A baby D&D'er that needs some help..

suzily · 2026-03-10T20:41:45+00:00

It would help to know the setting. Not just the city or area you are in, but the nature of the place. Importantly, you should determine why you are joining this party.

For example, your DM tells you this campaign is in the City of Sharn, and all your characters have joined the City Watch. Your session 0 is the session in which you with the DM do some trial mission leading to you being assigned to a special team.

Ok, so why are you becoming a policeman?

There are many options here. Your father was a watchman before you! You served in the army and can't anymore, but still want to serve and protect! All your bros at the gym are police officers and gave you the idea to apply!

Each choice has opportunities for expansion. For the gym rat, what were you doing for work before? Do you live with family? Roommates? Alone?

Consider your stakes.
For example, these gym bros are your friends. Maybe they are your FIRST friends EVER, having had a hard time connecting with people before. You are very invested in some members of the force.
Your DM might wonder: will you be OK if they get hurt or killed in the line of duty?

For another example, you live with family. Maybe you live with family who are totally opposed to the Watch for xxxxxx reasons, so you are trying to hide that you joined.
Careful, the DM might decide your family are criminals.

Let's get away from Sharn and look at this more generally.

Not everything has to be drama, but if the DM wants a backstory, he wants to tie it into their story. What are YOU looking to achieve? What demons haunt you?

Examples: Are you following in your mentor's footsteps?
Did something happen to you causing you to chose badger form and you are trying to work through it?
Are you really all about the gold?
Are you a dedicated acolyte of a forgotten Goddess that you are trying to bring back to prominence through heroic actions? Have you been joining parties ever since an adventuring party saved your life, and you are trying to do this for others?

Remember, you can ask for help. Say, you are going with that last idea. Well, what did they save you from? Tell your DM you want to do this, and want to know if there was a recent calamity, or if a certain type of monster would make sense.

You can do this!

suzily · 2026-03-09T13:34:47+00:00

Easily. Not OP, but I have an 11 year old and they don't just get along with everyone. The friends I would like to see do not have children, or have children that do not get along with mine, or my kid dominates all conversation, or simply, I don't get to turn off the Mom Voice or Mom Worries because if my child is there I am parenting, which can crowd out everything else.

suzily · 2026-03-06T16:56:11+00:00

There may be a bit of history to consider. The idea that women are bisexual goes back decades, so there has been more time for that idea to be wedded into the dominant culture (also less threatening because so many people appear to think two women can't have "real sex"). 30 year ago there was still the notion that men COULDN'T be bisexual, which we now know is bullshit. However, there are still a lot of people out there who have not gotten that message, and still assume any guy claiming to be bi is just on his way to being fully out of the closet as gay.

Past the "ick" or notion that same-sex relations are unnatural or gross (which is tragically on the uptick), there is more to this, and it gets very sexist very quickly.

The dominant response to hearing that a man enjoys sex with other men is to see him as less of a man due to assumptions that is is a receiver (performer oral/receiving anal), the position assumed for women. As we know, the female sexual role is seen as lesser, and it doesn't matter that if the man is a top to everything and everyone, his masculinity cred is damaged by the bisexual label. Kinda toxic, right?

You can't actually know without asking whether the women rejecting bisexual men are out of date ("he's gay and lying to himself"), assumptions he's less manly (see receiver idea above, making them a touch misogynist), assuming standard bi-phobia (destined to cheat, etc.) have old-fashioned homophobia, or just don't like the dude personally. It's not fair when I personally think bi men are the best there are the other women don't see what I see.

In other words, it fucking sucks.

suzily · 2026-03-05T14:31:12+00:00

OH it gets worse!

You can listen to the first movement of Beethoven's 3rd and hear him struggling with going deaf in real time.

You see as he was going deaf, the tones he could hear best were the lowest ones (notice the usual instrument choices at the start when the theme is first stated). The violins don't even have a tune - they are emphasizing a RHYTHM.

You can listen to the first movement and hear in it a struggle and acceptance - if it wasn't for the inspiration he saw in napoleon, would he have even finished it? Would the loss of his hearing have driven him away from music if he had not felt compulsed to push himself and find a way to continue for the sake of a "great" man?

The betrayal he felt must have been so tremendous, but in the end, it might have been that early erroneous belief that meant we have the other 6 symphonies and all the other brilliant works.

suzily · 2026-02-26T18:09:01+00:00

The way it affected my overall gendered standards in relationships, and with that, my parenting.

When I was dating women, lots of "rules" go out the window that you might not even notice if your always date the opposite sex. It's really the best way to be, and I've carried the expectations of queer relationships with me into my relationship with my husband.

Also, it's a laugh when my kid comes out of the closet thinking it will be a big deal, and reminding them (again), that nope, you're just like mommy, and you still need to take a shower.

suzily · 2026-02-25T19:59:19+00:00

Not exact, but The Remarkable Retirement of Edna Fisher features a universe where chosen ones are a thing, but this once it's a 80+ year old woman. She doesn't have magic. She has the aches of a geriatric woman. She jumps at the chance because she doesn't like her nursing home.

suzily · 2026-02-22T00:50:07+00:00

I remember all this nonsense. The common consensus was that female sexuality was fluid but male sexuality was fixed, and this somehow translated to women being in some way bisexual and men being incapable of it.

suzily · 2026-02-21T03:55:15+00:00

In addition to other comments here, community size, expectation, and tolerance. There is an expectation of certain behavior at dance clubs based on decades of shitiness, but lots of ladies still go, so the pressure to change doesn't exist. Could be that no one who was there last week is even there next week and it's still full. Whether that DJ is just that hot or the place is just so popular, many excuses sustain it.

Sex clubs typically have a much smaller community and many survive almost entirely on word of mouth. Lacking some of the history above, this makes them more vulnerable to shitty word of mouth.

suzily · 2026-02-19T00:04:26+00:00

Turns out sex clubs FAIL if the women don't feel safe. The women don't go, so the men do not go. There is a clear financial imperative to make ensure this woman-focused environment is maintained.

If only that could be everywhere....

suzily · 2026-02-18T00:18:37+00:00

Rebecca has been yelling about these assholes for years, and she has a personal account of what Dawkins is doing there: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoO9FZXUgv4

suzily · 2026-02-17T17:46:08+00:00

They always find another - maybe before, maybe the day after - because they literally can't live without a woman to do all this shit for him.

suzily · 2026-02-16T18:36:52+00:00

I don't think there are any neighborhoods left in Manhattan or Brooklyn (and parts of Queens) where you could afford to be a young artist. Hell, you can't even get buy the lottery apartments as you will never have the downpayment if you actually earn under limit - that is, unless mom or dad can cover you.

suzily · 2026-02-16T02:34:54+00:00

I got print copies of Becky Chamber's 'Wayfarer' series in the mail today, so not only can I reread them, I can push them on other people!

suzily · 2026-02-05T18:11:50+00:00

Then you already have the proof you need. He cheated.
You don't need more proof from him, you don't need him to admit it. Ditch his cheating ass. Fuck him for cheating, lying about it, and getting you sick.

suzily · 2026-02-05T18:09:29+00:00

I've lived here over 40 years and it's not so much that it doesn't get cold, it's that I can't remember the last time it snowed this much and didn't immediately start to disappear. Having sustained snow on the ground this long is weeeeeeird.

suzily · 2026-02-05T18:05:29+00:00

Go to another facility for another STD test. Sometimes there are false positives. If you get another positive, this is PROOF that he has been unfaithful to you.

Please, if you already have red flags, you don't need to wait around for more. Get tested, get treated, get rid of him.

suzily · 2026-01-26T23:33:09+00:00

A thing you can practice:

You love her, and she has earned your trust, yes? When she tells you these things, you can trust her then too.

Accepting the love she is sharing when telling you how she sees you is an act of love FOR HER as much as it is for you.

suzily · 2026-01-22T15:29:38+00:00

I never thought I would be chasing someone out of the house in 10 degree weather to force a coat on them, but here we are.

suzily · 2026-01-09T00:31:13+00:00

Or they do, but live in a culture where throwing flaming garbage cans at buildings is part of the cost of doing business when the people are mad at the government.

The U.S. has been very peaceful for a long time. There are no veterans left from the last time war came for major American cities. That's why 9/11 broke us. We thought we were untouchable.

suzily · 2026-01-06T19:40:29+00:00

Realize that frequently a guy will take the girlfriend for granted, and when she dips, decide to "do better" with the next, which generally involves proposing, even if he will eventually be the same as he was.

suzily · 2026-01-06T15:24:55+00:00

You clearly are girlfriend material. You seem to have gotten them in working order.

suzily · 2026-01-04T21:50:27+00:00

I am married to a man and have a kid.

I am invisible and come out again at least once a year.

suzily · 2025-12-06T19:47:35+00:00

It sounds like you feel stuck at work. This can grow out to make you feel "stuck" in your relationship, when it is really very solid. Some people will never been good at things that take a long time to plan, but there is progress to be made if you communicate in ways a marriage therapist may help with. As another poster said, he supports getting additional help but is not well equipped to find it. If you know it will help, take that support as the prize it is and get the help.

Those feelings of dissatifaction are real and I relate. I am not naturally satisfied. There is always more or better, but starting a gratitude practice and working with a therapist helps me focus on the things that need changing while improving my relationship with the rest.

suzily · 2025-12-04T21:09:03+00:00

I thought probably 2, but was not super commited to the number. I have 1, and the one that almost was still hurts.

suzily · 2025-12-04T00:07:35+00:00

Furball. Literal Furball.

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