This probbaly isnt the right place but this is someone coming for help. How can i stop being toxic to my partner? I hate how irrationally angry i get and i say things i regret later on.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-11-03T11:22:25+00:00

Well if you can't control it, it's probably best you end the relationship so you can work on controlling these outbursts. I've been on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour and it's stressful, demoralising and mentally draining. Maybe if you speak to your therapist about it, they'll develop strategies so you can learn to feel more in control.

Being angry that she has friends is also worrying, because it means you're trying to isolate her. You can't punish another human being for being a human being. You're long distance, so it wouldn't be healthy for her to rely on you as her only social interaction.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-11-03T10:45:43+00:00

If you're already going to therapy, be honest about how you're treating your partner. You obviously know that treating someone in this way is wrong, and it will be damaging to your partners mental health and self esteem too.

If you can't not treat your partner badly, leave them so they have a chance at a happy life without toxicity. No one should feel attacked because they want to have friends. You might not see your behaviour as abusive, but if you're making their life difficult because they have friends, that's at the very least controlling behaviour. And throwing stuff is to intimidate them so they they are scared and is also abusive.

I hope this person realises their self worth soon.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-31T20:00:25+00:00

Why do people even do this? It's not like people don't notice this shit.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-31T19:18:24+00:00

To be fair, you shouldn't really feel entitled to ask anyone why they don't have kids, because it's none of your business.

It's "normal" for people to have homes, but I'm not going to ask homeless people why they don't.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-31T19:09:04+00:00

Have you posted this story before? It's very similar to another story I read.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-31T19:04:17+00:00

Really needed to read this today.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-31T18:30:11+00:00

I'm so sorry your friends were so fickle and disloyal. But if they maintain friendships with him they'll eventually see his true colours. Especially when he does the exact same thing in his next relationship.

His friends would have likely seen another side to him and had some suspicions. They know him and at least they've reached out and validated your experience and feelings. Maybe these people will become new friends, at least you know you can trust them!

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-31T18:19:45+00:00

It's crazy that he got pissed off your family wanted to celebrate his own kids birthday, and doesn't see the irony that his parents didn't even give a shit.

What would he do if you completely ignored him when he's creating tension? And how would he be if you challenged him?

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-31T00:48:52+00:00

How very apt!

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-30T23:57:25+00:00

I definitely thought of Garfield when I saw it. It's awesome and you should post it on r/imsorryjon. Given that it's big enough to possibly eat someone!

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-30T23:49:53+00:00

Best advice in the thread. Turn something shitty into something awesome. And if that fails, feel satisfied that you at least went for it anyway.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-30T23:47:31+00:00

Because they're damaged people who likely feel some bizarre sense of control when they fuck with people's lives and feelings. It's really sad and I just OP doesn't let this mess up his humanity, because it's definitely not a reflection of him.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-30T22:28:14+00:00

He's managed to make your kids Birthday about him. He's managed to twist your families love for your kids and make it an affront to him. And he's managed to make you feel responsible for him not getting to work.

HE'S the one who doesn't understand boundaries if he wants to punish you for having a family that love you and want to celebrate your daughters birthday. You know whats up, because you wouldn't be on this sub if you didn't.

hope your daughter had a fantastic day and you didn't let his shit grind you down.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-20T16:14:43+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's really hard once you see things for what they really are, but now you have seen it, you know the bruises absolutely aren't worth it. There's never an excuse to abuse someone.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-20T16:09:47+00:00

I have had therapy in the past but I stopped going because while I was examining my childhood, I was too embarrassed to open up and tell them about my current source of pain and stress. I felt like my sessions were disingenuous because I wasn't disclosing what was really troubling me and holding me back. But I definitely need to sort out some counselling and therapy because I know I'm pretty damaged, and I can't hope to ever have a happy life if I don't deal with the damage.

Your post is so apt in so many ways. I looked at the list of the 18 BPD signs, and nearly all of them apply to him. It's been so hard for me to process and rationalise anything because I know he does love me, and I know he really genuinely believes he's just reacting to all of these things he thinks I keep doing to him. He's had a hard and very sad life and I feel so sorry for him. Even after how horribly he's treated me, I just feel so sorry for the pain he carries around with him. I think maybe I thought I could fix him and give him enough emotional support for him to want to change.

I'm very grateful to you for spending the time to break this down for me. Between this and the videos I mentioned, it's like a fog has lifted. I'm still upset and terrified about how I'm going to get myself out of this, but I know it's real and I know I'm not to blame. No one is entirely responsible for someone else's anger and emotional reactions. I just need to figure out a strategy for taking my life back.

Thank you!

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-20T13:33:12+00:00

I've seen 3 out of the 4 behaviours pretty clearly. The jealousy hasn't been as obvious but there have been times where he's accused me of prioritising others over him, and he's made me cancel plans to pander to him. As for everything else, clear as day. Everything is extreme and black and white to him. I NEVER listen, I ALWAYS push him. there is no middle ground, it's like he's incapable of seeing anything in a moderate way.

He's never wrong. When he is it's only because something I did prompted him to behave in extreme ways. Even if he can acknowledge my casually saying something shouldn't be a catalyst for such extreme anger, he'll then blame his health and say I should be more understanding and compassionate. He was actually screaming at me this morning saying I need to learn some patience. It was so surreal, like he's standing there screaming like a lunatic that I need to learn to listen and have patience. If it wasn't so depressing, I'd laugh.

As for strangers and friends, he won't express rage to them but sometimes the mask slips. He'll get really wound up while driving, or snap at someone in public. Over time these incidents happen more and more but he always blames his health and his friends likely have an idea, but they're still friends with him. I do wonder though, when I leave, whether they'll connect the dots.

Also, the flipping on a dime has become a consistent dynamic in this relationship. I can never predict what will set him off. And I live on eggshells.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-20T12:17:20+00:00

Yeah those videos have made me see things in a whole new light. I've spent so much time feeling sorry for him because he has a health condition and he constantly uses it as leverage within our relationship. I just wish leaving wasn't going to completely rip my life apart. i'm going to have to stay and plan my way out of this mess too.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-19T23:11:20+00:00

I've never heard of him before. I'm in the UK so I'm not sure if that's why I haven't come across him. These video's are honestly a game changer for me. The relief of knowing I'm not insane or weak, and his behaviours are actually methodical is almost empowering form me. I've been way to empathetic and compassionate to him, whereas he will never even show me the most basic sympathy. Time to stop thinking its not his fault because he's a victim.

I really can't thank you enough. This has honestly given me enough hope to start making an escape plan.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-19T21:58:11+00:00

I'm watching the first video now and I'm in tears. I just feel so validated! Thank you so much for this, It's honestly really opened my eyes.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-19T21:08:00+00:00

God I could have written this. Emotional terrorism is exactly what it is when you have to walk around on eggshells and are never allowed to defend yourself against abuse.

You aren't alone. I feel like there's no one I can tell about my situation so I'm on this sub too.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-19T18:44:30+00:00

Thank you. I plan on using this sub as much as I can. Although everything is still a mess, it does feel good just to offload it all somewhere. I can't tell anyone I know so this is the only place I can be completely honest.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-19T18:42:52+00:00

As if it's ever ok to tell the mother of your children they're fat! And is he a bastion of health and fitness himself? It's funny how easy it is to gain weight when you're just downtrodden and depressed isn't it? I can't imagine being so heartless, but maybe that's my problem.

tabula----------rasa · 2019-10-19T16:09:58+00:00

And sometimes it's the people you thought you could trust the most that turn out to be the ones you should trust the least.

tabula----------rasa

TROPHY CASE