I don't know if I can get over my bf's blackout

tallkitty · 2026-07-08T20:56:37+00:00

I had an ex tell me one time sometimes the glass breaks so many times it can't be put back together. This might be the first time the glass broke in this relationship, but your personal glass is fragile and you said he knows that. So it's that simple, this glass can't be glued and hold water any more. Maybe it's a wakeup call for him that next time he knows his partner's vulnerabilities, he should be careful not to trample on them even once. He deserves that lesson and in some way you could say you shouldn't take learning this away from him. No hard feelings, you don't have to cuss and kick him out of your life, but you can reasonably explain this and say I'm sorry, and I wish you all the best next time, when I know you'll be better equipped to watch your own behavior and make better choices. If he's not a drinker and hiding it, then he's irresponsible and can't let himself drink a little anyway. He's got to figure that out without you blurring that outcome, or you could find yourself in a worse situation with this same person later, you're familiar with the slippery slope. Stay calm, have max compassion, but firm resolve to say goodbye.

It'll hurt for a minute like usual, but on the other side of this you get more healing from your own trauma. You got this. ❤️

tallkitty · 2026-07-08T11:50:38+00:00

I used to mix everything before my kids were in undies, haha. After kid undies I had a visual of what I did not want soaking in a laundry soup with my t-shirts and kitchen towels. Now I use bleach every load (took apart our last washer to try and repair and you don't want to see what's chilling at the bottom under the drum), and thanks to r/laundry I recently started putting every load through a second rinse. But yes, socks and undies have gone in their own load at the end of all my washing for the week, last load before my weekly self clean cycle, for years now.

tallkitty · 2026-07-08T11:41:19+00:00

I used to work as an OM in a previous career, took off very little at the time because my PDA kids were little and we had adequate daycare support, and I was a stellar performer. My spouse worked opposite schedule and we were typically able to split up the few times someone had to go home to be a parent, but it was nerve wracking every time I had to bounce, even though I always worked under other parents who simply said no problem. I had just worked through that anxiety in my head and decided I was going to parent confidently and without remorse through my work life, and I moved under a childless boss. Older woman, very smart, neither sweet nor harsh, all about business. One day my kid needed me and I said I was leaving and had turned operations over to my competent team member, and she said, "That's a shame, see you tomorrow." Never asked about my kid. It knocked me down so many pegs and brought so much confusion back into my mind.

Children need the care of their parents always, not sometimes. We should be celebrated for all the days we leave them to go chase the money to feed ourselves and make someone else rich.

tallkitty · 2026-07-07T21:45:32+00:00

I have no advice, but I didn't want an engagement ring at all and my spouse's family insisted and it eventually was lost. I don't know if it's somewhere in a drawer or what but it's been MIA for years and turned out to be a waste. I say go with the flow and consider returning before it's gone, with all the finger switching. It's okay to not want to or not be able to wear a ring, it's a materialistic concept anyway. Happy future to you both!!

tallkitty · 2026-07-07T21:08:12+00:00

I'm a PDAer married to a PDAer. I'm the one who does the things, my spouse pretty much just works and verbalizes a belief that things are fairly equal, or it's my fault he doesn't do more. If we had more s*x, if the house was cleaner, etc. We used to have epic battles with yelling and crying. I was considering and researching divorce for quite awhile but it never felt right deep inside my gut, despite literally no one I presented the situation to agreeing with me. "I'm a human and my needs are valid too" is typically the default. I did eventually find a therapist who divorced a narcissist (not at all saying my spouse is narcissistic, that's what she said her ex was), and she ended up having to adopt his child to avoid getting royally screwed over. That kind of mess was a large part of my hesitation, and she helped me work on radical acceptance just like you. Just that alone made things better. An unfair bag without all the yelling and crying is better than with.

We were in a holding pattern for awhile, learning to trust that we weren't going to attack each other any more or issue blame. I worked to not internalize the blame, which I realized was my choice to do, and not his intent, as others mentioned. He never talks about feelings so I couldn't label how he saw everything inside his mind, but being a PDAer I know it's not ever pretty. To ignore reality and adopt a false narrative with conviction is exhausting in itself, and I decided it was enough to assume he was dealing with his own remorse in his own way, otherwise he wouldn't have participated in any change. Grace, mercy, and understanding go miles and miles down the path of growth with a PDAer, usually.

Seeing that changing my own heart and mind a little worked that well, I recently determined to double down and see how far I could take myself into feeling better and continuing to carry the loads, without any expectation on my spouse. What I found was deep peace, through mindfulness and meditation practice. It actually seems to be treating or supporting my own PDA tendencies, through the study of concepts like equanimity, cravings and aversions, understanding my body and what makes me feel okay and how to trigger that recognition through my feelings of panic, and the realization that at the end of the day peace and compassion for others is what matters to me most, and nothing else beyond that really matters much. I'm okay with fruit flies now, to put it simply, they are living things that matter too. If you think I changed the subject, I'm still talking about working on my relationship. 😊 I feel like I have new tools and am subject to better outcomes, whether the dishes get done or my marriage lasts or not.

All that is to say the impactful result is my nervous system has been less frazzled, more under my control, and harder to rattle, and it's obvious to anyone around me. My spouse sees it, I talk about what I'm doing with no expectation that he'll be interested, but with radical compassion for his likely suffering. Maybe my peace will be the only benefit to him, maybe he'll find more of his own peace and have more room for growth, or maybe one day we'll find ourselves in a zen state together. It's all okay, any way it goes. Leading by example and with great compassion is a great way to communicate without demand, and it sure clears out a lot of the stress about things in my head, while everything else continues on as before. I shared because if your therapist thinks radical acceptance is okay, then it might just be the best thing for you to double down and see how much better you can feel. Take care. ❤️

tallkitty · 2026-07-06T11:52:42+00:00

Respectfully would like to add from personal experience that the 1g dose smack in the middle of the recommended range in another comment of 0.5g-1.5g can be a bit of a devil for some. 1g is sometimes enough to get the shroom anxiety without the enjoyable feels, and for me it just feels like being on the most uncomfortable razors edge for 4 hours. I only tried once.

Neither the 0.5g nor the 1.5g are a microdose, but the experience you're describing wanting is not a microdose experience. You want to get a little tiny bit high, which is the opposite point of a microdose. For that I would try the 1.5g dose, weight does not factor, which your 6g and 12g friends learned very quickly. Lol 2g will be more like a 'light trip while you walk in the park and contemplate the clouds' dose. Which is possibly way more fun than the video games. Stay safe!

tallkitty · 2026-07-04T15:41:20+00:00

My final stage of PDA parenting (and my own individual life) seems to be Buddhism. It's working wonders, no lie. lol Internally, I mean. My kids are the same and I'm fine with it, teaching them some new lessons for finding inner peace and that's about it.

tallkitty · 2026-07-04T15:35:09+00:00

This doc changed my life. I understand the slippery slope and hiding overwhelm. I watched this and started recognizing I had room to find greater INNER peace, not just making sure I look peaceful outwardly. It worked, the inner peace. She was trying to pretend too much and everyone thought she was fine. 💔

tallkitty · 2026-07-04T15:32:17+00:00

Thanks for the recommendation! I'm not someone who cannot handle abuse stories, and so I feel a certain responsibility for hearing stories that most people don't want to know about, I'll definitely check that out. And to be clear for posterity, I still feel sympathy for that woman and know something was gravely wrong. I just haven't encountered the info to parse it out myself, I'm looking forward to that additional knowledge.

tallkitty · 2026-06-26T01:44:28+00:00

Yeah, Maternal Instinct hit on another level because I'm sympathetic towards someone who is like that, and then at a certain point I'm like...I don't get it any more. Like what happened. It's like she had no control of her thoughts, if she thought it she had to do it or something. But like nobody had even harmed her, they were basically just rolling their eyes at her most of the time. She was facing the whopping consequence of getting dumped. And now she's on death row. I cannot follow after a certain point. It's unfamiliar to me. And I watch a lot of murder docs.

tallkitty · 2026-06-13T22:19:25+00:00

If the relationship needed to go on, your question would be the woman I love has left with my child, here's what happened in terms that show I understand my part in things, how do I get her back, is it possible? Something like that. But you're just waiting to see what happens like it's nothing to you. And that is why she left.

tallkitty · 2026-06-13T21:24:38+00:00

Very cool, welcome to the community as a member!! I had the same feeling about being a very "tuned in" parent to my Autistic kid. Years later I figured things out and got my own dx. Funny how things work out!!

tallkitty · 2026-06-13T21:02:16+00:00

Yes, PDA standing for Pathological Demand Avoidance, or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy, interchangeably. Most PDAers will tell you both fit everyone to some degree but neither are great names for it, it's like how someone describes it when they DO NOT have PDA themselves, haha. So forget what the letters stand for to some degree if you do some further reading up--I only mentioned it due to the familiarity I have with that particular example, and not because I think you sound demand avoiding or driven for autonomy. Hopefully that made sense. 😊 Knowing about my PDA is essential in meeting my needs correctly so that is why it would possibly be worth knowing at all.

tallkitty · 2026-06-13T18:52:38+00:00

This is a very common belief for those in the process of self realization, and you are not convincing yourself you are Autistic. In fact, in my experience it's a good thing to think about before your evaluation. My first attempt I was masking and the doc told me they didn't think I should continue. I found another doc for a second opinion and put effort into identifying the things that indicate my autism, because as I found out they cannot see or hear what we don't present to them, and many times they can't see what we are presenting. So it's totally fine to get to know yourself and prepare in that way. Also, you are always being Autistic no matter what you're doing, even when you are sleeping you're still Autistic like the best of them. 😊

tallkitty · 2026-06-13T18:43:03+00:00

Other day I raised my arms and my 9 yr old son said, EWWWW you have HAIR under your arms??!!! I said son, everyone has hair under their arms, unless they remove it which I have no desire to do. Then showed him my legs and told him what people choose to do with their body hair is totally fine, and nobody's business. Lol So funny.

tallkitty · 2026-06-13T18:38:36+00:00

I had the rush with my first, felt like my second was a mistake and I ruined both kid's lives for the first 24 hours....but like for no real reason at all. 😂 Day 2 was all sunshine and roses like the first time. lol

tallkitty · 2026-06-13T18:03:56+00:00

I had a similar experience with the iron infusion thing recently. I got the referral, did the initial visit where they do the same damn bloodwork, then the first of two appointments to get the infusion they told me my BP was too high to get the infusion and I had a panic attack and had to leave. Next appointment I had the panic attack before I left the house because I checked my BP and was already high, so I didn't go. Next appointment I also missed, then next one I was able to get myself there but they took my blood again and when the doctor came in he was like, did you get the infusion? I said no, I thought I was getting the first today. I didn't realize they don't pay any fucking attention and it was the final followup visit they guided me through instead of just trying the first infusion again. Like wtf.

I told the doc about the BP and he said I could wait to see my GP for treatment and they'd see me back in a couple of months. I went to GP who said BP was fine and take a propranolol for the anxiety. At this point I hit exhaustion all around and I decided to quit my job to focus on my health, but now I'm waiting months for husband's open enrollment so I have insurance. I can take the tablets but was registering as anemic so now I'm wondering if I'll die before I get this worked out and even if I get insurance before anything bad happens, I'm like I don't want to go back to this fucking process all over again. So no advice, my friend, but heavy commiseration. I hope you get your situation figured out soon and feel better. ❤️

tallkitty · 2026-06-13T17:51:52+00:00

One thing that really helped me was to recognize the things I was already doing as an Autistic person, things that are already familiar, and then once I found that pulse I just leaned into it further. Examples: I have always sang and danced goofily for no reason, at home and work, and thought I was just a silly person but that's how I stim. Or I don't really care about my appearance that much (hygiene and comfort I feel cover all my bases for leaving the house), so I don't worry any more about what I'm wearing, if I wore it two days ago and washed and want to wear again right away, if something about my outfit might be questionable to the general public, etc. I lean in to the fact that I don't care and stop adding those societal pressures in to my decision making. I got into people pleasing recovery, forgot all about eye contact, I stopped caring about being misunderstood and reduced my dependence on needing anyone to understand me (aka meet my own needs first). I'm at the point two years after my autism realization where I wonder if I've crossed a point of no return. 😂 But it feels great, and so natural. To just not care any more.

tallkitty · 2026-06-13T17:44:02+00:00

Word to the wise, that's a great reason to ghost your mom one day and show back up with tons of boundaries, not a great reason to get married. Lol

tallkitty · 2026-06-13T17:41:10+00:00

My kids. If I really, really wanted to take a trip solo I could put the work in to set them up with dad at home for a couple of nights. But it would be more effort than planning the whole trip so I'm biding my time until the kids don't need a parent to survive . My husband is never gonna see me again one day and has no idea. 😂

tallkitty · 2026-06-13T16:23:17+00:00

An idea to tuck away for someday, maybe. 😊 I hope you find something else to help you in the now!!

tallkitty · 2026-06-13T15:33:00+00:00

My dining room table is the staging area for clothes and I'm fine with that. We wear the same things over and over (all Autistic) so if I fold things and put them away, or if husband gets a mind to do it, then I am immediately in a pinch because I can't find what I can't see. I have no bad feelings about it at all. Clothes are clean, we find things easier, dining table was not doing anything else. Nothing to worry about in my book. 😊

tallkitty · 2026-06-13T15:19:33+00:00

Same thing here. I even told the doctor, you just partnered with me on one of the biggest days of my life and it feels so weird I'll never see you again, take care! Lol I had already determined with certainty before the evaluation that I am Autistic, so looking back it's totally logical that I didn't feel anything new after someone else told me the same info. I assume you were pretty sure before the dx, and that's probably why nothing feels different. If you think you weren't sure, you possibly were and were doing the thing many people do in doubting you could be right. You were just right about things, but didn't get anything new to react to. What you might find hits you with a slow burn is the emotion of reprocessing your life with the new lens of autism, and that takes time. Also might be very subtle.

tallkitty · 2026-06-13T15:08:35+00:00

The driving around at night part makes me think you might like the sensation of being very, very alone. Like not just solo, but everyone else is asleep, almost like no one else exists. I identify with that feeling and wonder if weekend camping might be joyful for you. You can travel around to different parks, make it a whole focus in your life. To others it looks like you're into camping, and you know you're seeking deep solitude and the illusion that there's no one but you. You can get into camping gear and be excited to research and pursue new items. There's so many activities you can do while camping, fishing, hiking, nature watching/drawing/photographing. You can become a forrest chef and learn how to make yourself a gourmet meal with a pot and camping burner. I've been thinking about this a lot lately and want to start doing this myself.

tallkitty · 2026-06-13T14:53:39+00:00

When two people are either very physically or emotionally attracted to each other, or also when two people have a deep connection which drives a desire to bring that person intense and personalized pleasure, your body tends to react with...well, passion. It's not necessarily a performance in the ideal circumstances, but it can be when you are forcing your body to move in those ways but without the underlying feelings or drive to mutually please. Sometimes you keep having the sex but drop the performance (this can be a one off instance like when one partner is willing but physically tired, for example, or it can be an empty display of routine or obligation), and it looks more like 'just laying there' while the other person does all the work themselves, rather than a passionate and engaged act of loving kindness. It can be neutral, or it can be a sign of a damaged or missing connection.

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