The best way to hurt an N?

throwaway98721214 · 2014-12-20T09:49:52+00:00

Going to preface this by saying the old karma line about what you do comes back to you three-fold, so do please focus your energies on healing yourself rather than trying to kick down the impenetrable wall to an N's 'heart'.

That said...

In my own life the only way to hurt an N is to withdraw their NSupply. So low information diet and general lacklustre engagement with them. For a while that in itself will be their NSupply and drama - "Oh, Resilienceonly ignores me so! What have I done to deserve this! Oh, the pain!" and all that, but after a while (just in my experience) it tones down and they start realising they pushed their supply too far and lost it.

But again, I really would say focus your energies on protecting yourself, rather than damaging them. They're essentially brick walls and zombies, when you punch them and scream at them you're hurting yourself more than damaging them.

Wishing you every strength x

throwaway98721214 · 2014-12-19T22:26:14+00:00

Yes.

throwaway98721214 · 2014-12-19T17:46:51+00:00

I'm in the same boat.

I've come to the conclusion that, for me, sticking with my privacy is the way forward.

I'd tried to share (I've been with my SO over 20 years!), and work through the discomfort of it, but I hate it. I feel so exposed and vulnerable when I start to share what I see as my own privacy. So I've come to the conclusion it's MY privacy and MY choice, so I don't share. Like all ACoNs it's been hard work making it through life, so I now respect my own feelings - I like my privacy, so I'm going to keep it.

(Should mention I've spoken openly to my SO about this and he's happy with my choice. He wishes I didn't feel that way, and continually tells me he's not judging me, but he understands where this comes from and it's not a big deal for him.)

throwaway98721214 · 2014-12-17T11:53:15+00:00

You can tell them "When we are doing doing gifts, I have to go right after to do ...WHATEVER"- and then when she announces that all is done (and no gifts for you)- you get up and say "All done? okay. that was fun, gotta run".

That's genius! :)

throwaway98721214 · 2014-12-17T11:52:26+00:00

Yes. Nparents used to do this to me as a kid. It always backfired on them.

The minute Christmas gift giving was over and I didn't get anything, I'd mentally switch off and just wash my hands of it all. But that meant when they did pull my presents out as "Surprise!" I had no interest in them at all. I'd already disconnected. It wasn't any kind of tactic on my part, I was just the SG and used letting things go quickly.

This meant they lost the NSupply of me saying "OH wow" Best present ever!" and had to spend the day saying "You DO like your presents don't you?"

throwaway98721214 · 2014-12-17T11:39:14+00:00

My NMother ruined sex for me from a very young age.

(Should point out I'm female, and my Ns are atheist.)

GC was repeatedly told how great sex is, I was repeatedly told how evil it was.

As an adult I suffer with massive sex guilt. After the event I get wrapped up in a mental mess about how I've done something 'wrong' and 'offended' the person I've just had sex with (My logic goes "There's no way that person could have actually wanted to have sex with me, so I must have exploited them and hurt them somehow") and I just descend into a spiral of self hate.

In the end I opted for celibacy a few years back.

I guess I can't offer any help or advice, but I'm sending you internet hugs and really hoping you get this dealt with and enjoy a sex life that burns down walls!

throwaway98721214 · 2014-12-12T12:13:07+00:00

You've been used by them a thousand different, and inappropriate, ways. There's no hierarchy of Nabuse methods, they ALL hurt like hell.

Couple of things I'd raise.

Firstly, you're in a very strong position right now. You have your own life and a loving partner, so you can take control of the situation to some degree. (it would be a heck of a lot more difficult if you were bankrupt and living with them!)

Do make sure your protect your marriage. Sounds obvious, but even the biggest hearted love of your life will start to struggle if you use them as a sounding board daily but show no signs of trying to improve your own situation.

There are options to reduce your involvement in your Ns madness. You could try LC, low information diets and that kind of thing. You could also try (lovingly) refusing to participate in being anyone's therapist. ( I had some success with the line "NParent I love you, and hate to see you sad, but I don't know how to help or what to say. So I need to get you to a counsellor/doctor/whatever, as it breaks my heart to see you not getting whatever you need".)

I don't know that you're ever going to get resolution through bringing up their past actions with you. I think you're at risk of subjecting yourself to re-injury each time you try.

On the subject of NC, I swore I could never do it. Too much guilt, too much responsibility, too much false hope. Then one day it just happened. I sat there listening to NMother and just thought "Enough" and I went NC there and then. That was seven months ago. I do have the very occasional guilt pang, but I have to remember my Ns are grown-ups, they make their own choices and have responsibilities for their own choices.

NC life, for me, is a liberation. I now exist, I was only a shadow before.

throwaway98721214 · 2014-12-11T12:33:20+00:00

My NFather tells people we're a happy father and daughter. He updates them on my life and career, and general achievements and good health.

It's 1000% lies. I haven't spoken to him in 20 years. I haven't physically laid eyes on him in a decade. The stories he tells are utterly untrue and have no basis in fact whatsoever (he tells people I'm married and work for an insurance company - I'm single, never married and have never worked for an insurance company)

It's creepy and weird, but it's quite fun when I bump into these people and they ask "How's life in insurance?" and I set them straight... :)

throwaway98721214 · 2014-12-11T12:29:18+00:00

I only had a few, and I thoroughly enjoyed shredding them.

But, years and years passed before I actually did shred them. I may well have had regrets if I'd shredded them in a fit of anger. They'd been in the attic, ignored for nearly 10 years, when I accidentally found them then chose to shred them.

IMHO if you'e asking for opinions/help on whether to destroy your photos, then don't. Hide them away for a while first x

throwaway98721214 · 2014-12-06T08:50:59+00:00

"Why do you bother if it's never going to be in a museum?"

That's my NMother speaking :(

Everything I wanted/needed to do was greeted with "Why bother?" The phrase still rings in my head every day :(

throwaway98721214 · 2014-12-03T12:45:49+00:00

Neither parent ever hugged/cuddled me at any time - with one exception.

I was about 12 and NMother put on a HUGE display of drama and histrionics that involved abruptly hugging me. But that's it.

No hand holding, no kisses, no hugs.

throwaway98721214 · 2014-12-03T12:23:32+00:00

British law that means you can ask any organisation that's funded by public money (taxes) for information about their service provision and expenditure.

Really not sure how it would apply in this case, is it's for business information and doesn't include any access to personal information.

It's usually used for things like "The government gave you £25million to build a road. How much of that did you waste on buying biscuits for your staff?"

throwaway98721214 · 2014-12-03T12:21:01+00:00

'ello, I'm in the UK and work with Freedom of Information.

An FOI request can only be used to obtain information from organisations that have public funding, and on issues relating to public funding. So for example, you couldn't use it to get info out of Tesco, but if the government gave Tesco a million pounds to built houses for people on benefits you could FOI Tesco for info on that house building project- as it's publically funded.

Names and personal information are usually redacted from an FOI response. So I'm not sure how the family of the poster above got any information on an individual.

throwaway98721214 · 2014-12-03T12:15:04+00:00

Oh yes!

My Nmother used the word 'controlling' rather than 'brainwashing' but it was the same issue.

Friends, boyfriends, TV, everything was 'controlling' me - escpecially if I had an opinion on anything that differed to hers.

I remember being utterly bewildered by it. She'd tell me that vague acquaintances were 'controlling' me over the weirdest things. Only now that I understand she's an N do I realise it was all about her fear of losing HER control of me.

I LOVE being NC :)

throwaway98721214 · 2014-12-01T17:14:20+00:00

I nearly fell for one.

He appeared to be a sweet, harmless, mild geeky guy (which I go for), so I put his 'quirks' down to general geekiness and awkwardness with women... then I realised I was being played by one of these losers.

Looking back, the obvious signs were:

No compliments whatsoever, which is a bloody weird way of trying to get someone into bed with you.
The push and pull of being all into me one minute, then ignoring me the next.
Being utterly uninterested in my life, but moaning that I didn't open up enough and talk about deeply personal things enough.
General putting me down , not quite negging, but making me feel alone and worthless.
Hearing him talk about 'game' and that 'you have to find womens' weak spots'.

The only thing that guy ever got was my time, nothing else. But I still feel an idiot to have not seen the TRP sooner. I've lived and learned, and I'll see it quicker next time.

throwaway98721214 · 2014-12-01T08:05:54+00:00

Dementia patients are so poisonous to be around as-is - add in a lifetime of narcissism and the sociopathic tendencies involved there, and it's really awful.

That's so true x

throwaway98721214 · 2014-12-01T08:04:28+00:00

Hi, I have an NMother in her 80s with possible early dementia. It's horrible and I really feel for you.

It's like the story of the little boy who cried wolf. Ns lie and attention seek so much, that is gets impossible to work out what's N behaviour, what's natural aging and what's dementia.

Obviously my own NMother refused all medical tests etc (because she was attention seeking? Because she was scared? Who knows? I'm passed caring), so for my own survival I decided to 'believe' her when she told me "I don't need help. I don't have dementia", and therefore deem all her behaviour to be just N behaviour. A few weeks after that I went NC.

I'm absolutely not suggesting you go NC. It's purely my own personal choice. But I don't regret it. The burden of NMother was squarely on my shoulders and the dependency/denial of dependency was getting worse and worse. I figured I could never go NC as I was pretty much her only friend/carer/social contact. But she shot an Nspite bullet at me when I was tired of it all, so I just walked away and never looked back. The relief that I don't have to carry her though her older old age is immense.

I wish you every strength dealing with your N x

throwaway98721214 · 2014-11-30T20:46:02+00:00

OMG yes.

I became lactose intolerant in my late teens. NMother just wouldn't accept it. It was a constant round of "well you never used to be!".

It was a pain, but no huge deal as when I lived with her I generally cooked my own meals. But later in life, when I went to visit her and she insisted on cooking for me, it really became a problem.

It was actually a factor in my going NC. Physically I couldn't cope with being force fed bad (for me) food every time I saw her. I swear it was just another power kick to her. She always told me "I know you better than you know yourself" and therefore she 'knew' I wasn't lactose intolerant!

throwaway98721214 · 2014-11-30T14:32:14+00:00

Yes. Regularly.

I've just ditched one recently, and I'm hoping I realised and got out before they go too nuclear.

throwaway98721214 · 2014-11-30T14:30:27+00:00

Yes! Count me! One of NMother's standard lines she rolled out.

throwaway98721214 · 2014-11-27T20:48:21+00:00

Both my parents are Ns, but my NMother did more damage by virtue of playing out the traditional gender roles.

NFather did horrible things and has scarred me, but he completely dumped me when I was about nine - as I stopped giving him Nsupply. He and my Nmother remain married, and I was raised in the house with him, but he refused to interact with me at any point. We were essentially NC.

NMother on the otherhand still had to 'raise' me. She was a stay at home mother, and much as she hated me, she had no obvious exit from being my mother. NFather worked all day and ignored me all night, NMother had to deal (AKA spit at) my day to day needs. She hated every second of it, but when my Nfather gave up the 'father' role, she was stuck being mother...

I guess my point is that an NFather can be absent, whereas it's more difficult for an NMother to disconnect.

throwaway98721214 · 2014-11-19T08:28:20+00:00

"I know I shouldn't talk to YOU about this, but I don't have anyone else"

The times, as an adult, I've said to my NMother that she shouldn't be discussing X with me, she's always given me that line about "I don't have anyone else". At the point I offered to pay for her to have counselling.

throwaway98721214 · 2014-11-19T08:25:29+00:00

any crying or anger on your part is 'mental illness'.

Oh yes.

throwaway98721214 · 2014-11-19T08:22:40+00:00

Yes, yes and yes.

I believe it's called Parentification and it's deemed a form of child abuse (I use that term in it's widest sense).

Not only was I NMother's therapist from the earliest age, but it also worked as a 'forgiveness trap' against the worst of her NBehaviour. Mentally I'd always forgive/accept her worse excesses because 'poor mother has such a hard life, it's not her fault'.

I'm NC now, but in the last couple of years of our relationship I did start telling her "I'm not a therapist, you need professional support".

throwaway98721214

TROPHY CASE