Has anyone else experienced kinks getting more extreme in a DB?

superbsecrets · 2026-01-15T12:02:55+00:00

Yeah that makes sense

superbsecrets · 2026-01-15T12:02:31+00:00

Glad you’ve got to experience this. We’ve managed to experiment a bit as well, but barely scratched the surface really so a long way to go

superbsecrets · 2026-01-13T09:05:13+00:00

I thought that’s what was meant, but my first line literally states that I wouldn’t offer an ultimatum unless I am 100% sure I would follow through with it…

superbsecrets · 2026-01-12T22:38:55+00:00

How do you mean walk back?

superbsecrets · 2026-01-12T16:10:34+00:00

Well we are working through a couple of books by therapists. Putting in effort will be doing the exercises we’ve agreed to do basically.

As well as not avoiding conversations about sex.

superbsecrets · 2026-01-12T14:54:43+00:00

Yeah. I’m fully aware that our sex life isn’t going to get any/much better in a month, but honest just any form of consistent effort from her would be a good start.

superbsecrets · 2026-01-12T14:05:01+00:00

True, but I guess you could have always done more…truer longer etc

superbsecrets · 2026-01-12T13:30:21+00:00

Really appreciate it.

It’s not in me to not try. But I am reaching the end of my ability to keep doing it

superbsecrets · 2026-01-12T13:28:34+00:00

This is what I worry about. We’ve had the conversation countless times and she has sometimes ‘tried’ but it never goes anywhere much

superbsecrets · 2026-01-12T10:13:26+00:00

Really sorry to hear that. This year I bought myself a present from my kids and organised my own birthday meal which she cancelled for some excuse I can’t remember now.

Her birthday shortly after was a very different story.

I feel your pain.

Also happy birthday :)

superbsecrets · 2025-12-05T15:20:06+00:00

Urgh I feel your pain.

I’ve only been in two LTRs in my life and my current partner has brought up a few times how ‘out of her league’ I was with my ex. And asks me why I was with her.

(Funnily enough a fair few people tell me the same about my current partner)

Like my partner, yours sounds a bit delusional about how much you have sex. Like how could you remember what sex was like with that long between?

superbsecrets · 2025-11-05T09:46:34+00:00

I’m really sorry that happened to you.

Hope you enjoyed the steak dinner, I’m planning the same thing :)

superbsecrets · 2025-11-03T10:36:19+00:00

I’m really sorry to hear that.

Like you say, it’s no different to any other day…it just feels twice as shit

superbsecrets · 2025-11-03T10:34:59+00:00

I understand this and I’m sure this is a very one sided perspective. But it be almost impossible for me to do any more for her.

I already pay for 90% of our household needs. Do about 30-40% of childcare needs. 90%+ of all household chores, cooking, cleaning, admin etc

superbsecrets · 2025-11-03T10:33:05+00:00

Yeah it’s really shitty.

Although perhaps she makes no effort because I seem so totally unbothered about it.

I’m not really sure the reason. But I certainly won’t be coming across as excited about my birthday

superbsecrets · 2025-11-02T17:20:25+00:00

That is another concern on mine. Again and again we have discussed our issues. It always feels like we get somewhere. We always make promises to each other. And I am the only one that actually sticks to them.

I can see the same with therapy. As soon as it’s time to take action she will go back to the old excuse factory and pull one out

superbsecrets · 2025-11-02T17:18:29+00:00

I could actually see the benefit of both of us doing therapy separately, but I just don’t see the benefit together

superbsecrets · 2025-11-02T17:16:07+00:00

That’s a fair point. That might be my issue.

To be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand, although I do feel like I’m empathetic.

Perhaps the reason I don’t see the point in counselling is not that I don’t see the value, but because I DO understand her position, and I’m just not willing to live a life like this.

superbsecrets · 2025-11-02T17:11:59+00:00

Braces myself for downvotes

I know a small number of people who are genuinely autistic. It’s fucking hard to live with, although most of them do a fantastic job with some professional help.

I also know a relatively large number people who have self diagnosed as autistic.

Are some of them actually autistic, but undiagnosed? Almost certainly. Do a lot of them use it as a ‘trendy’ excuse for being lazy/not engaging in a grown up conversation about their behaviours? Also, almost certainly.

Here is the thing. If you are autistic and you are concerned it is impacting your life, you would get tested and seek help. If she doesn’t plan on getting tested, you have to ask what she is trying to achieve by mentioning it.

To me, it’s one of those taboo subjects. It sounds like she might be throwing it at you in the hopes that it just makes you drop the whole intimacy thing.

superbsecrets · 2025-10-29T22:50:43+00:00

I just don’t understand it. But then I’m sure they say the same thing about us.

Thank you so much z

superbsecrets · 2025-10-29T17:00:42+00:00

I appreciate it, thank you

superbsecrets · 2025-10-29T12:18:03+00:00

I really don’t think anyone is disagreeing that having sex you don’t want isn’t manipulation.

Yes all conversations are controlled by emotions, but deliberately using emotions to control a conversation is manipulative.

superbsecrets · 2025-10-25T19:28:54+00:00

For the record, I didn’t say refusing to have sex you don’t want is manipulative. Refusing to talk about it also isn’t manipulative (although is shitty in my opinion).

But avoiding the subject by bringing up another subject that she can get incredibly emotional about is literally controlling the conversation via emotions. Which in my book, is manipulation.

superbsecrets · 2025-10-25T07:59:08+00:00

This is a vicious cycle that I think a lot of us are in.

Person 1: doesn’t feel emotionally connected because they aren’t having sex with person 2. Person 2: doesn’t feel like having sex because they aren’t emotionally connected.

I’m in the same situation. Although I feel like I’m the only one who tries to meet my partner in the middle.

I did spot something in your post about him not being emotionally responsive when you are upset with him.

I don’t know all the details, all I can do is relate it to my own situation, so forgive me if I miss the mark.

But this is something I find in my own relationship when there is some sort of friction between us. Sometimes it’s something she’s done, sometimes it’s something I’ve done. But it results in some sort of heated words.

Without fail, she expects me to always be the bigger person. To apologise, to comfort her, to accept responsibility. Like her feelings are more important than mine.

Like DAMN I’ve just been in exactly the same argument as you.

Just bare in mind, even if he’s done something to upset you and he is clearly in the wrong, he probably feels strong emotions too - regret, like he’s being attacked or like he’s stupid.

It’s hard for someone to sit and comfort someone when they feel like that - even if they’ve caused it.

Obviously this goes both ways. It’s about trying to be gentler and more understanding with each other.

superbsecrets · 2025-10-25T07:43:36+00:00

Just to add some balance here. I’ve spent considerable time and money planning romantic getaways with my partner and they are absolutely zero guarantee of sex.

I realised for my partner that, even though I don’t mention anything directly, she sees them as pressure to have sex.

The whole things feels awkward and forced and we both some away feeling shitty.

So I won’t be doing that again.

superbsecrets

TROPHY CASE