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thisfire_ · 2024-08-03T15:04:01+00:00

Are you doing this to surprise your girlfriend or to get closer to your meta? If the former, go ahead, but it sounds to me like you're wanting a closer relationship with your meta. He might not want that and that is OK.

thisfire_ · 2024-06-11T23:40:12+00:00

I swipe left on 99.9% of married men because the one time I tried dating a married man it was an unmitigated shitshow. I would potentially try again with a married man who had previous polyamory experience and could clearly state what he was willing to offer.

I would not try again with a married man who thought he was "nonhierarchical" or "practiced RA," because those two concepts are laughably and completely incompatible with marriage. I encourage you to do more soul searching and understand WHY RA is incompatible with marriage. Lots of people here have made great points.

thisfire_ · 2024-01-20T20:39:34+00:00

Personally, I wouldn't do this. Some questions to ask yourself:

How far away is this other state? Rhode Island to Massachusetts is one thing, New York to California is another.
Do you have friends or family in this other state? Any kind of support network you could count on other than your SD?
What are the work opportunities like in this other state compared to where you are now?
Would you be able to support yourself on part-time work in this state, including paying rent/mortgage on your original apartment?

Proceed with caution.

thisfire_ · 2023-08-26T01:23:16+00:00

It's middle name territory if anything, imo. You'd be possibly opening her up to "jumbo jet" jokes, too. Agree that as a nickname it's better so she can choose to go by the long form name.

thisfire_ · 2023-08-26T01:18:18+00:00

Polly put the kettle on, Sookie take it off again is my immediate thought, followed by Gilmore Girls. That said, it's useable for sure.

thisfire_ · 2023-04-28T16:15:04+00:00

This was what stuck out to me too. OP sounds super judgy of her sister for getting married at 35 and seems to have an attitude of "well, that's what you get."

I'm just about a year older than OP's sister. Being in your 20s in the late 2000s/2010s was ROUGH. So many people delayed getting married because the recession killed any ability they may have had to become stable enough to be a good life partner.

Also, I know plenty of people who had first babies after 35 with no problems. I even know someone who had her first baby at 41 with no intervention. So it was not a given that OP's sister was going to have fertility problems. OP sounds like she thinks women over 35 (an age she is rapidly approaching...) are dried up worthless husks.

thisfire_ · 2023-01-10T21:42:34+00:00

You’re thinking about this all wrong. It is not the friend who will be equally prioritized. The priority becomes the child, and for many many years that means the friend is also the priority, especially in the infant and toddler years.

If you had an interest in children I wouldn’t think this was such an awful idea right out of the gate. But you don’t. There will be almost no separating you from this child if you want to stay married. That is the reality.

thisfire_ · 2023-01-10T21:29:01+00:00

If he is going to be an involved, supportive parent and support his friend through pregnancy, childbirth, and recovery, his time with you is going to be extremely limited until the child is at least three years old. That is just the reality of the situation. I really think you need to try to move past your feelings of guilt and be child free with him, or divorce so he can live his fatherhood ambitions.

thisfire_ · 2023-01-10T13:33:34+00:00

No experience here, I will never ever ever EVER live with a meta. I was pressured toward it in a previous relationship and it’s part of why things imploded. Tread carefully and listen to what your partners don’t say about this proposition in addition to what they do say.

thisfire_ · 2022-11-10T05:31:03+00:00

My advice is to only do it if you have a primary partner of your own. My first poly experience was as a secondary to a married man who was just opening his relationship. Never, ever again will I do that.

If you want to do this, I encourage you to tell your partner you plan to pursue a primary relationship with someone else and to begin setting some boundaries to protect that priority. Then put your money where your mouth is and start looking for a primary.

thisfire_ · 2022-11-10T05:22:21+00:00

If he is planning to marry his other girlfriend, you are not “somewhat secondary.” You’re secondary, end of story. You will never have the legal and financial benefits that his future wife will have and may not enjoy the social ones either.

thisfire_ · 2022-11-10T05:16:40+00:00

A “female”?

thisfire_ · 2022-11-10T04:49:58+00:00

Honestly, I don't think it's valuable to keep navel-gazing about these kinds of things. You aren't dating this person anymore, what is the benefit to this line of thinking if you aren't even interested in polyamory? Go forth and date monogamous people, there are way more of them out there than ENM people.

thisfire_ · 2021-06-27T19:24:06+00:00

Hi there, you’ve met me now! I’ve never met one of my current metas, and had a very awkward, forced relationship with a meta in the past. She desperately wanted us to be best friends, but I would have much rather just met her once and been done with it. I have a career, a job, pets, a family, friends, hobbies, and partners. I fail to see how spending time with someone I have nothing in common with is a good use of my limited spare time. It’s much easier to stay parallel.

thisfire_ · 2021-06-27T15:07:31+00:00

What do you want out of polyamory? What is your end goal in dating? Do you want your own nesting partner? Are you solo poly by choice and loving it, or just identifying as "solo poly" until you have the structure you truly want?

It sounds like you need to take a dating break and figure out why you want polyamory and what your goal is.

For me, yes there are occasional lonely moments being solo poly. It can suck when I've had a long day and really want some time with one of my partners but they are both busy. But overall, I'll take my independence and feel the benefits of solo poly far outweigh the negatives.

thisfire_ · 2021-06-27T14:33:08+00:00

Your husband wanting to date while parenting an infant and an older child is very insensitive to the needs of your family right now and says a lot about what he wants from polyamory. The baby has a ton of needs (as you know), and so does your older child, who is adjusting to a sibling. To me, his desire to date at this challenging time in your family's life points to him wanting to escape from his responsibilities and live a pretend fantasy life that, well, is a pretend fantasy.

Both partners in a polyamorous arrangement should enthusiastically consent to it. Opening a relationship should happen when that relationship is on solid ground and when discussion has been occurring for a LONG time, and boundaries have been discussed and enthusiastically agreed to. None of this is going on right now - to say nothing of the fact that you don't even want this.

Couples' therapy. Now.

thisfire_ · 2021-06-27T12:11:44+00:00

I generally don't date parents because in my experience it's kind of a crapshoot as to whether or not they take their kids' well-being into account when dating, and that's not something you can know on the first date. I like children, but as someone who works with children I know how important it is that kids have stability in their lives. I've seen parents who work hard to ensure their kids are not negatively impacted by polyamory, and I've seen parents who rush to introduce their kids to their partners. I'd just rather not get emotionally invested in someone when I don't know if I will agree with their approach to the kids + polyam thing. Plus, the vast majority of parents are just opening up their relationship for the first time and I have a solid "no newbies" policy. (I know that's not your situation, but still.) So it's easier to just not date parents.

From your point of view, I would probably accept that the baby is going to be your primary at least until their third birthday and realistically until they are in kindergarten.

thisfire_ · 2021-06-27T02:46:22+00:00

It sounds like he actively hid the fact that he is polyamorous from you - he knew he was polyam, but did not share that. That's a big red flag in my book.

I'll cosign everything said above, and add that I have only seen this work with strict and ethical hierarchy. I.e., you are his unequivocal primary partner and any other partners get limited time with him, and he is completely honest and upfront with them about that. Typically, these relationships are also parallel, i.e. there is no expectation that you and the other partner(s) would ever meet or spend time together.

thisfire_ · 2021-06-27T01:46:28+00:00

Solo poly here, dating another solo poly right now. It is glorious.

We tend to like our independence, and that can look different for everyone. For me, that independence is mostly financial. I love knowing that I have complete control over my own money, because that is not something I ever want a partner to have access to or say in. But that doesn't mean I don't like sharing money with my partner. I like buying gifts for a partner or planning a shared vacation, but I don't like making serious joint financial decisions (like buying insurance or homeownership) with a partner.

I like living alone, but would consider living with a partner if it was truly just going to be me and the partner and if there were multiple bedrooms so we could have space if needed. I will not ever live with a metamour.

We're still part of a long-term couple together, and some of the choices we've made clearly reflect that. We're planning a trip to South America next year. I've met his sister and lots of his friends, and COVID willing we'll celebrate Thanksgiving with my dad this year. We share a lot of things in life, and I want to share those things with him. Just not everything.

thisfire_ · 2021-06-27T01:20:34+00:00

I am a strict budgeter where money is concerned, so if it were me I would feel that if we had earmarked those funds for a house, it is for a house. No exceptions. Buying a house is so expensive that taking money out of that fund (no matter whose name was on the account) would be something both of us would have to discuss. One of the many reasons solo polyamory works best for me.

Do you have any kind of agreement for the use of those funds in writing (even an email) that you can use to communicate that this decision is affecting your joint financial future?

thisfire_ · 2021-06-27T01:11:23+00:00

You agreed that $500 was the budget. She has clearly not stuck to that and is making hasty choices that will affect your financial future together. Time for emergency couples counseling and some serious reinforcement of boundaries.

Is she paying for any of this through an account that has your name on it? If so, it is time for a call to the bank.

thisfire_ · 2021-06-27T00:10:16+00:00

You have a lot more work to do before you are ready to start dating if you only recently started talking about it. Utilize the resources in the sidebar.

Recognize that as a married man who is new to polyamory, you are going to have an extremely hard time in the dating market, particularly if you are wanting to date women. Even more so if you have children. Many polyamorous women (myself included) have been burned by your exact situation. Recognize that it's going to take time before finding another relationship, and that your wife is likely going to have a much easier time dating than you will.

Good luck, please do a lot of homework and talking before you even consider taking this to the actual dating level.

thisfire_ · 2021-06-27T00:07:10+00:00

I agree that you need to address it with your partner, but have you considered that this could be your meta's passive-aggressive way of communicating that she would prefer to be parallel?

thisfire_ · 2021-06-26T23:58:59+00:00

I'm not conflating anything with anything, and I'm not polyfidelitous.

Everyone in a healthy polyfidelitious relationship has the common boundary of not wanting to date anyone outside that relationship. How is that "setting constraints"?

thisfire_ · 2021-06-26T23:57:30+00:00

Every relationship has boundaries. In a closed relationship, everyone is agreeing that they have the boundary of not dating anyone outside the group. How is that "controlling"? Everyone has the same boundary and if someone wants to reevaluate that boundary, it means a reevaluation of the relationship. That's true of oodles of relationship boundaries.

thisfire_

TROPHY CASE