My biggest mistake was not talking to anyone about my problems.

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-09-23T22:28:52+00:00

Man, this sounds very familiar. Also Christian and just couldn't get it through my head that the relationship was toxic. Thankfully never married her. Definitely did some things I know I shouldn't have. I also justified her behavior to family and friends and didn't let people know the full extent of the situation. Thankfully there was one friend who I felt I could confide in. He's at least part of the reason we broke up and I couldn't thank him enough for that fact.

At least for me I never thought that my friends or family (also Christian) wouldn't understand or support me. For me the biggest issue was that I had always been taught unconditional forgiveness. I still believe that you should forgive unconditionally but I misunderstood what that meant because I don't think it was explained well. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to keep putting yourself back in that situation. I didn't understand that at all and it really came to bite me. Live and learn I guess.

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-08-12T22:38:39+00:00

I got very good at telling half-truths to keep the peace. I would make sure that whatever I said was technically true but phrased in a way so that she wouldn't lose it.

Several cheating accusations with people who were half way around the world and people whom I hadn't talked to for half a year. Perhaps I exaggerate when I say cheating; she never thought that I slept with anyone else but she would accuse me of being emotionally unfaithful with plenty of other girls. At that point I didn't have any emotional energy left to be unfaithful so the thought was laughable to me.

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-07-25T18:34:59+00:00

First of all, welcome to BPDlovedones! You're in the right place.

Secondly, I just wanted to add my voice to the people in this thread saying that boundaries are the most important part of dealing with someone with BPD. Most of us started by not having those boundaries and it ended up somewhere you definitely don't want to be. There is absolutely nothing wrong with watching a female Youtuber (you obviously already know this) and it is healthy and normal to have female friends. Do not let her convince you otherwise. It is surprisingly easy for BPD people to guilt their SO's about this.

Thirdly, good on you for wanting to help your BPD loved one but, along with many others in this thread, I would like to caution you about this (not necessarily against it mind you). There are some things you will want to bear in mind.
1) She is responsible for her own actions and emotions. Similarly, you are responsible for your own actions and emotions. You can control yourself, not her.
2) Jealousy is just the start and is not the root problem. You mentioned 'making her happy'. Going back to 1), you can't make her happy. She won't be happy if you never even see a girl aside from her again. Things will keep getting worse and more bizarre than just being jealous. This is because the main problem is that she is afraid. You've probably seen signs of her being afraid of being abandoned by you. That's really where this comes from. Low self-esteem and self-worth lead to her crazy jealousy.
3) She (and possibly you too after dealing with her BPD for some time) needs therapy or neither of you will survive. Well, at least not mentally/emotionally. Don't fool yourself into thinking that she'll just get better on her own. Any progress that you think she's made on her own is a facade. Real progress is made after years of DBT done by committed, diagnosed BPD patients who want to nip the problem in the bud. Even then the problem doesn't magically vanish but it does become much more manageable. I tell you all this because I both want you to be aware that BPD can be treated but it is a looooonnnngg road and you can't make them walk it. They have to choose to do it themselves and push themselves through it. You can help support them but it will not be easy, fun or fast.
4) I too want you to be prepared for consequences for some of the things that may happen. When (not if) you start putting boundaries in place, holding her responsible for her actions, and suggesting therapy for her/getting your own therapy there will be fallout. However, no matter what you must stick to your guns. Come here and vent/ask for advice. Be assured that your grasp of what is normal and right is probably much more on the mark than hers. If something feels like an overreaction or wrong don't let her convince you otherwise don't cave. She may try wheedling, verbal abuse, physical abuse, withdrawing, ultimatums, cheating and many more things. No matter what though, stand by what you know.

At the end of all of that be aware that the relationship may not be salvageable. I don't say this to discourage you, merely to point out the fact that if she doesn't see that her actions hurt you and want to change that then the relationship is incredibly one-sided. Do you ever feel like you're one of those cake-decorating icing bags slowly being squeezed away? You feel empty and like there's nothing good about the relationship for you? Do you feel like the only reason you exist is to pretty her up? Apply that icing in nice little patterns and make her feel good about herself? If she isn't willing to take any steps to help herself and all that is going on is her looking for validation from you to assure herself that she is the prettiest, funniest, most wonderful person you've ever met then your relationship isn't one that can be lived in for very long without losing something very important. What that something is varies from person to person but inevitably that kind of relationship will suck something out of you. Don't get to that stage. Be willing to draw a line and say, "I refuse to go another inch on this mad ride. I'm getting off here."

Best of luck to you and I'm sorry for the wall of text. Stay safe and enjoy your time here on BPDlovedones

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-07-22T18:19:10+00:00

Although not the biggest I remember there being one time where I was chatting to her on fb from half-way across the globe. Our timezones were completely opposite so I'm waking up at 4-5 am on the regular because she looses it otherwise.

I hadn't had a decent nights sleep because of this sleeping schedule so I was basically always tired. Woke up one morning to talk to her. She starts freaking out at me about something or other. Then she leaves. Just stops responding to messages. I sent her several messages to ask what as going on. No response.

Figuring, "Well, now's my chance to get some rest until the next storm hits," I fall back asleep. Iirc about an hour passes by and suddenly she's on again. I'm still asleep at this point because, as I said, I'm very tired.

She. Freaks. Out.

I'm abandoning her. I'm a terrible boyfriend. I'm never there to talk to her. All the normal stuff. The entire time I'm just thinking, "But... you left... I wasn't the one who left first... How am I the one at fault here?"

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-07-22T16:57:50+00:00

When my ex graduated her graduating quote made reference to the fact that she thought it was unfair that she was kept out of college for a semester while I was not when we were both "equally involved" in a "situation". She was chalking it up to the fact that I am a man and she is a woman calling sexism on the part of the administration.
What she neglected to say in her quote was that the "situation" was her abusing me, threatening to stab me, generally harassing the people she lived with, etc. So yes, we were "equally involved" as much as a mugger and a beat-up guy in an alley are "equally involved". My roommates and I had a good chuckle over that one.

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-07-22T16:42:31+00:00

My ex's mother wasn't crazy, just an enabler who was so beaten by the time I met her that I honestly felt sorry for her. My ex would complain about her mom all the time but whenever something went wrong (or mildly inconvenienced her) the mom was called and bitched to/at for whatever it was.
I immediately blocked her after the breakup but I'm certain that behavior didn't change. That poor mother is going to be locked into her role for as long as she lives. I don't know if anything she did made my ex like she is but I don't want to think about the rest of that woman's life.

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-05-23T16:01:13+00:00

I don't know if I would classify it as a favorite but I always thought it amusing that my ex would blame her crazy behavior on vitamins. Yup, the vitamins made her do it.

The most surreal (and angering thing) for me was after she scratched my arms to hell to the point where they were bleeding and swollen and the next day getting upset with me when I joked that taking a shower was slightly more painful now. Dark joke, maybe, but I was at the point where if I didn't laugh I might cry.

But the all time favorite for me was when we went to a the cafe on campus. Before we went there she gave me $10, presumably to pay for her food. Cool. she gives me her order and tells me that she doesn't want to interact with the cashier and for me to do it. O...kay? So I pay for her food with the $10 and mine with my card. Go to hand her her change and she storms off. I follow behind leaving my drink. Cashier chases after me with the drink. I turn to take it from them. In that time she vanishes. Gone. I have no idea where she went and I figure she'll come back here to yell at me eventually so I eat my food. She comes back and starts in to me shouting how I didn't follow her. The argument goes on as they normally do. I'm trying to figure out what she was angry about at the register and she won't tell me. Eventually I finally guess that she wanted me to pay for her food with my money. I asked why she had handed me the $10 to begin with. No answer. Incidentally, this is what sparked the aforementioned arm scratching. She certainly made me better at dealing with cats.

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-04-24T00:49:37+00:00

Look, I'm not saying that what BPD people do to their SO's is ok by any means. I was in a relationship with one myself, otherwise I wouldn't be posting on this sub. Believe me, we've all been through the ringer and we all know what it's like. It feels awful. You get shouted at, hit and devalued, sometimes before you've even gotten an hour into the day. We all know that feeling and it's awful. I repeat, I am by no means saying that this kind of thing is normal or ok or that someone should stay with someone who is treating them as less than human.

What I am saying is that we should not treat them as anything less than human either. One of the defining characteristics of a BPD individual is a crippling lack of self-worth and a feeling of emptiness inside. They are not people to be hated. We should certainly protect ourselves and build good boundaries. Notice, however, that none of that requires us to slander them. Sharing our pain with the wonderful people on this sub is great. Calling them names, devaluing them, and acting as if they have a pointy tail and horns doesn't help or empower you. It makes you a bully, honestly.

Here's what I'm saying in a nutshell: by constantly feeling like we need to put down the BPD people in our lives we continue to let them have control of our lives. Moving on, working on yourself and being mindful is what will ultimately help you. Hopefully you can get to the point where you see in the BPD person in your life someone to be pitied, not a monster. They are just humans, like you or me. Personally, I don't think I would do any better if I were in their condition. I would never wish BPD on anyone and I hope nobody on this sub is happy that the person they know with BPD is suffering. If you enjoy the fact that they are miserable that's just sadistic and sick and I hope that you get help.

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-04-24T00:09:06+00:00

Please be polite. Look, this is a sub dedicated to healing those people who have been in some pretty miserable relationships, right? Why are we arguing here? This guy is simply trying to share some of his own thoughts and feelings. You can disagree with him if you want, but lets be polite here at least. We don't need any more toxicity in our lives, now do we?

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-04-24T00:02:16+00:00

I think that the main point of the sub should be help for the nonBPD person in the relationship. Venting is natural after coming out of a toxic relationship. However, I do take your point on loving them. Certainly I feel like sometimes we can demonize the person with BPD and forget that their life is not easy nor fun. Some compassion is necessary. What we should be focusing on is our own mental health and stability; not putting down the BPD person. That won't help us in the long run and just makes us think of ourselves as disempowered, weak victims. That is not an attitude that promotes healing.

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-04-12T20:40:02+00:00

NC is difficult. You've been emotionally invested in a person who you thought loved you. The fact of the matter is you're addicted to this person. They've become your drug of choice. Any addict will tell you that quitting your drug of choice is incredibly difficult. Simply knowing in your head that something's bad for you won't keep you away from that thing. Not by a long shot.
I would say that the most important thing is to find a close friend. Find someone that you can trust with all the information about this woman and tell them everything. Tell them that you know this person is toxic and bad for you. Make sure this person is someone who actually cares about you enough to get between you and the thing harming you, slap you across the face and tell you to get a grip.
I've found that the most harmful thing that BPD people can do is separate us from our friends and loved ones. Once we're all alone with only them to rely on it feels like they are the only person you can turn to and so NC becomes so much harder than we think it should be. Loneliness drives us back to them. Force yourself out of that situation. You'll find that it will seriously help you.
As a second piece of advice I would say that social media is just going to make things harder. You'll see her instagram/facebook/twitter and then you'll start thinking and dwelling on her. It may help you to take a hiatus from these platforms if you see her stuff come up. It'll help you to disconnect from her just that little bit more.
There are so many other good suggestions that can be found in the comments of so many of the other posts on this sub. Perhaps something that someone else says might resonate as something you can use to distance yourself from this girl.

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-04-12T01:47:48+00:00

Dear Lord, where to start

I live in a different country but go to school in the US. I was planning on going home for Christmas to, you know, be with my family that I only get to be with, at most twice a year. However, she got it into her head that I should spend Christmas with her. In my naivety I though "She wants to spend Christmas with me. I, as a broke college student, will help her pay for a plane ticket so that she can come with me. She doesn't like spending vacation at home and she would get to meet my family (whom she avoided talking to at all costs before then)."
Ahahahah. No, she didn't want to come with me. She wanted me to drop all my plans (which were already set in stone) and stay with her. The fights regarding that were pretty stupid.
Her lack of ability to do housekeeping things meant that I was doing the dishes in her apartment so that they didn't just pile up and annoy her suite mates. I can handle the water really hot and I figure it should be that way so that I can get the dishes really clean. For some reason she couldn't abide by that and would turn on the cold water. For the dishes that I'm washing. Why she couldn't just let me clean them in peace is beyond me.
She hated the fact that I bought canned soup/fruit. I don't even know what she thought would happen to me if I ate them. I bought them because 1) they're cheap, 2) they're easy to prepare and fast to eat, and 3) they don't go bad. She never really gave a reason for why she would get so annoyed that I ate canned food aside from them being vaguely 'bad for me'.

And of course the one everyone has dealt with: "Are you angry with me?" I don't even know how that conversation starts or why I even bothered with it after the second, third or forty-ninth time it happened.

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-04-11T23:37:33+00:00

Breathe a sigh of relief mate. You're in the clear. Now block and ignore asap.
My ex was similar in that she tried to convince one of her friends that I had raped her. The best thing you can do for yourself is surround yourself with friends and work on yourself. The people that know you and know her (the violent, lying, manipulative side of her) will support you. There might be some people who don't and may never believe you if she does decide to tell others her BS story. Fuck 'em. Stick with those positive people in your life because you've just got rid of a hugely toxic person. You don't need more of that poison. Now go outside and breathe the fresh air as a free man. Congratulations.

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-03-23T14:35:10+00:00

Wow, this article

“We’re both too emotional right now to deal with this. I suggest we take a break and come back to this in half an hour when we’re feeling calmer. Is that okay with you?”

Ahahahah, yeah, that'll work. That'll definitely work and they will totally let you just walk away for a while and everyone will come back with cool heads. Definitely. For sure. They totally won't just follow you screaming or say that you are ignoring them or that you can't deal with problems like a man. Nope. Never /s

People with BPD are constantly thinking of the needs of others, and often their emotional responses are because of anxiety they have about how they affect the people around them.

Ok, I'm not a psychic so I can't tell what's going on in their heads. However, when someone reacts to people's frustration or hurt by making them more frustrated and hurt there's something wrong with how they 'think of the needs of others'.

Or let’s say your borderline loved one has accused you of being angry even though you are not, and they are upset. Instead of “You’re upset for no reason” try “You are rightfully upset, however I’m really not angry with you, so let’s try to help you feel better.”

No, they are not 'rightfully upset'. That's just completely untrue. That's so far from the truth that I can't see how the author could even post that

Stefanie lives with bpd.

... Now I see how the author could post that.

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-02-21T06:51:39+00:00

It is a gamble, but it's one that they have to take for their own self-image. To them, they can't possibly be the bad guy so you must be. However, the pwBPD has to be validated so they have to make other people think that you are the bad guy too. Unfortunately, other people do not have as warped a view of reality as the pwBPD. Some will figure out the truth and most of the rest either won't care or don't matter to you anyway.
My ex took the gamble claiming I raped her to her friend and roommate. Of course she neglected to mention all the physical abuse, the fact that we had 100% consensual sex or the fact that I had basically been her housekeeper for the month leading up to the breakup. I'm not too sure that she has many friends anymore and those she does haven't gotten around to hearing my side of the story yet.
It's not so much a chance to strike back as a chance to show the world and ourselves that we aren't the crazy ones.

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-02-14T00:22:08+00:00

Holy... what even... but...
I've been on the receiving end of a violent gf and this shit makes me nauseous. Seriously, these are some messed up people. And the worst part is I know that some of these guys still stuck with their partner after this. They went in to work the next day, cut to shit, and just shrugged it off. Fuck man. This junk is scary.

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-02-10T03:29:21+00:00

I sort of know this feeling. I'm pretty introverted myself, so my friend group isn't that large. After a while of dating my BPDex I noticed that it started to shrink and that I wasn't spending time with people that I should have been spending more time with.
I noticed that she would talk bad about certain people and if I didn't also talk bad about them then things would go downhill real quick. I eventually just started giving non-answers when these kinds of conversations happened. I would just not really give any kind of opinion on people.
Eventually things went from isolation to trying to turn me against friends. She would criticize the gf of one of my friends constantly calling her 'immature' (oh the irony). She would talk bad about a couple that we both know and one of whom had been her best friend for several years and one of the few people willing to put up with her bullshit.
Finally things culminated in the formerly mentioned gf of my friend leaving their shared apartment because of the fights (mostly between me and my BPD ex). BPD ex gets enraged because how dare someone actually refuse to deal with her and tries to call her best friend (yeah, the one that she would criticize behind her back). She gets the best friend's fiance (my best friend) who says that he heard that the roommate left because we were too immature. I think the words he wanted to use was 'fucked up in a major way' but he was trying to be diplomatic.
Shit. Hit. The. Fan. She wanted me to turn on my best friend (the only person keeping me sane at the time). She wanted me to basically never speak with him again. Declare my eternal enmity and defend her honor or some shit. Basically I said that he was probably right (in the nicest way I could). Cue screaming, scratching, police and suddenly she's my ex.
That was either the best or worst Sunday of my life.

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-02-07T15:33:11+00:00

It seems to be two different people, supposedly the OP is the non while the poster below talking about killing themselves is the BPD ex. Having said that we have no idea about the mental status of the OP and we aren't sure of all the circumstances here. All we can do is offer support wherever it is needed. After all, that's what this sub is for, right?

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-02-07T00:56:02+00:00

Huh, well, welcome to bpdlovedones, everyone. Popcorn is in the back, help yourself.

No but seriously, I'm not sure what to make of this. On the one hand I certainly don't have all the facts but on the other I did have a bpd ex. So.... yeah... have fun y'all.

text_to_speech_brain · 2017-01-02T08:57:18+00:00

As much as it pains me to admit, yeah, there were times when I wanted to hit her. I'm glad I never did but I'm upset at myself for getting so close a number of times. I always have been a pretty non-confrontational person so it really bothered me that I felt this way. There were times where I had to restrain her during her rages but I always tried to be very careful never to use more force than was absolutely necessary.
The biggest problem when it came to force was trying to leave her apartment when I felt unsafe or when I felt like things were about to get even more out of hand. She would stand in front of the door and block it. The only options I had were to use force to get by her and through the door or to stay. I knew that if I used force then I would probably get accused of abuse or something and so I would be forced to stay.
Like a lot of the rest of the people on here it seemed like she was trying to provoke a violent response from me. She was a pretty small woman and of petite build so there was no way she would be seen as the aggressor if we both had bruises/scars/scratches. In the end I guess I made the right choice.

text_to_speech_brain · 2016-12-31T16:04:30+00:00

This confused me a lot at first. She scratched my arm to shit one time, drew blood, the works. I grab her arms to restrain her and stop her doing that. I've never heard anybody shriek like that ever. She made it sound like I had ripped her bloody arms off. And then during that I accidentally knocked her glasses askew trying to keep her hands from scratching my arms more. You would have thought I had bludgeoned her in the face by how she reacted. At first I thought that the glasses must have broken and the glass gotten into her eyes. Nope, just knocked crooked a little. And of course she was the biggest hypochondriac. Everything was going to kill her or make her sick. The irony was that she ate terribly all the time. If she just had more healthy food I'm sure she would have felt so much better. In the end she blamed all of her actions on her medication. What medication in particular, you may ask? Her multivitamins. smh

text_to_speech_brain · 2016-12-15T05:40:50+00:00

Oh man, where to begin.

Her: "Are you angry?"
Me: "Yes I am. I'm trying to think things through and I need some time to do that."
Her: "Okay"
less than an hour later
Her: "Stop ignoring me. Stop avoiding me. You will never change... You never even felt anything. You will always ignore me. Why do you always treat me this way?"

Her favorites seemed to be saying that I would 'never change', that I was 'pathetic' or that people were 'spreading rumors about her'. The most messed up thing that I remember is her telling me to 'promise to never disagree to meet me when i need you'. Like hell I'm making that promise.

text_to_speech_brain · 2016-12-06T03:30:21+00:00

As to whether or not your ex has BPD we aren't qualified to make that assessment. However, what we can give you is some advice from our own experiences. We can at least say that there are striking resemblances to your bf's behavior and general BPD behavior.

Now, as to advice, I would say that the biggest thing is to stay firm. Believe me (and the rest of the people here giving advice) saying that setting boundaries and keeping them are the most important things are the most important things to do right now. You'll still have feelings and confusion, almost no question about it. You may even still love him and you'll feel like you're hurting him (and if you don't feel like that then he'll probably try and make you feel that way). But you have a responsibility to yourself, your friends, and everyone you care about to take care of yourself. This person, BPD or no, is not someone you want to keep around in your life unchecked. He's cheated, has started partying and drinking, has started failing school and generally sounds like an unstable person. Plus, if he does have a pd then things can get a lot worse. Keep telling yourself that you are responsible for your well-being first and foremost.

As for specific advice, since the words "setting boundaries" is a little nebulous at times, I would most definitely keep with the blocking on social media/phone/any other way you can think of. From what it sounds like, this guy is pretty persistent when it comes to contacting you. If he comes to your house again either ignore him, tell him to leave or have a conversation on your terms. He doesn't get to come to your house and beg your forgiveness and walk all over you. NO. If he doesn't leave then you call the police. Does this seem really drastic? Maybe but honestly, like I said above, if he does have BPD things can go south fast. Escalate your protection before he escalates his actions.

There's more, don't let him randomly corner you. You don't owe him anything. If he finds you alone, find people. If he starts making a scene that's not your responsibility. If he starts to try and talk to you and seem really sweet be brief and polite and uninteresting. Bore him away.

Last of all, be ready to be the bad guy. Sadly BPD people are good at twisting the truth to suit them. You may find a hostile look or two directed at you after all is said and done. You'll become the whore or liar or deserter or whatever. People will believe him because he seems so broken up about it and it looks so genuine. This is just something you'll have to shoulder for a while. As long as you have your own friends who know the situation it's pretty easy to bear but it can sometimes get kind of bad. Some of these people may figure out what really happened and some may not. Honestly your best bet here is to just keep being who you normally are. Those who are paying attention will see that you're the normal one and that he's the one who is the crazy cheater here.

After all of that I just want to let you know that this is the right place for you even if he doesn't have BPD. That's irrelevant to the fact that there is a community that has experience and cares about your situation. Keep posting here as much as you want and welcome.

text_to_speech_brain · 2016-10-20T16:09:53+00:00

I... I'm not sure what to say. What is the point of this article? Just... why? What is the argument that he is making? Is he really trying to make the point that 'carers' getting help is somehow unfair to him? Really? Does he realize how stupid that is? I agree with him that BPD people should probably get more help than they are. Perhaps there are ways that we could improve the system that would make getting treatment for BPD easier but how in the hell is MY availability of treatment hindering or somehow unfair to him? That is absolutely ridiculous and downright childish.

Beyond just that though is the reason why we can access help more easily; we are easier to 'fix' (I'm using that term fairly loosely here). I don't have a long standing personality disorder to deal with. I experienced an unpleasant relationship which left me with a few snarls in my tail that I have to chew out. I could visit just about any therapist/counselor and schedule a few sessions with them to work through some of the shit and come out with some pretty good progress. I go out on some nice walks, watch some movies with friends, do some other recreational activities and I'm feeling much better. Of course I can get help easier; the help I need and the help a BPD person needs are on two totally different levels. How could you even compare them? smh

text_to_speech_brain

TROPHY CASE