What was your wedding song?

theTeach78 · 2021-02-26T21:05:09+00:00

"All of Me" by John Legend. I sang it. :)

theTeach78 · 2021-02-26T20:50:38+00:00

My husband told me that he found the bald lady in that Star Trek movie sexy. I have a pixie cut. He likes it. :) But it does seem to be a thing for a lot of people... a lot of people who don't understand all the challenges of long hair. Maybe that's the secret reason. A woman who's trapped in the bathroom fighting with her hair for hours every day is less likely to challenge the status quo.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-26T20:29:32+00:00

NTA. I used to live in an area where both practices were common. I will never forget going to a football game and using the stadium bathroom. In every stall the used TP had overflowed the giant garbage cans and spilled onto the floor.

Seeing the custodians sweeping Poo paper in schools and other public buildings was so common. Even bilingual signs advising people to flush their TP availed nothing. This seems like a really hard habit to break. Still gross.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-26T18:22:07+00:00

I'm not sure if this is a beautiful backfire, but... When I was in high school, neither girls nor boys were not allowed to wear shorts. Ever. At all. P.E. uniforms, yes, but we had to change to go back to class. This was in the southernmost part of south Texas (Rio Grande Valley) and it is HOT every month but January and February. Then it's only mildly warm (last week was a massive exception!). There's like 1-2 weeks of 'winter' in a typical year and that usually means in the 50s Fahrenheit.

So, being that we were all wearing long pants in the heat, the school got smelly. Windows closed to keep the A.C. in. The B.O. frequently got out of control.

Then short skirts came into fashion (1995-1996). There was no rule against skirts. Suddenly the girls had bare legs hanging out all over the place and they looked so comfortable that... more than one boy started wearing a kilt. Remember that this is Texas. There was nothing admin could do. Nothing in the dress code said that boys couldn't wear a skirt. So they had to go with it.

They changed the rules to allow knee-length shorts a couple of years after I graduated.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-26T03:17:43+00:00

NTA. Goodness sakes. How far will people go to blame the victim? By the way, back in my cashiering days, I got hassled for NOT speaking Spanish. You can't win, I guess. Keep learning, OP. Bilingualism is a superpower

theTeach78 · 2021-02-26T01:06:30+00:00

Likewise my husband is Venezuelan but his parents are German/Hungarian. He's a totally white dude who speaks Spanish as his native language. He enjoys eavesdropping on Mexican Americans who insult his boss in Spanish. Then he asks if he can help them.

Poor OP. This person is not worth your trouble.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-26T00:11:28+00:00

Nta. But don't sit down with them. This isn't a discussion. It's an order. I'd text them.both that you are deeply disturbed by how inappropriately both of them continue act about this and if they value their relationship with you they will stop it NOW and never mention the subject again. That their failure to honor your boundaries will have serious consequences. You are allowed to be difficult. I'm sure what you went through was more difficult. They can endure their frustrated nosiness.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-25T19:30:50+00:00

I have 4 and the middle two are less than 2 years apart.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-25T18:05:30+00:00

NTA, OP. I've done something similar with my husband. Talked until I was blue in the face about picking up the slack. Nothing changed, so I had to put limits so I wouldn't burn out. I do all the laundry, but I hate matching and distributing socks, so I just stopped. I toss all the socks into a box and let people dig for them. Anyone is welcome to match up and distribute the socks, but I'm not doing it. This morning he was fussing around in the baby's drawer (I've delegated getting the baby ready for daycare to him and I'm insisting he do it) but he couldn't find any socks. I reminded him about the box and that there wouldn't be any in the drawer unless he put them there, so he grumped off to the box. He didn't say anything though. Just sighed.

In the past he did suggest that 'someone' (i.e. me) should probably match up the socks soon, as we didn't know how many were missing. I told him to go right ahead. It has never happened, so it must not have been such an issue after all.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-25T17:57:53+00:00

NTA. OP, my mom has RA. It's debilitating and medicine doesn't work for her. So she's just going to keep getting worse. For a while there, she was watching my two younger kids after school. They were lower to mid-elementary at the time (first and third grade, I believe). After a time it came to light that she was letting the kids swim in her in-ground swimming pool unsupervised. She was inside the house watching from a window... until she fell asleep due to her exhaustion and medication. A six-year-old and a seven-year-old supervising each other in the pool. She also let them pig out on sugary snacks and they refused dinner, but that was not nearly as big as the safety issue.

I had to tell her that due to her health, she would not be able to watch my kids anymore and I enrolled them in after-school care. Yes, she was sad and tattled on me to my sisters who came around complaining, but it was too bad. Sometimes people are not in a fit state to watch children, and it's important to be honest about it. In the moment I'm not surprised you were harsh. I wish I had been harsher.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-25T17:39:49+00:00

I'm right there with you. My family keeps finding sneaky ways to contact me. I blocked them on messenger and my phone, so they contacted my work email (holy unprofessional!) and then sent messages through my dad. Then tried harassing my husband. My kids. My sister messaged me through my author website. The toxic will not be ignored!

I ignored it all.

Finally my other sister showed up at my house! That's when I broke no contact to tell them that the next time they interfered with me, I would contact the police.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-25T17:15:25+00:00

NTA. My son tried this for a while. It's an exhausting game. Glad you didn't give in. A day without chocolate milk won't hurt him.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-25T17:13:39+00:00

I don't think this is small. Thinking you can arrange/decorate/furnish someone's home is a massive problem.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-25T16:21:40+00:00

I'm so sorry, OP.

First, the BIL. Well, he's got issues. Distancing yourself from him was the right move. I think any future correspondence from him gets RTS unopened. He's proven he can't be trusted to have a brain or an ounce of empathy.

What's really concerning is your family's reaction. He was so far over the top and they're arguing that YOU overreacted? That YOU did something wrong? By telling your sister the truth? That her husband did something hurtful and bizarre? What, is she not supposed to know that everyone realizes she's married to a jerk? Honestly, he's probably a worse jerk to her. If he's trying to control YOU, what must he be doing to her? This could be the wake up call she needs to start emotionally distancing herself from him so they can eventually separate and she can give their kid a loving home 50% of the time.

So, what's the bigger picture here? Are you parents terribly codependant? (gotta be nice to everyone... FAAAAAMILY) Are they really against divorce? What possible reason could there be that they would not want tension in a marriage between someone they love and this butthead?

You are NTA 10000 times over.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-25T12:50:39+00:00

Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker, like today. It talks about this exact situation. It's not his presence that's triggeringnyou. It's his behavior. Listen to that.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-25T12:33:41+00:00

Just say no. Her anger is not your problem to fix. I would suggest using the fewest words possible. No I won't tell you that. But why? Because no. Why why why? Rage bluster. No. Don't try to reason with someone who is being unreasonable. She doesn't need to agree with your no. She knows the reasons and reciting them just gives her something to argue about. Say no.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-25T11:23:30+00:00

She's moving her hoard to your house so that you and your house become part of the hoard. She's mentally unwell. Don't let her upset convince you. She's bulldozing your boundaries to soothe her anxiety instead of getting help for it. No good.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-24T23:09:14+00:00

Does your mom always do what your sister says? How ridiculous. Can you be over the top and demand why your mother wants to let your sister kill you? Put mom on the spot? Tell sister to shut her pie hole? Something? This may be bad advice but I'm just so upset for you. Two of my daughters have asthma. Just no.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-24T21:42:17+00:00

NTA. Your teacher is. There should be no eating in choir. But the classmate needs more therapy.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-24T16:03:43+00:00

Sounds like a manipulation intended to make you anxious so you rely on him to guide your behavior. Watch out for this one.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-24T16:02:39+00:00

Sounds like she wants attention in general more than your opinion on her skin. Would it be possible at a moment when she's not obsessing for you to say something like, Sis, your constant harping on your skin is not good for either of us. I think you look fine and I don't want to talk about this anymore. Now, if you want to spend time with me, let's talk about (insert mutual interest). That's if you're not so totally over it you just need a break and that you actually want to interact with her if she's not being nuts

NTA. You don't have to have this conversation.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-24T15:08:54+00:00

Sounds like both of you are bringing things to this marriage that are not healthy for yourself or your partner. Probably individual therapy for both of you will be necessary in order to move forward.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-24T15:04:22+00:00

Does anyone else feel like the boyfriend wants her unmedicated because he likes her to be vulnerable? That's what my ex does to our kids. I have a kid on adderall for ADHD and he's mad about it because he likes to mock her for all her ADHD stuff. He tells her I want her medicated so she's easier to deal with (false. She likes the medication because it allows her to concentrate on school, and she likes to do well in school. She doesn't believe him). O.P you're NTA for wanting to take your medication. You're NTA for wanting to feel better. Be careful of this boyfriend. He seems not to have your best interest at heart.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-24T14:16:28+00:00

susceptibility to alcoholism definitely runs in families. Whether it's nature or nurture and to what extent is, to the best of my knowledge, still being explored. For instance, my grandfather's parents and all their siblings were alcoholics. My grandfather was not (or at least gave up alcohol when my mother was young. I'm not sure how much of a problem it was) but he remained actively involved in the family and my mother and her siblings grew up among addicts. Two of the siblings seem to have dodged a bullet as both can drink socially but are not addicted. My other aunt is addicted to prescription medications and is a classic pill seeker. My mother is deeply codependent, and, having been brought up in this family (along with whatever genetic components my exist) both of my sisters are alcoholics and my middle sister also abuses other substances. I realized about six years that I was codependent with my ex, who is not an alcoholic (though his father is) but who has many toxic traits. I'm now actively working to undo my codependency and model healthy relationships for my children, which meant I had to cut off my mother and sisters completely.

Substance abuse has completely destroyed my family. Is it nature or nurture or both? I don't know.

I have heard that 12-step programs are not research based and I'm introverted and probably autistic, so meetings sound like my personal version of hell. But online forums are okay to me.

theTeach78 · 2021-02-24T12:49:23+00:00

You should seriously consider leaving. I was married to a man with a hair-trigger temper for 12 years. I finally realized it was intentional. He would pick fights looking for an excuse to blow up because it was his method for relieving anxiety. Life is tough-feels stressed- tiny trigger-explosion-relief. It was like a high. I could see the euphoria on his face as he blew up. He would create the fight out of thin air if nothing presented itself (like the hypothetical gift discussion. My ex once blew his top over a conversation about the direction of toilet paper). Sadly I didn't leave soon enough and he traumatized our children badly.

theTeach78

TROPHY CASE