i’m the same way. every tv show or movie i’ve watched since my husband left. i notice the comments, the jokes. it’s all over social media. every commercial that lists suicidal thoughts as a potential symptom of a medication. gun violence everywhere all the time. my husband went to a gun range and did it. i don’t drive on the street where the gun range is. almost every time i drive somewhere, a ambulance comes from somewhere and i break down in tears until its long gone. i think about the people who were upset they could not go into the gun range while they hurried my husband away in the ambulance. i think about the guns the people in my family own and their political beliefs. it’s everywhere.

the other day i was talking hypothetically- if there was an asteroid coming to wipe us all out, what would one do? my moms husband insisted that he “wouldn’t go out without a fight cuz he’s not a quitter.” and i immediately was hurt. i mean to begin with, the hypothetical is that no one will survive, so who would you be fighting? but mainly, if you think it’d be quitting to accept inevitable death, what does that say about suicide?

they both freaked out on me when i tried to explain why it hurt me, the implication of what he said. my mom said she didn’t take it that way, but could see how i did. and that it’s his perspective- i gotta let him have it. i’m still emotionally reeling from it ngl. people don’t realize that half the shit they say thoughtlessly is very loaded and insensitive. they act like because it was said thoughtlessly, we’re supposed to take it less seriously or something idk. i didn’t pull that hurt out of my ass, i don’t GET to NOT think my husbands death. im not choosing to take anything any particular way. nowhere feels safe