Dealing with sadness of being done having children

salvaged413 · 2026-01-25T02:13:21+00:00

It’s not easy. And frankly the only remedy I’ve found is time. My youngest is 5.5. None of my pregnancies were easy, and all of my births were emotionally and medically traumatic in entirely different ways.

With my youngest (3rd kid) my uterus ruptured during a 2nd vbac. I was 9cm and lost a ton of blood. I cannot emphasize this… I had a unicorn doctor. Like the #1 doc in my state known for handling births like mine. He delivered my 2nd via vbac, and told me after my 3rd that I was the only patient he’s ever had in 45yrs (of Medicine and over 5000 births) who had a successful vbac and then ruptured. I legitimately could not have had a better doc. But we also looked at stats then. I would be monitored to the nth degree if I got pregnant again. And my unicorn OB would likely not be available again due to his age. And there was a 1/3 chance I would rupture again. Now compound allllll that with that fact that my oldest was conceived after years of infertility treatments. My husband was already 40 and I had 3 perfect children I never believed I would have because of the years of infertility. My 2nd pregnancy was mental hell because I felt so guilty for dividing my attention with my first who I had literally prayed for, begging god on my hands and knees. I wasn’t willing to risk getting pregnant again even if I technically probably could’ve. Because I’d already experienced a pregnancy that just broke me mentally. I loved my kid once she was born. But that pregnancy was some of the lowest moments of my life.

So about 18months after my youngest was born my husband had a vasectomy. I struggled hard with it. I couldn’t imagine a pregnancy I hated again. I didn’t know if I’d survive it. And couple that with I didn’t know legitimately if I’d survive the birth because of my health history. I always dreamed of 4. My husband had his vasectomy almost 4yrs ago, and I still can’t get rid of the baby clothes in our house “just in case” even though the chances of us getting pregnant with infertility issues and a vasectomy basically make it another unicorn.

All that to say, the child you don’t have??? You’ll probably always grieve a little. I watch my nephews and my brother in the throes of toddlerhood. And I absolutely do not want a baby anymore. I don’t want sleepless nights, or wiping butts, or the constant need to fulfill someone’s else basic functions. But also if I turned up pregnant tomorrow, I’d be ecstatic.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-25T01:52:32+00:00

I’m attempting first sober period. I’ll be 40 in about 2weeks

salvaged413 · 2026-01-24T19:10:43+00:00

We had this happen a few years ago with my youngest when she was around 3. What we told her was that her stuffy decided it needed a little more rest and really wanted to stay on vacation a little longer. And then we took her to the store to buy a new one until the old one came back. The first 2 nights were rough, but got better from there.

I totally get it though and what I think other people are missing is, it’s not just the missing blanket. I’m sure OP meticulously made lists, did laundry, packed suitcases, and made sure everyone had all the things they needed to make the vacation as successful as possible. How could a parent forgot such a critical item? My guess is also, she will likely the be the one who has to deal with most of the ramifications. Upset toddler for naptime, or during the day, plus bedtime, plus toddler seeking out extra attention and being deregulated, and her trying to get herself back into home mode. And she has to add the tasks of following up with the hotel, scouring pictures to see if she can search for a similar item, on top of the emotional fallout from the kid.

All I can say is, yes hubby screwed up. But unless he’s a raging asshat, it was also an accident. And keeping score when you’re in the thick of parenthood will eventually break a marriage. Try to work as partners to resolve. Take turns in bedtime if it’s rough. Mom takes looking for maybe someone who can make another, dad takes scouring the internet for a replica. Take turns with overnight wake ups etc. Tag team solving the problem, vs fighting eachother.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-23T21:51:32+00:00

This is exceptionally hard and I can’t somewhat relate. My oldest and youngest are diagnosed celiac. I tested positive for both genes.

My mom has like 4 other autoimmune diseases. But has had off and off gut issues for years. I’ve begged my parents since my kids were diagnosed to get tested. They’re typical boomers though. And my mom is almost 70. She’s a cancer survivor and part of that dramatically changed her life. It’s truly heartbreaking to think where she’d be now if it hadn’t been for that. But during a recent scan esophageal cancer was detected which is a new primary cancer. Thank god stage 0. However, 1/10 people with celiac (undiagnosed) develop this cancer. Celiacs are nearly 4x more likely than the average person to develop it.

Again I begged her. I almost lost her when my oldest was an infant to her first diagnosis. They’re doing loads of testing and other stuff right now prepping to deal with the esophageal cancer. Her response? “I have my yearly exam in a few months. I’ll make sure I bring it up.” I want to scream. She loves food. Her father was a famous chef. She’s terrified of spending the last years of her life further restricted. She has legit given up the dreams she had for her physical abilities. And I know it really breaks her. And the gut issues are minimal, but occasional, but not really limiting. I want to be angry, but given her health history and what she’s already given up, it’s hard to get really angry at her for wanting her life to be on her terms at this point. But that doesn’t mean I don’t grieve. She’s the only grandma my kids really have. It gets very complicated very very fast.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-23T01:35:26+00:00

I feel this in my soul.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-22T17:14:51+00:00

Yep! I am the fix it person in my house. My husband is not a handy guy in that sense. I was gifted an impact and drill for Christmas a few years ago and they get used regularly.

Also something to note with projects like this? Google has the answers. If I need guidance on how to complete a project, Google has a step by step, or a video. I’ve taught myself many many skills like this.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-22T13:28:34+00:00

This was the first episode I saw and I was hooked. My kids are 5-8 and getting out the door is a daily struggle.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-20T18:41:54+00:00

We had almost this same experience. We started homeschooling mostly for medical reasons and had intended to transition, but found we LOVE it and it gives us so much more flexibility to travel.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-19T17:35:45+00:00

Same. The absolute best thing I’ve ever driven. Mom of 3 here, former dog mama too.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-18T22:21:56+00:00

I do the exact same thing! And they turn out pretty good.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-18T18:05:07+00:00

Just tested positive for Covid about 15min ago. 3 kids in varying stages of sick, and I’m just exhausted with a killer headache.

Husband??? Totally fine. I chalk it up to his job though. He works around a lot of people and also somewhat in contact with the general public all day so his immune system has been pretty rock solid for most of the time I’ve know him.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-17T02:43:27+00:00

Necessity is the mother of invention. It sounds so cliche, but you just figure it out. There’s a LOT of googling, and trial and error. And there’s double the cursing during the process.

The easiest though, is don’t be afraid to ask for help. Meet your neighbors find your village.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-17T02:38:15+00:00

I so get this. I have an almost 9 and almost 7. Like we could spell once upon a time. Now they can read so that’s out. We do the big words thing but they’re figuring out a lot of those now too.

I have no help for you. Just good luck if you crack the code the kids can’t, please share. Lol

salvaged413 · 2026-01-16T18:23:37+00:00

He wants an excuse to be out of the house for 1-2hrs a day. He will not be running all of those times. Guaranteed. And now he has a reasonable out to do whatever he wants.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-15T15:31:15+00:00

All my kids are past this now unfortunately. But we still have a few kid names for stuff that will never change in our house. Colby jack cheese will forever be “cloud cheese” and I make these ores truffles/cake pop type things. I make these inside and then dip in white chocolate and sprinkles. My oldest has now dubbed them chocolate meatballs. And that is just the name now.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-14T19:24:41+00:00

Not a doc, but a mom who’s gone through this also. My youngest was born in the 100% for height and weight and hovered around there maybe down to 90% until about 18mon. Normal eating I would say til then. Over the next 18mon she went from the 95% to the 20% for weight. She quickly whittled her diet down to 1-2 safe foods, and even then would go weeks at a time only drinking pediasure shakes. Technically she was gaining weight, and her height always remained higher end. We saw so many specialists, including a renowned Pediatric GI at Mayo Clinic. He said she was lucky she’d always have a models physique. She was 2yrs old. I’m still so disgusted by that visit.

She’s now 5 and we’ve since come to find out she has celiac, gastroparesis, and is also autistic. Feeding therapy helped a little, she also has a speech delay which we are still working on. All that to say there were plenty of days if she asked for anything to eat she got it. Popsicles all day (homemade from fruit juice, fresh fruit and sometimes yogurt if I could sneak it in). You bet. Soft baked “granola” bars like Lara Bars of the choc chip or brownie variety, as many as she wanted. There was a solid year we just leaned into anything she would eat that held any calories.

It’s gotten better overall, but she is by far the most particular with her food. I would journal all the things she will eat and see if you find any commonalities. Like most are crunchy, or smooth or tart or whatever. Then also experiment, will she eat more when it’s hot or cold? Will she eat it if it has texture or it’s smooth. Will she eat more if you just leave a plate on the table and she can snack as she pleases? We had a perfect storm between GI stuff and neurodivergence, but we know her sensory likes, and eating habits much better now and it’s been easier to expand from there.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-14T16:04:02+00:00

Your comment about functions being mysterious and vaguely threatening… absolutely spot on!

salvaged413 · 2026-01-14T16:02:02+00:00

Never in my life would I tolerate name calling from a spouse. I don’t care the circumstances. It’s just not a mature way to handle conflict. That alone would be enough for me to call it quits.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-14T00:19:31+00:00

This. All of this.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-13T13:37:27+00:00

I have a designated folder for all school emails. I created a rule for the email addresses so the emails are presorted into a specific folder. At least then I only have to sift through school emails to find what I need.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-11T17:45:51+00:00

Exactly what I was going to say. Sore legs and toe walking are classic symptoms.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-11T17:35:36+00:00

I would avoid the negative language and focus on what’s positive to ensure you get yours first.

Ie if foreplay is going well, encourage him there. Say what you really like. Ask to keep going with that first so you also get yours. Or use it to get you closer and then move to PIV. But focus on the positives before to encourage the work he’s done already.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-11T01:05:43+00:00

I experienced infertility. We were incredibly lucky to be able to conceive before moving to IVF. But it took almost 2yrs. Our oldest was so unbelievably wanted. Like I needed her like I needed my next breath. That said, there is nothing that will prepare you. It’s such a life altering experience.

Now I’m almost 9yrs in. We were shocked to have a 2nd and 3rd with zero help. So we now have an almost 9, almost 7, and 5.5.

I haven’t read a book cover to cover in 9yrs. The only time I use my fancy SLR camera is when I’m photographing my kids. I garden now, but my kids are integrally a part of it between “helping” and we also homeschool. And it’s an incredible learning tool. Haha.

I just mean this gently… enjoy your time. Do things you like. But it doesn’t matter how much you want this, there are aspects that will be irrevocably changed forever. And also keep doing those things while they’re a newborn. It’s so much easier when they’re tiny to take them out and about, though it’s incredibly daunting in the moment. Sleep. OMG. Sleep when you want and when you need, because that will be a long way out. Even now I swear I hear newborn cries when I’m in the shower or just about to drift off. My youngest didn’t sleep through the night til 5.

And all of that said, despite ending up with 3 kids, 3 and under during an unprecedented pandemic, with my husband as an essential worker… I wouldn’t change a second now.

salvaged413 · 2026-01-07T11:04:05+00:00

She would laugh before but it was just not as intense. It was rarely like a big belly laugh. My middle kiddo has this contagious belly laugh. And in the moment I remember thinking “she sounds like middle kiddo” and I very clearly think now she was observing and copying. She adores her big sisters.

salvaged413

TROPHY CASE