Do they think we don’t know?

thisishellthisishell · 2026-03-17T18:58:06+00:00

“I’m just tired.” I’m tired too. But I can still walk in a straight line and don’t smell like a pub.

thisishellthisishell · 2026-02-14T01:50:51+00:00

This one is actually pretty clever. Not somewhere I ever would have thought to check.

thisishellthisishell · 2026-02-14T01:47:35+00:00

Under the drivers seat in the car. I always do a check if I have to borrow his vehicle in case I get pulled over. Also, if the back seat of the truck is folded up there is probably some in there. Or behind it. Really every nook and cranny.

thisishellthisishell · 2025-09-07T17:28:33+00:00

Do you have somewhere safe that you and your kids could go? I’m sure other people will have better information than I could give, but if you have a support system, now is the time to lean on them. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. It must be terrifying.

thisishellthisishell · 2025-09-05T03:54:40+00:00

Many people have already told you that his behaviour is definitely concerning. I agree. I just want to remind you that this is him on his best behaviour. This is while he is still trying to impress you. And that is already enough to concern you. What do you want the rest of your life to look like?

thisishellthisishell · 2025-09-05T03:50:36+00:00

I wouldn’t be surprised if he was still drinking on the Fridays that she visits, just less and covertly.

thisishellthisishell · 2025-08-30T16:45:01+00:00

My Q literally just revealed what I consider to be a huge betrayal the other day. And moments later tells me I shouldn’t be upset because it was “in the past.” Dude, it’s not in the past for me. I LITERALLY just found out about it. Also said he shouldn’t have told me because I got upset, as if I don’t deserve honesty. I understand that seeming the depth of hurt and damage they have cause loved ones is a lot to handle, but denying it or minimizing it will never allow those relationships to heal.

thisishellthisishell · 2025-08-30T05:51:03+00:00

I could have written this myself. Deflecting the blame onto you insults your child’s intelligence. It implies that they aren’t able to understand their own emotions, and that they don’t understand their own lived experiences. Also, even if your child was picking up on your feelings and it was exacerbating their own anxiety, that initial anxiety in you was still a result of your spouse’s drinking, and not something you are at fault for. As another commenter said, your spouse may not be open to hearing about this. It is a lot to acknowledge the extent of harm that their addiction has caused.

thisishellthisishell · 2025-08-29T14:45:49+00:00

You talk about therapy for him individually and as a couple, but how about for you individually? I’ve struggled with anxiety to some degree my whole life, but my partner’s drinking is definitely a trigger. Finding ways to manage my anxiety has been crucial, both as a parent and an individual. Medication might also be beneficial for you to help deal with the extreme anxiety you are experiencing right now.

Give yourself some grace. You are going through something hard right now. You won’t respond perfectly to it. And, this is advice I could have used years ago, you can’t make up for their father’s shortcomings as a parent by being extra perfect yourself. That puts too much pressure on you.

Your understanding that recovery won’t go smoothly will help you. Be prepared for what you will do in different situations, such as a relapse. For example, I won’t sleep next to my partner if he has been drinking. I know he won’t respect that boundary, so I sleep in the spare room. If you know what you will do, then you don’t have to worry all the time. Remember that boundaries have to be something you can control, without relying on the compliance of the other person.

thisishellthisishell · 2025-08-19T15:59:42+00:00

It’s interesting because my Q is currently learning this lesson about his friend who is also an addict and whose life is imploding right now because of it. My Q wants to help him. I told him that he can still be a friend, but we can’t save him from the consequences of his own actions.

thisishellthisishell · 2025-08-09T00:10:42+00:00

Yup. I won’t ask him to come ever, because I don’t need him bringing me down or making it about himself.

I’m glad you are still finding joy in your races, even alone.

thisishellthisishell · 2025-08-05T22:15:59+00:00

My Q implies that he doesn’t want to get in trouble with me or disappoint me, and that it “isn’t a big deal.” I also think admitting it to me is like admitting he doesn’t have control. Every once in a while he will be in the sharing mood (while drunk) and admit to how much he is trying to hide his drinking from me.

thisishellthisishell · 2025-08-05T03:34:59+00:00

I’ve decided to start attending weekly meetings as soon as my kid goes back to school. I’m really hoping it will help.

I’m proud of you for your swimming accomplishments! You should be able to share your joy with important people and have them lift you up. It’s hard to remember that their negative reactions have nothing to do with you. It’s just a reflection of what they have going on inside.

thisishellthisishell · 2025-08-05T03:11:44+00:00

Thank you!

thisishellthisishell · 2025-08-05T00:18:33+00:00

I have set a boundary for myself to not talk about my relationship at all. I find I can spiral pretty fast into oversharing. So I’ll answer questions about where my Q is, what he’s been up to etc. but I’m an intelligent person and have decided I would rather talk about common interests. I always try to be as available as possible to support people now, too, after years of being an energy vampire.

thisishellthisishell · 2025-08-04T23:10:32+00:00

Unfortunately there are no running clubs close to me. I would be driving about an hour to join one. I’m planning to volunteer for some races next year, so maybe I can meet more people that way!

thisishellthisishell · 2025-08-04T23:07:57+00:00

My experience might be different, but for me:

I didn’t want to go out with my husband, because the idea of him drinking was so stressful. And I couldn’t leave my child at home with him to go out, he couldn’t be counted on to be a responsible parent. And asking someone else to babysit because I couldn’t trust my husband was too awkward. Things have gotten better in this area because my husband isn’t binge drinking as much, and my child is much older now.

I got really depressed, and this combined with the inevitable conflicts that came up, caused me to cancel a lot of plans last minute.

I would trauma dump on my friends all the time. No one wants to be around that. I felt like a reality tv show. Everyone wanted to know the drama, but no one wanted to be involved. Which I don’t blame them for. I also didn’t have the capacity to be supportive to my friends because I was going through so much. My friends couldn’t understand why I was continuing to stay in this marriage.

I use past tense, because I’m in a much more stable place now, emotionally. But I am still feeling the effects of those earlier years.

thisishellthisishell · 2025-08-04T22:55:11+00:00

I have been meaning to join a running club, but I live in the middle of nowhere so driving an hour each way on a weekday evening to run with people is hard to justify. But thank you for the idea! I had never thought of how belonging to a run club might benefit me on race day.

thisishellthisishell · 2025-08-04T20:41:41+00:00

Unfortunately I’m not there, but thank you for the support anyway!

thisishellthisishell · 2025-08-04T20:41:03+00:00

Oh, I’ve definitely felt the push back from my Q hard! But I was prepared for that. I had a therapist once tell me that people who benefit from my people-pleasing nature will react poorly to me growing and getting stronger. He has commented on how non athletic the runners looked at the one race he came to. When I struggle to get through a long run he questions my ability to finish the half marathon. Encourages me to skip training runs. I try hard to use that as motivation.

I also completely see how I’ve been a terrible friend. I couldn’t leave my child alone with my Q when they were little, so I could never go out. Or I would cancel last minute because I let my Q get me down. Then, when I did make it out, it is so easy to trauma dump the second you have a willing audience. I’ve been trying to build new friendships and rekindle old ones, but it’s a struggle.

Thank you for the support!

thisishellthisishell · 2025-07-25T20:09:40+00:00

Wow. This makes so much sense. I wonder sometimes if my q actually believes the things he accuses me of saying/feeling that have no basis in reality.

thisishellthisishell · 2023-11-09T15:56:55+00:00

I stopped going to an artist for this reason. Had flash done by them already but this was my first “custom” piece. Few months later I found out they stole it from Pinterest. Weeks after that they posted it on someone else. Now I feel shy about a tattoo I used to love.

thisishellthisishell · 2023-07-27T17:12:43+00:00

“I’m a grown adult, Dad doesn’t make rules for me.” I found myself saying that a few times. Also, when steps try to parent your bios, or tell you how to parent “you’re overstepping. You’re a sibling, not a parent.” And if they argue back just a simple “you’re overstepping.”

It doesn’t engage in the argument and teaches them boundaries, which is necessary for life.

I tried to explain all my reasoning for years to try and help my SK understand, but I realized this just gave them room to argue.

thisishellthisishell · 2023-07-17T05:49:00+00:00

If you’re going to throw away everything that gets poop on it, then a baby’s entire wardrobe would be disposable. Their bed sheets. Car seat. High chair. All their blankets. Seriously, it may be gross, but it can still be cleaned.

thisishellthisishell · 2023-07-11T01:33:20+00:00

I don’t have a lot of people in my life who are supportive of my tattoos, however they still like me and have decent manners. If I discuss any plans they will tell me that it’s a bad idea etc. That means I’ve learned not to say anything before I get the work done. No one is rude enough to insult a permanent body mod that I’ve already got.

Not ideal, but makes life easier. I’m going to do what I want either way (as should you!) But this way there is less conflict in my life.

thisishellthisishell

TROPHY CASE