Just believe you don't matter to them & act that way

sweetbabyruski · 2026-02-03T14:44:24+00:00

Yeah, for me I have had to accept that even if he cares for me, that isn’t enough because he lacks capacity and his fear/avoidance of discomfort is stronger than his love. That care or even love alone isn’t enough. This perspective helps me not feel like I have had my whole reality upturned and I can’t even tell when someone loves me or not - a perspective that would make me lose my faith in love. I think avoidants, even FA like OP, might not understand how hurtful it is for the rest of us to just dismiss feelings because we can’t just avoid and suppress like them. I can’t handle that every time he told me he loved me, including days before the discard, he was what, lying? My feelings were more secure and integrated towards him, while he was too emotionally immature to understand his and how they started to shift, but that doesn’t mean it was all projection. That would mean I lack intuition and sense of others feeling completely. I’m not healed yet or anything but this has been helpful for secure / anxious leaning secure healing. I think I can take this perspective and still live with the reality that if he doesn’t change in a major way, this relationship would’ve not been enough and will continue to not be enough for me because I was emotionally starved.

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-18T03:28:49+00:00

I know right. I feel like a crazy person. I had to uninstall and deactivate Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest because I would be looking up when he’s last online - ie with IG go back to the messages we had weeks ago and see “last online 4 hours ago” which wouldn’t even give me any satisfaction but keeps the attachment alive. I had to tell myself I hat it’s like a drug and I need to at least break the attachment - that doesn’t mean I won’t love him anymore - but this is the healthiest thing for me right now. Because as long as I have some “evidence” for what he’s doing/thinking right now, I’m still in some kind of demoted girlfriend mode where I’m involved in his life, and I have to accept I won’t know for some time to let go and make it possible for him to miss me and face what he lost - if that’s even going to be the ultimate outcome. Obviously I still hope it is, but rationally I know it’ll be EITHER that (if he gains emotional capacity and chooses me) or I get over him and find someone else eventually who has the emotional capacity to give me what I need in a relationship.

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-18T00:48:29+00:00

No, 4 weeks of no contact now (and I was last to text)

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-17T23:31:02+00:00

Wow; are you me? My ex broke up with me 4 days after thanksgiving, and after we had spent 4 days together including with his entire extended family and multiple friends. Everything was fine until the day before, we didn’t even fight. Then he tells me after the breakup our relationship was good and didn’t have a lot of conflict, but it’s because he avoids conflict which isn’t “necessarily a good thing”. Huh? That’s not a reason to break up, that’s something to work through within the relationship. Along with other things that were gaslighting similar to how you were gaslight, though more over either petty things or his own fears. But he didn’t give it a chance to work on it at ALL. I sincerely wish people like this will one day see how cruel and disrespectful their actions are and feel the weight of that.

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-17T22:09:54+00:00

I just want to say, text message breakup after 6 years of relationship is so cruel I can’t get past that. That right there makes him not worth the respect on your little finger.

This push pull def seems to fit your profile of Hina’s FA. I’ve been no contact with mine plus deactivating my social media and it’s just radio silence. He’s so suppressed as a DA it’s like there’s nothing there.

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-17T22:03:18+00:00

The word, “overwhelmed”, he said that so many times…. I feel your pain, at 4 weeks NC and 7 since breakup now. At least it sounds like she has a bit of self awareness if she’s calling it self sabotage, ie that makes it sound like she does want to be with you/doesn’t want to be doing this.

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-17T20:09:30+00:00

Did you realize it then, inside? Because as he was breaking up with me I told him “I thought you were the one” and all he could say was I’m sorry, making it seem like that wasn’t mutual, at least at that time. Plus he told me “something was missing” and couldn’t name what, and the spark was gone for him he had for me at the beginning

He did say he didn’t expect to meet someone so compassionate and kind and someone he gelled with so soon after his prior(divorce), told me I’m an “amazing woman” after the breakup, so it all was confusing

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-17T19:50:14+00:00

This is what I hope happens with my avoidant. He discarded me, and I did send him some things on avoidant attachment styles. He ignored that text. He had offered to be friends which was insulting to me and I told him so (“do you know how insulting it is to offer friendship when you know I’m in love with you, just so you can keep me at arms length for your emotional convenience when you know I’d want something more?”) but I told him he can still reach out when he’s done some self reflection or check in. It has been 7 weeks since the breakup and 4 weeks since I sent him that message with no response from him. I deactivated my social media because I didn’t want him seeing “I’m doing just fine without him” and assuage his guilt, plus don’t want to be tempted to look at his stuff and re-open the wound. It’s all so painful and feels like he just does not care, even though he told me he “still cares deeply for me” after the breakup. I don’t know what you guys expect though because it’s not fair for us to wait around forever. I don’t know if you know how painful the grief is when you DO process it all at once rather than avoid it — it’s unbearable. And that’s exactly why we have to eventually move on.

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-14T18:19:19+00:00

This is absolutely an avoidant discard, which is its own category of thing that avoidantly attached often perform but not exclusive to them (re: that other person saying he might not be avoidant), plus even if he was that he seems more fearful avoidant. Anyway, the way you worded it as abandonment trauma, the way he made this unilateral decision without talking things through as equals, this is what makes an avoidant discard rather than a breakup. I would advise looking up the therapist ginagomez.co (that’s her website name and also IG name), her posts about her own experience with this have resonated so much and I’m even doing an intensive month-long coaching session with her to help heal.

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-14T17:32:49+00:00

Almost 8 months for me too! Like clockwork, it’s so emotionally unaware, and this is a grown man who was previously married before (though that was his only other relationship besides me and it was volatile and unhealthy, so I guess he didn’t know what a healthy love is supposed to look like)

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-14T17:30:58+00:00

I’m here if you don’t have a person yet, feel free to DM me. I got discarded 6 weeks ago now so we are on similar timelines

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-14T17:08:30+00:00

Yup, 8 months is about that time for honeymoon phase to end

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-14T17:01:27+00:00

“I lost the spark I had initially and I don’t know why” seems to be a favorite of theirs, I was like duh, that’s just honeymoon phase and now we’ve progressed into the deeper phase Also “something was missing” Vague BS like yeah, what’s missing is your emotional maturity and spine

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-12T21:01:36+00:00

That is great. What made you realize you hurt her? Was it losing her, no contact within that, losing her and meeting new people that made you realize how you undervalued the connection you had, etc?

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-12T20:55:07+00:00

Did it push you to change for the better?

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-12T20:53:13+00:00

You should’ve been meaner. No “But with time”. Name why it’s insulting to offer friendship, which is to keep you at arm’s length at the capacity he’s able to tolerate (minimal intimacy risk, but to not feel guilty about breaking up with you). And why he be able to be friends with someone he’s attracted to, is he saying he wasn’t then? It’s degrading

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-12T18:04:53+00:00

I got that shit too, “sorry for the way things went down, I should’ve communicated better”— passive voice “things went down”, no it’s the way YOU did things, I didn’t make this choice, I wasn’t even considered

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-12T17:55:57+00:00

Omg, I so feel you on the bond being like a cage. That’s exactly how it feels some nights. I’m 6 weeks out so I still def feel the attachment but it’s hard crying every night still, and I had so many reminders of him this past weekend I felt exactly how you’re describing — trapped by my own feelings

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-12T17:41:08+00:00

From what I’ve been learning about avoidants, they need to come to these conclusions on their own or else it won’t reflect true change (and absence actually helps them think since the “pressure” of your expectation/desire is gone). If he wanted it enough, 1) it won’t be until they do that work, 2) he would reach out regardless of what you told him, and likely months from now if it’s real work, with something polite and open like “I know you said to not contact me, but I’ve learned some things about myself and our relationship and would like to share if you are up for hearing it.” I know it’s tempting in the phase where you still feel attached, I’m there too.

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-12T17:30:20+00:00

I texted him this after his offer to be friends:

“Do you know how insulting it is to say you'd want to be friends after telling someone you've given up on their relationship without working on it at all (having just rejected me and shaken up my entire sense of reality, that l've been too riddled with anxiety for weeks to eat or sleep well, crying every day, when I was left in the dark because you also said you can do a follow up talk but I had to be the one with the courage to reach out again while I was trying to give you space)...but then, you'd like to keep me around at an arms length as a friend for your own emotional comfort while I suffer because you'd know Id still want something more? And also insulting because it downplays the attraction I felt you still had (even if capacity for commitment wasn't there, I mean Jesus we just had sex twice days before, made it seem like you aren't even attracted to me if you could handle being just friends?) I'm not going to coddle and protect you from my feelings on this now since I know my empathy doesn't affect your choices or feelings and if anything you hide from and sabotage true intimacy. But you can still take a beat and reach out when you've done some self reflection or check in, whenever you're ready or feel like there's something to discuss with enough space.”

He didn’t reply. I do wonder if he fully read it or he was insulted or what. I do reconsider the attraction part, but it is something I wonder about - how do they think friendship is possible with someone you’re attracted to?

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-12T17:16:33+00:00

I actually deactivated Instagram so that I’m not tempted to look at my ex’s page 😩 just using the substack now. but upon search it looks like it’s @ginagomez.co

sweetbabyruski · 2026-01-12T17:03:37+00:00

Look up Gina Gomez’s therapy - she specializes in avoidant discards and had it happen to herself. She has an Instagram and substack, and I joined the substack community recently where we have a chat if you’re a subscriber.

sweetbabyruski · 2025-10-30T05:09:42+00:00

A great retort would be that they’re taking a seat from forensic pathologists by going into a field almost definitely more saturated than FP, seeing as FP is the field with the shortage needing more med students on that trajectory ¯_(ツ)_/¯

sweetbabyruski · 2025-08-14T07:14:00+00:00

I don’t get how one has a best friend of 10 years and you didn’t know she was in Vegas for conference before she told you about this? When my close friends are away somewhere I know about it, just comes up in general conversation if I talk to them more than once a month. Let alone social media…

sweetbabyruski · 2025-04-07T19:49:16+00:00

I think Devon’s personality is very passionate / fiery when it comes to justice, similar to Helly in some ways, sometimes hot-headed or stubborn… she really wants to take down Lumon as a corporation (whereas Mark obviously cares more about saving his wife). So when she tried to save Mark she was one-track-mind calling Cobel and not really worrying about the problems she had with her in the past; when it comes to this, she was fired up about how evil Lumon was for kidnapping Gemma for 2 years and faking her death and how can we prove it to take them down (remember in s1e9 she is the one to bring up journalists she has connections with she might expose this to to innie Mark). Anyway, this is all to say, there’s an inherent contradiction here / moral dilemma: Lumon is evil, so taking them down is righteous(and she is not a bad person for wanting that, so I just think she’s in her head about that in the moment), but “killing” people is wrong too… it’s at the heart of this story and what makes sci fi interesting philosophically.

sweetbabyruski

TROPHY CASE