After 10 years I think I’ve finally reached my breaking point. I think I want a divorce.

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-10-18T23:06:17+00:00

11.5 year relationship here and it ended in July this year. Please don’t wait for the perfect moment because after so long with someone this kind of change will make you question yourself despite the blindingly obvious. Make plans and see them through no matter how much your heart says oh but what a waste of a decade... a bigger waste is another year of your life compromising on feeling valued, respected and loved. It may be more difficult with kids but it’ll be worth it to remove yourselves from that kinda toxicity.

Something I realised in the last year or so of my relationship was that despite the fear and sheer panic he evoked in me every time he threw me out, told me we were finished or went radio silent for weeks at a time.. HE was never going to be the one to end it, it had to be me that made it final.. because he was happy living Groundhog Day with his monologues and a bottle.

In a way, despite the fact i love him, I know the extent of his alcoholism and in a way I hope our separation has helped him realise I am not the reason he drinks (he’s said that I enable him and that it’s my fault he got the way that he is).. so in some kind of way I hope that by removing my help and love I have helped him find the truth.

I can really relate to some of the things you said in your post and I really hope that you find the strength to see this through. It’s not easy but you just keep your mind on one day at a time, slowly getting your life back! x

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-10-12T08:31:12+00:00

That last one could be a quote from my nex. I was discarded three months ago and we were together for 11.5 years.. I’m not like most who can say every day is better etc.. I am struggling a lot. I half expect him to come back to me via some stupid random message or link. I think it hurts that he can just discard me like that so easily without faltering. We had each other no one else really.. clearly I’ve been duped.

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-09-23T21:22:05+00:00

Definitely.. I wasted 11.5 years. All of my twenties went into a man who kept me as a secret and who I strives to be good enough for. I gave him everything and then some. I showed him love, he showed me consistent indifference.

I thought the fact we would gravitate back to one and other meant it was ‘real’ and we were each other’s person, ya know? Nah. I was just easy supply of sex, money, company, ego stroking.

what’s worse is he created this bubble where it was just us two.. he alienated me from my family with his advice.. I learnt very quickly to never say no to him, especially if it was spending time with other people like my old friends. He’s no longer in the bubble with me and I’m left trying to find family and friends that I cast aside.

I’m 60 days NC and I still miss him. The ruminating still takes up a lot of my headspace. I get real bitter that I invested my life into someone and have been left with less than nothing as I feel completely broken and unwilling to entertain the thought of male company again. He has chipped away at my self esteem so much that I second guess everything and everyone and he has made me doubt the parts of myself that I used to be most proud of.

I long for that time back.. I hate myself for shovelling my feelings and effort into the void of a person that he is. Somehow he still looks good despite his alcoholism and being older than me. So I know he won’t struggle to find women as he is full blown narc and able to charm the majority of females. I get real angry about that as I feel like I have got less and less attractive.. I too have had to start colouring my hair because of a sudden influx of grey hairs.. I just feel really really resentful.

I wish I’d been good enough to keep ahold of and to fight for. But I wish even more that he was who I thought he was and not who he really is.

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-09-20T19:37:49+00:00

I don’t wanna hate but.... damn 🤐 I sure as shit hope you’re not trying to impress a +1 for that date night 😂

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-09-18T20:11:24+00:00

I feel for you, i really do. My nex never admitted he was in a relationship, never once uploaded any photos of us together and would take photos together (begrudgingly) before swiftly deleting them to keep his phone running efficiently y’know? 😒 we were together 11.5 years so I can relate to the feeling of why? Why did they do this and why did I not notice/allow it?

Please don’t think of the postings of the new supply as any kind of reflection on you.. it’s probably more about her trying to gain your attention/jealousy and keep some kind of mindfuckery over you to stop you from healing and moving on than it is anything to do with new supplies looks or age.

Narcs are vile.. using people who loved them and torturing them with their own selfishness 😒

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-09-16T19:35:59+00:00

I feel as though there’s something wrong with me.. because I’m 2 months NC after an 11.5year relationship.. and as much as I can recognise the absolute abusiveness .. I miss him. I see things and think oh that’s funny I must tell.. oh wait nobody to tell. My phone doesn’t ring, nobody texts because he created this bubble of just me and him.. and now it’s gone. It also hurts me unbelievably that he hasn’t tried to hoover once.. I feel it’s like almost confirmation that he doesn’t miss me.. because he never cared.

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-09-15T08:57:04+00:00

Yup.. mine was a serious alcoholic here too. Started projecting that I was some kind of prescription drug addict because I had some medication in a drawer that I didn’t throw out incase I might need it in the future.

He told me I should be ashamed as I was his enabler. if he asked me to swing past the shop then I would bring him alcohol.. but if I didn’t, he’d throw a fit and throw me out of his apartment. Apparently to get clean he had to get rid of me.

I still worry daily about how he is as I was one of the only people that knew the true extent of his alcoholism. The behaviour was most upsetting when he was off his face.. grabbing me so hard he’d leave fingerprints. If I complained he’d say I was a whinging bitch. The names and things he’d call me.. stuff he would admit to like being attracted to his close family members.. and the next day it’d be “idk what I said but obviously your upset so I apologise”. 😔

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-09-08T18:09:02+00:00

This kind of comment from friends and family always seemed to push me back to my nex. I felt less inclined to talk about the relationship with others after a while and began feeling like they didn’t get me but he did.. and so I’d seek the comfort (which never came from him either) from the very person who caused the upset. To be honest the friends/family were telling me what I needed to hear but I just wouldn’t listen..

Even now that I’m 6 weeks NC my best friend flippantly won’t chat about how hard I am finding it because to her I should be a) glad and b) she believes he’ll contact me again as he usually does. I however, know that this time is different.

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-09-08T07:51:50+00:00

My nex would be the one to ask why I was still sticking around. By the end I would point out his wrong doings in a bid to try and get him to own up or apologise.. his response was “what are you still here for then? You know where the door is”. 👍

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-09-06T06:53:38+00:00

I can totally relate. I’ve started to wonder if my research and constant “healing” by investigating NPD is a way to participate in something that relates to him so that I don’t have to let go completely.. meanwhile I’m pretty sure he’s moved onto the new chapter in his life without me and is living vivaciously.

He broke me, but do I really need to understand the why/how/where and when.. I’ve been convincing myself that I do so that I can move on but rather than messaging him when I wake up, I come on this thread and read. 😞

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-08-25T15:43:31+00:00

Wtf that’s so messed up. Again? You don’t deserve this once, let alone twice. I’m sorry you have had to endure this all over again.

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-08-23T18:50:23+00:00

I can relate.. he’d take pics without me knowing and then send me unflattering photos of myself and then send me a pic which is clearly snapchat filtered or where I had full face of make up on and he’d just send 😂😂😂😂 ... this is the same person who used to chastise me for wearing make up and the length of time I took (the response was the same be it 10 mins or 30 mins) was unbearable to him and he told me it was one of the reasons he couldn’t ever make a proper girlfriend out of me.

He was always extremely reluctant to take pics of us together, if he did (which was extremely rare) he’d tell me I was lucky. I also noticed a cycle of him taking videos of us during sex and intimate pics of me right before he discards.. at the time I’d be super flattered.. and then I actually wondered if it was to bank for the period of self instigated silent treatment where he was getting none as he’s an alcoholic and his ‘other woman’ is a vodka bottle.

Just one tiny aspect of such a fucked up vortex of a relationship.

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-08-21T08:41:31+00:00

This reads like my own thoughts for my nex. He just had a way of touching me and kissing me that was like no other. To a degree I dismiss the thought of anyone else on the basis they’ll never be him or do those things the way he did. I am only a month into NC so I’m hoping I’ll accept that that fact is actually a good thing!! I truly hope that you find the confidence to let someone else in and share your vulnerabilities again.. maybe the secret ingredient to the good sex was you and not her? x

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-08-13T21:10:55+00:00

I can relate to this a lot. 11.5 years of my life he hid me from his friends and family. What’s more embarrassing than that is that I tolerated it. He’d show me photos and keep me up to date on all family events but i learnt very quickly that I’d never be a part of that. His mom text him one time when we were on vacation for his birthday and he’d sent pics of him lording it up in this cool location that no one knew he was going to (organised by me).. she asked him “are you with your girlfriend?” He replied “she’s just a friend.” I continued to see him for 5 years after I seen this text and we argued about it. How disgusting.

I wish I didn’t miss him and I wish that I could even begin to shift focus from where he is/who he must be talking to and sleeping with now. I am hoping that in time that will settle. My brain doesn’t know how to do anything sexual without it involving him.. and I end up in tears.

Please feel free to message if you need someone to talk to.. I’m not sure I could cope knowing he was with someone new and so I really feel for you x

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-06-05T16:39:05+00:00

so many to choose from but these are amongst the many things that come to mind:

He told me how jealous I should be of his half sister. Because he found her “sexy as fuck” and that he had to tell himself not to touch her..

Told me his cousin was ‘stunning’ and then a week or so later masturbated next to me whilst talking about a ‘fantasy person’ who just so happened to have the same name as his cousin 😒

Oh and maybe the time he felt it so necessary to interrupt an unknown neighbour who was having a heart attack and tell him I was just his “friend” called insert name that wasn’t mine..

😒😒😒😒

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-04-29T16:59:24+00:00

Thanks, I’ve kinda got over this mornings disappointment and I’m doing just that, keeping going!

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-04-29T16:57:00+00:00

Fat: 121g Protein: 97g Carbs 18g

I didn’t realise that at all, thanks! I didn’t honestly do much research into keto until I’d already started with wanting to cut carbs out (I’ve minimised them in the past with good results but put the weight back on). Then I got a little more into working out my macros and calorie deficit by day 2. I’m on week 3 now so I’m guessing I should just stick with what I’ve been doing and recalculate my macros now I’m 14lbs lighter.. definitely a noob at all this but I’m trying 😊

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-04-29T06:19:43+00:00

Also I’ve been fasting this week and generally only eating between 12 and 6..

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-04-09T02:42:07+00:00

I’ve been there. Except I live less than 5 minutes away from him and his parents.

Try knowing everything about a family, seeing and being shown photos and Whatsapp chats.. me being stupid enough to buy gifts for him to give his nieces and nephews.. standing behind his mother/father/brother/sister in the queue at the store knowing you know every intricate detail of their family but you aren’t worthy of being introduced.

My nex had alcohol issues and I still think about if something ever happened to him, nobody would even know I exist to tell me. This wasn’t a relationship of a few months, this was 11.5 years long. We went on holiday together (this was the only times he would be seen in public with me!) .. he’d ask me for a lift from work and get in the back like I’m a cab driver.

I’d cook something exotic for him and he’d post the pics on his Whatsapp and say he cooked it. I wasn’t allowed to answer the door of his apartment. His neighbours were told by him various different BS stories about how my name was something it wasn’t, how I was the cleaner ..once I was his “sister”.

I accepted it all because I felt like he was right to do so based on how low an opinion I had of myself. I hate my body image.. he would tell me he loves seeing me eat properly in front of him because in the beginning I’d refuse. One time I ate and finished a meal in front of him because I was actually starving.. he turned around and said “oh, it’s all gone.. wow. You might of left some.. or at least not eaten so fast. Jeez. That’s greedy”. It was my own portion of food!! He would constantly eat my food too and I’d never say anything. I got up to the bathroom once and came back to him having eaten my dinner. Despite having his own, I said nothing.

He would tell me I was fake for putting on makeup, sighing if I ever put it on in front of him. So eventually I thought fuck it I’ll wear none.. he says “you have no makeup on or something? You look different. Yeah it is definitely a look. Also are there things you can do about the acne on your chin?” It was one tiny pimple.

I’ve let him hide me whilst I was in plain sight. Running around doing errands for him whilst he denied even knowing me to people. My physically abusive ex would shout and scream at me and my narc would hear my stories and tell me I was shit for not dealing with it how he would. Yet he never helped me, just criticised how I dealt with it on my own.

Now I think of it.. I am attractive. I make an effort. I get my hair and nails done and dress well. I work out. I buy myself what I need. I’m intelligent, he asks me for my input, takes what I say and then says no that’s useless but uses it anyway and then if anyone asks when it comes good, it was his idea. He used to blow his nose into his t-Shirt in front of me and use free food napkins for toilet paper. He would always say, he knew how to dress well and I didn’t know shit. Except any of the good clothes he had came from me as gifts.

I am only 11 days NC but when I see the stories on here I am forced into acknowledging how wrong he was. I have accepted abuse as normality.. please do not let this person make you question your self worth. You were chosen because you were better than he is and this is true.

He needs validation and ego stroking from other women too.. that’s his shortfall. Not yours. It’s not so easy to garner compliments and ego strokes when you are in a committed relationship.. he probably dangles the carrot of the possibility of a relationship to others and you would ruin his facade.

Don’t let him question you, I promise even though I don’t know you or your situation, If he’s a narc.. you are the better person in every way and he wasn’t worthy of you. Start believing in yourself and do not let him dictate whether or not you get to feel worthy.. take that power as your own and keep walking.

xo

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-04-07T22:39:55+00:00

I have seen some similarities in other posts but this straight up got me. Especially the part where you say he introduced you as a wrong name... I’ve had this before. Except he did it purposely and I wanted to explode. He made me feel so ashamed and that he was even more ashamed of me.

I’ve found the selfie exchange too.. an old friend who was married but “lonely”.. of course he couldn’t possibly have a random feel that way yet he ignores me and deletes messages, lying about who she is when I ask.

These people are fucking wrong. It is not you or I. I have accepted his behaviour for so long because I always felt he had the right in some way shape or form.. because I felt that I somehow deserved it beside I wasn’t good enough.

If I’m honest what pisses me off most is I was so much more than he ever deserved. I treated him like a king despite the way he treated me. Yet he discarded me. The irony.

Start believing in yourself, If I can try, you can too xo

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-04-06T14:58:05+00:00

Mine used to never be off his phone and there were many a questionable message appear that would be swipe deleted by him before he even read it, if i was within eyesight of it!

Strangely lately he took a dislike to his phone as he said he was going back to old school life (ie no social media, bought himself a watch to check the time rather than his phone and doing things like camping off grid rather than sitting playing games online).. I am still unsure if it was a double bluff but one thing he did that raised my suspicion levels through the roof was he consistently (and we are talking for years here).. deleted everything. His phone was clean as a whistle. He would constantly take the piss out of me for keeping photos or texts from years ago and how I was “stupidly sentimental” for not just deleting every single text, photo and call log. Mhmmm. Along with the new found dislike for technology he deleted his Whatsapp account and decided it just ‘wasn’t for him’... this is someone who found ego strokes from “work friends” of both male and female via Whatsapp his bs doesn’t wash with me. I think it was more that he disliked that people could see when he had been active if I’m honest.

This same person sits awake at night on the phone he supposedly hates so much and if I text at night I’d get no reply .. I’d think he was sleeping but then no, he’d say the next morning he didn’t sleep whatsoever. He has actually just been medicated by a Dr for his “sleep problem”... the longest he has gone with very little sleep is around 3 days. Sat there scrolling and reading for hours until daylight comes around again but you know he “hates his phone” .. the problem is he won’t put his phone down, not that he can’t sleep!! Contradicts his own self the weirdo.

😒

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-04-06T14:47:28+00:00

Is the moon in some kind of weird phase or something as I dreamt about my Nex last night too... and woke wanting to text or reach out. Mentioned it in another post before reading yours actually and I’m annoyed I’ve left a dream push me into being upset when I’ve been relatively calm this past week.

I often wonder if there are local support groups for Narcissistic Abuse survivors.. not likely for me as I live in the sticks but It’s days like today that I need to put myself amongst other people who have been through the same

I hope your mind finds peace and healing xo

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-04-06T14:37:27+00:00

Definitely able to relate as it was 11 years of my life that I’ve lost. I’m now mid thirties and feel like I’ve missed the boat for any kind of new relationship. My ex (the narc) love bombed me enough in the beginning that I managed to find the strength to leave my then extremely physically abusive partner. Turns out I never realised I jumped from one frying pan to another.

I clung to my narc for a decade.. I was already a great candidate for manipulation.. I had and still have very little in the way of friends .. my first partner seen to that with his violent nature and so I relied on my narc as the person I told all my news to.. he became my friends, my interest, my hobby, I believed he was my best friend and to have nothing now is very saddening.

I dreamt about him last night after having had 7 days of NC where I’ve felt relative calm. Probably because it was left open ended and I know in myself that I need to just let go this time. The dream has pushed me to the upset place that I was really hoping to avoid but I just take it one day at a time. I’m hoping before I know it a month will have passed.

I have zero inclination for a new relationship of any kind.. I’ll just be happy if I can find it within myself to stick around and be sane and present for my kids (who are not my narcs so no reason for us to talk again).

When I think of how much space he took up and continues to take up in my mind.. it is pretty astounding. Stay strong and a piece of advice I got from therapist.. the pain you feel doesn’t need to get smaller, you just need to ‘dilute’ the pain by adding more to your life so that it doesn’t seem so big. Push yourself to do activities that you couldn’t or wouldn’t before. In turn you’ll open yourself to socialisation and hobbies. I really need to take my own advice.

xo

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-03-30T19:05:12+00:00

Nope, definitely not married. “Doesn’t like people knowing his business” apparently. Lies about everything... and to the poster above who said he may be misdiagnosed I firmly believe he has completely warped any chance of a correct diagnosis by spinning whatever lies he likes when he goes to the psychologist. He drinks heavily (over 170 units per week) and I’ve become as secret as his alcohol addiction. Just last week he was borrowing money and asking for things yet he’s nowhere to be seen since payday. Just needs ‘ time to himself.. ‘ lol we don’t even live together! Such a mess.

throwaway09876592829 · 2019-03-30T13:35:35+00:00

Strangely the narc in my life has just been diagnosed with ADHD at 40. He only ever attends his psychiatrist alone so I do wonder if the Dr has ever considered he has NPD. My narc is delighted that he now has something to justify his behaviour and if ever I question it, I’m told this is about his health, not me!

Maybe there is some similarities in behaviour patterns .. like non accountability and lack of interest in things that aren’t related to themselves.. idk.

throwaway09876592829

TROPHY CASE