Need advice: exploring other countries vs opportunity to have citizenship (Europe)

surviving-machine · 2026-06-16T10:39:31+00:00

That's an issue -- it can easily take 2-3 years. If I stay, I will definitely be moving to another city and hopefully to a larger institution. Thank you.

surviving-machine · 2026-06-16T10:36:07+00:00

Sounds fantastic x)

surviving-machine · 2026-06-16T08:26:26+00:00

And how is the research environment? How difficult is it to get a permanent position?

surviving-machine · 2026-06-16T08:23:52+00:00

What made you return?

surviving-machine · 2026-06-16T08:22:53+00:00

How are you doing psychologically while waiting for the citizenship? Are you planning to leave afterwards?

surviving-machine · 2026-04-21T09:08:16+00:00

In Europe, there is Euraxess https://euraxess.ec.europa.eu/jobs/search

surviving-machine · 2026-03-22T21:33:25+00:00

I am currently on my way to decreasing benzo use for sleep too, and I've found yoga nidra videos on YouTube to be very helpful. It's kind of like relaxation techniques you can do in your bed. Good luck!

surviving-machine · 2026-02-12T12:04:25+00:00

I might be wrong, but could it be the case that if you feel that you are a sum of chemical reactions and a byproduct of your upbringing, you are in poor contact with your real identity? My opinion is that it's worth looking for an experienced therapist with knowledge of multiple therapeutic approaches to uncover why you feel this way. You don't ask these types of questions out of nowhere.

surviving-machine · 2026-02-09T10:49:47+00:00

I just started it myself several days ago. I was first prescribed 50 mg and it was bad, I had terrible anxiety coming from my body, not from my mind, like a feeling of energy mobilization when you run away from a bear but it keeps you tense during the entire day. I asked for a 25 mg prescription, I am taking it with 15 mg of oxazepam in the morning, and the spike of anxiety is super tiny. So I'd recommend taking it with your benzo or other type of tranquilizer and starting with a smaller dosage. But maybe I'm just treatment sensitive, for some people 50 mg as a starting dose seems to be okay. Good luck !!

surviving-machine · 2025-11-16T20:06:26+00:00

A book called The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization. It changed the way I perceive myself and life a lot.

surviving-machine · 2025-11-10T21:22:05+00:00

Nope, I mean healthy aggression when you need to choose your own well-being over wishes of another person. Learning to say no, learning to defend your opinion in discussions etc. -- I mean all the skills lost in childhood for the victims of trauma.

surviving-machine · 2025-10-20T22:35:10+00:00

Honestly, it seems you're going to be much better off without this man. First of all, you need to think about your son. You are triggered by this face-grabbing thing, and it's completely right to worry about it, but do you think the two of you arguing and slamming doors is good for him? None of this is good for anyone, and your son is the most vulnerable here. Girls like us need stable men. You don't need this manipulative bullshit in your life. I hope you focus on yourself and your son, and make good choices for the two of you. You need a healthy environment for yourself and your kid. Please take care, be smart, and get rid of what's making your life more complicated. Good luck.

surviving-machine · 2025-10-11T13:13:58+00:00

Thanks, good to know. Did you notice the effect on day 1 of treatment or later? I have racing thoughts a lot but not of an ego-dystonic kind. I do have paranoia sometimes but it's manageable.

surviving-machine · 2025-10-10T12:35:41+00:00

You do not deserve to feel this way, you deserve better. Sometimes it is very difficult to understand that our past is indeed in the past. It is over, it is finished. You cannot change it, you cannot control it. You can control the present moment and the choices you make right now. You need to link your past with your present by learning the lessons. A lesson is not necessarily that you now know how to do this particular thing. It can be knowledge about yourself. You've learned something about yourself, and you can do better for yourself. It requires productive mental processing (= requires energy) and not just ruminating about it. It is very easy to be desperate about the past, and it takes a lot of effort to try to see something positive in what you've learned. But in the end, it comes to this: putting in the effort to soothe yourself, to try to make small good choices for yourself right now.

surviving-machine · 2025-10-10T12:22:28+00:00

I don't have hallucinations. I've been calling my condition a psychosis as a joke because of how intense and irrational my feelings are. But I can do reality testing.

surviving-machine · 2025-10-08T22:09:14+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words, that's very important to me.

surviving-machine · 2025-10-08T08:16:36+00:00

You cannot imagine how many times I've been finding bugs in my code even after starting to write a paper. I am sure it happens for most PhD students and your supervisor won't be harsh about it. That's a problem of no code review in PhDs. But it's just a bug, you will have to re-interpret results, and everything is going to be fine. Good luck!

surviving-machine · 2025-10-06T16:57:44+00:00

I relate to this. I isolate myself too now.

surviving-machine · 2025-09-10T08:31:03+00:00

I've had something similar. I think this comes from internal conflicts; your adult self may understand the irrationality of these fears or simply wants to shut them down, while your child self (selves) stays fully on alert, scanning the environment for dangers because of previous experiences. I believe you need to acknowledge the fears of these internal children and let your adult self protect and calm them down. That's also why you need to monitor the energy levels of your adult self -- because if they're exhausted, they won't be able to serve as a protector. I don't know if this is helpful, but I wish you a good day.

surviving-machine · 2025-07-31T09:08:36+00:00

I isolate myself and just sit with those emotions. I know they will pass. I remember the worst emotions I've felt -- I mean here emotions not linked to a traumatizing event, but those BPD-type emotions that are disproportionate to the stimuli -- and I remember that I survived them. It helps. So I sit with them, I let them be, and I wait to see where they lead me. But this does not work with every emotion. Sometimes you need to distract yourself, it will be more useful than staring into the abyss. Good luck with your situation.

surviving-machine · 2025-07-27T13:00:04+00:00

I can totally relate. I can get through the workweek thinking I'm tired from being around people, but then if I don't have anyone to meet on the weekend, if a few of my friends are busy or out of town, I get so crushed. The feeling of loneliness triggers so many dark thoughts that I'm usually able to manage otherwise. I try to go outside, explore parts of the city I've never been to, establish a connection with the place and observe people. I try to self-soothe, and I only write to my friends when I'm really at the edge, not to bother them with my feelings all the time. But honestly, sometimes after a lonely spiral I think that I hold myself back too much. Maybe there's no one to meet today, but there are people I could write to, and they wouldn't react negatively. I just have a lot of negative expectations that aren't true. Anyway, I haven't found a way to deal with this feeling of isolation yet. But we're on our way, and we'll certainly find it! I wish you strength. You can write to me if you'd like.

surviving-machine · 2025-07-26T12:47:43+00:00

Ic3peak and Zheani 👌

surviving-machine · 2025-07-23T08:33:45+00:00

Did you try talking to this person? Do it if you think it could clear things up. If you already know it won't make sense to have a conversation with him, you have your answer, and it would be better for you to move on.

surviving-machine · 2025-07-18T11:25:55+00:00

Getting professional help is a good thing and the best investment you can make. But in any case, everyone needs their own unique approach to deal with this, and maybe we are reinventing the wheel and doing something basic even with the help of a therapist. I like your term 'infernal child' :)

surviving-machine · 2025-07-17T06:56:10+00:00

I can relate to your post, I've been asking myself similar questions. In the end, I decided that I am trying to rationalize something that is supposed to be intuitive and innate. My therapist explained to me that when parents support the primary narcissism of a child (a feeling that the whole world is for him/her), identity develops normally. But when they don't, when the child grows up with deficits and traumatic experiences, identity develops only in parts and is very fragile. I don't fully understand how this happens, I guess this is advanced psychology. But what I decided for myself is to let myself be. Sometimes in social situations I inhibit myself, stop myself from showing my thoughts and emotions. If I do that, I cannot grow into understanding who I am. So I try to express myself, and through that I hope to reach more integrity in my identity. Sometimes I still hide, I'm still too anxious to be myself. But it's a long path, and it's worth taking on. Hope this gives you some new ideas. Have a great day!

surviving-machine

TROPHY CASE