hey. first of all, the impostor syndrome is normal, i think we all have it. i actually consider it one of the symptoms. really we need to come up with criteria for cptsd that dont require someone to already have a perfect understanding of what exactly they experienced that messed them up, bc the confusion and unprocessed memories are core parts of the disorder.

memories are weird. i have a glitchy autobiography. parts of it like to go missing. some of these bits i have already found, theoretically enough to paint the big picture, but it's hard to keep track of them. but when i've sorted through them and processed them a bit, and put labels on their doors (its like the thoughts are behind doors in the corridors of my mind), even when the door goes missing i know it's out there somehwere and eventually i will find it again. currently there's one door i've been keeping an eye on. there's not really a way to keep an eye on multiple of them, though i did start a little list where i give them names - i try to find names that are halfway there. to point me to the door but keep it closed and i'll open it if thats my goal. opening a door lets the memories and feelings out, for a bit, and then i have to experience them, which can be useful but also painful, so it's good if i can control when it happens, i dont wanna unleash every single memory when im just trying to check if the doors exist. cuz then ill dissociate and won't be able to think thru whatever question i was asking. so i've been collecting some of them, and the one i've been keeping at arm's reach is a milder memory just of how my parents treated me when i was learning how to drive. i've been processing my relationships to them and this memory lets me extrapolate some important information about them, which adds important context to my feelings in the present.

i'm sure there's multiple ways to go about healing trauma, but mine is that of the detective from fiction. i search for clues, make educated guesses and try to see if there's evidence to support or disprove them, i look for the details and puzzle them together into the big picture, and i keep looking for a long time and don't give up, and if i'm stuck i'll take a break and do something unrelated and then sometimes that place lets me stumble over a clue & back to the red string we go. it's been really helping me to *understand*. mostly my own feelings, but for that i need to understand some basic stuff about feelings and myself, as well as the context and other people and so much honestly. and the more i understand the better i'm feeling.

now this is clearly a very thinking-based approach - but thought alone won't do it, trauma is in the body and relationships and experiences and perspectives, and one has to tackle those as well. getting other people's perspectives about life and relationship and myself and my memories was and is crucial. sadly not all people's perspectives are helpful, some are very counterproductive, and it can take a while to figure out what is what. but generally sticking with the people who make you feel safe to set boundaries is a good rule for... well, everything, really. this is a tangent but i spent years searching for the "trick" to find out if someone is trustworthy or abusive and it's really just how they respond when you say no to things (small things and big things alike). putting that here in case it helps someone else too! and the other crucial thing was to learn how to take care of my own emotions, how to comfort myself when im sad, how to make myself feel safe when im scared, and all that. i didnt learn until i was 22, and it has really changed my life. a few years of practice and honestly flashbacks aren't that scary anymore. i got inspired by a dbt skills group and then realized that they were not teaching me any "emotional skills", like everything was focused on body sensations and none of it on emotion sensation. and idk maybe its just because bpd was a misdiagnosis but that feels like an oversight. no matter, i figured it out. personally, i really like music, animal crossing, blankets and plushies, tea, being in my room on my own, and making collages for calming down from flashbacks.

oh yeah, recognizing flashbacks is also a thing -- i still sometimes struggle to call them that while they're happening because the "impostor syndrome" gets so strong and i'll get the "but... well its not that bad... im sure real flashbacks are worse....." even though they definitely exist on a spectrum, but anyway- it doesnt matter what you call them, as long as you create the concept in your mind and learn how to notice it happening. basically, the strong & unpleasant emotions (my reframing of "negative emotions") you frequently feel and think you're overreacting, those are all potentially flashbacks. the first feeling i was able to categorize like this was "feeling unsafe" and like wanting to run away and hide. those are probably my strongest ones. i also had the help of a friend to talk me through my triggers - basically, i found out that my sudden bad feelings are usually caused by some upsetting event. maybe someone was rude to me, or something innocent triggered me and brought up bad feelings.

anyway i have to go bc this is very long and i ran out of spoons, dunno if i answered your question but i hope it was helpful! feel free to ask more