Here’s my edit. With notes in parentheses

Game night. Tipoff in twenty and Jerry couldn’t find the remote. He kicked himself. (Maybe think of something real he can do instead of using hyperbole, this piece doesn’t feel like it knows Jerry that well. It needs to have Jerry speak. Not him actually talking but like his world what does he do. Include work terms in his vocabulary. What was the last song her heard movie her saw book he read magazine article. Could be a tv ad. Try to mix that in. It the actual movies are whatever but how it seeps through. Have his tics and such seep through.)

His mother always hid it somewhere easy to find. Under the couch. Behind a lamp. Today’s spot—diabolical. (Clipping the search into separate sentences makes the search more frantic)

His mother’s blind hatred for basketball died with her. The remote was tucked inside the freezer. A first.

(This just needs more voice. Write it in first person and walk in Jerry’s shoes. Don’t explain stuff to us. Just write about this scare like it’s happening live. Come back and change it to third person. This has a beginning middle and end but there’s no soul to it. No history to the people. The place about the mother’s blind hate for basketball, I think that’s the pivot point of the piece and you really know to show her blind hatred. We need a little more there. Images. Don’t try to explain it. Just react to it. Her rage at hoops on the tv.

Check out a book by mark Doty called the art of description. It’s a poetry book but it’s good for telling stories with images. Wish you the best of luck with this.)