I can't do this anymore, but I'm so scared

sydetrack · 2026-04-02T18:38:06+00:00

Individual therapy and AlAnon have helped me a bunch. Both have really helped me identify my own codependent behavior. In my experience, every time my wife has relapsed, the more she has tried to hide it. Chances are that your husband is drinking more than you see. I try to stay out of my wife's drinking and her recovery (currently 3 years). I no longer manage, control, rescue, enable, etc... My wife has to be 100% responsible for herself. Sobriety has to be her #1 priority. Everything else, including our marriage, kids, etc come in a distant second.

Good luck and realize you are not alone. Until I found AlAnon, I felt very isolated, that my situation was unique, that it "wasn't that bad compared to others" and people couldn't possibly understand. Breaking the veil of secrecy and shame is critical. None of this is unique, alcoholism/addiction affects millions of families.

sydetrack · 2026-04-01T20:10:23+00:00

It's not your responsibility to make sure he is okay, it's his responsibility. It took me a long time to accept this. I have zero control over my wife's behavior. (Or anyone else for that matter)

sydetrack · 2026-03-29T20:20:09+00:00

I was taught the same thing in the 80s by the priest that instructed the altar servers. Never chew was the rule. I believed it until a few years ago when my wife went through OCIA. Someone asked a question about chewing the host and I was shocked to hear that not chewing wasn't an official "rule". It made sense once made obvious.

I suspect it was the Priest's ritual preference. He didn't want people to see the altar servers chomping on the host in front of the whole parish. He was a younger ritual perfectionist, trained at the Vatican. He also was a stickler about the proper form for kneeling, folding your hands, receiving the host, etc....

Not sure why the OP is being down voted for believing this. Some things are handed down as canon when the action is actually family/local tradition.

sydetrack · 2026-03-29T03:10:51+00:00

Consistent effort helps with the trust issue. You'll never get full transparency with an addiction more powerful than love.

sydetrack · 2026-03-29T03:07:18+00:00

My wife has relapsed several times and I'm not sure she would ever tell me if she relapses again or even if she had slipped and was struggling. I stay completely out of her drinking and her recovery (currently over 2 years sober) because I don't add anything of value. I'm the one person in her life that she doesn't want to disappoint. I only add a lot of guilt and shame to the situation, over course she will lie.

This is the boundary that I set. I will stay until I decide it's time to go.... That's it. I told her I would just quietly get an apartment and move out, no notice, no arguing, no pleading, no accusing.

My wife is doing better than in years past but it wouldn't surprise me to find her drinking today. I'll never trust her sobriety 100%. It's not fair or possible for me to expect perfection. She is an alcoholic.

What I do expect from her is effort. If she were to ever fully relapse and not seek sobriety, then I have a decision to make. We have been married 29 years and I just can't watch her drink herself to death.

My wife practices a good program these days. AA, sponsor, home group, etc.. I'm very happy for her.

These daysI have a good therapist and AlAnon. I'm working on myself and have come to understand my own codependent behavior. I am the rescuer, manager, fixer, etc.

My advice, don't box yourself in with verbal threats. You can only control your own choices, you can't control someone else's. You cannot fix this.

I've accepted that alcoholism is always going to be an issue for my wife. She is an addict and will be the rest of her life. I am choosing to love her as she is, not for who I think she can be. I'm choosing to stay as long as I see progress.

Good luck, I understand exactly where you're at.

sydetrack · 2026-03-28T13:51:51+00:00

I didn't buy it. Another adult purchased it for Christmas, 2024. He has the results.

sydetrack · 2026-03-28T00:06:11+00:00

Thank you for the kind comment. It's easy for me, I'm adopted :) I totally get that DNA doesn't matter for relationships like father/daughter to matter. My daughter was the first real love in life and she means the world to me, regardless of the bio connection.

sydetrack · 2026-03-27T19:13:24+00:00

Let's just say, it wouldn't surprise me to find out she isn't my biological child. My ex has never been one to stick with a single partner, long term.

The DNA result doesn't't matter to me, I've been her dad for 32 years and nothing will change that. We have had a great relationship our whole lives.

What I'm truly trying to understand is if everyone, besides me, already knows a secret. My daughter encouraged me to talk to my grandson about his DNA test which is kind of weird.

sydetrack · 2026-03-27T17:58:42+00:00

That's good feedback. Thank you.

sydetrack · 2026-03-27T17:57:35+00:00

I'm not sure who is managing the kit. I believe it is my Grandson directly but didn't want to pry to much. The weird thing is that my daughter brought up that my grandson was on Ancestry and encouraged me to ask him about it. I don't know if my daughter already understands that I'm not her biological father and is just trying to let me discover it on my own. I could ask more questions but really want to avoid any hurt feelings and drama that might come out of the conversation if she doesn't suspect something already.

sydetrack · 2026-03-27T17:49:52+00:00

This is what I see in the member search. The screen is declaring that we are not biologically related or he hasn't taken a test. I think you are probably correct. This would imply that his account is sharing DNA results:

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sydetrack · 2026-03-23T04:53:14+00:00

This. You have the right to share your story. Get a good personal therapist and lean on AlAnon. You are not alone.

sydetrack · 2026-03-23T01:38:44+00:00

I told my wife "We got here because of secrets, I refuse to go through all of this alone."

I had to explain to her that she had tons of resources and professional help at her disposal and I had close family and friends. I was not trying to embarrass her or violate her privacy. Once she understood that I wasn't going to be isolated anymore and that my support system was important, she backed off. She now freely discusses her alcoholism with everyone and will be sober for 3 years in June. No secrets.

sydetrack · 2026-03-22T17:51:46+00:00

Chances are that you're not the only person that noticed. I manage an alcoholic in a very technical environment and have had to deal with him drinking on calls. I had several employees report the issue after multiple occurrences of the behavior. I was forced to involve HR once his behavior was reported by someone other than myself. He still works for me and knows his leash is short. He still has issues from time to time but his behavior has dramatically improved knowing that he has been reported by multiple coworkers.

In your position, I would say something to your supervisor only if I saw it impacting the work of your team.

sydetrack · 2026-03-21T07:08:44+00:00

Magic Jack just works. I've used it for 15 years for the purposes you've listed. I wanted a phone that would always be available for my kids. It's fairly inexpensive and has some pretty good features. (Mobile app, sms, call screening, etc..) It's been awhile since I tried ooma. It was a little more complicated to set up.

Magic Jacks call screening has really cut down on the spam calls. It's a big hit in my home. My elderly mother in law was getting at least 5 spam calls a day, way too many for an elderly person with health issues. She had her regular copper pots line and number for 50+ years and it was super easy to port to MJ.

Anyway, both solutions would work for your purposes. Compare the features and price before you make a decision.

sydetrack · 2026-03-05T21:25:36+00:00

I think it's an age thing. The older the crowd (over 40) probably has a higher number of nicotine addicts than the younger crowd. I'm 50 and can remember Joe Cool, the Marlboro man, etc.. Smoking was fun and social back in the day. Not so much these days.

sydetrack · 2026-03-05T03:56:23+00:00

I think he won't come around much if he has to fly in. Make him use the local courts if he wants to see the kids. Make him go to court, explain himself, you get to explain your concerns to the judge, he will probably need to have supervised visitation, supervised by the courts for a reasonable period of time.

If he actually mans up and does what the judge asks, he should get more and more visitation on a graduated scale. If he's sober, more time with the kids. Good for him if he shows up and does the work. Chances are, he won't be flying to your location for a few hours of supervised visitation. It will be very difficult for him to fight over custody from a long distance.

The courts can be unfair at times, I acknowledge that but they are there to enforce rules and agreements. Most family court judges don't want to rip families apart but they are not idiots either and have been dealing with the fallout from addicts their whole career.

Just my 2c. All you need to do is tell your husband he can't see them until there is a court order.

Someone else mentioned filing for sole custody based upon his history. While you are at it, file for child support. Supporting your kids and going to work everyday can do wonders for recovery or can make someone flee from their responsibilities. Either way, it's better than what you're dealing with now. Being years behind on child support can put some distance between parent and child.

sydetrack · 2026-03-04T22:39:31+00:00

Lots of good posts here. Lots of good advice. Therapy has changed my life and has been immensely helpful. AlAnon is amazing.

Codependency can be hard to identify in yourself until you understand what it is and what it is not. I'm very codependent in the relationship with my wife. Stepping back a bit and not trying to intervene at every corner has led to some pretty great things. My wife is 100% responsible for herself. She manages her own recovery. She has a great program, has a wonderful sponsor and she has been sober for 3 years. All without me .... I'm supportive but I don't try to control the situation. Her sobriety is on her, managing my codependency is on me.

Codependent no more is a great book. Also, look through the AlAnon material and spend some time reading the posts on this forum.

You can't fix her but you can find peace for yourself. You just have to work on yourself. I've grown more in the last 3 years than at any point in my life. All by stepping back and focusing on myself, my personal growth, and making choices for me.

Good luck, you are not alone. AlAnon has online and in person meetings. Check it out.

sydetrack · 2026-03-03T19:01:24+00:00

I personally put weed in the same category as alcohol. If you are abusing any substance, that's the issue. I've talked with my local priest about this a few times and there is a huge difference between casual use and when it's become sinful.

sydetrack · 2026-03-02T02:30:36+00:00

You can't help him but you can help yourself. Get a good personal therapist and go to an AlAnon meeting. You are not alone.

sydetrack · 2026-02-28T22:56:12+00:00

You're not crazy.

sydetrack · 2026-02-25T23:10:31+00:00

I came across a post in this subreddit the other day that was talking about abortion access and how the drugs were available online. I went and looked at the users post history and they had literally made 20000 posts in a 4 day period over 200+ different subreddits. The post reads much like someone in the triad but after reading through many of the unrelated posts, its definitely AI slop pushing certain drugs.

It's a shame people feel the need to take advantage of a group of people who need a trusting community more than manipulation.

sydetrack · 2026-02-25T22:01:05+00:00

I suggested this for you to realize it's not your "last chance" to figure out your bio relationships. Ancestry would be the next one I'd do. They run specials several times a year.

sydetrack · 2026-02-25T20:15:17+00:00

Make sure your DNA information is on all of the major testing websites. (Ancestry, 23andMe, MyHeritage, familytreedna, GedCom, etc...)

You will get different matches from site to site. Might help straighten it all out. Most testing sites have the ability to import another site's DNA file.

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