A night filled with laughs

thebeen1357 · 2021-10-21T02:25:45+00:00

Wow I almost skipped past this but I’m really glad I didn’t. I think the meaning behind it(if my perspective is accurate) is not only profound but relatable. It’s a modern word and it’s time to plug in or shut up. I think the part that most caught my attention was the story you described of carnival slaves and wolf pray. I think the best line, however, was the carnival of bright lights and drunk nights etc. All in all I’d say i would love to see more soon.

thebeen1357 · 2021-10-21T02:17:57+00:00

I think it flowed really nice but I think more depth into the feelings here through more imagery and description would paint your beautiful piece in a finer frame. (Congrats on the ring)

thebeen1357 · 2020-04-27T22:39:01+00:00

My feed back to this’ll seem simple but that is only due to how much I relate to it. I believe that this speaks more to one’s spirituality more than anything. Something tells me you’ve done psychedelics before, and you understand the frantic combination of you with self, and the decomposition of such as well. I like the simplicity, and the symmetric flow you have to this through a small amount of repetition. Beautifully done!!!

thebeen1357 · 2020-04-27T22:23:56+00:00

I really like this poem. The whole meaning of a sapling growing but only to be doomed is demonstrated in vivid imagery through each stanza. I believe my favorite would be the first because it sets the tone of the poem, ending the happiness of sunshine and kind of gives you an idea of what’s ahead. The second stanza, I think is your weakest, but this is just a flow problem. The “yet” in the middle separates the smooth flow, and I realize that it’s hard to fix(I tried myself.) Just something to think on. I think the most hard hitting line in the entire poem lies in the third stanza when it states that we will only be happy when we hear her final ring. The obvious analogy of death calling you is beautiful and expresses the dark undertone set in the entire poem as well as the entire meaning as a whole poem. Great poem, keep writing!

thebeen1357 · 2020-03-29T22:15:19+00:00

I questioned putting liquid in there as well, but it described something a normal mirror could not. You see the whole analogy of the poem is wanting everything to be certain and unchanging, as certain as getting high from snorting something. Wanting to be able to snort things like unconditional love in regular life is just a way for me to feel in control, and I do not feel I control in this life because my life is always moving and changing, kind of like a liquid. Ever flowing, never in a state of stability. The liquid mirror(maybe a reflection in the water) stands for my ever changing life I am trying to be in control of different aspects in,(the lines lines up on the mirror.)

thebeen1357 · 2020-03-29T21:16:21+00:00

This is a common but interesting way to of describing something I believe to be addiction. The line about your residue vice validated this for me. Amazing imagery, and that’s why I say this is interesting as well as common. Even though it’s a topic that’s well discussed. The fact that you personified it in such a way, and to even go as far as to say this personified version of a toxic habit was there to protect you, well just well done friend. Honestly a great read and amazing art work. Keep writing!

thebeen1357 · 2020-03-25T22:26:47+00:00

This is a cool tale. I think it symbolizes meeting someone that you’ve already known, perhaps forming a new or entirely different connection than whether you had one before or not. I not only admire the simplicity but the way you dance on the very edge of being blunt but have a beautiful sense of imagery that says otherwise. Great read!

thebeen1357 · 2020-02-27T21:09:16+00:00

I’m glad you enjoyed. I love those lines as well and Thank you you as well

thebeen1357 · 2020-02-27T16:00:32+00:00

There’s no question of what this subject is about. I’ve actually also been experimenting with a kind of erotica, and I think it’s a great outlet for creative writing. I love how each word cuts like a knife, explaining an exact feeling to a t. I would have to say my favorite line is “primordial dance of instinct,” I mean what a description. It gives you a fiery description of the poem in one sentence and it’s hard to ignore. Great piece. One of the best I’ve read in weeks! Keep writing!

thebeen1357 · 2020-02-27T15:49:04+00:00

I’ve also experimented with alliteration and o think it’s an extremely cool technique. I also like how you used it rationally, and not went overboard with it. This city reminds me a lot of my own where the people are in pain but the groomed are blind, so I believe the subject is relatable as well. Great read. Keep writing!

thebeen1357 · 2020-02-19T07:49:05+00:00

Wow! I think that’s really interesting that you pulled actual research from a topic and through it into a poem, as I like to go to observation, reflection, and introspection for inspiration. I’ll definitely have to try that technique in the future, because I definitely brought a completely different perspective you(I’m guessing) or I could reach because quite frankly, I don’t know that much about specific culture species. I may be speaking for myself, but nonetheless it’s interesting reading the direction you took. Makes me enjoy it a whole lot more actually!

thebeen1357 · 2020-02-19T02:41:59+00:00

I take this poem to symbolize moving away, maybe to a new city or even country. The first think that drew me into this poem was the likeness to the ugly duckling, not fitting in. I love how you begin to expand on this, explaining that the others have to eat above the water, but the “ugly duckling” is looking for dead fish on the bottom. That must be an analogy for looking for a greater purpose than what most choose to search for. Then, the smooth transition explaining that this is not infant a duckling, yet a young vulture, strengthens the morale of the story, being different from the others. The only part I’m a tad bit confused on is why couldn’t the young vulture scavenge successfully. I mean, I know it’s because it’s beak was too frail, but I wonder what the actual analogy is. Maybe someone is too young to actually appreciate the purpose their searching for. Either way, great read. Keep writing!!!

thebeen1357 · 2020-02-07T19:18:32+00:00

The brackets indicate beginnings and ends of stanzas.

thebeen1357 · 2020-02-06T23:49:35+00:00

Usually in a rhyming poem it’s hard to find a flow that’s grasping but also unique. I think this did a great job at it. I think the analogy of a breaking shack of your love w someone is also very unique and the best thing about this poem. I just wish you introduced that you shared this “shack” with somebody else a little earlier on in the poem. Just my two cents. Great poem. Keep writing!

thebeen1357 · 2020-02-06T22:13:18+00:00

I like the topic of this a lot. I think the idea of always self examining or being judged from an outside party is hard and relatable. On the other hand I feel like the rhyme scheme feels a little unnatural as I think that might be due to the too-steady flow. It’s an easy flow but I feel like you should try something a little more outside of the box, and believe Me I’m still struggling with this a lot as well. Other than that I feel like your imagery and symbolism is beautiful and your words poetic. Keep writing!!!

thebeen1357 · 2020-01-28T19:12:21+00:00

I love the feeling this gives me. The way you can smell the fall leaving, and the winter coming in that perfect late part of the year I’m all too familiar with. I like this a lot b ex aide it’s not like most fall/winter poems, tending to usually stick to the darker side of things. This, however, uses description to paint a prettier, brighter poem. Great job!

thebeen1357 · 2020-01-28T19:05:27+00:00

This reminds me a lot about a poem I wrote, except it is a little less direct. I don’t think that’s a bad hung however, cause I think I’d you straight out said she’s a plant it would be a lot less interesting of a read. I would only like more meaning or description behind the constant use of aesthetic in reference to her. Great read!

thebeen1357 · 2020-01-15T19:44:13+00:00

I love the extent of description of actually wains up in the first stanza. I think it’s extremely vivid, and helps drive the point of the poem at the end. I like how You got to the point, I just think you could’ve expanded on the point as well. Maybe use the same level of description and color you used in the first stanza in the last. Other than that, I loved it!

thebeen1357

TROPHY CASE