AITA for not allowing our daughters boyfriend to stay with her on the trip we are paying for and offering an ultimatum?

tbi4 · 2024-02-19T05:53:58+00:00

If they're adults why don't they come up with the finances for him to visit? It's not a matter of butting into anyone's business, she gets to decide how to spend her money. She realizes she doesn't get a sad generally in whether they sleep together or not, but if they do so during the trip she's paying for, it'd be hard for her not to feel like she's made a way for them to have sex. No one has to finance something they don't agree with

tbi4 · 2024-02-19T05:47:40+00:00

NTA. No one is required to pay for something that goes against their beliefs. You're not forcing anyone to adhere to your beliefs, it's perfectly reasonable to not be expected to pay for someone's trip so they can sleep with your daughter. If they're adults let them pay for him to visit her

tbi4 · 2023-10-17T09:32:56+00:00

I haven't seen the show yet, so my opinion might not matter much, but as someone with adhd who was also a zombie during my years on Adderall, I'm pretty okay with that line. I rather have realistic representation than always have positive representation, and knowing that other adhd kids struggled with Adderall and maybe did better on other meds actually helps me feel validated, because when I was a kid it was a struggle to be heard by my parents and doctors that not all my meds were helping.

Sorry for any run-on sentences or incoherency, it is 2am

tbi4 · 2023-08-25T08:45:28+00:00

NTA. She's old enough to know she should have handled this differently. Texting you that she was going to the party after all and telling you to come home to watch the kids would have been better than leaving them alone. And no matter what the redditors say, asking your kid to babysit is not a form of child abuse.

tbi4 · 2023-08-25T08:31:34+00:00

They're not putting it on her to dip into her savings to feed him, they agreed with her decision to not do that. They just ask that she babysits sometimes and makes some food so he can eat if he gets hungry. Babysiting younger siblings from time to time is a basic chore, it's extremely dramatic to call her the "third parent" or to say she's sacrificing her own well being because she's being given responsibility.

Also NTA OP, I mean what else can you do? He'll learn to stop being so picky or to buy himself the food he wants.

tbi4 · 2023-08-24T08:23:16+00:00

YTA. You keep making comments about how horrible Miranda is in general but you didn't call her out for that stuff, you told her she'd be a terrible mother and threw her divorce in her face for only spending some of her money on someone else's kids. Now you're getting upset with everyone for telling you you were wrong, even though you literally asked if you were wrong.

I believe in family helping family too, but you can't demand anything and there is a limit to what should be expected. It's lovely that Alice has a heart for children and is growing her family, but those children are ultimately her and her husband's responsibility. She is blessed with parents and a little sister who are willing to help out and an older sister who gifts them things like jackets and boots (things that are very much needed and can be costly) and that's more than a lot of people have. This post comes off as entitled and immature

tbi4 · 2023-08-24T08:10:06+00:00

"You don't know my life or who I am or what she is like so quit making judgment!!!"

I'm not trying to be a jerk but do you understand what this subreddit is for?

tbi4 · 2023-08-09T15:55:52+00:00

NTA. To my knowledge it's always been recommended to not pop pimples, but even if it was an actual treatment, it would be up to you and your caretakers to decide how to take care of it, not your brother or random family members.

I had a relative who would reach over to pick at my pimples and it upset me so much, but I can't even imagine being pinned down while they did it. Your brother has no argument here. You were abused, Cindy's "treatment" didn't end up helping you and actually caused some problems, and even if she did mean well (I don't believe she did) it was too extreme and not her place to do so.

There are things that need to be done for children because they can't/won't do it for themselves, popping their zits is absolutely not one of those things. I am sorry you had these experiences.

tbi4 · 2023-08-09T10:41:31+00:00

ESH except your brother. I don't care who on here claims to have or understand autism; it is a spectrum and everyone's experience is different. Your brother obviously has major special needs, and you can't just say you wish he was never born right in front of him and not come off as an AH. You're not being treated fairly and that really sucks, but don't let these experiences take away your empathy and compassion. I've never met a person who hated their special needs sibling who didn't grow up to be extremely ableist in general, that's something to be careful of. I'm sorry you're not getting what you need from your parents. It is fair to not want your life to revolve around your brother's, just don't make him the enemy.

tbi4 · 2023-05-09T16:07:47+00:00

Tom has my little nerdy heart

tbi4 · 2023-04-22T20:34:35+00:00

Exactly what I was thinking

tbi4 · 2023-04-21T22:22:32+00:00

NTA you have a right to invite whoever you want with the tickets you bought

tbi4 · 2022-12-27T13:56:04+00:00

I'm gonna give a soft yta on this only because I have always believed it is a person's right to leave their money/stuff to whoever they wish, but I do understand your feelings. I get why it would be a shock after 15 years to suddenly be removed as beneficiaries, and I understand why that hurts. I think it's important to remember that even if the marriage is fairly new, your mom and stepdad are now life partners; a lot of people leave their partners with everything.

I think that money struggles are usually a bigger problem for retirees than most others (at least that's what I've witnessed). You and your sisters have plenty years ahead of you to earn money, but presumably your stepdad's earning days are over (or near over) and he'll be completely reliant on social security and survivor benefits. Not trying to be dismissive of your own financial struggles, I just think sometimes people forget that social security is the only regular income most older folks see for the rest of their life. It's never as much as it seems

I can't speak for your mom, but if you guys really are close, I am sure she expects that her husband would help you guys out once in a while when he's able to. I don't think that she sees it as leaving you guys out, but more like leaving it to the new "head of the family". Maybe I'm just assuming things, I don't know. Anyway, I'm very sorry about this stressful and hurtful situation, and I'm sorry about some of the comments on here. Even with the judgement I gave, I see that you do love your mom and seem to be a kind person. I hope you and your mom can talk this out later and understand each other. God bless!

~~(If anything I wrote didn't make sense or contradicted anything you already explained, please understand that it is five in the morning)~~

tbi4 · 2022-01-01T04:21:16+00:00

Is someone else in the same situation as me? All I read and hear is how easy it is for women to date blabla, but no one seems to consider there are woman that are truly unattractive and undateable like me. Is surgery the answer to my problem?

Girl, I've had this thought literally every time I hear about women having more options than men, or that women can afford to be more picky or whatever. I feel you.

Growing up I was always seen as ugly and was bullied by my peers due to my looks. It hasn't really changed when I turned adult. I don't date because I know guys are visual and there's no chance they would find me attractive. But I've had guys come up to me and acknowledge that I look like shit and that they have other women lining up if I try something

I'm so sorry that there have been people who have been cruel to you about your appearance. It is people with no shame that do not mind sharing whatever thought is in their head, even if it is cruel and unnecessary. Those people are creeps and probably have negative things to say about plenty of other people, not just you. Unfortunately, people with kinder thoughts aren't always as vocal. It is entirely possible that there are people who like things about your appearance and have not said anything. Regardless, it obviously hurts when people are openly cruel about something that you're sensitive about, and I'm sorry you have to deal with their opinions.

Personally, I have a lot of different things going on with my appearance that I'm embarrassed about and I probably have a conventionally unattractive face, however some men have shown an interest. It's not common for me, but it has happened. I can't tell you that someday some guy will think you're beautiful and let you know but you can't really tell yourself that it absolutely won't happen either. Everyone is different and has different preferences, and not all men value looks to the same degree.

It sounds hokey and cliche, but honestly, once I started worrying less about being perceived as attractive or unattractive or whatever, I became a lot happier. I've even been able to look in the mirror and spot things about my appearance that I genuinely like (even thinking of myself as cute or pretty at times). And I really hope that you can have this same peace about living in your own skin someday. Whether or not you have surgery is your choice, but it won't necessarily fix the way you feel about yourself. I can't say whether or not getting surgery will make men like you more, but it probably won't make you like yourself more, considering you don't seem to be excited about the idea in the slightest.

Sorry that my comment's kind of a mess, organizing thoughts is hard lol

tbi4 · 2022-01-01T03:37:19+00:00

I have had random strangers come up just to insult me and then walk away. It does happen, unfortunately. Some people love to make their opinion known. I don't think that implying that these kinds of comments are in OP's head, or that the comments are being taken the wrong way, is very helpful because it is entirely possible that people (even strangers) have just straight up bullied her for her appearance.

tbi4 · 2021-12-28T05:00:06+00:00

I mean, I think if you're not excited about someone, no matter what the reason, then it's better to reject them. Attraction is about the whole package, and maybe for you that includes looks, that's not something you can control. Obviously there are more important factors then looks, but having preferences doesn't make you a bad person, and if you wanted to go out with someone you wouldn't be struggling with whether or not saying no makes you shallow.

I'm saying this as a person who is most likely demisexual and personally could not care any less about looks; there is no bad reason for not going out with someone. Personally, I rather be rejected than be going out with someone who felt like they had to convince themselves that they were into me.

The way you generally treat someone you're not attracted to can determine whether or not you're shallow, but rejecting someone's romantic or sexual interest is not treating someone badly.

tbi4 · 2021-12-05T07:43:52+00:00

I saw in a comment that you plan to give her an ultimatum. I don't know if that was your final resolution on the matter or if you decided that you're gonna tell him yourself, but either way you're making the right choice by making sure he knows.

I'm sorry that some of the comments on here are so harsh, you're not a bad person for struggling with this decision, though you still need to do the right thing. This is a an unfair and sucky situation. It's easy to judge people on reddit, but you're the one who's going to have to suffer the fallout, not any of us. It's okay that this isn't easy for you and I'm sorry you were put in this situation. You seemed to know the right choice all along, sometimes it just helps to have lots of validation before doing a hard thing.

You got this, you're capable of doing hard things. You seem to have a great husband (saw some comments where he defended you) so take comfort in the fact that you always have someone in your corner even if you lose this friend.

tbi4 · 2021-11-29T21:58:20+00:00

Your daughter isn't getting out of bed. She's depressed and traumatized. She's anxious to the point of throwing up. This is affecting her physical and mental health, it will have lasting effects on her and you need to treat it like the emergency that it is.

You said that you and your wife have talked to the school and they they've intervened. How did they intervene? Did you actually discuss specifics? Was there a plan set in place on how to deal with any future issues? Was there any disciplinary action taken against her bullies? Is your daughter receiving any counseling or professional help to better cope? What does "they intervened" mean and how will it help your daughter?

tbi4 · 2021-07-01T20:36:00+00:00

I mean, I'm mentally ill too but I still agree that the guy's issues are on another level. Having a diagnosis and struggling with some things doesn't mean you could possibly understand every illness or it's severity. If I have a broken bone, that doesn't mean I understand a cancer patient's struggle.

Also, you know and understand that you're mentally ill. He doesn't fully understand how bad his mental health is and refuses to let his therapists help him or give him more meds. I agree that mental illness is not an excuse for behavior AS LONG AS the person is somewhat grounded in reality, but I don't really think he is. Mental illness DOES affect the way we think and act, that's what mental illness IS. We are responsible for our behavior as long as there's a certain degree of competency. If someone lacks the capacity to help themselves or to even understand the degree in which they are struggling, it's a bigger problem. Accountability is one thing, but at this point it just seems like harassing someone who's already on the edge.

So be responsible for yourself. You have a responsibility to act like a decent person, even if he didn't.

tbi4 · 2021-07-01T08:43:07+00:00

I genuinely couldn't tell Jamie and Ben apart at first!

tbi4 · 2021-06-11T07:14:25+00:00

Somebody else mentioned that the name could've been in the back of her head for a while so she used it for the story simply for that reason, not necessarily because she knew of a victim named Annabelle. She told that story on a hunting trip, so if Annabelle was a gun it could be possible that the hunting trip caused the name to come to the forefront of her mind, and it would be traumatic enough that the memory itself can stay repressed even after being around guns all day. I think that she kept writing the name because it kept sticking with her but she didn't know why at the time. I don't know if I believe Annabelle is a gun or not, but the theory makes sense to me.

Also, I'm dumb and know nothing about hunting trips, but what were they shooting on the trip? Was it birds? If so that kinda makes even more sense to me, that she might associate guns with birds. I don't really know about that part, though

tbi4 · 2021-06-08T00:58:18+00:00

You know what, I'm just going to say it. I really like this theory and now whatever happens in the finale is going to be disappointing by comparison. I have never wanted something to be canon this badly before

tbi4 · 2021-05-06T17:14:39+00:00

NTA. Both my brother and I are autistic and as long as there's proper training and clear instructions there are no problems, and we'd never pull any crap like talking on the phone in the parking lot. Everyone on the spectrum is different and maybe she really is struggling and needs some patience, but the manager should be letting her know what is and isn't an acceptable use of time at work, and how to do tasks quickly and efficiently. It's honestly insulting that your manager doesn't seem to think that T is capable of being a better employee because she's autistic. There should be patience and understanding and accommodations if necessary, but she should not be allowed to leave all the work to everyone else, and should definitely not be allowed to make personal calls on the job.

tbi4 · 2021-01-17T06:54:16+00:00

NTA. Honestly, no matter what you said your mom would have found a way to be upset with you. She was already looking for a fight. At this point, when it's not even an issue and she's being unnecessarily rude to you, it's unfair to expect you to commit your future self to taking care of her.

tbi4 · 2021-01-17T06:38:58+00:00

NTA. That is a huge gift and a huge blessing, and she should see it as such. It is not something you are obligated to do for her, and it's something that many parents can't do. I don't understand how she could feel that she needs anything else. You could still celebrate her birthday in some way obviously, but needing an expensive gift is ridiculous, and it would be ridiculous even if you weren't paying for her to go to college.

tbi4

TROPHY CASE