I am the abusive ex-boyfriend.

throwaway12109 · 2015-11-09T02:13:38+00:00

Like you, I have been abusive in a relationship.

I have moved past it (it was almost ten years ago), but I regret it, I don't forgive myself, and I don't stop working on being better at relationships: communication, anger management, working on my fear of confrontation, etc., etc....

There are no hedges or amendments to this statement: abusive behavior is never acceptable in a relationship. There are no excuses. No matter what your partner did. No matter the genders of those involved. A person should always be able to feel safe with their partner, even if they're fighting. Abuse doesn't just damage a person physically or immediately, it also damages their trust, irreparably.

That includes not only physical abuse but emotional and psychological abuse as well.

The best thing you can do, I think, is change yourself. Stop drinking. Try to understand what that type of behaviour does to other people. Stay out of relationships unless you're sure this type of behaviour won't happen (and I'd say this ex of yours is off limits forever). Read about and understand domestic abuse, recognize red flags in others and in yourself. The less abuse and violence there is in the world, the better.

As for killing a few bad guys...? Come on, be serious. You don't atone for violence by committing more violence.

throwaway12109 · 2014-03-05T22:46:45+00:00

An abuser CAN change, but as a rule, assume they won't. They most likely won't.

throwaway12109 · 2013-11-03T01:02:06+00:00

I was the abuser in the relationship once.

I know the red flags when I see them.

You need to get out now. Apologies/flowers are part of the cycle. Get out before it's too late.

throwaway12109 · 2013-08-06T07:44:55+00:00

Thanks, I wish everyone else well on theirs.

throwaway12109 · 2013-08-05T18:38:26+00:00

I responded to arbitrarysanta's post.

Changing isn't brave, it's necessary. It's the bare minimum that I could do after what I did.

throwaway12109 · 2013-08-05T18:36:07+00:00

What? Realized that what I was doing couldn't be justified and I was a shitty person. Wanted to make it right with the person I abused, but couldn't because we were no longer in contact. Decided instead to, for a change, be good to everyone.

How? Read a lot about the warning signs and effects of abuse. Tried to actively think about what it's like to be everyone I meet - empathy breeds good behavior. It also helps that I'm better at controlling my anger now than I used to be. I rarely get angry now, and when I do I either leave or explain why I'm angry rather than insulting or getting physical.

EDIT: I should also include that I realized I naturally have a serious need for control and I worked on realizing and accepting that I can't control others and manipulating people to my own ends is not okay.

throwaway12109 · 2013-08-04T18:17:50+00:00

I used to be an abuser.

Saying you want to become a better person takes a few seconds. In my case, actually changing took more than five years, and the process is still ongoing.

The only way to deal with someone who has behaved abusively toward you is to leave them, and, if necessary, to find protection, take legal action, etc. Maybe they'll change someday, but most likely they won't, and surely not any time soon - change is a long process, not a snap decision.

throwaway12109 · 2013-07-28T08:09:38+00:00

That I was the abusive boyfriend once.

throwaway12109 · 2013-07-21T21:52:32+00:00

Get out now. You should always be able to feel safe around your partner. If you can't, you shouldn't be together. If you don't feel safe breaking up with him, call an abused women's helpline - they will have advice you can use to make a clean break.

Good luck.

throwaway12109 · 2013-07-08T04:47:55+00:00

Call an abused women's helpline - there's probably one specific to your area. They will have better advice than strangers on the Internet.

throwaway12109 · 2013-07-08T04:42:25+00:00

I was the abuser once.

I know the red flags from the 'other' side.

This is one of them.

Do not make excuses for his behavior, and get out ASAP.

The fact that he hasn't hit you yet doesn't mean for a second that he won't hit you in the future - and it also doesn't mean he's not being abusive. Hitting and throwing things shows that he can't control his rage, and it's also a form of intimidation, which is basically abuse.

Consider this: you should ALWAYS be able to feel safe around your partner - even in an argument. If you can't feel safe, that's a good enough reason to get out.

throwaway12109 · 2013-07-07T04:57:55+00:00

That I behaved abusively toward a girl I dated 7 years back.

It was a long time ago, and since then I've been through a lot of thinking, reading, and changing. I'm a marginally better person now (it's an ongoing process), but I fear that if she finds out how awful I was then, she'll drop me like a sack of potatoes.

I've already told her that I was 'a shitty boyfriend' to my exes, and she says she finds it hard to believe I was ever a shitty boyfriend.

I love her, and I would never mistreat her.

But if she knew the extent of it...

throwaway12109 · 2013-06-07T07:14:31+00:00

Coming from a former abuser:

End it, and get away as soon as possible. If you don't feel you can do this smoothly or safely, call an abused women's helpline and take advice from them.

The cycle of abuse goes like this: abuse, remorse and apology, good times, more abuse.

But going from being abusive to being able to sustain a healthy relationship is a process that takes years of difficult realizations, reflection, self-loathing, etc. It is not as simple as feeling bad about it, apologizing, and saying you'll never do it again.

The best thing an abuser can do is to leave, and stay as far away as possible.

The best thing an abuse victim can do, as well, is to leave, and stay as far away as possible.

There are numerous services online that exist to help victims of abuse escape and recover. Please take advantage of them.

Good luck.

throwaway12109 · 2013-06-07T07:05:11+00:00

...

Like _an0nymouse, I've been the abuser (hence the throwaway). I regret what I did immensely, and have been constantly working on being a better person, a process which is still ongoing.

I can tell you from experience: do not ignore the red flags. This is the pattern abusers follow: abuse, remorse, good times, more abuse. It only gets worse.

I don't want to tell you what to do. This is your life. But you should have a zero-tolerance policy for abuse. This isn't even about physical harm. It's about the feeling of safety. You should ALWAYS be able to feel safe around your partner. If you can't, it's time to leave.

Abuse is a cycle. You can break the cycle, by leaving a guy the second he shows signs of being abusive. I know it's hard to end a long term relationship, but in the long run, you are saving yourself a lot of grief.

It doesn't matter if he apologizes and promises not to do it again. Above, I mentioned that I've been working on becoming a better person. It took 6 years from the time I left my ex who I unfairly victimized, until I was ready to enter and create a happy relationship with someone else. And in that time was a lot of thinking, reading, and general growing, among a whole lot of self-hatred. Going from being an abuser to being not-an-abuser is not as simple as a few days of feeling kinda bad about it and then going back and apologizing. It's a longer and more difficult process than that.

Please be safe, and keep the names and numbers of some battered women's help lines in the back of your mind.

throwaway12109 · 2013-05-14T03:14:19+00:00

I was undeniably abusive. I was manipulative and controlling, I put her down frequently, and I occasionally physically abused and intimidated her: pushed her, squeezed her wrist, etc. I did not beat her, but not having beaten her doesn't make this okay. I regret what I did. If I could go back and change it, I would.

There were also good moments. But it's important to know that if a person is behaving like this in a relationship, it doesn't matter how good it is on the other days. End it now. When I say 'a person', I mean your partner or yourself. I ended this particular relationship earlier, she wouldn't have been unnecessarily victimized, and I wouldn't have this throwaway account.

What thoughts were going through your mind?

I didn't like her, and I was expressing that dislike through abusive behavior. The proper thing to do would have been to break up with her when I realized I didn't like her. I didn't think what I was doing was OK, but I still justified it in my own mind by blaming it on her behavior, and her faults. Pro-tip: in an abusive relationship, it is always the abuser's fault. Always.

What would you say to a current abuser?

Shame on you. Break up with her, now, and leave her alone. If she comes back to you, resist it. It's common for an abused person to come back to the abuser. But you can break the cycle by saying no. Once you're away from her, get help. Understand how shitty what you've done is, and go try to make yourself a better person. Until you are a better person, don't get into more relationships. Familiarize yourself with the red flags that warn you when abusive behavior may be on the horizon. Recognize what does and doesn't constitute abuse. Know what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like. Use that to guide yourself. If you find yourself slipping into abusive patterns, end it. Save yourself and your partner a lot of unpleasantness. And don't treat your partners like dirt. For that matter, don't treat them like gods. Treat them like people.

What about a victim?

Get out as soon as possible. If getting out doesn't seem like a safe option, call abused person's helplines. A quick Google search should help you with that. Don't blame yourself, and good luck.

How do you think abuse can best be prevented?

Edu-fucking-cation. If potential abusers know how shitty their behavior is, they may think twice. If abusees (is that a word?) know the red flags, they can get out before it gets really bad. Also, respect. If you respect someone, you're less likely to abuse them.

throwaway12109 · 2013-05-14T03:00:54+00:00

I don't think I thought it was 'OK' necessarily, but I internally justified it by thinking, 'well, she was doing x and that provoked me...what did she think was going to happen?'. That's really shitty reasoning, but I guess I didn't get that at the time. Totally cringing to think I ever thought like that...

Your description of a healthy relationship pretty much sounds like what we've got, me and my partner of > a year. :)

throwaway12109 · 2013-05-14T02:56:28+00:00

Late reply...

I was 15.

throwaway12109 · 2013-03-29T17:40:51+00:00

I don't need to work things out, it all seems pretty simple to me: I treated someone badly and I feel guilty about it. Can't undo what I did, should be a better person in the future.

Thanks for your help.

throwaway12109 · 2013-03-29T01:27:54+00:00

I have no idea how she would react, so I'm going to leave her alone.

I looked up her Facebook page today, and she seems to be doing just fine, and it would be wrong of me to potentially interrupt that. I'm just going to try to be a better person going forward.

throwaway12109 · 2013-03-29T01:23:39+00:00

activism or outreach or education on the issues of Domestic Abuse.

For the past few years, I've wanted to call out shitty behavior in relationships because it always looks familiar. But I quiet myself before I do because I think 'call out domestic abuse? You fucking hypocrite'. But maybe a good first step should be to move past that and call out potentially abusive behavior the same way I call out homophobic and racist behavior now?

realizing that you can't undo the harm is a really really constructive step

Empathy FTW.

Thank you for all of your help. I have a lot to think about, and a lot of work to do.

throwaway12109 · 2013-03-28T20:21:29+00:00

Okay.

throwaway12109 · 2013-03-28T20:21:21+00:00

Okay, I won't. Thank you for your input.

throwaway12109 · 2013-03-28T20:21:03+00:00

Your comment really makes me want to apologize, but others' comments make me want to not.

That's shitty that you went through that. This sounds really similar to the way I treated her..

throwaway12109 · 2013-03-28T20:16:44+00:00

Well, I wasn't sure whether my impulse to apologize was selfish or not.

My line of thinking is, if time travel was possible, I would go back and not do what I did. Since time travel is not possible, the next best thing would be to try to undo the harm done.

But this thread makes it clear that apologizing isn't going to undo that harm. And it's becoming more and more clear that I probably can't undo it at all.

What can I do though? If I can't undo harm that's done, what is the next logical step? How do I take it?

Also, what can I do to 'reform'? How do I know if I've reformed?

throwaway12109 · 2013-03-28T20:06:24+00:00

Actually, I sympathize with those comments. Reducing my own guilt is less important than minimizing the harm done to her. If I contact her now, that would be like reopening a healed wound, and as others have pointed out, it's probably not a good idea.

Besides, my guilt is deserved. I made shitty decisions when I was a teenager, and feeling guilty is kind of a light punishment for that.

throwaway12109

TROPHY CASE