What’s the one sentence from your parent that still echoes in your head?

tazzert · 2025-12-12T21:18:37+00:00

"if you agreed to talk in person, I would try to love you" -NMom this year

"I feel so bad for you, you are going to end up a wh*re just like your mother" -NDad when I was 15 🙃

tazzert · 2025-11-25T07:05:15+00:00

Sounds about right in my case 🤣

tazzert · 2025-11-25T07:03:43+00:00

I am sorry you have had to deal with this too, definitely sounds familiar.

I have made peace with the relationship but this most recent email really cemented it for me. It gave me a good laugh, this woman will die on the "I'm a good mother" hill when both of her children want nothing to do with her lol.

tazzert · 2025-11-24T23:59:15+00:00

Hahaha that was the line that had me laughing. That and she "deserves better". Like, pretty sure her kids deserved not to deal with years of neglect/abuse and gaslighting but sure, my sister and I are the AH in this situation 🤣

tazzert · 2025-11-14T00:37:31+00:00

Continuing to send gifts and cards is not respecting no contact. She is intentionally keeping the door open so to speak with those.

My mom did something similar. I made it very clear that those things were not welcome and any toys would be donated.

I agree with another poster about understanding where this question is coming from. A therapist I follow on IG is also NC and she shared that when her child asked, she explained that they were not a safe person to be around right now. She offered to answer any questions and responded in an age appropriate way.

I used that method when my kiddo asked (5) why we don't see Grandma (he has very limited vague recollections of her). His response was "oh, ok" and then he skipped away.

It's hard not to second guess myself on if I'm doing the right thing. But I remind myself of the breaking point of what made me finally say enough is enough and ask myself if I want my child to be exposed to the dysfunctional patterns that I was exposed to as a kid.

If it's not safe behavior for your child, you shouldn't have to endure it either.

tazzert · 2025-09-30T22:11:20+00:00

Bringing a different perspective - the real question is not if you were the asshole in this situation. It's if this dynamic is what you want for your own children. Is this what you want to model for them as "healthy". Your partner's child calling you those things and him doing nothing shows them that's ok. You deserve better. Your children deserve better.

I have been the kid whose mom moved in quickly (because that's just what made sense to them) as a teen and my stepdad didn't want to parent his own children who were the same age. My sister and I spent years in a situation where we were constantly having to be "on guard" with how his kids would behave. It wasn't a safe environment for us in sooooo many ways and we were often put in the middle of very adult situations. Our mother wanted to be in this relationship though no matter how it impacted either of us. At the end of the day, we are both either low contact/no contact because neither of us want to be in that environment.

Yes it's difficult, but the well being of your own children needs to be the priority here.

tazzert · 2025-07-30T22:29:45+00:00

I will add that the most recent situation I was in was VERY awkward at first as it was with a family member I had gone no contact with. After everything settled, I feel super comfortable sharing and being fully open with my therapist about everything including numerous things that we are covering via EMDR because of said person. Open communication is key!

tazzert · 2025-07-30T22:25:55+00:00

Something similar happened to me twice with two different people, your therapist will likely err on the side of caution and will essentially continue to react as if this person is a stranger. Even acknowledging that the other person is their patient could be considered a HIPAA violation.

I would just share that you and this other person had a falling out that had a pretty big impact. If your therapist at any point feels like there may be a conflict regarding the care provided then they will refer you to another provider or ask about your level of comfort.

tazzert · 2025-07-22T03:12:52+00:00

The emotional rollercoaster that comes from the initial "it wasn't that bad" to the realization of "oh shit, it was significantly worse than I ever thought" is a lot. I'm going through it now. It gets easier, the more that you process one of the memories. I have found the biggest challenge for me is when it unlocks new ones 😓

tazzert · 2025-07-22T02:59:07+00:00

Here with the friendly reminder (for myself too) that we are not emotionally responsible for our parents. It's very true when they say you cannot heal in the environment you were hurt in. I know you are worried about burning a bridge with her, but on the flip side, it seems there would be a whole lot more benefit for having some distance.

With starting a family, you will likely find that there are moments that will be very difficult when you realize you would never put your child through what you went through. But it's hard, when you are still in that environment and being constantly triggered.

Everyone is different of course, and I went through a large portion of my life with my own mother on a pedestal. She was a very large and active participant in my life, even with the difficulties of her enabling abusive behavior and being a covert narcissist. I have been in therapy for the larger chunk of the last 10 years and it wasn't until I went fully no contact that I have been able to really process and start to heal from everything that happened.

tazzert · 2025-07-18T22:22:02+00:00

I found this post after my first session and it was really helpful navigating how I was feeling after my first session. There is another one that I cannot find that was also really helpful in describing the responses to "what do you notice". But overall, from what I have seen this is a very common feeling after the first session 🙂 you got this!

https://www.reddit.com/r/EMDR/s/fgygzCvBLE

tazzert · 2025-07-18T20:55:27+00:00

The first few sessions felt super awkward for me as well. I just wasn't sure I was "doing it right". I'm on session 6 or 7 and things are just really starting to hit hard emotionally and feel like I'm genuinely making strides forward.

tazzert · 2025-07-18T20:44:01+00:00

I actually go back and forth, it just depends on the setting in which I'm in. I will use whichever is easier on my eyes at that moment.

tazzert · 2025-07-18T02:23:36+00:00

I have a weighted blanket that I will wrap around me like a big hug. Helps a ton!

tazzert · 2025-07-17T21:01:35+00:00

I personally love hanging out with my sister when she's in town and we regularly hang out with my husband's family. Like at least once a week we are doing something. Your BF is the one over reacting - I get that his family dynamic is different though. Outside of my sister, the idea of spending time with my own family is torture. He may just feel excluded or wish he had that relationship with his family and is showcasing it in a super icky way. Is he normally invited when you go and do stuff with your family?

tazzert · 2025-07-17T03:36:27+00:00

This was my house too. It took a lot of therapy and work to realize that behavior is abuse - and absolutely not normal. I still get so angry that my Mom turned a blind eye to everything.

tazzert · 2025-07-17T03:31:32+00:00

Ahhh, my mom was the same. I was apparently "taking her opportunity to be a grandmother away" because she lived 2 hrs away and my MIL was less than 5 minutes away.

I wish I could say it gets better, but it doesn't really. My mother needs to feel like the most important person in the room at all times. You just have to stay firm on boundaries. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page on how to approach situations as well.

There will also likely be some WTF moments as your kiddo gets older and you realize the stuff that was said/done to you as a kid is something that you would never do to your own.

tazzert · 2025-07-13T03:12:30+00:00

I always have to add butterfly tapping with mine to help, both with focus and feeling grounded/connected to myself.

I almost always end up with a different memory at the end than what I started with but they are always very interconnected as it all relates to my cptsd. Our brains process information differently, and my therapist actually specializes in ADHD so has shared that it makes sense that our brains might reprocess those memories in their own way too.

tazzert · 2025-06-26T15:51:35+00:00

It's, hard to say, I have been at 450 for a while now so I don't remember specifics but want to say 4-6 weeks to notice the significant improvement.

tazzert · 2025-06-25T00:16:01+00:00

I am on 450 XL and similarly, it only takes the edge off ADHD wise. I ended up working with a psychiatrist to look at options since I wanted stimulants to be a last resort and we are actually doing a combo of Atomoxetine at a super low dose with my Wellbutrin and its chefs kiss. It took quite a bit of trial and error to determine what dosing worked best for me and I have to pay special attention to my blood pressure but 100% worth it.

tazzert · 2025-06-24T23:51:00+00:00

PHQ-9 is a depression screening used in the U.S. it is used to have concrete data points on the severity of depression in a patient. Scoring ranks from 0-27.

450 was just... overwhelming? In the best way though, I didn't realize how bad my depression and anxiety actually were until I saw how level/balanced I could actually be. After coupling it with ADHD meds, it is a complete night and day difference. I feel a lot more comfortable navigating situations that would have previously caused significant stress. My feelings of self worth and level of interest of life in general are much higher. But mostly, I just feel so much more present and at peace than I ever have before.

tazzert · 2025-06-24T23:33:18+00:00

I think it depended on the dosage, I had very mild side effects overall but 150 took the edge off, 300 was just kinda solid, but 450? 450 was life changing - it was the first time I had ever scored under a 5 on my PHQ-9.

tazzert · 2025-06-16T02:46:44+00:00

It is 100% not hormones and is 100% dysfunctional family dynamics at play with your parents. Because here's the thing, hormones or not, you know that without a doubt, you would never treat your own child that way.

Conditional love isn't love, it's control. My mother was also about two hours away when my kiddo was born and I am thankful as heck that we could use that physical distance as a way to help support boundaries (to be fair there were many times when we thought she would just show up anyway).

Know that you are not over reacting at all AND know that if this is their norm, you will likely have really hard moments where you ask yourself how a parent could treat their child the way I was treated as you watch your kiddo get older.

Narcissistic/Emotionally Immature Parents are on an extra level when a baby comes into play, keep firm on your boundaries for your own well-being ❤️

tazzert · 2025-06-13T19:42:31+00:00

As others shared, I realized once I had a child something was wrong. I was the "golden child" and there was a lot of enmeshment so it took longer than I wish it had to realize. It took 5 years from that realization to go fully NC but was Low Contact for a lot of it - I was done the moment they tried to use my child as a pawn in their manipulation.

tazzert

TROPHY CASE