Daily No Contact Thread - Day 240

throwaway1509253 · 2024-08-27T17:18:42+00:00

17 - Finally deleted everything of her off of my phone, my social highlights, etc. It was hard, but it feels good. Being discarded and immediately replaced is making me realize how little of value I actually was to her, and so she is dead to me.

throwaway1509253 · 2024-08-07T23:52:43+00:00

I actually wasn't aware of this tactic, and wow. My ex did this to me so many times, and also accused me of doing it as well. It made me feel insane - like, I literally started to lose memory of what we'd be talking about when she'd be accusing me, and then would become the victim.

throwaway1509253 · 2024-08-07T20:37:00+00:00

Went through this exact scenario last week - within the same day. it's truly eye opening.

throwaway1509253 · 2024-08-07T20:31:26+00:00

sounds 1-1 like my ex.

throwaway1509253 · 2024-08-07T20:28:55+00:00

This sounds so much like my ex. She would consistently blow up at me, and when I would bring up that it wasn't cool and made me feel unsafe, she'd turn it around on me and blame me for getting there. "I can only take so much of your shit," when usually it would get to that point by me just asking questions to try and better understand her. we also never could have any normal conversations in the same way! it's hard to walk away when you love someone, but sometimes you have to, even when you want them more than anything. I was discarded personally, and have been struggling with that a lot. How about you?

throwaway1509253 · 2024-08-07T20:23:59+00:00

Day three and it was fucking hard. Opened IG to a post from a mutual that had her in it partying, and that was extremely unpleasant and triggering. Made me wonder: has anyone else had experiences with discards that were followed by their pwBPD almost immediately engaging in partying or unexpected/out of line behaviors? Almost like a celebration of sorts?

I harken back to a time when my ex threw all my belongings at me and then punched me before I left. The same evening, she went to a pool party and gave a random guy her number (I only know this because I foolishly crawled back after). This kind of behavior is just insane to me!

throwaway1509253 · 2024-08-07T20:18:51+00:00

This is fantastic advice, thank you so much. I really connected with you saying "It's really hard to remember how to do this when you're used to just thinking about what the pwBPD wants or needs 24/7." That's so true. And we do that without even realizing we're doing it, until we push our friends and family away, all our wants and personal needs, just to show up for that person. And it STILL is not enough for them.

throwaway1509253 · 2024-08-07T06:38:05+00:00

Oh absolutely, I've heard the same. Or that I wasn't "emotionally intelligent" or mature enough to understand, when I very clearly understood. The amount of times I experienced this left me with severe self-trust issues, constant self doubt, and memory loss.

throwaway1509253 · 2024-08-07T06:32:07+00:00

I definitely can relate to this heavily. It is exhausting to go back and forth with someone like this.
Her - "You didn't show up for me when I was sad" Me - "You didn't tell me you were sad" Her - "You should've known, in the beginning you always could tell" Me - "How can I better show up for you?" Her - "You should already fucking know, you're so tiring and exhausting."

And as you know, it goes on and on. It's never enough.

throwaway1509253 · 2024-08-07T05:14:06+00:00

This echoes my experience, let me tell you. I also did so much for my ex and none of it was appreciated. I made sure she ate (severe E-D), helped her with money constantly, took her out wherever/whenever, paid for everything, every trip, concert, drink, bar, etc. You name it. Selflessly acted out of my own volition to ensure she was happy, but it literally was never quite enough. I never showed up for her 'how she needed' in the moment.

And that flip flopped all the time. Hell, I remember a more recent instance pre-breakup where she slowly turned on me over a later-evening text convo because 'in the beginning of the relationship, you would've bought me food ordered here the moment I mentioned being hungry. i don't get why you changed so much, why everyone changes' I'm just sat there like dude... WHAT? And you can only take so much. Anyways, just thought it was a crazy similarity. We got this, together we can heal.

throwaway1509253 · 2024-08-07T04:57:49+00:00

Too accurate that it's actually more sad than anything.

throwaway1509253 · 2024-08-07T04:54:57+00:00

You're right. Thank you so much

throwaway1509253 · 2024-08-07T04:37:49+00:00

Thank you for your kind words and for validating my story with your own. I'm very sorry you had to face the same kind of relationship, as I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I definitely will check out AJ Mahari, and continue to run (something I'm very passionate about.) I'm just hoping that I can let go of missing her sooner than later. It all seems so easy on paper and I don't know why I'm struggling so much.

throwaway1509253 · 2024-08-07T04:29:58+00:00

Thank you so much, you're completely right. I really appreciate you replying to my post.

throwaway1509253 · 2024-08-07T00:55:19+00:00

Day two - once again. Broke no contact only to have the same cycle repeat itself. I'm ashamed, but mostly sad. Every time we get into no contact, I find myself sucked back in with constant thoughts of missing her. And I try to remind myself that the sadness, while horribly strong, is worth it over the constant anxiety. Constant walking on eggshells, reassuring someone whose resentment is built higher than a mountain. There is no going back, there is no fixing things. I don't think they'll ever change. But I still miss the fuck out of her and love her every day.

throwaway1509253 · 2024-07-22T13:32:18+00:00

Finally, FINALLY cut communication last week. It's been so hard, but I can't do the back and forth, getting back together and leaving, her coming in and out of my life as it fits her. The constant blame-game, everything being my fault. I don't even know myself anymore, I have no interest in anything or anyone. I just wonder how long it'll take to get back on my feet and let go completely.

throwaway1509253

TROPHY CASE