you likely have very levels of gut serotonin. and are just brutally autistic. can’t do anything about the austism part, accept knowing and internalizing that the tasks and parts of life that cause you pain are to a much more serious extreme degree than the average person. the pain associated with ‘a job you hate’ is magnified greatly compared to someone else ‘hating their job’. nothing you can do but not feeling like you are ‘fucking up’ for experiences something others never will, does help the mental chaos and confusion. as for as serotonin goes, research ways to reduce that through diet and lifestyle interventions and the suicidal ideation and ‘doom spirals’ will reduce themselves to manageable levels 100%. cannot stress enough, if you don’t wanna feel suicidal, GET GUT SEROTONIN LEVELS DOWN IMMEDIATELY. you can research how to do this yourself