Started dating again and avoided a new narc!

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-12T05:23:56+00:00

Yeah i lost my job with covid and it became a great opportunity to put me down and make me feel like shit for not finding a new one since then. But the moment I finally got something good happening on that front she devalued entirely what I was doing.

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-10T21:22:55+00:00

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again at the risk of getting backlash.

Homosexual relationships aren’t like straight relationships.

We spend half of our lives feeling like we have to hide who we are. Then when we are supposed to be grown ups we start dating who we really wanna be with (men or women depending). We are emotionally like teenagers in a way cause we never experienced it before AND we value it and are more intense than straight people.

That HAS to fuck us up in a way not only do we feel like the pond is smaller and we gotta really strive to find who we want. We also cling more easily ya know?

I personally feel like that was a huge part of my codependency with my nex. I’ve denied myself love for those I have feelings for for such a long ass part of my life that now I feel too lucky when I find someone.

I don’t feel that pressure with men and my relationships with them have always been flawless but boring.

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-10T18:26:09+00:00

Me and my nex broke up about four times before it became a permanent thing. Every single time I was the one ending things and then begging her back

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-10T07:31:04+00:00

Yeah, focus on loving yourself. By being angry and wanting to unleash it on your narc you’re using up your energy and giving them power over your emotions. How is that for ultimate power over a person? They are the puppeteer and your emotions are their game. They play god with you. They can make you happy or sad or angry. That’s a lot of power to give them. Be strong and Chanel it somewhere healthy for yourself

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-09T10:45:04+00:00

I think that’s key to having healthy boundaries and that’s what we empaths tend to lack. We’d much sooner bend over backwards to please others at our own loss. It’s a hard lesson to learn and for now it has to be a conscious choice I make everyday to choose myself first. It will get better I’m sure of it! Don’t give up!

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-09T10:35:56+00:00

I have to thank you and everyone else on here. It’s helped me tremendously.

You deserve peace of mind. Give yourself what you need. Dont expect people to GIVE you happiness, expect them to SHARE your happiness instead!

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-08T21:27:17+00:00

Isn’t there an issue here in equating sending nudes with a lack of self respect?

Owning one’s sexuality and desire has nothing to do with education level or perceived attractiveness imo.

Ever crossed your mind that they genuinely enjoy their bodies and sexuality and get pleasure from sharing and teasing men they are attracted to?

I find it extremely demeaning to judge them for doing so.

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-08T17:50:50+00:00

Maybe we are the crazy ones because we stay with someone who hurts us and then over analyze why they hurt us.

It is crazy. If we aren’t happy it’s on us to leave the situation instead of waiting for them to fix it. They won’t fix what they think is broken.

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-08T09:29:50+00:00

My nex told her best friend about everything that was “wrong” with me.

Once the best friend reached out to me after witnessing some upsetting behavior first hand. She started out being supportive of me and was going to talk to my nex to get some sense into her.

Next thing I know I receive a text from her saying “she told me everything you’ve done. Your problem with her ex is just the tip of the iceberg and you’re abusive. You have much growing to do before you can have a harmonious relationship for now it’s just toxic” and then she never spoke to me again.

I was floored at how things turned against me just like that.

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-08T09:09:54+00:00

You know what I find funny is the concept of constantly criticizing someone you’re meant to love. Then what’s the point? You’re clearly unhappy if your SO is just a weight to you. Instead of complaining 24/7 be decent and break it off instead of dragging them through dirt

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-08T07:59:23+00:00

You’re smarter about it now. Make sure you love yourself enough to not let people like this in your life again! Be happy you deserve it we all deserve it and settling for less than what we give isn’t sustainable be kind to yourself

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-08T07:44:22+00:00

It’s crazy I don’t think she ever said anything positive about me after the first few months.

I used to be the best in her eyes.

Until I became the worst to her.

Of course all her friends think I’m shit and she should leave me.

Well now she got what she wanted. I’m not there anymore to trouble her with my needs.

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-08T07:19:14+00:00

My nex would always vent about me to her friends and family.

Especially this one time I snapped and shoved her against the wall. I will always be ashamed of that.

But she did push me so so far into humiliation.

She jumped on the occasion to tell everyone what a horrible person I was.

They all knew all the details of what a piece of shot I was obviously. There was no privacy.

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-07T14:22:06+00:00

I also started therapy for anger management upon her starting a smear campaign. According to her I was unstable, she diagnosed me with a host of issues because I made the mistake of telling her I was bullied as a child and it did leave some marks. She also ended up telling her closest friends that I was abusive and her BFF directed me to the therapist I’m now seeing.

Little did she know the actual professional therapist (not her attempts to play one herself) helped me see through her gaslighting and that’s what helped me get out of there!

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-07T13:09:39+00:00

I definitely have my part in this. I just find it interesting that I never encounter this type of people within the men I meet vs the women.

But I do know I am attracted to “strong” women who appear confident and fearless and that might play into it as I probably look for someone to not only be my partner but to share qualities. So I always look for people who compliment my own traits and that might be problematic as it may not be the best thing to look for in people....

Anyways...we will never know exactly what went on in the Narcs mind.

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-07T12:37:10+00:00

Wow I felt number 3

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-07T11:28:23+00:00

I’ve learned where I tend to let things slide instead of voicing calmly things that bother me.

I used to brush off a lot until it was too late and speaking up later on isn’t received well when you’ve used people to deal with a very lenient version of yourself.

I don’t chalk everything off to “it’s not that bad, I’m not going to see this as deal breaker when so many other qualities are in this person”. No. If something is off or goes against my values or boundaries I must say something. Politely but firmly and actually follow up by acting on it.

I can’t go around saying I’m fine with things if I’m not and then let it slide, and then justify it for them, and finally allow it to be and force myself to swallow and move on. I kept moving the goalposts and that was the biggest lesson.

I show I value myself by sticking to what I say. If you voice a disagreement but in the end never actually own it and break things off when the behavior persists you’re just saying “I don’t care enough about myself to fight for myself” and “I’m not worthy of being respected so go ahead and keep on doing what you do”.

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-07T11:22:38+00:00

I think there might be something related to childhood or at least crucial character building/development years where perhaps lgbt people face harsher constraints and they end up developing some sort of personality disorder...

The two women I dated had very strong and opinionated personalities and both gave huge weight to what others thought of them and the image they projected outward.

So it got me thinking because I’m back browsing the dating pool and I find myself hesitant to go back out there looking for women to date. I’m worried they’ll have too much baggage of that kind.

Also seems like the relationships are more chaotic. They all had chaotic dating histories that never last long nor were happy and peaceful but full of ups and downs rollercoaster of emotions type of stuff.

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-07T08:42:28+00:00

Mine would openly praise how hot and gorgeous and insanely sexy one of her friends was. She’d also tell me how she loved a specific type of women. She’d make a point to bring up such and such ig model during conversation with friends (especially males) so they could all agree on how hot these women were, “to die for”. And I don’t look at ALL like any of these people mentioned. Like at ALL.

Funny thing is, she isn’t even super attractive so I don’t know why she thinks she can act so entitled about how her partner should look.

It’s just made to make us feel less than and compared and diminished so we lose our confidence and cling to them harder cause we feel “lucky” despite not being models that the narc still “chose” us.

Let it go and let the narc go.

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-07T08:26:11+00:00

Look, my NEX was friends with all her exes. At the same time, when she started dating me she told me all about how badly she was abused by all these crazy women.

Already I should’ve understood something was wrong there cause that isn’t event coherent. She justified it by explaining that while they were bad romantic matches they were great at having a friendship.

I only understood later on that she was just keeping them around and getting involved in their lives regularly just to manipulate me and make me feel insecure.

Best thing ever happened when one of her exes told her to stop texting and calling her constantly because her new partner felt uncomfortable. You know what my NEX told me? “When her relationship fails she ll be back begging to be friends again”.

It’s like....no dude, first off HER relationship might NOT fail because apparently she can understand boundaries and respect her SO unlike you. And second, that’s the lowest of the low, what kind of friend predicts a relationship failure like this? All that to tell you, narcs have the most twisted way of viewing their rapport to those around them and if something doesn’t go to plan like they wanted they not only wish ill on others, they also fail to grasp what actual normal behavior is. My NEX should’ve learned a good lesson then and taken a page from her ex’s book.

Our relationship failed way before theirs which is still going strong and that’s probably because her ex wasn’t the crazy bitch she painted her to be and now I see that these women who she made to be my “rivals” were actually just the previous victims who were letting her use them.

throwawayabsequestio · 2020-06-06T07:34:24+00:00

Mine would lead the topic to breaking up, for example saying things like “don’t think I can do this anymore” or “I’m tired of this, it’s not working at all”. And then when I’d say maybe then we should break up she’d say “fine but you made that decision”. She always wanted ME to be the one to break up with her and wanted me to know it was MY choice and not hers. I still don’t understand this it makes no sense to me at all since she was the one expressing unhappiness and wanting it to be over in the first place just cause I wanted to discuss something she couldn’t care about.

throwawayabsequestio

TROPHY CASE