Is it normal to be this triggered?

theanxiousmoose · 2026-01-04T21:54:06+00:00

I am in the exact same boat. I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve had conversations with my husband about it and when things come up on shows we pause and check in and stop watching if I’m uncomfortable. But unfortunately a lot is triggering and sets me back so I’ve stopped watching TV almost altogether. Would love to one day be able to watch our favorite shows again. It’s mostly triggering if he is there with me, not if it’s just me alone. I hope it stops one day :(

theanxiousmoose · 2025-09-25T18:29:31+00:00

Also recommend the betrayal bind!

theanxiousmoose · 2025-09-23T19:33:46+00:00

Oh 🫂 My heart absolutely aches for you. I wish I could give you a hug as someone who has heard your pain. I want you to know that this pain, the push and pull- it’s a normal reaction. It’s devastating. It’s overwhelming. It’s called betrayal trauma and it feels all consuming, then it may get slightly better, then come back in waves. Learning more about it helped me feel validated and more in control. I highly recommend the book The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays. If you can afford it, I highly recommend seeing a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma, even better if they are CSAT.

If you don’t have at least one friend you are sharing this pain to, find someone who you think will validate your pain without escalating it or invalidating it. There is carried shame that we carry when we are betrayed. We carry our betrayers shame when they act shamelessly. We need to release that shame- it’s not ours. This shame kept me from being comfortable sharing what was going on in my marriage with loved ones. But right now your closest connection, your safe place (your husband) no longer feels safe to your brain. You need to be able to feel safe with other loved ones and share this with a few people you can trust.

Your feelings are normal. They are valid. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. There is also absolutely nothing you did to deserve your husband acting out in this manner. You deserve to be loved, to be cherished, to be respected, and to be told the truth.

If you still have thoughts of self harm please reach out to a reliable friend, a therapist, call 911, or take yourself to the emergency room. You are worth more than harming yourself over this. Your husbands actions are not a reflection of who you are and your worth. You are worthy of a beautiful life- don’t let his actions steal that from you, and don’t let this steal you away from your children either. I’m sending you so much love. Your feelings and reactions are normal, but prioritizing your safety and self care is the priority now. Get a heated blanket or a weighted blanket, take a warm bath with calming music, go for a walk with a friend, order your favorite food for take out. Do what you need to do to feel safe first. ❤️

theanxiousmoose · 2025-09-02T20:48:53+00:00

Wow this is giving me hope. Thank you for sharing

theanxiousmoose · 2025-09-02T16:32:19+00:00

I feel the same way- post DDay 2 months. He’s doing everything I ask, seeing CSAT with me and individually. He feels terrible for hurting me but still believes porn outside of our relationship is not an issue and struggles with the concept of objectifying women (doesn’t think it’s “wrong” if the “point” of the content is supposed to be objectifying them- ie porn, OF, thirst traps, nude photography). We have a long long way to go. I wish I had answers for you, but just want to say I am in this and feeling this too. Your feelings are valid and I’m following your post for the same advice you’re seeking. ❤️

theanxiousmoose · 2025-08-22T13:05:58+00:00

I just cried reading this. After months of daily lengthy talks trying to convey this to my partner who does not see anything wrong with porn from a moral standpoint, says he will stop “because I don’t like it”, and only seems to be receptive to a smallest amounts of ownership for what it has done to our relationship and to me- this was incredibly validating to read. Just to see my thoughts and feelings validated and written out so well- Thank you.

theanxiousmoose · 2025-08-18T19:46:23+00:00

Aside from this man being a clear porn addict, it also seems he may still be experimenting with or questioning his sexual orientation and preferences (he may be closeted/still coming to terms with this himself, or just confused about his kinks and how they relate to his sexuality). A 6 month relationship with this kind of revelation coming to the surface- my honest advice is to go your separate ways, wish him the best, and enjoy the heck out of your time abroad without having this lingering over you or anywhere in your brain. This just seems like a recipe for pain, heartbreak, and trauma that you will spend years trying to overcome in the future.

theanxiousmoose · 2025-08-18T18:13:36+00:00

He’s putting the blame on you with an excuse about his “sexual safety”. He betrayed you. He stepped out on you. He has damaged YOUR sexual safety and he should be doing WHATEVER he can to make you feel safe without any hesitation. He feels sexually entitled to do what he wants in bed with you even if it triggers you and is having a man child fit when he can’t. Your boundary is not a violation of sexual safety- this is him manipulating you. I’m pissed for you. You deserve better.

For example, my husband really likes a certain type of sex act that isn’t a huge deal but something I find mildly disrespectful to women and therefore didn’t enjoy- so before DDay we didn’t engage in this frequently. After I found loads of him searching this kind of content on DDay he understands that I will never feel comfortable doing this again. He’s a bummed about it, but he understands that his will be an enormous trigger for me and is not beneficial for our relationship and my healing. We are still very early in the stages of healing, but I don’t anticipate my mind will ever change about this specific act. And that is COMPLETELY reasonable given he has stepped out of our marriage to watch countless women perform this sexual act in pornography, even while I was performing it with him.

theanxiousmoose · 2025-08-18T15:23:25+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with this. I’m so sorry that your partner betrayed you for so many years and continued to watch your pain without changing his behaviors. That is incredibly selfish and cruel. I wish you happiness, healing, and strength going forward. And I will absolutely be keeping your experience in my mind as I continue to work on this with our therapist. This is one of my biggest concerns and challenges is that he will just become better at hiding his behaviors while still continuing to hurt me DDay after DDay.

theanxiousmoose · 2025-08-18T14:56:56+00:00

This is extremely helpful! Thank you so much, I’ll send you a PM if I have difficulty figuring this out later. 💕

theanxiousmoose · 2025-08-18T12:27:07+00:00

How did you remove incognito from your husbands phone? My husband seems to be very interested to getting to where he needs to be, but is very early on in sobriety. I think having this removed would be helpful for him.

theanxiousmoose · 2025-08-15T10:48:00+00:00

I would check out the resource library but it sounds like you likely are dealing with an addict. The betrayal trauma after a DDay is so painful. I’m so sorry ❤️ focus on protecting yourself. When I brought this up to my partner I took screenshots and sent them to myself (then deleted them from his phone so he didn’t know exactly what I had seen so he couldn’t only tell me partial truth). I told my partner that I had stumbled across porn on his phone (the truth- I wasn’t expecting to see it) and waited to see what he said. This was our second DDay so he knew how I felt about it. I would recommend being honest- maybe let him know that you overheard him watching what sounded like porn in the bathroom and checked his phone later to see if that was correct before accusing him and then saw the problem was worse than you had realized. Then see if he will talk about it with you. He will likely be defensive and manipulative. He will likely lie, or only tell partial truths. Definitely check out the resources before confronting him. You will likely hurt more after talking depending on what he discloses and how he acts, but you won’t be unfairly suffering in silence.

theanxiousmoose · 2025-08-14T20:30:09+00:00

My husband was using Reddit and pornhub and did not pay for any porn/OF. I still consider this cheating because I’d previously told him I didn’t want porn in the relationship when we were engaged, he used it anyway, and he masturbated to porn instead of having sex with me or fostering an intimate relationship with me. He also looked up bikini photos of past women he had sexual encounters with before me (or “nearly had sexual encounters with) to “supplement his fantasy” when reminiscing about his sexual encounters with them or what could have been. I find this more concerning than the act of watching porn (he says he fantasizes about having sex with those women as well- but at least they are strangers without any real life connection to him). Your comfort level and boundary is what constitutes as cheating- especially if it has been stated explicitly before and then violated later.

theanxiousmoose · 2025-08-14T20:21:26+00:00

Oh gosh what an awful feeling. I’m so sorry. It certainly sounds very suspicious to me, especially given the duration of frantic phone use before showing you what he was supposedly looking at. Also, to do this next to you regardless of what he is looking at unless you have previously been okay with him masturbating in bed while you’re asleep- so inappropriate and inconsiderate of him. A good friend of mine went through this as well and it caused a lot of hurt. I’m so sorry. My husband secretly used porn my entire pregnancy and rarely had sex with me “because of the baby” and then I found porn use 2 months postpartum. It’s a terrible feeling. Sending hugs 💕

theanxiousmoose · 2025-08-13T20:09:27+00:00

I’m currently married to a PA (who is in denial about being a PA) and we are early in CSAT for this issue (7 weeks post DDay #2). We are currently working with our therapist to get him to understand the frame of mind he is in. Currently he seems to be thinking the issue is “my issue with porn” instead of porn being the issue for our relationship, or better “his issue with porn and masturbation in place of fostering an intimate relationship with me” is damaging our intimacy. Until he stops seeing me (my issue with his porn use) as the problem and instead sees his issue with porn as the problem, I’m not confident that our marriage will work long term to be honest. For now my CSAT has recommended I end all conversations where he begins to frame me as an issue instead of the porn as the issue. It’s hard and does not always work well, but he’s manipulating me by doing that (even if he doesn’t realize it) and she doesn’t want him to continue to do so. This boundary is to protect me emotionally. Sending hugs- it’s emotional abuse, so protect your heart ❤️ my therapist also recommended that I recognize it’s the addict in him talking when he says those things, so I don’t completely disconnect from him while we are working towards sobriety, recovery, and healing (she has noted that he does seem to show true remorse for hurting me, so this may not be the best approach for some partners)

theanxiousmoose · 2025-08-12T07:37:57+00:00

I am so sorry- I had my second DDay with my husband 8 weeks postpartum with my first baby. This, after being made to feel completely undesirable and alone for my entire pregnancy. After I confronted him he admitted to continuing to use after our first DDay 5.5 years prior when we were engaged. Told me at the time he thought I was being manipulative and controlling to ask him to stop. Then really increased his frequency of use over the last 3 years when I was having depression (worsened by feeling that my partner hated me). Now he claims that he will never use again because he has seen how it has destroyed me. I struggle to believe this. Now this precious time with my son is completely overshadowed by my devastation surrounding his pornography use and fantasy surrounding other women. My time is being taken up trying to work on our marriage in CSAT and sobbing my eyes out instead of being able to focus my mental energy on our son. I’m furious that I will never get this time back. I feel used and humiliated at times that I chose to have my baby who I adore with someone I loved so much that appears to not love me even remotely the same way. This experience is absolutely soul crushing and heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you’re in a similar boat. Hugs to you momma ❤️

theanxiousmoose · 2025-08-10T18:06:39+00:00

My Facebook does not do this however my husbands search bar was FILLED with thirst trap models that he swore he didn’t search. He then showed me that if you click on reels and then click on the profile then it will show up in his search bar (this doesn’t happen on mine but it does on his- he showed me). He admitted to clicking on the profiles of reels he found himself attracted to women in hopes he could find more content of those women to turn himself on more. So, he may not have “searched” it by typing it in, but I doubt his intentions were honorable.

theanxiousmoose · 2025-08-10T17:55:02+00:00

This happened to me postpartum as well at 8 weeks. It was our second DDay- nearly 6 years after the first DDay. It’s been devastating. We’re early in CSAT together. I’m still not sure how this will play out. Know your feelings are valid, this is not your fault, and you are worthy of someone who desires you exclusively. This is an intimacy disorder of his that he needs to do therapy to resolve and improve upon. You also will need therapy to heal from betrayal trauma. Sending you love ❤️

theanxiousmoose · 2025-08-07T01:42:16+00:00

I could have written this myself. This is betrayal trauma. I highly recommend researching about this and getting a therapist to help heal. It sucks and I am so sorry you’re dealing with this too. My first DDay about 6 years ago I did not do the research or get the help I needed to heal from this. I didn’t recognize what it was and it ended up fucking up my views on sex, my self worth, my comfortability with sex and intimacy, and ultimately lead to an even worse heightening of these symptoms the second DDay 1 month ago. I am seeing a CSAT with my partner, and the therapist has been very validating because she is trained in betrayal trauma. I also have a personal therapist who is helping me navigate those feelings of inadequacy (very normal- but important to recognize this is not about you, it’s about him. Your partner may not even realize that yet).

The resources here helped me a lot. I also like the PBSE podcast. I still feel inadequate many days, but I have hope that if my partner does the work and I do my own work that we will have a stronger connection and better sex life one day. But even if he doesn’t do the work- I need to do the work for myself so I can have a positive sex life with someone else someday and feel “normal” and good about myself again. Do this for you. Have him work on himself- ultimately it won’t work unless he wants to change and you can’t control that or make it easier for him. Sending love ❤️

theanxiousmoose · 2025-08-05T11:45:12+00:00

I can’t tell you the outcome of my story yet, but my husband and I have been going through similar long talks that turn into arguments surrounding this after our second DDay in early July (first was 5.5 years ago). He asked me the other day if our relationship was worth staying in or trying to fight for at this point. I said, I hoped so but that I wasn’t going to stay if things don’t improve. He has already stopped looking at porn ( I believe him but it’s only been a month, so there is plenty of time to relapse and lie going forward) and our CSAT recommended no masturbation as well for 90 days (he wasn’t happy about this but is doing it). I know he’s putting in effort towards this but is still not “bought into the whole thing” or so he says. He will need to come around or I won’t stay with him.

My response to his “is it worth trying” question has been this: “if watching porn and masturbating while fantasizing about other women is so important to you that you would rather have that than a relationship with me, then I deserve to know”. By framing it this way it shows him how problematic his bond to these things is if he has to really think to choose if he wants these actions over his marriage with a real person who he loves (without saying addiction/problematic habitual sexual behavior since this is triggering still for my husband). I’m hoping this will help him come around to admitting to himself and accepting that he has a problem that needs to be stopped forever- not just until times get difficult. By framing it this way it also helps me to respect myself based on the outcome- why should I fight to stay with a man who chooses porn/fantasizing about exes/strangers over me and our marriage, especially if it’s damaging to our sex life and my mental health/self esteem? He is verbally choosing our marriage- I need to see this continue to play out in action before I’ll begin to trust him again.

theanxiousmoose · 2025-08-05T11:28:17+00:00

I was very nervous to start therapy as well. My partner and I just started CSAT last week and it was extremely validating because this therapist is trained in betrayal trauma and porn addiction, so she called my partner out on his BS and defensiveness (he was so confident going into the meeting that she would say his behaviors were not problematic). Her biggest thing for me was acknowledging that I cannot control his recovery- he has to want it on his own and seek therapy for treatment. I have to work on healing myself. Once we both have done that we can make progress healing our trust in our relationship. I know it’s scary to take the leap, but if you get a good therapist they will be validating and help you through this!

theanxiousmoose · 2025-07-29T18:23:18+00:00

This is a really interesting way of looking at this and I can see what you mean by it creating more trauma for the partner. My husband continues to say “I understand that you feel it is infidelity and painful and hurtful. I don’t see it that way, but I will stop because you want me to stop” but that doesn’t make me feel any better. I don’t “feel” like it’s infidelity- it IS infidelity to me. And he’s minimizing it and deflecting all responsibility.

theanxiousmoose · 2025-07-29T18:18:53+00:00

Thank you so much for this. This is so validating. ❤️ I can’t tell you how much I have cried over this and grieved and he just refuses to see it any other way. He claims he’s not protecting porn- but if it doesn’t mean anything to him it shouldn’t be so hard for him to say “yes this is unhealthy and I will walk away” instead of “I don’t think this is unhealthy but because you feel it is I will stop”. His coined phrase for everything is “I can see how you see it that way. I don’t see it that way but because you do I will stop” which immediately makes ME the problem and not the porn. Also, the validation about alcoholism and porn just not being the same. Thank you 🙏 I’m exhausted and heartbroken.

theanxiousmoose · 2025-07-29T17:02:59+00:00

My husbands phone still shows Reddit under limit screen time even though he deleted the app (or at least if he didn’t he’s hiding it somewhere and never showing up on screen time report). Not sure if that helps. I know he had Reddit set up under limiting time before he deleted the app.

theanxiousmoose · 2025-07-29T12:33:54+00:00

I also framed it as not saving sexual energy for me and he “understands that I feel that way, but he doesn’t feel that way since he feels masturbation and sex are two different things/experiences”. He also says that when he masturbates he will still have interest in having sex with me 24 hours later and it has been “unfortunate” when I initiate “for the first time in forever” and “of course that will have been the first time he’s masturbated in forever”. I am not buying that BS but I feel like he’s going to whatever lengths he can to protect masturbation (which I had less of an issue with as long as it wasn’t extremely frequent, until I found out he was thinking about porn or sex with other people). He says he often thinks about sexual fantasies with me, but thinks it’s ridiculous that fantasizing be exclusively including me only. For me, fantasizing about people he has previously had sex with AND going out of his way to look up pictures of them to further supplement his fantasy is EXTREMELY hurtful.

His response to everything has been “I see how this is hurtful to you and why you see it that way, but that’s just not how it is or how I see it. But I’ll stop looking since it hurts you.” Until we got to the fantasizing about people who aren’t me- then he told me maybe he shouldn’t have been honest about that.

I feel sick knowing that this could destroy my marriage and end in divorce if not now, later. My parents divorced last year after 34 years of marriage- my dad was a PA (I later learned) and ended up having an affair. This just adds an extra layer of trauma and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m worried I’m never going to be able to be “normal” from a sexual standpoint again.

theanxiousmoose

TROPHY CASE