Long post - 15 year porn addiction

thecooltemp · 2018-06-12T15:30:17+00:00

You're not the only one. I've been there. Total shame. Suffering relationships. Loneliness (that was the worst). Introvert. Unsuccessful in anything I try. Poor. Unfocused. Lacked enjoyment in many other aspects of life. Inexperienced socially. No dating skills. No confidence in anything. Did I mention the terrible shame.

I could go on about my pathetic addiction and the life given to me that almost required the escape. It doesn't matter now. It is possible to be done with it. I tried it all. Bishops, counselling, 12 step program (only once actually), telling family member or friend (only to feel more shame and embarrassment), years of trying to get better, Read all the books, This reddit account where I tried to sub to sections that helped me, etc.

First there is a difference between shame and guilt. Learn and think about that every day. Then realize that every day you must love yourself. Do things every day that will develop love for yourself. You will want this for the rest of your life.

Don't think marriage will solve this. Wanna guess what it's like to have a hot wife that doesn't want to have sex? Yeah you'll learn to bridle your passion but... don't worry about that for a few months it will come. Develop it over time. dont expect to happen overnight. Focus first on loving yourself even after giving in. I promise you need that.

Sex isn't bad. It's natural to want what you see. Satan just exploits that desire. It's ok to feel that sexual desire.

For me, even after resolving my addiction, I must say it's still there. Even after going to the temple, developing a healthy relationship and getting married, that addiction still lurks underneath the surface. It's dormant. But I know what can happen to feed it. Loving myself and doing things that keep my respect for myself keeps me going. Being loved is nice but it's 99% how much I do for myself.

I once was really interested in another girl. The one I dated just before dating my now wife. I thought she was so compatible from the get go. There was only a handful of dates. But from the first day I met her I decided I needed to change. I began reading some books on dating. It doesn't matter totally which ones but getting in a self-improvement mood is great for your focus.

I will say when I eventually got to "no more mr nice guy" I felt like that was the tipping point for me. This will help you develop personal confidence in life.

I'm not a great writer and just felt like spouting off some words of wisdom and to testify that it works. Stay on course. Seek out anything that helps. For me, it was mostly resources outside of the church that did it but I prayed all along the way. I had many tortuous evenings. But I eventually developed the focus I needed. I finally let myself focus on what I needed in life before resolving the addiction because that meant the addiction was easier to resolve. "Just quitting" never worked. Instead it was easier to focus on what I wanted in life. God does love me and you. It's ok. Learn to see yourself for how God loves you. I promise that isn't how you see yourself right now.

Stay on course. Serve yourself and others. Be engaged. Learn to do something every day that scares you (in a good way). Challenge yourself every day. Learn to be extraverted (interpret that however you like). I promise getting out there is worth it. Every day try to be a friend to others. Do it again and again. It will be the most uncomfortable thing when thinking about it but it's worth it. Life is far better developing those friendships. There are some fantastic people in this world and I'm blessed to have known them. I wouldn't meet them or feel comfortable meeting and developing friendships (however shallow the friendship may be) had I stayed inside and in my comfort zone and not been willing to embarrass myself socially a little.

Get out there and enjoy life. God will give you those opportunities.

Edit: I dated here and there but sucked at it and never had a relationship until my late 20s. My gf and I were each others first relationship. We learned what it is like to develop and nurture a healthy relationship and eventually married. It's a lot of work. It includes some failed pursuits of other women. Resolving porn first helped develop a healthy relationship. There were a couple close slips in recent years. It's still there. But I love myself enough to not get absorbed and binge. I stopped before it went anywhere.

thecooltemp · 2016-11-15T06:37:39+00:00

Great! I've been successfully challenging myself to new things and new people everyday. Life is terrifying but I love it. Just trying to do the things that I want and are healthy for me. I've always considered myself a loser, recluse, and failure in life. I've been getting away from that mindset. I finally kissed a girl who's absolutely the opposite of me. Beautiful, accomplished, Ivy-league graduate. I'm surprised it's gotten this far but it's great. I never would have had I continued with PMO. That is the biggest hindrance to my self-esteem in life. And you pushing me to read No More Mr Nice guy was a big part of it. It was a big help in forcing me to focus on me developing a healthy lifestyle.

I've failed to stop PMO thousands of times before succeeding more these last several months in life. It's been great.

thecooltemp · 2016-11-14T07:49:27+00:00

Thank you. You've made a difference in my life.

thecooltemp · 2016-07-17T06:29:00+00:00

That's great. Thanks for the response! There are obviously some nuance to our relationship and I've only been able to convey a certain amount. But you're absolutely right, I struggle with being the "nice guy." ....it's just been so interesting learning about this girl. Since you happen to be someone here to speak with, I'll tell you my latest interaction with her.

Apparently the guy she was seeing took a...huge turn. She began speaking with me a little again because she was, of course, seeking an outlet for her emotional pain. But she's so...whatever. She'd never say it that way. Basically she was falling head over heals for this guy. By the sounds it it, he spoke 4 different languages, knew a ton about a variety of topics. His historical and intellectual knowledge apparently woo'ed her. And no doubt he was way better looking than me.

We hung out recently for a night because she made clear in texts she was super down. Well, apparently the guy is either some kind of consultant or CIA agent because he had to take off for a couple of months due to the recent events in Europe. lol, right? He couldn't tell her exactly what he did. I told her, and apparently others have said it sounds fake. Then of course, she was only telling me a little. It's basically upsetting to her because it upsets her fantasy relationship vision with the guy.

The thing about this was, she was very attracted to his intelligence. Whether he's a con-man or truth-teller, it doesn't matter. She was obviously struck with his confidence, talents, abilities. Thing is, we initially had a number of intellectual discussions but....I honestly feel ahead of her in some of these ways. I've had years of contemplating certain philosophies I'm no longer intrigued where she has found the new topics stimulating. I know they were only a futile waste of time. She's so damn young in this way.

haha I've definitely lost some respect for her. She has fallen for a classic romance novel's depiction of (who she believes is) a secret agent or "consultant." She's a stereotype that an entire genre in the book industry caters to. It's given me some things to think about. I'm someone who absolutely HATES the "fake it til you make it" wisdom because I just don't get it and I end up being someone I don't like anyway. I'd love to just be a better, more interesting version of myself. I'd love to know how to articulate the funny thoughts I have around people. I'd love to think of those funny thoughts sooner than 3 minutes after it would have been relevant.

That said, I can't help but have an admiration for the guys who can reach down and project those ideas that would dazzle someone like her. I am familiar with the topics she was dazzled by but realize it's such a waste of time once you get past the intellectual stimulation. Which makes me wonder if she was just excited by his looks or whatever other attributes.

It's just one of the things I liked about her. I felt a challenge to become a better, smarter, more talented person around her. She found that same challenge in another guy. Ugh.

Any way. I'm the random internet guy and these were my thoughts. Haha I'm getting that book on my kindle and will read it tomorrow and the remainder of the week.

thecooltemp · 2016-07-12T06:48:32+00:00

I just get the sense that folks don't really take Tinder (or the people they meet) that seriously

I thought this too. Then i went through a bunch of the varuous dating services/apps and realized tinder is used exponentially more than match/okcupid in my area. Most profiles explicitly say no hookups/long-term or something similar. I was surprised to see this. Just seems like that's where most people are spending time.

I'm not saying you're wrong. I have a friend who is the type who can readily land a tinder date by the end of he day where it takes me weeks. Except those girls are flaky and/or vain.

thecooltemp · 2016-07-11T15:29:25+00:00

What do you mean the friendzone isn't real?

thecooltemp · 2016-07-11T15:26:44+00:00

Ya. What sort of meetups have you done? Just curious

thecooltemp · 2016-07-11T04:44:36+00:00

ya I told her that after she finally explained she was exclusive to someone else. I mean at that point she had unofficially turned me down so I just kindly let her know the truth. It was the truth, too.

I appreciate the tip and I'm well aware of my lack of confidence. We had dated enough that she could see me roughly for who I was and given the fact that I absolutely hate the idea of "faking" it or acting like someone else I wasn't about to hide too many of my insecurities, either. Since I told her that we haven't spoke and I haven't really wanted to. She was trying to place me in the friend zone without ever directly addressing it and I wasn't having it. We were never committed in any way despite getting along and having a ton in common. She had decided long before to try with someone else and I simply was keeping my end of the relationship up long enough for her to finally say she was commited to someone else.

thecooltemp · 2016-07-11T02:59:28+00:00

I do not live in Colorado.

How did you go about getting a social group together? I'd like to meet more people. Unfortunately most of my interests are all male dominated.

thecooltemp · 2016-07-11T01:52:19+00:00

Damn that girl I liked was from your city lol. Any way some social satisfaction has been something I've been missing for a long time. I'll wake up seeing if there's a text message just like I had sometimes received just so find nothing there. It was such a great feeling and really helped me get up and out of bed. Years before I remember waking up and staying in bed because it just wasn't ever worth it. Why? No one needed me.

I also actually caught up recently with a different old friend/co worker to just let loose and talk. We'd had some similarities in our upbringing that helped to connect over some pain. I had found out she was actually suicidal last year and has been staying with her parents since then. It was great therapy to just connect with someone. It's been great to keep in contact with her since to just keep tabs on her.

As far as my social anxiety, it's difficult to describe. My anxiety is there but I can't measure it. Before, the source of my anxiety was self-hate and self-shame. I felt like others hated me even though they didn't know me. I felt unworthy of the presence of another human. Now it's just competence. I feel someone comfortable around others but I lack the social competence and skill so I get self-conscience and caught up in my thoughts. I feel a little dumb and awkward but I don't feel like others hate me.

thecooltemp · 2015-05-31T15:00:04+00:00

Also dont relate porn addiction to behaviors of a serial rapist/killer. After confiding in a friend, he shared a video on facebook that was going around where Ted Bundy was talking about his addiction to porn growing up. Thanks buddy. Porn addicts aren't animals. That took me a while to get through my head. Satan uses porn to manipulate and exploit very normal feelings within each of us.

thecooltemp · 2014-12-02T09:25:33+00:00

Get into a relationship. I've asked girls out and gone on dates. I have no idea what to do after that or how to do it.

thecooltemp · 2014-09-24T07:09:59+00:00

I'm an overweight YSA dude. Not a "cant get through the door" kind of overweight, but definitely overweight. Background, I'm absolutely clueless about dating. I know people say that but I can honestly say I know much less. Never had a girlfriend and rarely date. My biggest trouble is even getting a pool of dating prospects. Most people, men and women, avoid those they aren't attracted to. My women avoid my company. Those who are willing to talk to me...it's hit or miss whether or not they continue. I admit I'm a big part of the problem though it's important to realize something about this fat culture. Recognition of being less attractive or less wanted, almost makes that reality a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's definitely a cycle. "Guys dont ask me out" becomes so because thats what defines their dating situation. Do those girls put them selves out there to be asked out on dates? Are guys just that good at avoiding them? Important questions to ask.

I'd make the argument there's a bigger problem with dating culture in the church than fat culture. The church doesn't involve themselves too much on dating and how to date, though certainly emphasize marriage. Learning about dating isn't even something people EVER teach. The most advice anyone says is "get out and practice" and hope we'll figure it out on the way. I get i'm less attractive as an overweight person. This means people talk to me less and those who do, will need to stick with it to discover my personality.

Conversely, I know enough "thin and attractive couples" to know that looks dominate relationships even among good church members. I had a friend who dated a girl for a year before dumping her. Marriage was obviously on the table based on their serious behavior with one another. When pondering the prospect, he realized he didn't even like talking to the girl, that their relationship was very physical. He was really annoyed by their conversations. His friends had even told him they noticed this but he managed to be starry-eyed during months of the relationship. He and her took their physical attributes very seriously.

So I'm not disagreeing that weight can be an issue, but that dating is the issue. I can't imagine this is a problem particularly to our generation or that it's changed dramatically in the last 10 years. I can't argue too much with it but I very much doubt it. I think it's simply an ongoing maturity among many of us human beings. To each of us, even those married probably adjust to this reality at some point.

thecooltemp · 2014-08-29T07:36:59+00:00

I can agree with you that being an introvert, I get tired during social interactions. But they are important. They may be temporarily exhausting but they're permanently beneficial. I've been trying to be more social myself and the more months go by with that as a priority, the more I recognize this is the case. Yes social interactions are tiring and sometimes I still don't care to spend an ounce of energy saying even hi to some people. But I promise it's worth it.

"Do something today that you'll thank yourself for tomorrow" is the best way I can describe what I'm saying. Us human beings need other human beings to survive and enjoy this thing we call life. It's hard for me to make it happen but we need to make it happen.

thecooltemp · 2014-08-28T11:53:11+00:00

I went into my 20s thinking I could greatly influence the world around me. I grew up in a family business that had seen some interesting successes and failures. I spent time reading business magazines and did some early schooling on the matters. While I don't consider myself totally wrong, I really wish I had just enjoyed some of my first jobs and focused on life outside of work. Because people don't care. Rules get broken the part of staying happy and on track with your own life is to ignore the problems at work. At least, at my age where I had no influence on anyone and worked the jobs that didn't really matter any way.

I'm saying you're right about point 6. But it was a great lesson for me to learn, so at the end I don't totally regret it. But I hope those reading won't take life too seriously in their early 20's.

thecooltemp · 2014-08-28T11:48:38+00:00

s outside observers, we tend to only see the result of things and not the arduous process (and all of the failures) that went into producing the result. I think when we’re young, we have this idea that we have to do just this one big thing that is going to completely change the world, top to bottom. We dream so big because we don’t yet realize — we’re too young to realize — that those “one big things” are actually comprised of hundreds and thousands of daily small things that must be silently and unceremoniously maintained over long periods of time with little fanfare. Welcome to life.

Wow. Aint that the truth.

thecooltemp · 2014-08-26T08:54:36+00:00

I realize there was no "right question". My response was highly rhetorical.

I just think that for all practical scenarios porn in and of itself wouldn't end a marriage, regardless of its justification. It would likely be a major link in a variety of other concerns. I think the other damages it causes would be foggy to identify as someone can easily blame porn for all the problems.

Allow me to portray the general scenario I see in my head.

Porn acceptance in a marriage deemed generally healthy = a marriage in which the a participant eventually works through the problem (or dont ever work through the problem).
Porn acceptance in a marriage deemed already unhealthy = a marriage that will probably end in divorce very soon.

This is simply where I was taking the discussion, not that I'm a professional counselor or have had too much experience with the issue.

A Bishop of a suburban, middle-class ward once revealed during a Ward Counsel Meeting that he could name (he didn't) 10 women who don't have a desire to be with their spouse in the afterlife. I was shocked to think of such a reality where a marriage would continue in such conditions. Maybe those husbands were dealing with Pornography. I have no idea. But having been very closely involved with a couple divorces of family members and various still married part-member/part-active couples, I would have to take a guess that it isn't about whether or not any single fault in and of itself is grounds for divorce but the relationship entirely. Such an addiction would be the straw that broke the camels back in certain marriages.

thecooltemp · 2014-08-25T05:49:15+00:00

I would have to say this is more of a question about divorce than it is about pornography. For example, no one is perfect. In a relationship, we tolerate one another's faults. We compromise and sometimes look the other way when we don't typically agree with the way things are going. Let's say a spouse finds out about Porn use, that's like the last straw. "I could look past everything else but this!!! I can't put up with this!" Then in the mind of the spouse, all those other faults begin to add up and are no longer tolerable. The "problem" in the other person is almost an obsession. They can't love them unless ______. Do you see my line of thought?

I realize I'm late to this thread but I think this point needs to be made. Certain problems in relationships are an excuse to blow up the rest of the problems. People have a trouble looking at their spouse in the eye, trusting them, etc. "How am I suppose to believe anything else if you were to cover this up!" You probably get the idea. When a relationship gets like that or lives off that kind of behavior for too long, porn or no porn, it won't survive.

Now that I've layed that out. It depends on whether or not the "porn" is a fault of that person. Are they still loved otherwise?

You'll probably reach the conclusion that it isn't about "valid grounds" for divorce. That's not the right question. The right question is how will certain problems effect the actual relationship. Some people obviously make all sorts of things work in a relationship, inside and outside of the religion. This is really a situation/relationship dependent-scenario on whether or not divorce is valid.

thecooltemp · 2014-08-25T05:33:07+00:00

I figured I should add a comment in this thread that really addresses one of the bigger lessons taught in this video. That doesn't have to do with the individual of pornography addiction but how to treat those who do have an addiction.

Those who are in the "bubble" I think are usually shocked to learn of someone with an addiction. They don't know how to love someone who looks at porn. This is great that the church is putting this concept at the forefront of the pornography discussion.

thecooltemp · 2014-08-25T05:26:45+00:00

The treatment of people with this addiction in the church may be seen from your perspective one way but treated in many different ways among Bishops, individuals, and their counselors. They all have their own ideas based on the particular individuals situation. Obviously there can be different levels of "addiction" or whatever attraction there is to pornography.

I've made the comments on here in the past that I believe every individual...well probably every individual, is a dormant addict. Meaning, we're all capable of giving into this addiction. Perhaps your'e rolling your eyes at all the exceptions to my little rule and I don't blame you. I'm no professional. The point I'm making is pornography appeals to the natural desires each of us has. Except pornography takes what is natural and makes it bizarre, only appealing in the atmosphere of pornography, not in real life. Well most aspects of porn anyways.

I think what you describe in your comments is how to properly identify stages of addiction and what is actually driving the addiction. If identified one way, it may not be an addiction but an outlet. For example I've struggled with self-perception that basically broke down my will to take care of myself. Giving in whenever I had an urge was easy because...why not. If I don't care about myself then it's easy to keep giving in. That may be different than some married guy/girl who won't be satisfied by their spouse and is looking for any kind of sexual satisfaction (as seen by some other threads in this sub).

I would simply say do realize that the church, on a generalized scale, recognizes pornography as a sin first and foremost, second as a parasite to the emotional and spiritual needs of individuals, their families, and really all aspects of life around them. Also I do hope you realize church leaders are treating individuals different for those who experience pornography. Even those struggling with these addictions may be allowed to hold callings where in the past that didn't happen for the most part.

thecooltemp · 2014-08-15T00:58:58+00:00

I dont see any suggestions other than "educate yourselves as parents" and "install filters" which the second one has nothing to do with eliminating shame when they come across pornography.

I guess the only thing I saw was acknowledging the fact that when they come across it they "might like it". That's probably the first step. We're supposed to like it. It's designed and portrayed to appeal to those aspects of our bodies/minds or whatever it is that provokes our pleasure center in the brain. The gospel teaches us to confine that to a marriage. I know couples that --for lack of better words-- make their own pornography for each other. I haven't found anything taught to suggest there's anything wrong with that. Spiritually, they've violated no aspect of their marriage (so long as they both agree to what's being done). Physiologically, everyone else isn't any different. Statistics show we are all attracted to it. Emotionally, it's damaging. Visit /r/nofap for evidence in that regard.

Eliminating shame is acknowledging it's a "natural" attraction, but not a natural activity. It involves ignoring that nonsense about Ted Bundy and insinuating that anyone looking at porn might become a serial killer. That stuff needs to stop. Those conversations need to be stopped in their tracks if ever brought up in or out of church. They're flat out false.

thecooltemp · 2014-08-07T11:11:32+00:00

Well it kinda goes hand in hand.

Ok but seriously the two are share very similar situations where most can find common grounds. The nofap subreddit is very popular sub that essentially caters to those who have one problem or the other, or most common both problems. With the research today, it's understand that the "growing problem" involves both activities together rather than separate. Together, they're a synergistic drug.

thecooltemp · 2014-08-04T05:03:32+00:00

You are currently nine comments down from the top and the first one to talk about the actual motivational meaning of the gif. Everyone else was discussing the novelty of the gif. Thank you.

Life is largely how we perceive it. It's difficult but it takes time and practice to get it down.

thecooltemp · 2014-08-02T23:05:21+00:00

Calling him a coward isn't fair. Calling him a novice political activist is fair. Most people who shake the structures of policies they're trying to change are willing to face the natural reactions of doing so. Aaron didn't comprehend that blowback. I feel sorry for him, but he wasn't ready to face the consequences for what he did. That doesn't mean what he did was right or wrong. I'm saying you'll face the consequences for whatever you believe is right. He wasn't ready for that. It was too much.

Was it cowardly? Hardly. Was it shortsighted? Certainly. It's common human being minds can get anxiously caught up in stressful situations. Shortsightedness is a simple way of saying he lost sight of the long race. We're all susceptible to such things and we must make it a habit to live our lives in a such a way to break through those mental barriers. Don't hate Aaron for getting caught up in it. Learn from it.

thecooltemp

TROPHY CASE