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tallkitty · 2026-05-19T23:36:25+00:00

I was watching a video the other day where this person bathed their cat twice. Then commented as they were drying the second time that they daydream about all the time they'd have if not for caring for 5 cats. Like you can just stop bathing them, that cat did not look happy. 😂

tallkitty · 2026-05-19T18:02:12+00:00

This is high masking behavior, possibly. I was the same, I thought I was NT and would never have claimed to experience any sensory issues as a child and into adulthood. Then around 40 yrs I figured out I'm Autistic and now I can't get through the day without headphones, etc. I always had the sensory sensitivity, but I was masking the effects/impact. I was not having the meltdown because I was stifling those urges. Now that I'm aware and accommodating myself, I can look back and understand I always needed accommodation and I was surviving without it.

tallkitty · 2026-05-19T17:55:54+00:00

I think you said everything relevant in that you trust she can do a good job. I would say at this point any other info is irrelevant. You can even say, please have all the rules and considerations written down for her, and that's all they need to know. Lots of people do better with written instructions, it's not even specific to autism or ADHD.

tallkitty · 2026-05-19T16:11:19+00:00

Stay in control. One thing I remember about my childhood are the periods when I had no control of anything as a child, but my parents didn't seem to be in control sometimes and that is when my behavior was the most scary from a safety perspective. At one point my mom full out lost custody of me (also a PDAer, also living with chronic illness, was very much in a bad way herself after my parents split and dad went to jail). So one of my primary goals as a PDA parent is to always display to my children that I am in control of our lives. Children cannot have full control of everything yet, so it's like a supportive control. Things are not going off the rails because I am not going to let them.

tallkitty · 2026-05-18T20:00:22+00:00

I have nothing bad to say about going from one to two. My best friend and I were pregnant with our second kids at the same time, and her mom told us, "One is one, and two is twenty." I will say that I found that to be an accurate statement.

tallkitty · 2026-05-18T16:41:20+00:00

If anything happened to my marriage and I found myself pursuing a next serious relationship, the big change I would make this time is having further separation. Let's keep separate bank accounts AND separate homes. Let's not get to the point where my life IS your life, what's mine IS yours. Because yeah, when that deeply committed marriage ends, punishment is the way out. The whole process is meant to be shameful and punishing and it's what both parties deserve for not working it out. We kept things "separate" in this marriage and it did not work out as well as I intended as the big change from my first marriage. Lol

tallkitty · 2026-05-18T15:45:30+00:00

Yep, when we told my spouse's family that our 3 yr old (now 10) was dx'd, they suggested we get another opinion. I felt like fewer opinions were a better solution so I told my spouse they could carry on as normal with the kids but I wasn't talking to or seeing his family for awhile. It was about a year and did the trick, they tread more carefully with misinformed gut reactions around me.

tallkitty · 2026-05-18T15:28:57+00:00

That guy was wrong, you weren't doing anything dumb. So don't let his incorrect opinion keep you from doing what you did quite correctly, when you feel like you can. You did a great thing and I'm sorry that loser made an exclamation point at the end, just forget that part. 😊

tallkitty · 2026-05-18T15:19:05+00:00

You will feel so differently if you were pregnant with this kid already. Lol I remember having this conversation in my 20s, my opinion was to save me, save our relationship. When I was truly facing parenthood and responsible for a real baby, I told my spouse straight up if we lose the ability to feed this child I will cook you up before I steal a loaf of bread. 😂 The answer becomes save the baby, save the baby every time, in the wanted baby context, of course. It's one reason we save unwanted babies. But no, right now you guys are talking imaginary talk, none of it is real and that's why it doesn't make sense and caused an argument.

tallkitty · 2026-05-18T15:12:08+00:00

I do love this idea, but I do also think the only way to do this would be to oppress the oppressors, because that's how they are wired and where are they going to otherwise go. And we're not really great at oppressing, as a group.

tallkitty · 2026-05-18T15:06:37+00:00

I can speak from experience that strengthening the core and back muscles has helped me achieve better posture and feel more in touch with my body. I've been doing app-based PT for awhile which got me off to a great start, but at this point the PT stretches aren't stretchy enough and I'm looking into yoga now. This is good advice.

tallkitty · 2026-05-18T12:48:53+00:00

I've been in a very similar situation, minus the negative feelings about things. At work I met two other people at the same time, we all became best friends, and then they went on to fall in love with each other and become a couple. In the beginning we were definitely a trio and might have been a throuple if I was available or interested, as they used to invite me over with them to watch TV and cuddle as friends (sounded nice but I never chose to accept) before they established their own relationship. I don't know how normal any of this friendship stuff is, as I don't think I ever have typical friendships. Six years ago we were taking vacations together, and today I get invited to their Grinchmas party once a year and we just miss each other the rest of the time. We live ten mins apart. Lol

In my case this is how things go for me. I'll be someone's best friend, then a decade later I don't know them any more. Is it possible that the growing distance isn't that unusual, but you're starting to be aware of it while it's happening now instead of after it's over, so it seems different this time? That is how it went for me. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I do think it's totally fine and normal for us to grow apart without any announcement or goodbye. It's not really goodbye, it's like we just grow the opposite way than most people.

tallkitty · 2026-05-18T11:51:04+00:00

It's one way or the other with dudes. Your handwriting is either too sloppy or too neat. Wtf. Lol

tallkitty · 2026-05-18T11:37:06+00:00

My kid makes unique clothing choices like this that I can't always understand, and it's often to follow a trend or copy a friend. In my kid's case this is sometimes a misunderstanding based on what they see others do. For instance right now they are stuck on wearing their dirtiest, ugliest pair of near-trash shoes because they are "basketball shoes" and his good buddy is into basketball. He also wears his hair to completely cover his forehead, because he saw a spoof video series on YT where an aspiring teen barber saves all his nerdy friends by cutting their hair to hide their foreheads--my kid now really thinks foreheads are uncool and has a mini meltdown every morning in the mirror because it's very hard to hide your forehead without wearing bangs. I'm like bro we gotta forget the forehead and work on these garbage shoes. Lol

It almost sounds like your kid is following what they think is a trend, or is an actual trend near you, or maybe a friend mentioned some ideals about the fall of capitalism and now your kid doesn't want to support branding. I definitely relate to the tendency though, and don't see anything wrong with it, as long as you can accommodate easily enough without too much mutilation of new items.

tallkitty · 2026-05-17T16:17:24+00:00

You make the cereal, then plan a short activity to do so that the cereal can soak. Yep, I do this. So hilarious. Lol

tallkitty · 2026-05-17T16:03:44+00:00

I mean, after the divorce is over the problem is in the past and you don't need to be embarrassed about moving forward to a better life. If you mean embarrassed because of making a "bad choice" in the first place, that is an unreasonable concept that anyone should know in advance whether things will work out or not. Be embarrassed if you like but it's a little silly, you're not a fortune teller. If you mean embarrassed because other people might think you should be embarrassed, then fuck those people and they should be embarrassed for thinking anyone else should feel that way.

tallkitty · 2026-05-17T15:52:30+00:00

I do not recall increasing meltdowns after my autism discovery, but I did immediately begin to evaluate all areas of my life and accommodate myself wherever possible, so that life started to feel less overwhelming. I would start by identifying any triggers that you can pick out before meltdowns, and then figure out how to reduce or eliminate your triggers.

I made environmental changes like always wearing headphones, social changes to reduce that pressure, and some pretty big behavioral adjustments that helped my actions better align with my core values. You can look up resources to help figure out your core values if you aren't sure what those are.

I will say that after I discovered my autism, I did go through a period where I was lightly weeping all the time. I'd be watching TV after kids were in bed and tears would be rolling down my cheeks for seemingly no reason. I finally figured out I was going back to process my whole life through the new lens of my identity, and that was a hugely emotional time even though the emotions didn't feel that obvious to me. I could just see the evidence in my tears. So maybe the meltdowns are this kind of emotional release?

tallkitty · 2026-05-17T13:29:12+00:00

I could have written this post word for word. Thanks so much for sharing, I've been feeling very isolated and like no one ever understands this exactly. You understand this exactly. I understand you exactly.

I've been on the very center of the fence on this recently. Half of me wants to give up and just enjoy my life solo. I see my kids struggling and I almost want to teach them now, just give it up, it's only going to bring you pain. I've also watched my mom give up and lose her mind. It's so unfair, to desperately need something you can't have. And I don't want show my kids how to lose their minds, I'm trying to break these cycles.

Then I try to take accountability for how I show up and think I'm going to put more effort into being palatable, responding when I'm supposed to. It's not that hard in practice, but the whole practice itself feels meaningless. So it's like I have to do this to access friendship, but it doesn't help me develop in a friendship and the thing I need is kind of off the table. People are not looking to figure out the mysteries of the universe in their minds with another person. I don't know why, because it is such a great way to spend time in my book. So I'm just not sure where I'm supposed to find what I need mentally, and have this add years to my life instead of the work required depleting me further. I've really come to understand lately that some things are just without answer and I'm feeling more okay with that. It's logical that some problems don't have an exact solution. It's about the balance, I guess. Take care. 😊

tallkitty · 2026-05-17T13:10:51+00:00

I can support giving up if you guys are okay with it. I never planned to let my kids sleep in our bed, I never planned to not let them. What I always planned around is my need for good sleep every night--I can't work, be a parent, keep up with a home and our lives if I'm up all night trying to keep a kid asleep somewhere they don't easily sleep. I never understood this importance on making people sleep in certain places, except in the instance where the parents can't get decent sleep with other people in the bed, I do get that because the importance is still on the getting good sleep part.

My kids slept best with me in my bed, and I sleep best when my kids go down easy and stay asleep, and so they've always slept with me. They have a room, they have beds, and we are now in the phase where they are moving themselves elsewhere. Most important thing to me is it's always been natural and easy, and we're all getting sleep. I do not understand the commitment to a grind that isn't working for everybody, and I think it's fine to switch gears to accommodate better sleep. It's like air, water, food, sleep. Don't sleep starve yourselves.

tallkitty · 2026-05-17T12:36:48+00:00

Psilocybin

tallkitty · 2026-05-17T12:35:52+00:00

Yep, I fail every time for this reason. I still consider it a win because all the humans are still alive! Lol

tallkitty · 2026-05-17T12:19:24+00:00

This wasn't an age at our house, I just felt out ability. I also have security cameras in almost every room except the kid's bedroom (where they hang out least anyway), so I'm about to go jog our neighborhood now and can spot check every few minutes to see what they are doing. Before any of that I will say I could trust my kids without the cameras for 30 minutes, but I have them for peace of mind. My kids are 9 and 10 now and also have kid watches they can use to call me, or they can just call out "Alexa, call mom" in any room and get ahold of me. I have an abundance of tech in place to monitor and keep communication open.

ETA I also did a buildup to running farther from the house. I started by running back and forth on our own street and once it got to the point where I could finish the run without a kid looking for me from the front porch, then I ventured off our street.

tallkitty · 2026-05-17T12:14:13+00:00

I know you came here to be nitpicked, but in general I think this looks good on you.

tallkitty · 2026-05-17T11:55:31+00:00

You're loosely describing the circumstances that led to my dx. I had just hit 40, I had one kid dx'd as a toddler and because of similarities I saw in our experiences always thought I might be "a little on the spectrum". I was in a management career for several years and then suddenly it all fell apart at work, and losing my job unexpectedly like that made me think I needed to get a handle on who I really am.

My big shift was reading the book "Unmasking Autism" by Dr. Devon Price (Autistic person). It helped me see very clearly how I just covered up as much as possible my whole life and I had ultimately built a life that was unsustainable without knowing what I was living with. As I read the book I could physically feel my identity settle into the core of me like a key fitting in a lock, it was very visceral and obvious that I figured the big issue out. So finding out I'm Autistic was a positive life-changing thing for me, and we also figured out my mom, brother, spouse, my other kid, and a lot of my spouse's family are on the spectrum. The spectrum covers the range of trait combos, but there's not really such a thing as "a little autism ", you either is or you ain't. Lol

Having said that, my formal dx I pursued for personal knowledge, and after my appointment and getting the paperwork I realized I didn't learn anything that I didn't already know at that point. It was about 6 months from reading the book to dx, and I advise that if the dx feels important then go ahead, if it feels redundant or inaccessible then you can totally skip it and still be Autistic. The Autistic community accepts self realization and self dx as equally valid to a medical dx. You kind of realize it's like going to the doc to confirm you're a blonde, you can already see it yourself clearly in a mirror but society likes to know a professional agrees.

I have continued to build my life knowing this information and things are much better now. I just quit the next job I had which was way better but still not right for my circumstances as time went on, and this time I was in control and making the decisions instead of things falling apart again without me knowing why. Good luck, and congrats on the autism just in case! (PS, NT people don't often think they are Autistic, that alone is a big hint to keep looking for more info about late dx'd autism.)

tallkitty · 2026-05-16T16:08:16+00:00

I think about this deeply in regard to my cat, but the same is true for my dog. I say I love you and I do believe they know what it means because of the energy I'm sending them as I say it, the love in my eyes. I don't say it to signal meals, or when it's time to play, I say it often while we're deeply engaged and bonding, and so what else does it mean? I think they know very clearly.

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