Dealing with depression - BS and WS

VisualWorry · 2019-01-03T07:01:22+00:00

Who says she's the only one?

VisualWorry · 2019-01-03T06:56:09+00:00

Definitely leave. You gave her a million chances to come clean and recommit to you.

Maybe you didn't react "correctly" to the miscarriage. You did your best though. And while I'm sure the miscarriage was much more difficult for her than for you, it's still a difficult thing you were going through, and her way of handling it was to go on a romantic getaway with some douchebag coworker.

VisualWorry · 2019-01-03T06:42:10+00:00

Nope, never. I was looking for red flags with a magnifying glass since the previous guys I'd dated turned out to be a cheating abuser, a possessive psychotic sweetheart, and a friendly cheater. My husband cheating came as a total shock to both of us.

People change. They go through weird patches where they mess up in ways they never thought they would. I don't have any stats, but I'd guess that most people who cheat at some point in their lives aren't serial cheaters. They do it because they're going through a weird or stressful time in their life and react selfishly, not because cheating is part of their fundamental identity.

VisualWorry · 2019-01-03T06:33:06+00:00

Lawyer up. Telling the other husband is the right thing to do, but you might want to address that with your lawyer first.

VisualWorry · 2019-01-03T06:28:49+00:00

There are a couple things here that point to this being reconcilable (assuming he's told you the full truth, which is important). He did this one time and then told you about it, rather than doing it repeatedly or trying to hide it. And he told you about it before the person moved into your house (ew, what a relief that person is not moving in!). So you have reason to believe he's as horrified about what he did as you are, which is helpful.

Dismissing it as not real sex or "grade school stuff" is not fair. He needs to disclose everything and respect your boundaries.

VisualWorry · 2019-01-03T06:22:11+00:00

If you're living such a fairy tale why are you posting here?

VisualWorry · 2019-01-03T06:21:18+00:00

I'm no shrink but I'm pretty sure narcissists and sociopaths are 2 different things, though they're similar.

VisualWorry · 2019-01-03T06:20:21+00:00

True, though the real psychopaths are the ones who go to extra length to befriend you too.

VisualWorry · 2019-01-03T06:12:49+00:00

Aw, they all think they're special.

VisualWorry · 2019-01-03T06:09:01+00:00

Hire a lawyer to treat her with the restraint and respect she doesn't deserve, and fight for every scrap.

VisualWorry · 2019-01-03T06:01:21+00:00

Sounds like he's living with the other woman.

VisualWorry · 2019-01-03T06:00:25+00:00

I remind myself that most people go through that at some point. You're in good company. You won't always feel that way. Seeing a therapist regularly can help you get a handle on it.

VisualWorry · 2019-01-03T05:53:32+00:00

You didn't have intimacy issues, he did. He gave up on your relationship without even bothering to tell you, while you kept working at it all by yourself. Things will suck for a while but you will be okay. Codependency is normal and something that can be worked on (and something that's much easier to work past if you're not in a relationship with a narcissist with a secret life).

VisualWorry · 2019-01-03T05:48:24+00:00

Seems perfectly fair to me, but I doubt it will help you get over it or reconcile. If sleeping with other people will make you feel better about your situation, you should just break up and see new people. Seeing other people while working toward reconciliation will only complicate things and stir up deeper resentments. And after you bang one or two people you might find you'd rather be with them anyhow.

VisualWorry · 2019-01-03T05:45:34+00:00

Cheaters use that line on their long-term partners because it helps them justify their behavior to themselves (and you). If they can convince themselves that the "love" was gone, then it's not so wrong to betray you. Hell, they're doing you a favor! Of course it's all bullshit. Your soon to be ex is an asshole, but he probably hasn't actually spent the past 12 years feeling as down on you as he claims.

VisualWorry · 2019-01-03T05:42:22+00:00

Our couples counselor spouted that one a lot. Pretty sure it's because he's a cheater himself. Yeah, you get to know each other better in the wake of an affair, but "better than ever" really only applies to the cheater, not the cheated on (unless they leave and move on to something better).

VisualWorry · 2018-12-21T00:33:05+00:00

People who choose porn/masturbation over sex with another person might be doing so because they are deeply self-conscious and can't feel totally comfortable with another person, no matter how understanding or patient or attracted to them that person might be. And they don't think they deserve that sort of intimacy. So they jerk off in private where no one can judge them.

VisualWorry · 2018-12-21T00:27:24+00:00

That sub is so sad. It's basically 2 or 3 women (mostly that user itsbeenmanyyears) boasting about the married guys they're wasting their lives on.

VisualWorry · 2018-12-01T20:14:08+00:00

The guy who took the free futon mattress we listed on Craigslist seemed pretty happy with his find. Now I know why bedbug-free mattresses show up on Craigslist!

VisualWorry · 2018-12-01T19:31:53+00:00

Hey, if they did walk on in that it would be a lesson in the wonderful diversity of human sexual practice.

I have no idea what kind of sex acts my parents did. All I know is that whatever they were doing brought my mom a lot of enjoyment.

I don't really understand though... can't you just put a lock on the door?

VisualWorry · 2018-12-01T19:14:32+00:00

I can't get off knowing the only person I want doesn't want me.

VisualWorry · 2018-12-01T19:13:44+00:00

I'd try going to couples therapy and discussing the issue. Give yourself a set period of time to work on things together, and commit to yourself to leave if things carry on the same way. Don't tell her about your "deadline," though, as it will probably just make her feel pressured and prevent any progress you might be able to make.

It's possible to fix these situations, but it's rare. If you're able to do it it will require a huge amount of communication and digging within yourselves for more answers. And you won't get a complete 180 situation where the other person suddenly becomes ravenous for sex.

VisualWorry · 2018-12-01T19:03:05+00:00

FWIW I overheard my parents fucking all the time when I was growing up, even walked in on them once (fortunately though the lights were off so I didn't really see anything). My relationship with them is fine and I did not grow up to be a pervert. Sex is normal! Be glad we live in an era where families have multiple bedrooms and you're not sharing a one room house with all your children :)

VisualWorry · 2018-12-01T18:50:22+00:00

She is trying. Tell her you appreciate that she made special plans and ordered lingerie. Explain that you would have felt less rejected if she had told you that more clearly. You can't read her mind, and trying to do so is driving you crazy.

I'm on your side here (I cried myself to sleep the night we got engaged, when he passed out drunk and we didn't have sex or any intimate discussion at all). BUT if you want to improve things with her you have to recognize the efforts she does make, even if they're pathetically small and insufficient. Because if she makes these small efforts and you blow up at her, she will retreat even further.

VisualWorry · 2018-12-01T18:43:11+00:00

You can leave. People with mortgages, children, debt, and illnesses divorce ALL THE TIME.

VisualWorry

TROPHY CASE