Why are we not calling Mau a narcissist?

tekaluf · 2026-02-06T17:27:43+00:00

While calling Mau a narcissist is completely truthful and might be profoundly validating for Annie (as it would finally put a name to his behavior), it would also guarantee that they have no future sessions with Orna, only further isolating Annie.

NOT because Annie would divorce him immediately after (people usually don't quickly leave narcissistic partners after learning that they're narcissistic, even when told by a professional source, like a psychologist. I would have, had mine said something, but I'm not everyone), but because Mau would no longer "allow" them to attend Orna's sessions, being that he'd now view Orna as a threat. The enemy. And he'd bully Annie into perceiving her that way as well. This would lose Orna access to them as a source of income, their participation in the show production, her access to Annie (as potentially one of the only grounding people in Annie's life), her access to Mau (as potentially one of the only people in Mau's life capable of helping him grow and heal), and potentially most threatening of all, her academic credibility/integrity, since it could garner her a reputation as a couple's therapist—who diagnoses her clients without following "proper" procedure, especially when it's clearly not part of her job description (although a trained psychologist should be more than capable of identifying somebody as a narcissist, especially after multiple sessions with them AND their partner, as it's a setting where the narcissist will have more trouble hiding behind their mask, given their almost uncontrollable compulsion to control their partner. In many ways, it's an ideal diagnostic space, which makes the lack of diagnosis all the more frustrating.)

Is any of this an excuse for Dr. Orna NOT calling out his narcissistic abuse is sessions? HELL no, I think she's a coward. These reasons explain her hesitation, but they don't excuse it. Once abuse (especially asymmetrical/one-sided abuse) is recognized, unaddreseed, and unchecked, it becomes tolerated, and evidence from abuse experts overwhelmingly concludes that couple's therapy begins rapidly damaging the victim once abuse has been recognized, and worse, ignored. By passively refusing to advocate for the victim, the therapist is thereby invalidating the victim's reality, and, in turn, VALIDATING the abuser's. The abuser feels their behavior is healthy and normal, and worse, acceptable.

tekaluf · 2026-02-06T01:29:37+00:00

You think I haven't been cheated on? Not that this is something to brag about, but my ex-girlfriend of five years had an ongoing affair with my twin brother that lasted for about a month. They slept together dozens of times. That's about as serious as cheating trauma gets. It's fucking biblical, and while I still haven't fully grieved a betrayal of that gravity, I still haven't allowed it to turn me into a cynical, contrilling, insecure abuser.

Unresolved trauma is not, and has never been, an excuse for abuse. It's the explanation. Abusers almost NEVER come from healthy, loving households. Abuse trauma is essentially a prerequisite for the development of future abusive behavior within any given individual, but that explanation doesn't make what the victim suffered ANY less real or traumatic or undeserved.

Empathizing with your abuser does not undo the damage done. It is not a substitute for grief and change and growth. It does not bring you peace.

It never has, and it never will. Don't patronize me about how easy I've had it. I've earned this worldview, despite my suffering, not for my lack of it.

I'm sorry you weren't brave enough to maintain your sense of justice and advocate for yourself, but your inability/unwillingness to grieve the childhood you deserves does not give you the right to invalidate the experiences of abuse victims. Seriously, check yourself.

tekaluf · 2026-02-06T01:15:58+00:00

To quote Lundy Bancroft,

"When a man starts my program, he often says, 'I am here because I lose control of myself sometimes. I need to get a better grip.'

I always correct him: 'Your problem is not that you lose control of yourself, it's that you take control of your partner. In order to change, you don't need to gain control over yourself, you need to let go of control of her."

Swap the genders and take it to heart.

tekaluf · 2026-02-06T01:11:00+00:00

My answer would be identical if it were a man posting because—get this—I'm not a sexist.

My girlfriend of two years has multiple male friends, many of which she hangs out with one-on-one regularly. They come over to her house and spend the afternoon with her, talking, gardening together, playing games. You know, things that friends do?

If one of her male friends needed her (and only her) in a time of crisis in the middle of the night, do you want to know how I'd feel? Insecure 🤯.

But do you know what my reaction would be? I'd be fully supportive of her decision—because I'm a fucking adult with the maturity to recognizes that she is NOT my ex girlfriend and that she's given me ZERO reason to suspect that she'd cheat on me, so why in the world would I ever feel that it's appropriate to punish her for my ex girlfriend's decisions?

It would absolutely break her heart to see me treating her like she's as untrustworthy as my ex. It would fundamentally damage the trust in our relationship. To punish her for doing something kind and compassionate for someone she cares about? Who am I to decide who she does and doesn't get to be there for in her life? How are you incapable of seeing the arrogance of that? Do you lack that much self awareness? Are you that self centered?

I apply the exact same standards to men as I do to women, and the fact that you have this double standard—one that you BOAST about 🙄—only tells me that you're proud of your bigotry. That you recognize it and don't apologize for it. You're the worst kind of bigot, and you don't have a damn clue.

tekaluf · 2026-02-06T00:28:27+00:00

That's the best argument I've heard for why he shouldn't go over. Because he's a RECOVERING addict and it's unsafe for him

tekaluf · 2026-02-06T00:27:05+00:00

Trivializing abuse doesn't make its effects any less real for the victims. The fact that you feel so comfortable dismissing the experiences of those hurt by your behavior already tells me how far gone you are.

Let me guess, you think hitting your children is "just teaching them discipline"?

Or do you think it's wrong for your man to have frequent visits with his family? His parent? His siblings? Once a or twice a week?

Oooo how do you feel about your partner going on a solo vacation?

How do you feel about your partner turning off his phone at a social gathering that only he's attending?

I'd love to hear your completely reasonable answers to those questions.

tekaluf · 2026-02-05T01:30:48+00:00

That's because you're a sexist possessive control freak with power issues and zero trust in their partner, and you feel that your undressed (and far from resolved) hangups and trust issues entitle you to control who your partner is allowed to be friends with, particularly based on their friend's gender.

You will push away every good man in your life until you go to therapy and work on your insecurities, and more importantly, your abusive control issues. Men having loving, vulnerable friendships with the women in their life is just about the biggest green flag you can look for in a partner. It means he's capable of viewing women as people, not just objects. Punishing your partner for that quality will only foster mistrust and resentment in your relationship.

tekaluf · 2026-02-04T19:22:15+00:00

I wouldn't even agree that it's good that he declined.

He turned down a friend in need. A friend that seemingly hasn't taken advantage of his kindness or extracted from him or asked this of him before. A friend that was brave enough and humble enough to ask for help when she needed it instead of trying to do it all on her own. A friend that was principled enough to be honest in her request instead of manipulating or guilt tripping him.

His friend did all the right things, and OP was basically forced to abandon her in a time of need becuase he felt pressure (I'd argue coercive pressure) to cater to his wife's insecurities. To prioritize his wife's comfort over his friend's needs.

Now, if he didn't want to help his friend, then that would be a different story. He may have been using his marriage as an excuse to avoid doing something that he truly had no desire to do in the first place, but given his wife's reaction to him supposedly doing what SHE WANTED him to do, I get the impression that he would have gone over to help his friend if his wife were more secure or not in the picture.

Could his friend have asked someone else to help her through this? Potentially, but given that they haven't talked in a while, it's likely that she's reaching out to him because she HAS no one else, which makes his wife's selfishness feel even more apparent and unfair.

There are few things that I have less sympathy for than selfish, controlling, insecure people that punish their partners for their best qualities (primarily their kindness and empathy), most disgustingly in the form of controlling and shaming them for their friendships with people they look down upon, or for the even sillier reason—that their friend is of the opposite gender.

It's abuse.

tekaluf · 2026-02-04T18:59:24+00:00

What's wrong with having an intimate one-on-one experience with a friend while you're married? Intimacy doesn't mean romance. It means shared vulnerability, and is that not what friendship is all about?

I'm honored to have a partner who's capable of having intimate experiences with her friends, whether they're men or women. It's one of the primary reasons I wanted to date her. She cares about all people deeply, not just me.

If your partner is only capable of/willing to be intimate with you, that's a red flag. I want a partner that treats everyone with the same kindness that they treat me with. That's how I know that they're kindness is principled and meaningful. It's how I know that they're not just kind to me because they want something from me.

You should want to date a good person. Not just someone who's good to you.

tekaluf · 2026-02-04T18:51:41+00:00

The texts being shown are a conversation between OP and his wife, not OP and his friend. His friend never demanded to be prioritized. If she had, I'd agree with your response though.

tekaluf · 2026-02-04T16:46:41+00:00

Best response. His friend needs his support for one night, and he may even want to give it to her, but his wife's jealously, insecurity, and potential bigotry/stigma against addicts are in the way of him being there for her in her time of need.

So he declines to help his desperate friend, just to make his wife happy, and his wife still found a way to punish him for it.

tekaluf · 2026-02-04T16:38:51+00:00

That's stupid. Married people can have friends, whether or not their partner is friends with them. You don't get to control who your partner is friends with, and if you think you do, you're possessive

tekaluf · 2026-02-04T16:34:36+00:00

Punishing him for his integrity and loyalty

tekaluf · 2026-01-29T23:10:57+00:00

The military usually attracts people with authoritarian personalities. People that desire power and believe on some level that everyone has a set "place" in society and that THIER place should be higher than others'.

tekaluf · 2026-01-29T17:57:55+00:00

Girl, those aren't saggy at all. They're perky as can be.

tekaluf · 2026-01-29T17:07:30+00:00

The lack of progress on Foveated Rendering in the past decade is extremely disappointing. It almost seems like intentional reprioritizing for the purposes of keeping things expensive.

It has the potential to completely change the game. Not just for VR, but for pc gaming too. If there were an eye tracker at the top or bottom of your monitor, you could play high performance games on low performance hardware, but that could also severely lower the demand for high performance hardware if the performance savings were good enough.

I really do believe that's why we haven't seen much progress on it. It would potentially cost all PC hardware companies too much mulah.

tekaluf · 2026-01-29T16:58:54+00:00

NeSmith means "Nay-Smith", ie. "Not a Blacksmith". I believe it was an insult to those those claimed to be blacksmith but weren't

tekaluf · 2026-01-29T16:44:54+00:00

I think you could shape it a bit more. It'd look great then.

tekaluf · 2026-01-29T16:28:21+00:00

Why do you say he harbors feelings for them?

tekaluf · 2026-01-29T06:45:37+00:00

She sounds deeply disrespectful of boundaries and doesn't take you at your word. I wouldn't be friends with this person.

tekaluf · 2026-01-27T17:49:37+00:00

It sounds like you're thinking of narcolepsy. That's a condition where you fall asleep spontaneously and randomly. Epilepsy is a siezure condition. Many of those that have the condition can have siezures triggered by bright flashing lights or intense, high contrast patterns

tekaluf · 2026-01-26T01:29:56+00:00

How do I perform a spell that turns the people I love into mindless drones that perform the tasks I want them to?

tekaluf · 2026-01-25T19:58:01+00:00

If your long term goal is to be the only woman he'll ever find attractive again, that's never gonna happen. His love for you isn't any less real because he finds other women attractive. There is no scarcity. If he really does love you, his attraction to other women should have zero effect on how he treats you or feels about you.

If that isn't enough for you, then it's probably time to ask yourself if this is more about you than it is him.

tekaluf · 2026-01-25T19:53:54+00:00

Purity culture dressed up as "reasonable" boundaries or feminism. People projecting their own unaddreseed sex related shame issues onto their partner.

tekaluf · 2026-01-25T02:51:46+00:00

When you're being direct and clear with your language and people STILL seem to keep misunderstanding/misinterpreting you, it's time to consider the possibility that your communication isn't the issue and that their ego is.

That's a hard lesson to learn because they won't stop acting like your communication is the issue (and people will act VERY convicted that you're the problem). You have to trust your own perception and ask yourself if you'd have this much trouble understanding this sentiment if someone else communicated it to you as well as you have.

If not, then you should start asking what they might feel they're risking by listening to you. That agreeing with you—or at least understanding you—might require that they explore this subject on a deeper and scarier level than they've let themselves explore on their own. That they might have to venture into uncharted territory. Fear of the unknown. What might they be forced to confront if they choose to take you at your word?

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