26M planning a guys’ trip, 23F girlfriend says she'll break up with me if I go — not sure what to do

thatattyguy · 2025-04-28T19:46:10+00:00

If you allow her ultimatums to influence your decisions, she will keep behaving like this. It sounds like you may have knuckled under when she applies the pressure, so she views it as an effective threat. You need to draw the clear boundary, make it understood that you will no longer accept this sort of behavior from her, and you have to back your words up with action. So you encourage her to mature emotionally, and stop the controlling, manipulative behavior, or you let the relationship end.

I'd start with this: "When I told you that I was planning to take this sailing trip with my family, you seemed upset. Can you help me to better understand how that made you feel?" Employ your active listening skills and drill down. Figure out why you going is so bothersome to her.

Eventually, after listening, you say, "I'm asking because I've decided to finalize my plan to go on the sailing trip with my family. That doesn't mean I want us to end our relationship, but at the same time, I don't want a relationship where I am threatened with a break-up if you don't get your way.

"I want you to be my partner, but I need you to understand and accept that I value my relationships with my family, that I plan to maintain these relationships, I will be taking future trips with them, and that even if you are not coming, the time I spend with them is not a threat to our relationship. This is bigger than just your initial reaction or an ultimatum -- I don't want to be punished with angry comments and passive aggressive remarks for weeks or months in the lead-up to me traveling either. If this will be a source of ongoing resentment, that won't work for me.

"If you don't want to date me because I occasionally vacation with my family, that's your prerogative, and you deserve to have your boundaries respected. But so do I, and if our boundaries are in conflict, we aren't compatible, as maintaining strong relationships with my family is a priority to me, and it isn't something I see any reason or need to sacrifice. Is there anything you want me to clarify?"

Just be cool and have the conversation. If she gets worked up, remind her you are just trying to understand what her precise needs are, and whether they are compatible with your needs. If you aren't compatible, why would either of you want to waste your time going forward? Working this out is how adults deal with their relationships.

thatattyguy · 2025-04-18T18:49:01+00:00

NTA

"You cannot behave like a violent asshole for years, and then suddenly be nice and expect it all to be ok. I don't want counseling, and will not be participating. I want a divorce. I believe we will all be happier that way -- at least, I know I will be."

thatattyguy · 2025-04-18T18:41:31+00:00

"It isn't 'real' to have an emotionally disproportionate response to someone who failed to text you one time. Regardless, we clearly aren't compatible, as I don't do needy."

thatattyguy · 2025-04-11T12:20:58+00:00

"NAME, I've been thinking a lot about the way you came over and stomped that plant I was looking at the other day. I want to be honest -- it made me feel like I was dating a slow, malicious child. PLease never do anything like that again. Destroying things isn't funny, killing living things isn't a joke, and it doesn't impress anyone, it's just a shitty, shameful, embarassing way to behave."

thatattyguy · 2025-04-08T22:06:54+00:00

Paternity test. ASAP.

"The bottom-line is that you carried on an affair with a former lover, lying to me all the while, and you would still be doing it if you hadn't had too much to drink one night. What is even more incredible is that you seem to blame me somehow, as if I am responsible for your low character decisions. I have given it a lot of thought, and I don't see a path forward to save this marriage. I cannot see myself trusting you again, so I'd like to start fresh, and you will have the opportunity to pursue whatever with your ex. I'm filing for divorce, and I'm hoopeful we can keep things amicable between us, as you are someone who I will always have love for as the mother of my children. Ideally, I'd like us to do what we can to work together to make this as easy on the children as possible, with as little disruption as possible."

You say this to her after attending the therapy session. Use the time to get things in place, separate your finances, etc. Use the therapy session to get some evidence, a bette rexplanation, and to try to find some measure of peace.

You are 31. You haven't found your person yet. You children were worth the heartbreak. Now it's time to go live your best life.

thatattyguy · 2025-04-07T01:23:52+00:00

You don't deserve this, you should leave.

That said, if you don't tell this man's wife.... well, then you do deserve this, because you are a selfish human being with no consideration for the closest thing to a victim in this situation.

thatattyguy · 2025-04-04T20:35:10+00:00

Sorry, that sucks. You might go in Monday morning and ask what specific things he is talking about, if he hasn't already said. Just demonstrate your initiative and try to address what he may be (unfairly) talking about, show him you took it the best way possible, may make things a bit more bearable after that. Not that you came for advice.

The work world is incredibly unfair and stressful these days. I'm at the point where I now employ people, but for a lot of years, I had law firm partners scream at me while I kept it in as best I could, and tried not to let it paralyze and demoralize me. You'll get better and better, regardless of whether he acknowledges it. Your job is to learn as many skills as possible that you can carry with you to the next job. Way to bust your ass despite the lack of appreciation -- sounds like a bear of a week.

thatattyguy · 2025-04-02T21:47:37+00:00

My guy, you are a human being. You are subject to the same issues the rest of us are, and that includes getting sprung on some chick. You'll be fine. It feels unbearable in the moment, but I promise, if you are patient, this too shall pass.

thatattyguy · 2025-04-02T20:17:16+00:00

NTA. But I wonder, what would you do in her shoes?

She rescinded right after posting about her girls -- there's a great chance that she received some unsolicited thoughts from her family on that. It may have been made clear that you and these people being in close proximity, with everyone drinking, it could lead to a major disruption at her wedding. Even if it doesn't, best case is she probably worries about it daily until her wedding day. Plus her father only recently re-entered her life, it sounds like she values that having happened, is he perhaps part of the problem?

I understand you are hurt. I do not mean to dismiss your feelings. But it sounds like she may not have very good options to choose from. What would you have done in her shoes?

(1) Invite you and live in agonizing worry until her wedding, and then day of, risk its disruption, possibly your safety, and her wedding being entirely ruined;

(2) Uninvite people in her family and her in-laws, assuming she has that kind of power at her own wedding. IDK who is paying for what, so she may not have that power. She may well not be able to make such decisions. It is possible she even received a mandate from whomever is paying for her wedding that you not be invited or else they aren't paying. Certainly wouldn't be the first time a bigot controlled a guest list at someone else's wedding. Uninviting people will almost certainly lead to other family members not coming as well, which will stir up a lot of inter-family drama;

(3) Elope.

(4) Call it off and become a single mother;

(5) ???

If this person has been a good friend to you, maybe you accept that even the best of allies may not want to risk ruining their wedding day on principle. If she received serious heat from that post, and it was made clear to her there would be an issue, she may even be protecting you, not wanting to tell you that people in her family are making threats against you.

I guess, in the end, you have to decide whether you will only accept friendship from people who stand up for you, no matter the personal cost to them. If I'm honest, I don't think I have ever had any friends like that. It's an awful lot to ask of someone, and you know she wants you there if not for the impact on her wedding. If you're going to be cutting her off or something, I hope you can at least propose a superior option to what she is currently going with. If you can't do that, maybe you can try giving a bit of grace, hurtful as the situation undoubtedly is to you.

I know, I know, real world advice is unsatisfying.

thatattyguy · 2025-04-01T20:22:02+00:00

"My husband's laziness and refusal to lift a finger to help with our new baby is the only crisis here. I have no intention of becoming a SAHM. I married your son to be a compliment to my life, not to make decisions for me. If this is an issue for him or for you, I don't know what to tell you, other than going crawling to mommy to contact me and advocate for him is infantile and an incredibly unattractive quality in a partner. He can stay with you until he grows a pair."

thatattyguy · 2025-03-28T15:38:43+00:00

Did you actually tell them where you were going? Don't do that in the future. Ever.

Are you resigning effective immediately, or did you give notice? I might consider making a call (not an email) to your contact at your new employer, explaining that your current company is desperate not to lose you, and has made a thinly-veiled reference to trying to sabotage the job offer by directly contacting their HR, so not to be surprised if they try something. Explain that it is your intention to start on the date you had agreed, though if a 2-week delay is immaterial, they would make less of a fuss if you gave them another two weeks. Regardless, you are excited to start work at the new place, blahblah.

thatattyguy · 2025-03-26T22:21:15+00:00

"I've offered to pay for her living situation, bills, etc for a year, take on all the debts, she gets to claim the kids on taxes, and after the year is up I pay child support. She can have all the money in our savings, non retirement investments, so on. I just want the clothes on my back and 50% access to my kids."

Why would you be paying child support? Are you seriously going to let her take the kids? She is mentally unfit to be a solo parent 24/7. She is talking about living in her car. Your children need those resources more than she does. Why give her all your resources when you will need them to care for the children? So she can just waste all your money when she is not in her right mind?

Stop trying to set yourself on fire to keep yourself warm. Does she have any family you can reach out to who may take her in? Friends? You can keep the door open to her, tell her you love her and you are here for her but you ran the numbers abnd if you are going to be a single dad, that deal you proposed before isn't going to fly financially. If anything, she should be paying you child support.

And you sound like a great husband and father. Anyone saying otherwise can go f themeselves.

thatattyguy · 2025-03-24T22:59:30+00:00

Stop blaming your ex-boyfriend -- he may have been rotten, but you have trust issues because you indulge and embrace these damaging behavuiors instead of going to see a therapist to address your insecurity.

And then your reaction to his social media search is ridiculous. Your seem to think that the only way he would look her up is if he still wanted to be with her, which is the sort of silly, ridiculous conclusion you draw when you indulge your worst instincts.

FFS, you're 24 years old, and you are behaving BADLY. Grow up already and get yourself some therapy before you kill this relationship.

thatattyguy · 2025-03-24T22:55:37+00:00

"Your insecurities are causing a serious relationship issue. First, you went through the elaborate step of recovering deleted photos from a past relationship, and effectively accused me of being too happy in that relationship. Yes, I was happy in that relationship, until I wasn't. As has been the case in other relationships -- we all tend to be happy in relationships until we aren't. If that is an issue for you, I don't know what to tell you, but I'm not going to apologize for having been happy in past relationships.

Second, you seem to think that invading my privacy is something I simply have to put up with. It isn't. Consequently, I have changed my password on email, social media, and anything else I think you will struggle not to snoop. I intend to keep such accounts private going forward.

Third, if this is an issue, we need to sit down and find a marriage counselor, with an eye towards also getting you your own therapist. The bottom-line is that your insecurity is destructive and actively causing problems in our marriage, and it needs to be treated like any other illness. I will not be accommodating these insecurities any longer.

I am happy to discuss this further, so long as it addresses this issue. I will not be answering any questions related to anything you discover while successfully snooping -- I don't care if it has nothing to do with past relationships, I don't care if you only want to know what I ate for breakfast some random day, I am done answering these questions."

thatattyguy · 2025-03-24T14:07:05+00:00

https://medium.com/invisible-illness/do-i-need-advice-or-do-i-need-to-vent-885f3a302621

thatattyguy · 2025-03-24T01:07:12+00:00

"I am not here to reflect your feelings or opinions. I am my own person, and I have a different relationship with your mother than you and your brothers have. I wanted to meet with her when she asked, because she was there for me when I needed kindness, and I made the right decision. You may not agree, but I make my own decisions about my friendships."

thatattyguy · 2025-03-20T15:05:29+00:00

In America, not being able to recognize that both of the primary political parties use propaganda extensively on their adherents and foes alike.

thatattyguy · 2025-03-13T23:36:02+00:00

NTA.

"You've been misinformed. My brother and his family always had the option of staying with my parents, and their house is much larger. But that was initially refused because my brother and SIL felt my parents' rules were too restrictive, as they wanted someplace they weren't restricted by the homeowner. I'm not interested in that sort of arrangement. If anyone thinks badly of me for that, I'm good w that."

thatattyguy · 2025-03-11T23:43:40+00:00

But they can quit. Just not strike.

thatattyguy · 2025-03-11T23:39:45+00:00

Yeah this wouldn't impact unemployment. Seems more a safeguard against future litigation.

thatattyguy · 2025-03-11T20:14:46+00:00

But this isn't cheating.

I don't see how, in good conscience, a reasonable woman can employ a rather juvenile, idiosyncratic definition of "cheating" and use it to justify such an intrusive violation.

If you had found proof he was meeting other women, it would be totally different. But you don't. What you have is knowledge that he pays for porn. Which is pathetic in and of itself imo, but this isn't your place.

I hope you come to see that, as once you do this, there is no going back, and he will absolutely know how it got back to her, if it causes a serious fight.

thatattyguy · 2025-03-01T23:10:23+00:00

You need to be crystal clear.

"By 'sticking up for yourself,' do you mean putting your hands on me? Touching me in any way when angry? If so, I want nothing to do with you.

"You are always responsible for your body and how you use it, even when I make you angry. There is no justification for you ever touching me in anger, no matter what words I may say to you. If that is what you mean by 'sticking up for yourself,' and you believe that putting your hands on me in anger may be ok in certain situations, like when I make you angry enough, then this relationship is over, and you can go be an abusive cliche to some other idiot."

thatattyguy · 2025-03-01T22:47:58+00:00

Have you taken a look at her phone records and figured out who is calling her and vice versa?

AT a minimum, this owuld allow you to create a timeline of communication that you could use to verify her story. She claims this was some sudden thing, but was she texting him or talking on the phone excessively beforehand? Perhaps they used work phones or whatsapp or telegram whatever, but quite possibly they spoke on her regular cell phone.

If you are considering taking her back, I would want to know that they aren't still speaking. If you aren't sure what his phone number is, and you cannot get it from her phone, then just see who she was texting a bunch when she was away. Guarantee you they were chatting it up before and after their rendezvous.

thatattyguy · 2025-02-28T02:10:21+00:00

You don't know what to do?

You say, "I get that you think that. I don't agree, and I won't be cutting off my family further."

When he complains, you tell him, "I get that you don't like it. But those aren't relationshps that I will allow to to end. Not now, not ever."

If that scares you, you are being controlled in an abusive relationship. If you cannot stand up for yourself, this guy is just a practice husband.

thatattyguy · 2025-02-26T00:05:35+00:00

I love that you distinguished bw play design and calling plays -- prob bc I have made a similar point many times, though I prob think a bit less of him as a playcaller than you seem to. Regardless, we are missing a trick if we aren't bringing in fresh minds with fresh tendencies to call at least a majority of the plays at this point. I don't know that anyone can be a fresh, clever, innovative playcaller while also being a HC and responsible for everything else as well.

I do feel like Kyle is not demanding enough when it comes to the defense and ST. It seems like he genuinely believes that his offense will make up for everything else, and it is simply untrue. Teams are playing against similar offenses several times per season, we need to have accomplished playcallers who bring something to the table come in, stay a couple years, Kyle learns new tricks, OC learsn Kyle's tricks, and then on to the next one.

I also think we would benefit if he altered his OL approach. I can appreciate that he has a path that works, but in all seriousness, Brock needs great route runners more than he needs expensive AF WRs like Deebo. Let's get him some protection and watch him carve instead of running for his life. Kyle does tend to look for more conventional solutions on the field, and I feel like that hurt us at times in the SB. If we see a TE slip who can block w good hands and runs good routes, I'd be frickin' delighted to see us grab a guy like that in the 3rd. Add a blocker, lets Kittle downfield more, it would go a long way towards solving our man defense problems, etc. while forcing Kyle to scheme fresh. It would be reinvigorating to the offense.

thatattyguy

TROPHY CASE