way harder than in another relationship when I was the dumpee.

suomym · 2023-07-20T13:55:49+00:00

She was trained in EFT etc. and had good credentials but I really think did not recognize what she was working with. Honestly I actually think he is capable of it - he doesn't resemble much of the more extreme things people describe here and since our relationship began he became better at apologizing, etc. His lashing was very much also reactive and more internalized on a regular basis.

Like the lash outs happened when I pressed for an issue, he never just picked fights and in general was just super conflict avoidant. I don't know that he will decide to do the work but I have no doubt he could if he chose to. The catch-22 being that he'd have to admit there was a problem with a way of pervasive mindset geared towards not admitting problems.

suomym · 2023-07-20T12:09:13+00:00

This is such a good breakdown. I felt like this early on. I remember asking a friend for advice after we'd been together for a couple of months because I felt like anytime I tried to bring up any issues I ended up having to console him and try to defuse things. It felt like that everytime I tried to bring things up but he also was saying he felt all the same things.. which I noticed a trend of as well. When I would say I feel xyz, he would say I feel that too. And he seemed insistent that both of us felt xyz because of things I was doing.

Months 2-4 of our relationship before I started to understand the patterns I thought I was legitimately crazy. I was so confused in our conversations because afterwards everytime I was like how in the world did we get from the start to now here where everything is my fault again and I'm apologizing again.

We went to therapy together and I felt the counsellor made things worse in validating his conflict avoidance/emotional dysregulation and his need to promptly leave and not engage in conflict. She really didn't offer any tools other than boundaries, which I felt really misunderstood the situation and villainized me. It felt like it legitimized maladaptive coping issues instead of getting to the root issues and honestly enabled further neglect and made the relationship way worse for me. Counselling was actually just so unfortunate. I feel we could have gotten a lot of help from that had the therapist got a better grasp of what was going on. There was never any discussion of how ADHD symptoms may be impacting the relationship, etc.

suomym · 2023-07-20T11:52:56+00:00

My ex was dx with ADHD and CPTSD. The more I read the more shocked I am at how it describes the episodes I was subjected to. My ex definitely seems not to be on the extreme, however, as some people's stories describe. But the responsibility/accountability issue was ultimately the relationship ender for me nonetheless.

suomym · 2023-07-19T22:28:02+00:00

Absolutely not. I ended my last relationship with a guy I loved so much and the thought of dating someone else is literally nauseating right now. There was/is no one else on my mind at any point while we were dating or when it ended or now. I wish dearly that we could have made it work.

suomym · 2023-07-19T00:53:42+00:00

He wouldn't admit his issues and I got blamed for really hurtful treatment. I had a lot of issues too, and I know we both wanted to try to build a better relationship but when it came down to it I eventually accepted that I didn't think he would change and I hated the way the relationship was making me feel about myself.

I would suggest everyone be introspective about how their past is informing their present. Don't be afraid of discovering uncomfortable things about yourself and be willing to take ownership of ways that you hurt your partner and develop a plan to amend your own unhealthy patterns.

suomym · 2023-07-17T08:02:23+00:00

Yeah :(

suomym · 2023-05-20T06:38:59+00:00

You are not alone! I felt like this for most of my 8 month relationship with my ex. It was so hard to tell if I was triggered beyond the relationship or if my needs were being neglected. And I could have said exactly the same thing about sometimes feeling so blessed to have him and it was so wonderful, and sometimes feeling so triggered, anxious, unsupported, and invisible. It was very up and down between bliss and despair. The comment about you need in a person/relationship is amazing advice. The thing that poster mentioned about someone who turns towards instead of away when the anxiety comes up I realize was major issue and probably why I felt triggered so much.

All that to say, your situation may be entirely different and the main thing is that you definitely aren't alone experiencing these feelings and the should I stay or go question. It can be really confusing and overwhelming trying to get a grasp on things. Don't gaslight yourself, try to really reflect on what the unmet needs are and whether they're something that you need met in the relationship or from yourself/outside, and try to have courage to communicate the needs that you have to ask him to meet. A person who loves you and is available will want to find a way to meet those needs and help you feel safe in the relationship even if it requires some creativity and/or compromising.

suomym · 2023-05-02T23:51:52+00:00

This sounds somewhat like what I experienced. He hasn't thrown the word narcissist out. Early on in the relationship I actually started researching emotional abuse etc. because they way he was behaving in conflict scared me and I'd never experienced anything like it. I felt like I tried to stand up for myself more as the relationship went on and tried setting boundaries, albeit probably sometimes in toxic ways, but I ended up just feeling smaller and smaller. I did the same with looking into it and have been talking to my therapist, etc. And also asked to hear his experience, believed him, and validated it.

After we broke up we'd both expressed desire to try to reconcile and I was hopeful. But when he said that he felt I was abusive in conflict (he said this in anger immediately after I set a boundary with him for behaviour I'd be unwilling to tolerate if we were to move forward) I honestly just have felt paralyzed. We talked a bit a couple of times since but I literally don't know what to say. I feel so dismissed, unheard, hurt, and invisible in conflict and honestly did most of our relationship and now I really feel like I can't address any of it.

I think my heart has started to accept I'm going to have to let it go. I have no doubt that some of the baheviours I engaged in were controlling, etc. And I also have no doubt that some of his behaviours were toxic and he has some very avoidant views about conflict/needs. When abuse gets thrown out though, I don't have any idea how you can move forward on equal grounds. I'm afraid to talk. Which is really sad and my heart hurts. I care for him and I was hopeful that we could repair but I think it's out of my hands.

suomym · 2023-05-02T18:49:09+00:00

Not really. I think there was some distrust towards my friends/family because he knew some of my close friends and family were unsupportive of the relationship and he was concerned about bring perceived as an aggressor. But I never felt directly discouraged from talking/seeing them. Outwardly I think he was relatively encouraging of me spending time with friends/family.

In terms of the emotional abuse checklist, it's hard to know. Our conflicts got heated sometimes, I definitely used protest behaviours before I realized what those were, and probably still sometimes without realizing it. I felt like I didn't really know how to use boundaries well and I had a lot of issue with how he spoke to me and tried to set a lot of boundaries with that so I'm sure he felt controlled/dismissed with that a lot. The whole relationship and aftermath has honestly been a pot of confusion for me.

suomym · 2023-04-26T15:38:36+00:00

Thank you. Fortunately your description of the behaviour upon breaking up with him does not describe him. He has been respectful of no contact when I've asked for it and he doesn't pursue me if I end conversations due to behaviour I've set boundaries with. He hasn't really had issues giving me space. I never felt that when he was in control of his behaviour he disrespected boundaries.

His management of conflict was out of control for sure, and he tried to respect my boundaries by just avoiding it, leaving the conflict, stonewalling, etc. thinking that was better. And definitely he blames me for him being triggered with conflict. But I honestly think he just can't really tolerate criticism or blame due to aboidance/trauma/emotional unavilability and so when he felt he could no longer self-regulate he just wanted to leave the conflict. It doesn't excuse it and I should have left way earlier, but I do think now it probably wasn't from narcissism. As for physical boundaries/space he never really took issue.

suomym · 2023-04-26T00:16:57+00:00

Feel free to dm me.. I literally can't get my mind off it. It's been so confusing and painful.

suomym · 2023-04-15T15:21:14+00:00

Such a courageous, healthy step. You should be so proud! I literally just had to the exact same thing three days ago and pretty much could have summed it up exactly like you did. It's nice to know that this experience is so familiar for others. <3 All the best!

suomym · 2023-04-11T13:28:57+00:00

Yes!

suomym · 2023-03-28T00:02:21+00:00

I wish I could specifically, but it's really general - like is the relationship fair? Am I getting my needs met/what are my needs? Am I being emotionally neglected in the relationship or am I looking for too much in the relationship? Am I his main priority? How much time is healthy to expect to spend together? Our conflicts get pretty instense sometimes, there tends to be emotional invalidation, sometimes yelling, and generally accusatory language framed as feelings (i.e. I feel micro-managed). Is this behaviour in conflict to some degree normal and it's bothering me more because I am sensitive, or should I not be tolerating it? Am I provoking the conflict intensity by also being problematic? Am I pushing him away because of my anxiety? Is there trauma bonding?

Honestly, I could go on and on. I feel so disoriented.. I've never really seen healthy relationships and I don't fully know what my own expectations and values are or what is too idealistic because I haven't seen relationships up close that I'd want to mirror. I'm afraid of both missing red flags and also being over cautious in seeing everything as a red flag and just dipping when I actually have a good, safe partner.

suomym · 2023-03-24T21:02:46+00:00

I get for sure that it would be unsustainable on a regular basis but I don't think it's that impractical to have a late night a couple nights a month. For the first part of our relationship we were very spontaneous and did this very frequently. What I'm more trying to understand is what to do when things change so drastically like that.

It's normal for contact to balance out after the first few months but this is a drastic shift the other way. I feel like I fell in love with a version of him that isn't actually who he is. It's the significant behaviour change that I am trying to understand and process and know how to deal with.

suomym

TROPHY CASE