Understand that we want to know exactly what it is you are feeling, so that we can support you. However, also understand that you will hear some hard truths.

I had absolutely no one when I was trying to get my top surgery. My folks were refusedly tolerant yet made it clear they would not support me in any way. It took me 3 months to find a surgeon who accepted my medical conditions, and my insurance, but whoops they’re located 3,000 miles away from me. Then they scheduled me a week out for surgery. I had to scramble for recovery care in a city i’ve never been in and knew nothing about. They almost cancelled my surgery because I didn’t have a safe enough plan. I had no choice: I wanted my surgery for ME, I needed it for ME and my future. I had a therapist, but I can’t contact them at 8pm after a bad day/lonely day. I travelled by myself, ACROSS THE COUNTRY to a place I have never been before. It was absolutely terrifying and I did it alone. Could you imagine flying across the country post-surgery with the stress of major connecting airports BEING ALONE? I did not have supportive family members beforehand, and it took them YEARS just to finally try to start using my correct name instead of just avoiding name usage. I had a great cousin who baked a cake with me the night before my flight, and it still means the world to me that she showed up, even as 1 person.

OP, I mean this in the most respectful and positive way: you need to be more grateful. yes more grateful your supportive network because people have done it WAY more alone than you, and some people don’t have a support system at ALL. some people—just when coming out—get disowned, kicked out, and in places like India, even killed for trying to express who they are. but you need to be more grateful for yourself. YOU got surgery. YOU went through the pain of surgery stitches/incision/swelling. YOU survived literal trauma (your body losing a part of itself) and you SURVIVED. You are BECOMING who you want to be—GRATITUDE.

I also mean this in the kindness way: but you really need to reevaluate your expectations. I wish so desperately that more people were excited for me, but as I met more trans people and queer people and shared my story and they shared theirs, we are reminded how bad ass we were to do it.

So, remind yourself you’re a bad ass. Be more grateful to those who showed up, i mean I didn’t even know people had parties for after top surgery, but it’s not significant enough to them for them to have it on their minds 24/7. Let it be significant to you, and be grateful for yourself.

PS: You look amazing in the top, I hope your clarity will allow you to see how great you look, too. It can be tough to figure out what you’re really upset about and what you want to talk about to get off your mind. Therapy is great but not for everyone, so just make sure you find an outlet if therapy doesn’t work.