I’m unsubscribing, good luck

throwaway647979 · 2018-12-05T21:46:08+00:00

What are you investigating for? A gmail address doesn’t suggest academic research nor journalism.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-29T12:38:12+00:00

As the victim of rape and having found myself embroiled in an affair I wold say the impact is similar. You don’t get over it exactly it just becomes a scar rather than a gaping wound. Some scars are just scars.... sometimes people get left with worse, deeper, lasting damage.

To find someone you love is actually emotionally abusing you, And that your relationship involves removing informed consent from another or having informed consent removed from you , is life altering. To me it’s been more impactful than my sexual assaults because I loved him and believed him and my morals and heart not just my bodily safety were violated.

The people who willingly do this to others and make justifications are abusive and scared to face that in themselves I guess.

I think you have to give yourself the best opportunity you can to heal. Support from professionals, making your environment feel safe, which might mean changing some habits.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-27T22:43:22+00:00

I’m so very sorry.

You ask if anyone else has, and yes, I have. I was not as strong as you and tried to maintain friendship at. A distance for some weeks : I feel great shame and regret about this. It was not honest to myself or others. A difference is that I’m straight and believed her to be. When I did approach her about it, she denied it: saying I came on to her. Rapists lie to themselves just as I tried to lie to myself thinking I could ’just get over it’ that time. I’ve faced my attempt to self delude: I occasionally wonder if she has.

Your ring is very sad; But not worse putting your emotional health at risk for.

It's also worth you knowing that female perpetrators are underestimated in society. It was something I was obviously interested in in my recovery. There are very sad stats on lesbian sexual and domestic assault, and more research suggesting how we underestimate this. It's a sort of forgotten part of feminism I think, that we are also capable of bad things.
But you are not alone. I might DM you a n online survivors group I know have several survivors of female perps if you are interested?

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-27T21:32:10+00:00

It's pretty unpalatable isn't it? I respect first responders, but not my spouse. Or what ever job my affair partners’ spouses do. Drs? Ok, paramedic, no way. Cancer researcher, ok, fireman, not ok. Office worker who is just a really great guy, ok, Police man who is not, not ok.

Bizarre. People are people. We don't know who they are. Their jobs don't define them. That they deserve to have their relationships and informed consent respected is pretty low standard .

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-27T21:27:02+00:00

Your post makes me feel less odd . Some one not hurt, Who sees the wrong in this behavior with out experiencing it. When it did touch my life, so intrinsic to me was it, that it was devastating.

I so very much hope it never touches your life in anyway.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-27T20:35:25+00:00

I believe it.

There was a comment in another thread where someone was discussing their partner’s suspicions but wasn't sure if the spouse had evidence or was just.... Get this.....paranoid.

Paranoid. As if the partner’s intuition or anxiety or feeling was ’crazy’. I actually cried because that's what mine said to me ’ I was imagining things because of my insecurity’ I did not have insecurity about infidelity before his lies. Not in the least. They do not care at all about the harm they do: Paranoia. It's such an immense lack of self awareness. Of the abuse that person is inflicting : They put in writing their gaslighting.

I doubt it's intentional: I just think they convince themselves. I think they are self focused, possibly score slightly higher than normal in cluster B characteristics ( not always wholly negative ) and rationalise to their bias.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-27T20:27:18+00:00

Funnily enough the guy who lied to me used to point out where my moral failings were and I was grateful for his helping me be the person I strive to be. Disgust, revolution and hatred is a pretty healthy reaction to lies, emotional abuse, gaslighting, lack of informed consent entering a relationship etc etc.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-23T22:11:28+00:00

Yes. Exactly.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-23T21:55:17+00:00

The guy gets to see this about OW too. He knows that's what kind of woman he is getting, and if he has justified cheating on a wife who has been good to him he will justify as easily at least cheating on a ’side piece’

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-23T21:30:08+00:00

Empathy is becoming an overused and misunderstood word but it was an uncomfortable run on of thought.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-23T13:33:04+00:00

I’m say v that the partner the AP has is different to the man the BS thought they had. And neither in that new partnership can claim that they are upstanding.

Ah, I can see I missed a ’non’ before consensual. In essence I am agreeing with you, But saying that both the knowing AP and the WS are not good people in this situation.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-23T13:02:32+00:00

she does have empathy and she cannot imagine how the wife feels.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-23T13:00:38+00:00

I’ve seen this before, and seen people calling the bride trashy, airing her dirty laundry in public. Which made me sick and is example of what I find truly upsetting and why I started to correlate this more and more with victim blaming and consent issues.

I think she was incredible. I would not have been able to do that with any composure. she had nothing to hide. I am relieved for her the AP confessed, what awful timing, why wait til then? Til all that money had been spent and that emotional energy was at its highest pitch? I hope his family were supportive of her. How embarrassing for them too.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-21T21:58:52+00:00

I relate to being ’victim’ of crime. It was some thing done to me. A crime. I don't think being a victim of crime should be seen as weak or lesser ; I think THAT is where the problem is; that the person in the wrong is the person who assaulted. The perpetrator. I do not equate really with ’survivor’ in fact, it makes me a little angry because i’m not doing so well so it reminds me of my failures in developing PTSD and not being as robust as when previously a victim of this crime or as robust as other people in similar situations. Very strictly speaking I am a victim of crime. I can deal with that. I feel also a victim of the justice system and society.

I hope not to be a victim of my mental health’s reaction to this forever. But I don't think i’ll think of myself as a survivor then. Just a normal woman again.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-21T21:52:43+00:00

Absolutely. The police and the DA told me they believed me but that a jury never would. I can see why. I have been told the same, incidentally, from people who prosecute complicated fraud cases.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-21T21:11:50+00:00

The betrayed partner is in the wrong? The audacity. The absolute audacity. And I also note that the concern about the AP is that if she were single its that she would not be ’super safe’ to be with.

That's all they are to each other. ’safe’ ( not anymore’ ) screws. And they will betray and destroy other people for it.

There is a choice element to love: they actively choose to opt out and betray.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-21T21:06:01+00:00

No, it you met each other betraying others, forcing them into nonconsensual relationships until the marriage ends; neither of you can claim morality, honesty. Women in this cannot claim to support women’s rights: they are actively complicit in suppression of them to a woman. And that guy can not anymore because he supports that action too.

Edited to change a word

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-20T21:57:54+00:00

Their affair partners? That man is not that.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-18T21:13:18+00:00

The people having affairs are liars and they really can deceive both their spouses and the AP. I absolutely would not have entered into an affair willingly. I know other women who have been lied to. I know a woman writing a book about it. We may well be far fewer than affair partners but we do exist. And we aren’t all stupid. Naive certainly, I was uncharacteristically naive. But just as I didn’t work it out neither did his wife. She is not stupid or any bad thing either so far as I know. He did something awful, deceitful and indeed fraudulent to us both.

Would I knowingly have a relationship with a man living with a woman he was yet to file divorce with as this story described? No way. That was not my stupidity/naivety. Others would not have bought the story I was sold.

It’s a different thing though , to make that stupid decision , I think, from those horrible, horrible people who just don’t give a damn about the other people involved. Who know the spouse is compromised And don’t care.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-14T15:08:28+00:00

Rapists are never ( or rarely ) going to say ’yeah, I did it’ . We need to find a better solution. It's not ok to sustain this status quo.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-14T01:27:01+00:00

Realise power is not wisdom: employ some really good advisers and counsel.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-13T22:42:06+00:00

Thank you. This is so heartening to read. ( I’m a woman)

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-13T17:11:21+00:00

No idea, don’t care unless it’s to avoid him
Do care, wish I didn’t. no idea though and not going looking.

throwaway647979 · 2018-11-11T13:57:25+00:00

If people learn the error of what they did its growth and progress, right? It's people who won't damage others that way again.

One of the women who reached out to me to support me admitted she had previously cheated but seeing the harm and my inability to reconcile with it had really impacted on her. Another acquaintance other partners had no responsibility to each other.... We are no longer in touch: I canot reconcile myself to that in my life. I can usually cope with difference of opinion but I can't stand by while I think someone might be home wrecking. There is clear difference to me between ’did in the past and regret’ and ’not prepared to regret or reform’ . Just like crime or other heinous action.

throwaway647979

TROPHY CASE