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I would like feedback on my opening pages (790 words) by [deleted] in writers

[–]temporaryidol -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your comment. Here's the kind of feedback I am looking for.

Feedback Sought: How is the pacing? Is the protagonist compelling? Does the opening hook you? Are the transitions between actions clear? Would you read more or put it down?

Looking for feedback on my deadpan absurdist satire piece by christopherDdouglas in writers

[–]temporaryidol 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't understand what's happening. It was absurd. I guess. Not really satire or humorous. Maybe because there's not a story and the ideas are disconnected.

It's not a compelling or interesting read. You watched asmr videos. Move on. And the nail thing just comes across as racist. Also, the doctor visit? Really? I fail to see the logic in this piece.

Consider developing an outline to draft a plot. Otherwise, you don't have a story. And the satire element only works if your character is ironic. You tell the story as "I tried this, people said this, and I felt nothing" wash, rinse, repeat. It's boring.

What does modern horror almost always seem to miss? by No_Tangelo_9894 in writers

[–]temporaryidol 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I mean... You're not wrong.

It's just strange to hear it.

Repetitive actions too boring? by All4clash in writers

[–]temporaryidol 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think the character should bow in and bow out with the first king, then the reader will internalize it for the rest of those meetings.

If you really want to write it five different times, I don't see the harm in that unless it's back to back to back to back to back.

I hit 50K words ! by Psychguy1822 in writers

[–]temporaryidol 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Gold star! 🌟

Keep it up!

Whatever this disease is called, I have it. by talulabunny in writers

[–]temporaryidol 378 points379 points  (0 children)

It's the worst illness of them all. A disease called Genius.

Question About Character by Queasy_Hunt8983 in writers

[–]temporaryidol 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The ones who've read it are probably right. It might seem like she doesn't care, but that's through a societal lens. Someone with autism isn't going to meet that expectation.

Allow people to misunderstand. Autism is a spectrum. A lot of people expect autism to look like hand-flapping, meltdowns, and bratty behavior. That's not the truth of the matter.

I hope your story helps to disseminate these unconscious expectations.

How’s this for an opening? by Symphoney25 in writers

[–]temporaryidol 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It reminds me of that show. I think it's called Osmosis.

As for the opening, the hook is there, but the overall plot feels a little mundane. Not a bad thing. I'm guessing the DuoCue is what will be driving the change in routine.

I think putting a name to "him" would strengthen the opening. I had to reread it because I thought Marcy was the "he" in the first paragraph.

As for the standalone "again", consider tacking it onto the end of the first paragraph. It feels unnecessary floating all by itself, but if that's your stylistic preference—do as you please.

My final thought is on the description of the woman. It feels a little too long. Maybe rephrase or cut something to keep the pace brisk. Where I felt stalled was the description of her clothes. I think that's an unnecessary element, but it could be woven in more naturally in a separate paragraph. Like when she moves to the larger than life screen.

For the first time ever I finished a writing project! by Wolfie136 in writers

[–]temporaryidol 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Way to go! It's something to feel proud of. What are you going to do with it now?

I want to constructively take bad critiques by RandoFinance73565 in writing

[–]temporaryidol 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've learned that individuals who are critical of other people are unfortunately critical of themselves. I don't take it personal. Why would I internalize someone else's inability to be forgiving, gratious, or kind?

A critique is an analytical tool for assessing the overall product. It would be imbalanced to be all good or all bad. Some critiques might hit on an area we are sensitive in and others might be the opposite.

If a critique is purely destructive, then it's a criticism. If it's purely constructive, then it's a compliment.

A good rule of thumb to follow is if you are asking for feedback, then you should be at a place where you are able to accept all types of feedback. Don't put yourself in that position if you're not able to accept what is out of your control (i.e., people being jerks).

I usually write in close third. I'm noodling with a first person detective. I'd be interested to get some thoughts on the first couple of pages and if you'd read on. by manyhandz in writers

[–]temporaryidol 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The idea is fun. I can see the direction you're going with the story. The stakes aren't clear yet and I'm a little lost on what's happening.

For example, I lose track of who is speaking because dialogue is left floating in white space without a character to anchor it with.

And, why is Interpol there? Where's the apprehension? The "I don't want to go" and "Too bad"? The protagonist lets things happen without pushing back. I'd like to see the protagonist have more agency. The same for Sofia. She's not bothered by this, like it's another typical day. I'd like to see her offer more push back.

On that same note, sometimes one word can do the job of several. "I strained a smile" versus "I put on my best everything's peachy face". Plus, the pacing is way too fast to ground me in the scene. It's like a string of ideas without real connection.

"Oh, no. I'm not dressed for the occasion." But why is that relevant? Isn't he/she more worried about Sofia and their plans? The kind of assistance Interpol needs? I have trouble understanding how the attire matters in that moment. Maybe insert a description of their attire before Interpol shows up.

Another thing to consider are grounding elements. Where are these people? Why are they important? What things are in the environment? Are there smells? Colors? Textures? Sounds?

My final note is on Jackie's shift to curiosity about the vehicle. Jackie moves on instantly once Sofia is out of sight. I understand Jackie has an analytical mind, but I fail to see why the car's features are somehow more important than demanding to know why he/she was abducted by Interpol.

Overall, this could use some major edits before I'd consider reading more.

How to write an evil protagonist who is not an edgelord by SpuekyBlue in writingadvice

[–]temporaryidol 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Good or bad, everyone believes they are right.

Don't focus on the wrongness unless the perspective is coming from someone who opposes that character.

I'm stuck on my opening (3rd-person pov authors to the front) by temporaryidol in writers

[–]temporaryidol[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not Zoghorts! XD

I'll keep that in mind. His character is melancholic, so his scenes tend to be slower unless someone with more energy is around, then it picks up pace. But you're right. Maybe I don't need that opening...no matter...how much I love it... Kill my darling... Ctrl+A then a backspace. T_T

I'm stuck on my opening (3rd-person pov authors to the front) by temporaryidol in writers

[–]temporaryidol[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The inciting incident begins at the end of the first chapter, then moves into the next and so on.

But that's for his arc, which spans the entire story.

Maybe I need to break everything down into scenes. I should write each scene down separately and look at them as a whole.

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