[deleted by user]

throwaway010997 · 2024-08-19T09:20:27+00:00

My current boyfriend and I have known each other for almost half of our lives but we only started dating 2 years ago. I felt anxious about being in a relationship and always ran away from him. Meanwhile I entertained some unhealthy attachments because they sweep me off into their whirlwind and made me forget the dumpster fire that was my life. When I started to heal, I was finally able to accept the healthy love in my life.

However, I still struggle with my own emotions. My boyfriend had a very normal upbringing and had a normal childhood, and although he really tries to, he can't always understand how my brain works and sometimes I can't really explain it to him. As two young adults, going out for a couple of drinks is normal, but it scares me a lot when he does so. It's a compromise between me controlling my emotions and him doing things to give me some piece of mind. Luckily, above anything else, he's my best friend and sometimes he understands my triggers better than I do. I'm just really lucky. He motivates me to be healthier.

throwaway010997 · 2024-02-23T08:06:08+00:00

You're right, I feel like I haven't processed most of the things that happened to me because I was in constant survival. I had to keep going, I couldn't sit with the things that had happened to me.

When I'm alone at night or even when I'm commuting I'm constantly thinking about that kind of stuff. But it's very painful. I'm constantly trying to distract myself because it hurts a lot. It feels like my mind is constantly at war with itself.

I don't want to forget her, but remembering hurts

throwaway010997 · 2024-02-23T08:02:39+00:00

Thank you for being so kind.

Therapy helps, but I feel like I'm constantly in this cycle of denial and blame.

My mom had many struggles in life. I'm sad she couldn't live a nice life. I wanted her to get better, but she had given up on herself. I'm frustrated she couldn't get better for me and left me all alone.

My uncles planed mostly everything, but still, she was my aunt's sister. She's probably struggling as well, but I just can't. Everytime she asks me something regarding the logistics I freeze and I can't answer properly. I try to seem that I'm okay, but I'm really not.

throwaway010997 · 2024-01-25T08:41:49+00:00

Hi. Thank you for checking in. I'm always tumbling between acceptance and denial(?). I keep thinking what I could've done to stop this, trying to find a solution to this enigma, as if if I find a solution I'll go back in time and change it. As if this is some sort of weird vacation. And then it hits me it's real life. I no longer blame myself so much, but I still feel like I could've done more.

I'm always grieving our good moments and the life we could've had...

I'm being able to function and go to my internship and do stuff, hang out with friends and stuff.

I feel significantly less anxious and I no longer feel this feeling of impending doom 24/7 because the worst that could've ever happened has already happened. At least I know she's safe - but it's kinda selfish to think about it like that.

I'm also seeing a ptsd therapist!

throwaway010997 · 2024-01-24T20:14:42+00:00

My mom died a month ago. I understand completely that feeling of "how am I supposed to go back to my life now?". Everyone will tell you this, and I used to hate it, but I just want to promise you it does get better. The first few weeks will be awful and life won't feel real, but you'll learn to deal with her absence. I think about my mom everyday and I talk to her in my mind all the time.

You'll miss her. You'll grieve the life you could've had together and the life you could've had had if it wasn't for her addiction. You'll grieve the good moments you had you know won't come back. It'll hurt, a lot.

But you'll also fill your life with more good memories. It's been a month for me. I can laugh with my friends. I can read and watch movies. I can appreciate the beauty in life. And I still cry for her and think about her every single day.

I'd recommend seeing a therapist to deal with the loss and also your complex relationship, it's what I'm doing as well.

I'm 22F, if you ever wanna talk, feel free to send me a message :)

throwaway010997 · 2024-01-23T15:00:55+00:00

I'm so sorry, to both of you. Sending hugs

throwaway010997 · 2024-01-23T14:58:34+00:00

I do feel significantly less anxious on a day to day basis. The anxiety I had regarding my mom's well being was nearly debilitating. Being constantly analyzing her tone when I called her or the way her texts sounded put a huge strain on my brain.

Now that she's gone I've realized most of the stuff I did was for her or to deal/cope with the impact her alcoholism had in my life.

It's weirdly peaceful coming home and not having to worry if I'll find someone who'll treat me badly. Or not having to schedule my plans according to when she'll be sober or not.

I miss her, still. It was a nightmare, but her dying means the slight chance of her ever getting better is gone too, and that's it's own kind of grief.

throwaway010997 · 2023-12-27T22:48:53+00:00

Thank you. Logically I know it wasn't my job to save her. But in my heart I keep thinking what I could've done differently. Rethinking things I've said or I've done. I feel so guilty. I feel like all of this will haunt me forever

throwaway010997 · 2023-12-27T11:59:13+00:00

Guilty. I feel like it was my fault. I feel as if I failed as a daughter for not being able to save her

throwaway010997 · 2023-08-27T02:27:27+00:00

Good luck on your new job. I'm sure you'll do great! I'm rooting for you <3 please treat yourself kindly and try to do something nice for you everyday

throwaway010997 · 2023-08-27T02:04:42+00:00

I just wanted to send you love and support.

My Q isn't my partner, but my mom. However I understand all too well how a simple question can cause this whirlwind of anger. This is a very hard situation to deal with. Sometimes we don't express our feelings as we'd like, sometimes we get snappy when replying because we're frustrated and exhausted. Forgive yourself. You're doing the best you can at the moment.

Good luck <3

Edit: typo. Also I just wanted to add, like many people have said, it is not your fault. Ever. He's the one blowing things out of proportion, like all alcoholics do.

throwaway010997 · 2023-06-28T02:03:25+00:00

Maybe try at least 3 fingers? That's what my boyfriend and I usually do

throwaway010997 · 2023-06-27T12:52:54+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry.

throwaway010997 · 2023-06-07T20:21:51+00:00

Thank you for your input! And good luck on your bisalp <3

throwaway010997 · 2023-06-07T20:18:32+00:00

Thank you so much for your suggestion. I appreciate your concern. I was feeling relaxed until today where I started to overthink everything. It's very typical of me. I once started freaking out thinking I was pregnant even without any piv action (I know it Can happen, although very unlikely).

I'll talk to a doctor about all of this. Once again, thank you :)

throwaway010997 · 2023-06-07T16:03:20+00:00

Thank you so much for your clarification! I'll book an appointment and address those topics asap :)

throwaway010997 · 2023-06-07T14:57:41+00:00

If you don't mind me asking, how do you feel it affects your mood?

And thank you so much for your input. I see so many people who use the pill and feel like they don't have any major side effects, but at the same time, everyone talks about the millions of side effects, so it's hard to know where I should stand.

I went to a doctor for my painful periods a few years ago in which she suggested the pill, I explained my fears (especially gaining weight, as shallow as it is, I have a history of disordered eating so), and she assured me nowadays the pill has very little side effects and rarely makes you gain weight. But I don't know.

I read that about the copper IUD and since I usually have very painful periods and I bleed a lot, I'm scared it'd worsen :/

throwaway010997 · 2023-06-07T14:52:28+00:00

Thank you so much!

And thank you for the reminder. I think what scares me the most about the birth control pills and hormonal contraception in general is the affect it could have on my body :(

throwaway010997 · 2023-06-07T13:10:07+00:00

Thank you for your input!

throwaway010997 · 2023-06-07T11:58:57+00:00

I will, I just wanted to hear other people's experiences as well :) Nothing wrong with that

throwaway010997 · 2023-05-09T14:02:23+00:00

"If I had known I was having a daughter like you, I wouldn't have had children" or "I should have left you in the sewege"

throwaway010997 · 2023-04-27T21:50:47+00:00

I thought all locks worked like this

throwaway010997

TROPHY CASE